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SharonB
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16 Jun 2020, 9:02 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I think my problem is just fear of uncertainty of how my body's going to react to pregnancy and birth.


Gentle teasing: Well, then how about you try it so it won't be Uncertain anymore?

I am the hypersensitive ASD type so it was quite a ride, but all manageable, survivable and worth it.

For what it is worth, as with many things, I had the reverse experience of NTs: Pregnancy stabilized my moods. Folks commented how I seemed more down to earth (rather than the stereotypical "hormonal"). How boring I must have been. ;) (My husband would say otherwise I am sure.)

Perhaps some visualization of your body doing what it knows to do, and reminding yourself that you have resources for those things outside it's control.



LisaM1031
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16 Jun 2020, 11:05 pm

I ended up giving birth without an epidural due to my labor being faster than expected. I remember screaming in excruciating pain but if I’m honest I really don’t remember most of it or how intense the pain actually was. It’s possible I’m just one of those aspies with a higher than normal pain tolerance but I hear this is a common experience (not remembering much afterward). It’s like partially leaving your body.



Joe90
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17 Jun 2020, 6:19 pm

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But anyway, you said you'd love to adopt. That's a lovely idea. :heart: Have you actually looked into adopting? You might be a perfectly acceptable candidate. (Or not, I don't really know anything about you or adoption ^^')


I have read up about adopting in the UK but it says you and your partner must be young, as in early 20s, and I'm 30 now and my boyfriend's even older.

It is very disappointing knowing that I am unable to adopt, yet there are no rules about who can get pregnant. I wish I could get a surrogate mother but I heard that is very expensive. I do prefer my boyfriend's genes to my genes though, because his family all seem to be NTs and successful, while my family has a lot of shy traits and most of us seem to be prone to anxiety and depression and lack confidence. But anyway that's beside the point.
I just worry about how bad the labour pains are going to be, and I have an extremely low pain tolerance as it is. And I'm scared all the pain is going to make me vomit, and I have emetophobia to the point where it's like a disorder. I think I need lots and lots of proper therapy to help me with emetophobia as it does interfere with my life, and I don't just mean cheap online therapy or CBT.

My emetophobia is SO BAD that I'm actually more terrified of catching norovirus than I am of coronavirus. When I cough, I don't panic half as much as I do when I feel nauseas. If the coronavirus was a new type of norovirus, I would literally not have left the house since February not even for work.

When my mum was giving birth to my brother she tried to vomit a few times but didn't. When she was pregnant with me she felt sick the whole 9 months.


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Whale_Tuune
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25 Jun 2020, 11:49 am

Have you looked into surrogacy at all? Do you have any relatives or friends who would be willing to carry your child? If not, have you tried looking for professional surrogates?


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Joe90
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28 Jun 2020, 7:12 am

Whale_Tuune wrote:
Have you looked into surrogacy at all? Do you have any relatives or friends who would be willing to carry your child? If not, have you tried looking for professional surrogates?


I don't think I can have the courage to ask or expect my relatives or friends to do that (my friends aren't likely to get pregnant anyway).
I was thinking of surrogate but I heard it costs a LOT of money, which is understandable because having to suffer pregnancy and birth for a stranger is a difficult thing to want to do.


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Juliette
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28 Jun 2020, 10:35 am

Joe, at your age, it seems silly of them to discriminate against adoption. I'd definitely NOT abandon the idea of it, if it's what you and your partner truly want and feel strongly about. Good, loving parents are always needed.

I have a very strong maternal instinct and love children! I had debilitating morning sickness 24 hrs a day from the 6th week of pregnancy onward(hyperemisis gravidarum) with all 3 pregnancies, but where some apparently abort under those circumstances, I would never have considered it. The first involved a traumatic labour for my firstborn, as he was in distress and needed to be assisted out with a forceps delivery and he had the cord wrapped round his neck, cutting off oxygen. He was born 2 weeks overdue, but so tiny, he required a humididcrib, and I wasn't able to hold him for a bit. My 2nd involved a spontaneous labour and my daughter was born within 20 mins... I would rather have a 10 hr labour than a 20 minute labour, I can tell you!! My last baby, I was so sick with morning sickness 24 hrs per day, that I couldn't even keep water down and seriously didn't feel "alive" throughout the pregnancy ... I would pass out regularly upon standing, needed to be hospitalised and put on a drip in a maternity hospital off and on just to keep me hydrated some of the time... I was soo thin, I was unrecognisable by the end of the pregnancy. After the birth, I was so thrilled to have a beautiful baby boy ... I never experienced any depression during or after the births surprisingly, and refused any drugs during labour.

All were natural and I felt so grateful to have had 3 beautiful babies(We are all AS). We are all incredibly close. We get together regularly, drop everything if one or the other needs any assistance(eg when my youngest was hit by a car on his 19th birthday!!) We enjoy regular movie nights and dinners out(when not in quarantine, share every birtthday, Easter, Christmas together and I love cooking for them all regularly. We all get along soo well, and none have ever fought with each other, and I can't believe how fortunate we are to get along so well and have such a loving family. It genuinely is worth all the pain, all the sickness etc, as the joy from raising children is beyond anything I could imagine. Family is everything! I had my babies young, from the age of 19yrs onward.

I genuinely hope you are able to experience parenthood, if not through having your own, then maybe through Foster care or Family Day Care. I love babies, in fact, genuinely love all ages, and I was also able to have up to 16 children in my home thanks to Family Day Care, when I was raising my children. It all worked out so well! I never had more than 4 under the age of 5 years, but coped wonderfully, as children thrive on routine, and I loved providng daily arts and crafts, stories, water/sand play and going to playgroups etc etc. It's been an amazing life, that I cannot begin to imagine minus children. I feel for your situation, truly do, and hope you can maybe overcome your fear of pregnancy, or find another path to providing care for some children in your home ... if this is truly what you and your partner both want. xx



Joe90
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28 Jun 2020, 2:26 pm

It seems that the majority of Aspie mothers pass on their ASD to their children, which also puts me off having a baby of my own. Adoption or surrogate are probably the best options for me. I don't want to foster or run a daycare centre, as it's not really the same as having a child of your own to bring up. I prefer owning a child from birth and bringing him or her up like my own, and make him or her feel secure and loved, like I was with my parents.

My boyfriend doesn't have any special needs or ASDs in his family so I think I'd prefer it if we got a surrogate mother using his sperm, as I like his genes. All his family I've met so far seem to be very outgoing NTs with really good jobs and big social lives. My genes seem rotted with autism, learning difficulties, shyness, depression and anxiety, and I don't wish those on my poor baby. I may be the only true Aspie in my family and I'm definitely the only one with ADHD, but most of my relatives on my mother's side have always suffered with anxiety, depression, shyness, lack of confidence, and things like PDD-NOS.


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SharonB
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28 Jun 2020, 6:55 pm

Joe90 wrote:
It seems that the majority of Aspie mothers pass on their ASD to their children...


I agree with you, although some posts here suggest differently. I think the amount of undiagnosed women contribute to the misconception that boys (men) just pop out of nowhere with ASD. My grandma was most likely ASD, I'm not sure how many of her five kids were. My mom is most likely ASD: bore one ASD child (me), one NT child. I am ASD: bore one ASD child, one NT child. My mom had it better than her mother, I had it better than my mother and I hope my daughter has it better than me - I'm doing my part as well as I can. Before my children, I fostered an NT child for near a year and I think it went well. All that said, my ASD-like BFF (with an ASD-like mom) is not having children (biological or otherwise), so for her part her genetics stop with her (2 of 4 siblings seem ASD-like). Forming a biological was a hardship (medically) for me, so I know dozens of families formed in all different ways (surrogate this, donor that, blended) and all are loving families. Wishing you well in your choice!!



Joe90
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30 Jun 2020, 11:16 am

I've looked into surrogacy and it appears that there are less rules for that than there are with adoption. I don't think the state can completely stop a woman from wanting a baby of her own without getting pregnant, because it's rather natural for a woman to crave a baby of her own.
I've made a thread about adoption here on WP before and I got this disappointing answer

Quote:
you basically have to be normal and be rich to adopt.
along with other similar answers. Then I looked up about adoption in the UK and it said that both you and your husband must be very young, very rich and very healthy. So adoption is out of the question. But it seems that surrogacy doesn't require the couple to be very young, very rich or very healthy. It's more along the lines of making sure you're both eager to commit, which we are.

So surrogacy is what I may end up going for.


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SharonB
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30 Jun 2020, 9:50 pm

In the US surrogacy is generally more (far) expensive than adoption. Interesting that it may be in reverse in the UK.

Please skip this paragraph if you've heard enough about adoption since you've been through this before and I am outside your region... but if there is a glimmer of something in here that's useful... I'm sorry it's difficult to adopt in the UK. In the US it's fairly "easy" to adopt a child over 3. In the US, for private adoption of a baby, one can be "old", single, odd and/or have a meager savings - it may take longer to be selected. My company provides money for adoption assistance (less cost than US surrogacy). In the US, for foster care (government) adoption of a baby, one can be very "old", single, odd and/or relatively "poor" --- however, there is "legal risk" (at least 25% have to try again). I have many adoption success stories from here --- I have to imagine the UK has some reasonable vehicle. Wow, that it doesn't. Within 6 mos of being a (paid) foster parent, I was given the option to adopt (at no or minimal charge to me). I'm surprised that the UK is more difficult. Sorry. I am glad you have other options (that may be more affordable there than here).



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07 Jul 2020, 11:58 am

Have you emailed a social worker and/or midwife about your concerns? It could be that some of your information is inaccurate about adoption, surrogacy, etc. A midwife could also probably help you process through some of your birth-related fears, how likely they are, etc.


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Joe90
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05 Aug 2020, 1:12 pm

I was watching a YouTube video of a middle-aged female Aspie who was describing autism and anxiety, and she said something that described me EXACTLY but with this pregnancy thing. I can't remember what she said exactly, but she said something along the lines of "most NT people without anxiety don't delve too deeply into the frightening possibilities that might occur in situations or events and will only get emotionally affected by something bad happening IF something bad happens, while some people with ASD and anxiety can imagine ALL of the scary possibilities that have a small chance of occurring so some of us tend to avoid taking the risk altogether because of that tiny possibility that it could go dangerously wrong and scar us for life". And that is exactly how I feel about getting pregnant. People say "oh everyone feels like that when getting pregnant", but let me just say that if everyone felt the same way I did about getting pregnant then the human population probably wouldn't exist. :lol:


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SharonB
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06 Aug 2020, 6:38 am

My NT dad would often "comfort" me with saying "everyone [whatever my concern is]". Now I explain to him --- not to this degree. I think he's picked up that comfort for me is acknowledging it and finding solutions, not being a part of the crowd (which I am not). Ironically, my ASD-like mom wasn't helpful either b/c she would say, "that's normal: I felt that way" --- b/c she also suffered with unsupported undiagnosed ASD.

In what way are you thinking to proceed?



pukka123
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08 Aug 2020, 10:06 pm

I share your fear. I'm also pregnant for the first time.
I am going to request a referral for psychological services and hope I can pay for it. I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (now ASD) when I was a teenage and I'm in my thirties now. Hopefully talking to a professional about my phobia might help put me more at ease.
I'm also tempted to ask if they can just put me under during delivery but am afraid that might sound alarms...

Adopting sounds like the perfect solution, but it is impossible without loads of money...



PoseyBuster88
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10 Aug 2020, 11:56 pm

pukka123 wrote:
I share your fear. I'm also pregnant for the first time.
I am going to request a referral for psychological services and hope I can pay for it. I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (now ASD) when I was a teenage and I'm in my thirties now. Hopefully talking to a professional about my phobia might help put me more at ease.
I'm also tempted to ask if they can just put me under during delivery but am afraid that might sound alarms...

Adopting sounds like the perfect solution, but it is impossible without loads of money...


I think if you brought up your anxiety in terms of bring autistic and struggling with sensory issues, etc, and wanting to evaluate all possible labor and delivery options, you would get some good info about what they are willing and able to do to make you more comfortable. You would, for your part, likely need to be prepared to detail your sensory issues and anxieties though.

I was honestly most afraid of the people all up in my business and touching me unexpectedly more than afraid of pain, and I was able to discuss and find out that I could basically refuse all touching except for a couple required ultrasounds my whole pregnancy until pretty far into labor. At that point, I went into a weird zone where my body kind of took over and a lot of my normal qualms disappeared. I guess the sensory overload of contractions pushed to the side the other stuff.

I would 100% recommend meeting with a therapist or psychologist though to talk through things. And make sure you discuss sensory issues and newborns, perhaps with your partner there as well (if applicable). I stupidly did not consider how my auditory and physical touch sensory issues would come into play with a newborn. Things are great now, but there were some rough times while I adjusted and discovered how to cope. And I was NOT assisted by a professional, and had a very confused partner who didn't understand why I thought the baby crying felt like "knives in my brain" (I learned earplugs are a MUST for when you are napping and someone else is watching the baby).

I don't want to scare you - having a baby is wonderful - but preparing ahead of time may help you avoid some of the pitfalls I fell into.

I also recommend "The Birth Partner" if you like to know about all the options and potential complications related to birth. It is very detailed and balanced, and provides lots of options for medical pain relief and/or coping with labor without medicine. I felt much more prepared for birth after reading it and knowing the facts.


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Joe90
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21 Nov 2020, 6:12 pm

I'm so broody right now, it's overwhelming. Even my breasts keep feeling heavy as if they think that a baby is on the way (but it isn't, as I am 100% not pregnant). But I just keep yearning for the baby I'll never have.

Like I said in this thread already, adoption is not an option for a person in my situation (poor, got ADHD/Asperger's, both me and my boyfriend are over 29). This is not the wrong conditions to have a baby in, it's just the stupid law that only allows rich, well-adjusted 20-year-old NT couples to adopt a baby. Which I think is discrimination and is so offensively unfair to us more mature women who so desperately want a child of our own. When poor people have babies in the UK they usually get help from the government, but to adopt you have to already be rich for some reason.
I am not poor enough to be unable to feed or keep a baby warm of anything, I'm just saying that my boyfriend is unemployed (thanks to COVID pandemic), I only work part-time with quite low wages, and we live in quite a cheap apartment. But we aren't living in poverty or poor conditions to bring children up in. You'd say we are "average working class citizens", which is the UK equivalent of "poor". So when I say "poor" I don't mean "poverty". But we are not rich.

And don't say "you're always complaining about screaming children in stores yet YOU want a baby yourself!" because really it is not as black and white as all that. The way I see it, babies are like farts; you don't mind your own but you're repulsed by other people's. Also I naturally have more tolerance if I KNOW the child, for example my 3-year-old niece (who I don't get to see much because I'm not that close to my sister and she lives in Ireland). And my friend handed his baby to me once, and although the baby was shrieking I still cuddled him and didn't want to let him go.
And I'm not a murderer, so I know that I'll tolerate my OWN baby, to the normal extent (it is not uncommon for new mothers to get frustrated with their babies at times).

Maybe after this pandemic has finished I might start seeing if I can get some sort of therapy or counseling or any other support to help me be less afraid of pregnancy. It's just that if it HURTS LIKE HELL for me to have a PAP test to the point where it physically won't go in, then how the hell am I going to cope with all the pain and ailments that come with pregnancy and childbirth? This is why I envy men because they don't ever have to go through this. The most pain they experience as a baby-father is their ears hurting at the baby's cries or the nausea from changing a dirty diaper.


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