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veiledexpressions
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03 Nov 2009, 9:27 am

I have often wondered why people can be downright mean to me, or why they seem to yell at me more often than others.

Recently, a few people have told me exactly why the nastiness directed at me was justified. They say when I become upset I start using "big words", stop using contractions, and my speech becomes formal. They said I'm obviously just trying to show that I'm better than everyone.

I tried desperately to explain that some break down and curse when their mind is overloaded, and mine breaks down into formal speech. It is my comfort zone, and when I'm overwhelmed with emotions, or frustration, I can't help the way I speak.

Does anyone else do this? It doesn't make sense to me that I would be subject to further maltreatment because of speaking formally. I have dealt with this from my mother in law, husband, a friend, and people I've known in school. I tried explaining that it's a part of Aspergers, but rarely do people understand. I do not do it to act as a cerebral narcissist, but to prevent a total meltdown.



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03 Nov 2009, 9:38 am

Wow, I'll bet that's irritating.

I don't think that's exclusively an AS thing though. I think the difference is that when NT's do it, they are trying to show they're better than everyone.


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veiledexpressions
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03 Nov 2009, 9:40 am

Prosser wrote:
Wow, I'll bet that's irritating.

I don't think that's exclusively an AS thing though. I think the difference is that when NT's do it, they are trying to show they're better than everyone.


Perhaps that's why they believe I'm doing it for that reason. These people do know I've been dx with AS, and I have explained it to them; yet they persist. Perhaps they don't care to learn.



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03 Nov 2009, 9:41 am

veiledexpressions wrote:
I have often wondered why people can be downright mean to me, or why they seem to yell at me more often than others.

Recently, a few people have told me exactly why the nastiness directed at me was justified. They say when I become upset I start using "big words", stop using contractions, and my speech becomes formal. They said I'm obviously just trying to show that I'm better than everyone.

I tried desperately to explain that some break down and curse when their mind is overloaded, and mine breaks down into formal speech. It is my comfort zone, and when I'm overwhelmed with emotions, or frustration, I can't help the way I speak.

Does anyone else do this? It doesn't make sense to me that I would be subject to further maltreatment because of speaking formally. I have dealt with this from my mother in law, husband, a friend, and people I've known in school. I tried explaining that it's a part of Aspergers, but rarely do people understand. I do not do it to act as a cerebral narcissist, but to prevent a total meltdown.


Have dealt with this in the past. The problem is, it doesn't matter what the reason for it is and all, their perception directly relates to how they react emotionally. They can understand, and accept it when not upset, even talk about how that is why with others and all, but nothing will stop that immediate reaction usually...

My boyfriend and I talk about things like this from time to time, and from what I can tell, it's much like our immediate reactions to last minute changes in plans. We get frustrated and at times react emotionally, melt down, or just get annoyed by everyone in general (well, some of us do). Often, we can not control that.

For them, the emotional response is often immediate. Prior knowledge to the reasoning of why and all can help them cope with it after the fact, but the immediate emotional response is what they feel the most at that point and is what effects everything basically for them until it is out of their system.


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03 Nov 2009, 10:00 am

I've gotten that as well. "Stop using big words dammit, I'm a simple guy, I like simple lingo."

It's kind of annoying and funny at the same time. Funny because it's just common language to me, annoying because I dislike butchering the language to sound normal.


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03 Nov 2009, 10:21 am

Maybe it's the adrenaline flowing, but I'm accused of taking on a booming voice when upset, accused of being a bully. They tell me my mind only seems to work when I get upset, somehow equating verbosity with intelligence. They never seem to notice/remember that when things are calm, I carry about quite intelligently, in action if not in words. So my conclusion is that perception rules the day for most people, and many minds are muddled with respect to self-awareness, perceptions, and reality. Man is rational, but many follow deeply ingrained patterns so are essentially on auto pilot.



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03 Nov 2009, 6:23 pm

I tend to talk formally all of the time because that is the way I think. It's too much trouble and too time consuming to change my thinking words into less formal speech. What I say comes out of my mouth the way it forms in my mind. So, no, when I get angry my speech isn't any different than when I'm not angry. There are exceptions of course. My speech becomes more relaxed or casual or common when I am among family or close friends and I use a good bit of slang at times, but for communicating important issues, or relating an experience or a problem, I can produce a better version of what needs to be said if I say it formally as it is automatically produced by my thoughts.



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03 Nov 2009, 9:18 pm

As I get angrier, my speech becomes more and more formal, and I sound more and more "upper-class". My speech is normally quite formal. I think this is because I've spent more time reading than I have conversing- my speech patterns are "spoken writing".


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03 Nov 2009, 10:11 pm

I understand. When I become highly agitated, I speak formally, coldly, and with a desperate adherence to logic. My word structure alters. It drives some people insane, but it's comfortable for me.

My roommate has told me more than once during a conflict, "You're not Mr. Spock!"

And I'm not, but when pressured, I certainly mirror him somewhat.

I also believe that formal speech is a natural descendant of precision.



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03 Nov 2009, 10:55 pm

veiledexpressions wrote:
I have often wondered why people can be downright mean to me, or why they seem to yell at me more often than others.

Recently, a few people have told me exactly why the nastiness directed at me was justified. They say when I become upset I start using "big words", stop using contractions, and my speech becomes formal. They said I'm obviously just trying to show that I'm better than everyone.

I tried desperately to explain that some break down and curse when their mind is overloaded, and mine breaks down into formal speech. It is my comfort zone, and when I'm overwhelmed with emotions, or frustration, I can't help the way I speak.

Does anyone else do this? It doesn't make sense to me that I would be subject to further maltreatment because of speaking formally. I have dealt with this from my mother in law, husband, a friend, and people I've known in school. I tried explaining that it's a part of Aspergers, but rarely do people understand. I do not do it to act as a cerebral narcissist, but to prevent a total meltdown.


Yep I do this too, or I get really serious. People, mostly my sister, think I'm trying to sound superior to them.


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03 Nov 2009, 11:25 pm

Quote:
I start using "big words", stop using contractions, and my speech becomes formal. They said I'm obviously just trying to show that I'm better than everyone.


All the time - I tell them, 'sorry, my mom was an english teacher. In my house a double negative was a major sin.'
usually they laugh and understand.

And yes, Mom really did teach English.


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04 Nov 2009, 10:04 am

I do this.
My husband used to get quite annoyed with me until he figured out that I wasn't trying to be condescending or lofty, I revert to incredibly big words and proper grammar when I am upset or stressed or otherwise uncomfortable. That was the turning point for him and he went into "protect wife" mode, as I am fond of calling it.
He is very good at looking at me later and saying "Someone might have thought you were being condescending there and here's why." He doesn't tell me I was wrong or anything, just explains why someone might have thought that.

My mother in law never thinks that, but she's a teacher who deals with Aspies on a regular basis.

My husband's friends get on my case about it quite a bit. They often feel that I am acting "arrogant" by speaking so correctly and attribute it to my being an english major, rather than my Asperger's. I wrote them an email once explaining that I am not trying to be arrogant and I apologize if it comes off that way, but as I cannot help their perceptions of the situations, they would either have to bear with me and cut me some slack or think of me as arrogant. It has gotten somewhat easier since then and I'll often get them asking me if I'm having a Asperger's moment.

Since you have explained to these people that it is not arrogance and they still won't accept your explanation, it seems to me that they are stuck on why someone without Asperger's would do it and they need to be fairer to you. Try to explain how the formal speech helps you. I would target your husband first as he can be a safe zone for you if he is more aware of how he can help protect you.

Please forgive any advice that may offend, I only know how I have dealt with things and what helped me. ^_^



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04 Nov 2009, 3:46 pm

I have had the same problem in the past but am surrounded now by intelligent, educated people so they all speak the same way as I do. My formal diction and clear speaking voice has led to a mainstream radio career, so I'm glad I ignored the people who teased my when I was younger about the way I talk. It is useful to understand why some people can react badly, but don't lose your vocabulary just to make a few ignorant people feel better about themselves.


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04 Nov 2009, 4:52 pm

MsBehaviour wrote:
I have had the same problem in the past but am surrounded now by intelligent, educated people so they all speak the same way as I do. My formal diction and clear speaking voice has led to a mainstream radio career, so I'm glad I ignored the people who teased my when I was younger about the way I talk. It is useful to understand why some people can react badly, but don't lose your vocabulary just to make a few ignorant people feel better about themselves.


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04 Nov 2009, 6:57 pm

SINsister wrote:
MsBehaviour wrote:
I have had the same problem in the past but am surrounded now by intelligent, educated people so they all speak the same way as I do. My formal diction and clear speaking voice has led to a mainstream radio career, so I'm glad I ignored the people who teased my when I was younger about the way I talk. It is useful to understand why some people can react badly, but don't lose your vocabulary just to make a few ignorant people feel better about themselves.


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Oh, how I envy you...


Seconded. Someone told me in high school that I "sounded like a newsreader". I thought it sounded like a cool job, but then I started studying journalism and realised it actually required me to talk to people 8O



beejay
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04 Nov 2009, 7:17 pm

I tend to talk formally around people, too, and I was teased about it in school. For instance, I will not allow myself to end a sentence in a preposition; I have to correct myself if I do, no matter how long it takes.


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