Is it OK to have a crush on a YouTuber if you're in a relati

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Joe90
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04 Jul 2020, 5:09 pm

I've suddenly developed a crush on a YouTuber Benjamin Steele, better known as Rusty Cage, who sings very dark gothic songs. He's in America and there's like zero chance I'll ever meet him let alone date him (he might be married anyway I don't know). I just love watching his videos and listening to his songs. He's so dreamy.....

But anyway I live with my boyfriend and I love him of course. So I kind of feel guilty for having an overwhelming crush on a YouTube singer. I doubt my boyfriend has ever heard of him, I haven't mentioned it to him. I'd like to have Rusty Cage as my phone screen wallpaper but I think that will be a bit harsh on our relationship (we look at each other's phones because we trust each other).

So is it OK to have crushes on YouTubers, film stars, singers and other celebrities like that when you're in a relationship?


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greenmm37
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04 Jul 2020, 5:53 pm

From what I have heard, this sort of issue really depends on the relationship - i.e., how do you and your boyfriend feel about it? You might start by asking yourself how you would feel if he had a crush on a YouTuber/celebrity in the same way you do - if it doesn't bother you, great! But also consider what he feels (has he ever mentioned feelings about what constitutes infidelity to him? Some people are more touchy about crushes than others. This would be a good conversation to have anyways).

To reiterate my first point, this really depends on the couple. I know a long-time happily married couple in which the wife will often talk (somewhat jokingly) about what a huge crush she has on a football player, something I know her friends and spouse play along with. On the other hand, if it were my own parents, that would never fly, and I know my dad in particular would be really bothered if my mom talked about having a crush. Once again, I recommend talking to your boyfriend about it, even if the conversation is indirect - i.e. 'What are your feelings on celebrity crushes?' rather than outright 'I currently have a big crush on a YouTuber.' Of course, go about discussing it in whatever way you feel comfortable, these are just suggestions. Good luck though! I think your sensitivity to how your boyfriend would feel, and the fact that you've considered what this crush means for your relationship, are important steps in the right direction and show that you care.



Joe90
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04 Jul 2020, 6:12 pm

Personally I wouldn't be bothered if he fancied a female YouTube star. I'd be more bothered if he fancied a woman who he knows, like a friend or a neighbour.

Ages ago we went to see a movie, and afterwards we both opened up about having feelings for two of the characters in the movie (he fancied the wife and I fancied the husband). We both laughed.

But having a hot guy on my phone screen might be a little insensitive. I don't think I would mind if he had a female celebrity on his phone screen. It's harmless.
I just really, really fancy this Rusty Cage guy.


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greenmm37
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04 Jul 2020, 6:49 pm

Okay! Thank you for letting me know - I think given what you've said here, my advice (as an outsider, of course) is that the situation seems okay to me, given that you're both comfortable talking to each other on the terms you mentioned. The issue of the phone background is more complicated - I would probably recommend not putting the picture as your phone background, if only because it would help keep a healthy boundary for yourself with the crush too. I don't know you or your feelings well enough to say for sure, but putting myself in that situation, I would probably want to make sure that a crush remained a healthy, casual feeling and not more of a fixation (if he's your phone background you see him whenever your phone is open.

I don't mean to harp on about the one issue. From the way you've spoken, I think that you comprehend the situation very well and have a healthy consideration of your boyfriend's feelings, so ultimately I think you're fine. My only advice would be avoid changing the phone background.



Joe90
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05 Jul 2020, 4:04 am

You are right - maybe having him as my phone screen won't be such a good idea. I thought not.

It might be just a phase. In 6 months time I probably won't even think about this YouTube guy any more. :lol:


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Lely
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09 Jul 2020, 7:20 am

It is normal to still get crushes.
If someone gets married for example, will that human-made contract/social structure suddenly wipe out their hard-wired instinct to feel attracted to others or to get crushes? Would be very hard to believe that a married person never feels attracted to/gets a crush on anybody else ever again, right? Acting on it is what counts (to people who believe in the monogamous construct). Some can talk about it with their partner when they get a crush.
Especially when the crush is on personas such as film stars it's completely harmless and your boyfriend shouldn't have reason to worry unless his self esteem is extremely low.



Joe90
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10 Jul 2020, 7:19 pm

My boyfriend doesn't have very high self-esteem, although I love him and I think he's very handsome and lovely. But he's 20 years older, while this Rusty Cage guy is the same age as me, and if you typed in on YouTube "Rusty Cage knife game song" you'll know what I'm talking about. He is HOT and will get you swooning (if you're a girl or a gay guy). So seeing this hot guy might make my boyfriend feel bad about himself even though I do not fancy him any less than Rusty Cage.


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Pieplup
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13 Jul 2020, 8:28 am

Joe90 wrote:
My boyfriend doesn't have very high self-esteem, although I love him and I think he's very handsome and lovely. But he's 20 years older, while this Rusty Cage guy is the same age as me, and if you typed in on YouTube "Rusty Cage knife game song" you'll know what I'm talking about. He is HOT and will get you swooning (if you're a girl or a gay guy). So seeing this hot guy might make my boyfriend feel bad about himself even though I do not fancy him any less than Rusty Cage.
The dude who made the how to tie a noose song :lol: :lol: :lol: :lmao: :lmao:
On a Serious note, I don't think it's a problem unless your SO has a problem with it. Does he get jealous? It's perfectly normal to have crushes while in a relationship. Personally, I don't really get what you see in him.


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nick007
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17 Jul 2020, 1:57 am

I'm in that situation myself. However I developed the crush when I was single & very lonely. My crush on Miranda went away when I got in my 2nd relationship but came back when that relationship ended after half a year. It went away again when I got in my current relationship but came back within a year. It's been over 10 years since I fell HARD for Miranda & it quickly turned into an obsession. There has been some concern that my crush obsession on Miranda is kind of a delusional disorder, something like a mild variation of Erotomania. I started taking an antipsychotic a few years ago partly cuz of that. The antipsychotic helped me not get angry quite as easily but had no effect on my crush obsession. The antipsychotic got changed a couple/few months ago to better help me keep for getting angry & upset about things in general & the new antipsychotic is better helping with that but it had no effect on my crush obsession. I've only been on low doses of both antipsychotics thou. I got on an OCD med when my 2nd relationship ended(my OCD contributed to the relationship ending & was making it hard for me to get over things). The med is helping my OCD a lot but had no effect on the crush obsession. Maybe the issue is that I fell in love with her shortly after the crush obsession started. Ideally if I could live in another dimension or something, I would be married to my girlfriend & Miranda. They have a lot in common in some ways so they would probably get along well. Realistically I would settle for marrying my girlfriend & being one of Miranda's best friends but I have NO clue how to make it happen so I guess at this point I'll be dealing with this for the rest of my life.

As for as my crush being OK or not, Most would agree that it's unhealthy due to the mental distress it's been causing me. The crush obsession actually used to occasionally cause me to have some physical symptoms like feeling like I was gonna pass out but that stopped happening after I started taking a beta-blocker/blood-pressure med.


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Lely
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17 Jul 2020, 5:03 am

nick007 wrote:
I'm in that situation myself. However I developed the crush when I was single & very lonely. My crush on Miranda went away when I got in my 2nd relationship but came back when that relationship ended after half a year. It went away again when I got in my current relationship but came back within a year. It's been over 10 years since I fell HARD for Miranda & it quickly turned into an obsession. There has been some concern that my crush obsession on Miranda is kind of a delusional disorder, something like a mild variation of Erotomania. I started taking an antipsychotic a few years ago partly cuz of that. The antipsychotic helped me not get angry quite as easily but had no effect on my crush obsession. The antipsychotic got changed a couple/few months ago to better help me keep for getting angry & upset about things in general & the new antipsychotic is better helping with that but it had no effect on my crush obsession. I've only been on low doses of both antipsychotics thou. I got on an OCD med when my 2nd relationship ended(my OCD contributed to the relationship ending & was making it hard for me to get over things). The med is helping my OCD a lot but had no effect on the crush obsession. Maybe the issue is that I fell in love with her shortly after the crush obsession started. Ideally if I could live in another dimension or something, I would be married to my girlfriend & Miranda. They have a lot in common in some ways so they would probably get along well. Realistically I would settle for marrying my girlfriend & being one of Miranda's best friends but I have NO clue how to make it happen so I guess at this point I'll be dealing with this for the rest of my life.

As for as my crush being OK or not, Most would agree that it's unhealthy due to the mental distress it's been causing me. The crush obsession actually used to occasionally cause me to have some physical symptoms like feeling like I was gonna pass out but that stopped happening after I started taking a beta-blocker/blood-pressure med.

Who is Miranda? A fictional person?
Do you think your limerence wouldn't reduce & make marrying Miranda unattractive once you got together with her (in the other dimension :P) and realized that she can't possibly live up to the idealized fantasy version of her?



Joe90
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20 Jul 2020, 11:58 am

Pieplup wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
My boyfriend doesn't have very high self-esteem, although I love him and I think he's very handsome and lovely. But he's 20 years older, while this Rusty Cage guy is the same age as me, and if you typed in on YouTube "Rusty Cage knife game song" you'll know what I'm talking about. He is HOT and will get you swooning (if you're a girl or a gay guy). So seeing this hot guy might make my boyfriend feel bad about himself even though I do not fancy him any less than Rusty Cage.
The dude who made the how to tie a noose song :lol: :lol: :lol: :lmao: :lmao:
On a Serious note, I don't think it's a problem unless your SO has a problem with it. Does he get jealous? It's perfectly normal to have crushes while in a relationship. Personally, I don't really get what you see in him.


It's not a naive crush, I just love his looks and his voice and some of his songs he sings, particularly The Hearse Song.


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PhosphorusDecree
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27 Jul 2020, 2:25 pm

It seems completely normal to me! A lot of my friends who are married or in a couple have a crush on a (safely distant and unavailable) actor or singer. Though I doubt they talk about that in front of their partner unless their partner feels very secure....


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usagibryan
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27 Jul 2020, 2:31 pm

I have a crush on Danny Sexbang, if I somehow manage to get into a relationship that's not going to change.