Page 1 of 2 [ 17 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

lonelyLady
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 19 Sep 2007
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 166
Location: behind a very old computer

15 Feb 2014, 6:54 pm

While I've gotten better over the years at sort of finding friends, I am still having trouble finding REAL friends--friends that are interested in forming a close bond, at getting to really know me beyond a superficial level, that are there not only when I'm cheerful and when everything in my life is great, but also when I am depressed and have nothing positive in my life. I am wondering if I should give up on this goal, because in our cold society, where everyone (except me) has >500 friends on facebook, people no longer feel the need to form close connections. What are other people's thoughts on this?



coffeebean
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Oct 2013
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 769
Location: MN, US

15 Feb 2014, 7:17 pm

Well, Facebook friends don't really mean anything. They're more like contacts who can mutually follow each other's publicly posted activity, some of them just people that the user used to visit with in class or knows from work. Few, if any, people look at that click of a button as a real measure of love and companionship that can replace house parties, going out to dinner, hugging an actual person, etc.

For what it's worth, even social butterflies have said that true friends are rare. It just seems that lasting connections aren't often formed and people don't often see eye-to-eye.



redrobin62
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Apr 2012
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,009
Location: Seattle, WA

15 Feb 2014, 7:29 pm

When I look back at my friendships I realize they were more like acquaintances with benefits. I did things for them and, in return, they kept me company or whatever. Now that we're all separated I have no choice but to come to that conclusion. I had friends as long as I was buying.



Marky9
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Mar 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,625
Location: USA

15 Feb 2014, 8:24 pm

redrobin62 wrote:
I had friends as long as I was buying.


Amen, brother! :)



Willard
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,647

15 Feb 2014, 8:55 pm

...



Last edited by Willard on 17 Feb 2014, 3:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

yournamehere
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Oct 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,673
Location: Roaming 150 square miles somewhere in north america

15 Feb 2014, 10:39 pm

They are good for half a day once in a while. If you wind up in hell with someone, and work your way out of it with people, you may wind up with a good friend. I don't have any that came easy. I have a hard time calling alot of people I know a friend. Facebook friend is a new definition for supply. Most of the time friend=user. Alot of salesmen call me friend. It doesnt mean anything. We don't break bread together.



Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 42,400
Location: Houston, Texas

15 Feb 2014, 11:07 pm

Sometimes I wonder the same thing. I feel like I am expendable, and people only hang around when they need a favor, and then they disappear.


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!


lonelyLady
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 19 Sep 2007
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 166
Location: behind a very old computer

16 Feb 2014, 12:42 am

Thanks to everyone for replying! While I am saddened by the fact that my suspicions seem to be confirmed, I am also relieved by the fact that I am not the only one who has had this experience (for a long time I've felt rejected by the entire human society in the world).

redrobin62 wrote:
When I look back at my friendships I realize they were more like acquaintances with benefits. I did things for them and, in return, they kept me company or whatever. Now that we're all separated I have no choice but to come to that conclusion. I had friends as long as I was buying.


That's such a perfect way of phrasing it!

Willard wrote:
lonelyLady wrote:
friends that are interested in forming a close bond, at getting to really know me beyond a superficial level, that are there not only when I'm cheerful and when everything in my life is great, but also when I am depressed and have nothing positive in my life.


Dear, I have never even found that in a marriage, much less a friendship. .


I am really sorry to hear this. I don't think I could ever marry a man unless I felt a very deep connection to him, and knew that he would love me through both the ups and the downs of life.



krankes_hirn
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 26 Sep 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 355
Location: Mexico City

16 Feb 2014, 1:56 am

It is sad to read these posts

I am a weirdo, that's the bottom line.

At first I tried to turn into something that people would like. But I got shallow friends who only stuck around when I did them favors. That made me really bitter after a while, and became a cynic, and started to drive people away from me. I was cruel and rude to everyone.

The funny thing is that people seemed to be more interested in becoming friends with me at that time. But those were also shallow and meaningless friendships.

I met my two best buddies in high school, we were outcasts in one sense or another. None of us had friends, so we started to stick toghether, that kind of started bulding our friendship. We relied on each other, and trusted each other. We spent a lot of time toghether. Now, ten years later we are still close friends. And I've made some new friends too.

I really can't make friends. Whenever I try to be social, I end up with shallow friendships, if at all. Pretty much every friend I've made was not really up to me. It was more of their choice than mine, and a lot of times I resisted it because of fear of being used. Out of several dozen people I approached to, I've only managed to make one friend. All of my other friends came to me. At times I feel frustrated, because I'm not able to make new friends, as if it were not really up to me but to others. But I don't think true friendship is impossible or non existent.

This might sound cliché, but the best thing is to be yourself. Have the people around you know who are they dealing with and somebody might turn up who like you that way and then you might build a friendship from that point.



Outrider
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Feb 2014
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,007
Location: Australia

16 Feb 2014, 4:24 am

lonelyLady wrote:
While I've gotten better over the years at sort of finding friends, I am still having trouble finding REAL friends--friends that are interested in forming a close bond, at getting to really know me beyond a superficial level, that are there not only when I'm cheerful and when everything in my life is great, but also when I am depressed and have nothing positive in my life. I am wondering if I should give up on this goal, because in our cold society, where everyone (except me) has >500 friends on facebook, people no longer feel the need to form close connections. What are other people's thoughts on this?


I think it's best not to take facebook to heart. Social media in general just works differently than real life, including friendships. And the sad truth I think is that people really aren't as connected an close as it seems, friends these days aren't the type to help you when you're sad or care about you when something bad is happening. I realized long ago my "friends" at school are just minor acquaintances and not true friends.

But, I DO have some hope. My best friend lives in another city but we lived in the same place as kids. We keep in contact online and met up when I was on holiday's some months back, but anyway, he really does seem as what can be said to be a "true friend". He actually cares about how I feel and I do same, he's just a less social aspie (we both have AS) but we still have a good friendship.

I think it really is just best to be yourself and try to be open to other's and you will make "true" friends. Just hang in there.



Autinger
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 27 Aug 2012
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 263
Location: Valkenswaard, Noord Brabant, The Netherlands.

16 Feb 2014, 3:31 pm

Here I go again, but I believe to have finally found a real friend. Someone who tells me straight up how I come across to others and helping me improve, while at the same time making me feel like I'm perfect the way I am. Someone who holds me back when I go to far and pushes me forward when I do to little. I can go on for a while but I think you guys get the point.

How long it will last I don't know, but it's out there.


_________________
Openly autistic.


Bateman
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 15 Feb 2014
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Posts: 15
Location: England

16 Feb 2014, 6:06 pm

I sometimes wonder if there are a lot of people who simply do not have the ability to exist on a deep level, they are superficial beings.
But real friendships exist, and I know because I've seen them, just not very often. They are very difficult things.

I'm not sure what I look for in a friend, probably very little apart from openness and acceptance. It's possible that anyone can learn to love and understand anyone else if they hear their story from start to finish, possible that anyone can find common ground for conversation if they're willing enough to put themselves forward, but I don't know.
I'm searching.



Ai_Ling
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Nov 2010
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,891

18 Feb 2014, 2:13 am

I guess Im different then everyone else. I mostly make friendships with meaning (or i think they have). Its hard for me to have superficial friends. I cant maintain acquintances very well. I dont really know what to do. I kinda have that all or nothing perception which makes things difficult at times.



Sacrieur
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 13 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 11

18 Feb 2014, 2:39 am

I have a different perspective to offer.

I am often on the extending end of these true friendships. I take friendship very, very seriously and sincerely want the best for my friends. They can tell me anything and they know it. There are a few qualities that can make this happen:

1) Trust: obviously you need to trust your friends quite a bit to really be a "true" friend. This doesn't mean being absurd, but giving them the benefit of the doubt. It comes with some risk because people will tend to exploit it, but that's more of a matter who you pick to have as a friend.

2) Friendship is a two way street. There isn't one person doing the giving -- a friend won't take you for granted and consistently go out of their way to do things for you/show appreciation. If they treat you like crap, then that's it, it's done and they're gone.

3) Being nonjudgmental. You really, really can't judge them for who they are or they're going to shut themselves off from you. You have to accept them for who they are and if you can't do that, then you're not going to be friends.

---

Still though. I have been described as being particularly charismatic and that I exert an influence on the people around me, so friendships may be easier for me than other people because of just how confident (or arrogant) I am. I don't extend friendship very freely either. It's only to select people who I really have a feel I know, but once a friend I'm someone they can count on.



marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,752
Location: Turkey

20 Feb 2014, 1:29 am

Bateman wrote:
I sometimes wonder if there are a lot of people who simply do not have the ability to exist on a deep level, they are superficial beings.

That's how it seems. A lot of people just aren't very deep.



hihowareyou
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jan 2014
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 69

20 Feb 2014, 3:20 am

I had this same discussion with my neighbor. Our consciences was that after the millennium everyone has become less social. Not many people even take the effort to call or knock on the door. It's a real shame. I remember when I was younger people always would come over unexpected and I would do the same with others.