First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Sidecarsmom
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05 Dec 2019, 3:15 pm

cyberscan wrote:
I love the idea of a NT and Spectrumite exchange. I want to thank all of our NT's who come here to try to understand us as well. This kind of thing has been my dream.


As an NT "newbie", I came her to find out how to keep my Aspie happy and how to create a closer bond between us. If that's not possible, it is helpful to know that I am not alone and that I am not lacking. contrary to popular opinion, many of us who love Aspies would give anything to feel like they are "enough". We don't feel superior to Aspies, we want to know why we aren't good enough for our Aspies to "love us". I feel sooo much better being on here just for this one day, than I have in a while. I am not alone and I am not crazy. THANK YOU.



Teach51
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16 Jan 2020, 6:01 am

I would like to know why male aspies (it hasn't happened with my female friend) don't respond to Wattsapp messages unless I ask a question.


Also, this speed of lightning wiping of the cheek after I kiss them? No kissing on the cheek? :)


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16 Jan 2020, 6:25 am

Teach51 wrote:
I would like to know why male aspies (it hasn't happened with my female friend) don't respond to Wattsapp messages unless I ask a question.


Also, this speed of lightning wiping of the cheek after I kiss them? No kissing on the cheek? :)


I don't know if I'm NT or aspie so is difficult to answer from which perspective... But I can answer the kissing the cheek part.
As a child and even sometimes as an adult I would be wiping my cheek or lips after they had been kissed.
The only times I didn't were when I had my first girlfriend.

One is lipstick. Somehow the thought of someone kissing me with lipstick used to make me want to keep wiping my face off.
The second is lips are slightly moist and kissing is highly "Close" so I can feel the slightly moist feeling on my face where I've been kissed, and it feels like my face is almost dirty? Dirty is not the word to use. Feels like germs stay if it is not wiped quickly afterwards?

However, kissing a girlfriend who one is very close to tends to be different because one starts to trust her to a point where ones mind starts thinking of her as part of you? I still sometimes used to wipe my cheek a little when she wasn't looking! Haha! Shhh!

But to get to the base of it. It is a sensory thing. A kiss can still be felt a long time after it has been kissed.


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16 Jan 2020, 7:57 am

Teach51 wrote:
I would like to know why male aspies (it hasn't happened with my female friend) don't respond to Wattsapp messages unless I ask a question.


Also, this speed of lightning wiping of the cheek after I kiss them? No kissing on the cheek? :)
I'm not a male, and I don't even know what Wattsapp is, but I am very slow and quite frankly somewhat reluctant to engage in personal messages. Writing them, formulating them, takes a lot of time. Weeks and months often pass before I respond to personal things, and I will usually have spent too many hours on it. And replies arrive way too early because everyone else is so dang quick to write and I before I know it, I'm supposed to write again. It's more stress that it's worth and I avoid getting into it when I can. It cost too much and give too little.

That seems pretty specific to me to be though.

I think if your friends aren't responding it's more likely they don't think a reply is needed, but it is when you ask something.



Also speaking for myself, I wipe my hand/cheek if kissed because I have no interest in wearing someone's spit. I think it's disgusting.


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16 Jan 2020, 10:35 am

Thank you. Most enlightening.


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AspieGuyPerson
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23 Jan 2020, 5:34 pm

I have a question for NTs. I engage in conversation in with one and they seem interested, and they interact, but then looking at their face they seem bored, and like they want to leave as soon as possible. Why would they do this when obviously they aren't interested, and why don't they just say that they aren't interested?

I run into this problem quite often.


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29 Jan 2020, 8:40 am

I can think of a few potential reasons, from what I've been told:

1. Because of the value placed on social relationships and politeness, they are listening to show that they value you are are a nice person, not because they like the topic.

2. They started out interested, but you stayed on the topic too long. Like maybe they wanted a 5 minute discussion of the tv show, and you are on minute 15.

3. They have been subtlety trying to change topics, and you haven't picked up on it. So now they feel trapped/forced into being rude. (Related to points 1 and 2.)

Those have been my observations. Hope that helps!


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Artsybee
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02 Feb 2020, 2:09 am

This does look like fun. I am NT and my husband is NA, has Aspergers. I feel I can see another NA from even the smallest of signs.
I don't like to see anyone struggling in social situations so I make friends rather quickly with NA's. It's usually during a situation that someone who has Aspergers doesn't see the bigger picture in conversation when I, as a friend, interject help. I can give plenty examples of things that are said during conversation that are taken too literally by my dear husband. I'm quick to help him see the point for example. I apologise to everyone if I am rambling. I'm just so excited to share with anyone my experiences if anyone is interested. Luckily for me my husband is there for me because he is so direct when I need to think more logically about anything. And I can talk about that too if anyone is interested!



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09 Jun 2020, 4:50 pm

Teach51 wrote:
I would like to know why male aspies (it hasn't happened with my female friend) don't respond to Wattsapp messages unless I ask a question.


If your message is a statement, it's not obvious where the conversation is going next. If you ask a question, there is definitely still something you wish to know. So, for example, "Do you like ice cream? And if so, which flavours?" will get a response. "I like ice cream" won't, necessarily, because an AS person might not think it warrants a response. Great, I know you like ice cream now. I'm not really sure why you told me, but thanks anyway.

There is an overlap here with gender differences, too. I firmly believe that most men in normal NT world value directness whereas women think it is more polite to be vague or indirect. With AS that sense can be heightened. If we're feeling stressed then the last thing we need is someone "going round the houses" when they could be direct. It feels like the NT person is creating hard work for us, for no reason, because we've got to figure out a hint or implication when it could have been said straight. There's also more risk of misinterpretation if something is vague, and we're quite likely to be painfully aware of the results of misunderstandings, from experiences in the past and embarrassment / hurt. Having to guess what someone really means is stressful.

Turning that round the other way, if you don't ask a question, why would you expect a response? How does that work?



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24 Jul 2020, 10:36 am

We need to revive this thread.

Can any NTs present (or who come now that I've tried revive this) weigh in on what it would take for most Aspies to gain social acceptance? I wrestle with this one regularly. On the one hand, we get lip service about how it's "okay to be Aspie" and how we should treat people with disabilities kindly, on the other hand it's perfectly acceptable to mock and exclude others who don't act like everyone else. I don't think most NTs see the contradiction here.


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25 Jul 2020, 12:06 am

Whale_Tuune wrote:
on the other hand it's perfectly acceptable to mock and exclude others who don't act like everyone else. I don't think most NTs see the contradiction here.


I think the competitive nature of modern society breeds the worship of alphas as societal role models. Everyone wants to be top of their game so tend to want to hang out with their "social equals" and exclude those they deem as inferior.

Even "soft hearted" liberals and "bleeding heart" leftists would prefer to spend their "precious time" talking about social equality in their social groups over a glass of wine or coffee than making minorities feel inclusive by simply spending time with them.

NTs also exclude small children and the elderly from their precious time. Conversely the elderly practice the same thing. My elderly parents apparently prefer to watch TV than hang out with my daughter on zoom or google hangouts.

So in short its ok to mock and socially exclude people who are "different" because parents instil these values in their children that if you want to be good/or the best then don't waste your time with "losers".



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25 Jul 2020, 3:28 am

Well don't everybody fall over each other to ask questions....

I can see why this thread died....



cyberdad
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26 Jul 2020, 12:42 am

AspieGuyPerson wrote:
I have a question for NTs. I engage in conversation in with one and they seem interested, and they interact, but then looking at their face they seem bored, and like they want to leave as soon as possible. Why would they do this when obviously they aren't interested, and why don't they just say that they aren't interested?

I run into this problem quite often.


Ahh we have a customer, good day young man....

NTs master the art of duplicity where they make use of executive function in their frontal lobe to speak in a polite/diplomatic way to appear polite. Meanwhile they may be actually bored and looking for a cue to exit.

Watch a British TV show called "Yes Minister", although it's comedy the actors portray brilliantly how politicians use diplomacy with people they are uncomfortable dealing with.



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26 Jul 2020, 12:44 am

Artsybee wrote:
This does look like fun. I am NT and my husband is NA, has Aspergers. I feel I can see another NA from even the smallest of signs.
I don't like to see anyone struggling in social situations so I make friends rather quickly with NA's. It's usually during a situation that someone who has Aspergers doesn't see the bigger picture in conversation when I, as a friend, interject help. I can give plenty examples of things that are said during conversation that are taken too literally by my dear husband. I'm quick to help him see the point for example. I apologise to everyone if I am rambling. I'm just so excited to share with anyone my experiences if anyone is interested. Luckily for me my husband is there for me because he is so direct when I need to think more logically about anything. And I can talk about that too if anyone is interested!


I am interested but given you posted on 2nd Feb and nobody responded to you I apologise (assuming you are still here)

Oh look there's a cobweb and there goes tumbelweed



BrendaStokes
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30 Jul 2020, 2:23 pm

MONKEY wrote:
Oooh this looks fun.
A question to NTs:
do you notice even the mildest of aspies, do they seem not right to you even if they're really subtle???

agree with you