First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 2 Feb 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 30
Location: North New Jersey

09 Sep 2019, 8:39 pm

NT5732 wrote:
Hello, everyone!

I'm a female NT getting married to a very intense, creative AS man in a few weeks. I have a few questions..

1. Any advice on practicing two-way conversations? On our first date, I sat and listened to him talk for six hours (and he'd only just started learning English!) I said maybe two words the entire time. I love his passion and honesty, but (two years later) he's still ranting on a loop about the same topics. Even bringing this up with him means giving the disclaimer: "Can we focus on what I'm feeling for the next twenty minutes?" If anyone has any tips on smoothing this out, they'd be very appreciated. :) Sometimes I can feel him counting the breaths until he can speak again... haha.

2. How can NTs best support an AS with obsessions and volatile emotions? He takes any perceived criticism very hard, which makes talking about this stuff difficult. He shuts down and internalizes it (more than is "typical" for most people), even when it's presented as a way to improve, rather than a criticism. He also has difficulty regulating his emotions when he gets negative feedback on his work or feels let down by a friend. It's like his whole world is coming to an end--in the most literal sense, it's an emotional apocalypse. He'll feel that life has lost all color if a good friend (someone he cares about) takes a few hours to text him back. AS & NTs: how do you all help/accept help regulating these (occasionally irrational) responses?

I'm so in awe of the AS mind. He is a video game designer who goes to the office from 7PM-9AM to avoid working near his colleagues, or he'll stay awake for 24h straight (then nap for 4-5h before another 24h cycle) when he becomes really fixated. This can last for upwards of 7 months. He drinks 10 cups of coffee a day and smokes to help him focus. Does this sound familiar to anyone? How can I help him slow down, maybe live a bit healthier, and find joy and self-worth outside of his obsessive work cycles?

Thanks so much for your time and for reading! I really appreciate it! :D


he sounds like me. Tell him how important it is that you dedicate say 1 hour a day towards mutual fun.


_________________
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Here is the steeple

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KimD
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 21 May 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 358

09 Sep 2019, 11:57 pm

Newbeginings wrote:
(:
Thanks for the welcome!
I'm really excited about this website, and autism as well. It seems like I've only heard about the spectrum until recently. But I have always noticed the difference between ways of thinking. Like I've always been told theres just something off about the way that boy thinks, or the number of jobs I have lost mostly due to not not knowing how to deal with people. I mean I would freak out and it would just make things worse. Or I would crawl up into a shell trying to hide away. When it gets this bad I find it even harder to understand people and it gets worse. Not linked up in some ways that others are, but linked up to other valuable assets that others aren't.

Well I guess there are lots of places to write dont need to put it all on this page. Working hard on the communicating thing. In a lot of ways I've gotten sharper at noticing things and pick up on things that the adverge person isn't aware of, just because where it comes natural for them I really have to sometimes brake it down into parts and see things and it's made me somewhat better at observing and relating.

There are just some places my mind cant go or has a harder time with that other people breeze right through. On the other hand my mind can go to some pretty strange places others cant get to, or it's more difficult for some, but this is where the ideas come from.

I'll get better as I write more so bare with me. I've read some really good stuff here so far, and am glad to be here.

As far as what genre I'm not really sure. I like Literature or what's called Literature. Once heard it described as story's that show a general sense of ambiguity. And it seems to fit.

Once again thanks for the welcome!


If it makes you feel any better, I think getting to a point where you're too stressed about a situation and things just start to snowball is something of a universal experience, in general. Lashing out or withdrawing, getting flustered to the point where you can't think straight, and all-out panic attacks might not come as often for NTs--or some NTs might just hide it better than others--but it's pretty relatable, IMO. Perhaps the things that bring an ND person to that point might be quite different, or those responses might be triggered more easily, and might then pile up quickly with other frustrations, but I know that everyone has their own way of coming back to whatever they feel is neutral or home base, and whether they know how to get there or not, I'm willing to offer (or not) whatever help they may need--including just getting out of the way. :)

I'd like to hear more sometime about your insights and perceptions, if you ever feel like trying to describe them. Maybe we could compare notes, if it helps either of us reach a deeper understanding. I'd really like that.


Re: books. Lately, I've been reading (or re-reading) a lot of biographies and auto-biographies. Right now I'm reading Jane Goodall's Through a Window, but I finished George Carlin's Last Words last month, and want to check out some of his other works next. I really appreciate his atypical way of looking at things and find his humor, acerbic as it can get sometimes, comforting right now. I miss him--silly, serious, wise, blunt, whatever. Over the years, he became the whole package. [sigh]



Newbeginings
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 18 Aug 2019
Age: 55
Gender: Male
Posts: 12
Location: San Francisco

10 Sep 2019, 2:27 pm

I would burn my arms. Heat up a spoon with a lighter. I still got scars from 40 years ago.



Newbeginings
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 18 Aug 2019
Age: 55
Gender: Male
Posts: 12
Location: San Francisco

10 Sep 2019, 2:29 pm

Dont know to much about how this works or whom I'm posting to half the time, its going to take a moment to catch on.



PoseyBuster88
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 17 Mar 2019
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 267

10 Sep 2019, 4:18 pm

Newbeginings wrote:
Dont know to much about how this works or whom I'm posting to half the time, its going to take a moment to catch on.


If you hit the "quote" button on their post, then type your reply underneath, that makes it clear. Or address your response to them. :-)


_________________
~AQ 32; not formally diagnosed.~


Newbeginings
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 18 Aug 2019
Age: 55
Gender: Male
Posts: 12
Location: San Francisco

11 Sep 2019, 12:35 am

PoseyBuster88 wrote:
Newbeginings wrote:
Dont know to much about how this works or whom I'm posting to half the time, its going to take a moment to catch on.


If you hit the "quote" button on their post, then type your reply underneath, that makes it clear. Or address your response to them. :-)



Cool, thanks!



Newbeginings
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 18 Aug 2019
Age: 55
Gender: Male
Posts: 12
Location: San Francisco

11 Sep 2019, 10:34 pm

KimD wrote:
Newbeginings wrote:
(:
Thanks for the welcome!
I'm really excited about this website, and autism as well. It seems like I've only heard about the spectrum until recently. But I have always noticed the difference between ways of thinking. Like I've always been told theres just something off about the way that boy thinks, or the number of jobs I have lost mostly due to not not knowing how to deal with people. I mean I would freak out and it would just make things worse. Or I would crawl up into a shell trying to hide away. When it gets this bad I find it even harder to understand people and it gets worse. Not linked up in some ways that others are, but linked up to other valuable assets that others aren't.

Well I guess there are lots of places to write dont need to put it all on this page. Working hard on the communicating thing. In a lot of ways I've gotten sharper at noticing things and pick up on things that the adverge person isn't aware of, just because where it comes natural for them I really have to sometimes brake it down into parts and see things and it's made me somewhat better at observing and relating.

There are just some places my mind cant go or has a harder time with that other people breeze right through. On the other hand my mind can go to some pretty strange places others cant get to, or it's more difficult for some, but this is where the ideas come from.

I'll get better as I write more so bare with me. I've read some really good stuff here so far, and am glad to be here.

As far as what genre I'm not really sure. I like Literature or what's called Literature. Once heard it described as story's that show a general sense of ambiguity. And it seems to fit.

Once again thanks for the welcome!


If it makes you feel any better, I think getting to a point where you're too stressed about a situation and things just start to snowball is something of a universal experience, in general. Lashing out or withdrawing, getting flustered to the point where you can't think straight, and all-out panic attacks might not come as often for NTs--or some NTs might just hide it better than others--but it's pretty relatable, IMO. Perhaps the things that bring an ND person to that point might be quite different, or those responses might be triggered more easily, and might then pile up quickly with other frustrations, but I know that everyone has their own way of coming back to whatever they feel is neutral or home base, and whether they know how to get there or not, I'm willing to offer (or not) whatever help they may need--including just getting out of the way. :)

I'd like to hear more sometime about your insights and perceptions, if you ever feel like trying to describe them. Maybe we could compare notes, if it helps either of us reach a deeper understanding. I'd really like that.


Re: books. Lately, I've been reading (or re-reading) a lot of biographies and auto-biographies. Right now I'm reading Jane Goodall's Through a Window, but I finished George Carlin's Last Words last month, and want to check out some of his other works next. I really appreciate his atypical way of looking at things and find his humor, acerbic as it can get sometimes, comforting right now. I miss him--silly, serious, wise, blunt, whatever. Over the years, he became the whole package. [sigh]



Yeah George Carlin is a trip. Seems to cover most everything, important anyway.
Sounds like you have a curious mind as well.
Sometimes its the only thing that makes the day worthwhile, wondering where it came from, what it is, wheres its going, why it is the way it is. Just a little observation blues.
So what part of the world are you from?



spireman
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 13 Sep 2019
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 1

13 Sep 2019, 9:32 am

I think it's the same for almost anyone, it's hard to "fake it" when your really not interested. When I do it then the talk becomes "blah blah blah". I tend to stick to generalities and keep things on the light side so it doesn't become boring. Hope that made sense.



Try2ki55me
Emu Egg
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Joined: 26 Sep 2019
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 6
Location: London

26 Sep 2019, 8:12 am

Good Idea )



Jakki
Veteran
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Joined: 21 Sep 2019
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Posts: 3,969
Location: Outter Quadrant

26 Sep 2019, 11:27 am

Nowadays that have reached awareness , am trying much to stay off of all peoples radar unless forced . It is quite apparent mostly that ,am not speaking the same language as most nt persons.
And forcing communication is not always a enviable trait for anyone. Am not trying to be big headed here but , am not always aware of necessity of having to dumb down my language to communicate.

Am aware of eccentricies of language and nuances and try to apply them as needed . But finding myself most often just listening . Occassionally wondering if the nt person actually realizes the meaning and inherent ideas behind their own words . Wish i could have made this alittle more polite in appearance but it would have not said what was needed here.
SIGHES: maybe its just a bad day. :?:


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KimD
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

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Joined: 21 May 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 358

26 Sep 2019, 5:37 pm

Jakki wrote:
.....Am aware of eccentricies of language and nuances and try to apply them as needed . But finding myself most often just listening . Occassionally wondering if the nt person actually realizes the meaning and inherent ideas behind their own words....


What sorts of things are (we) NTs saying that cause you to question their (our) awareness?



Jakki
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27 Sep 2019, 6:01 am

KimD wrote:
Jakki wrote:
.....Am aware of eccentricies of language and nuances and try to apply them as needed . But finding myself most often just listening . Occassionally wondering if the nt person actually realizes the meaning and inherent ideas behind their own words....


What sorts of things are (we) NTs saying that cause you to question their (our) awareness?

If you have to ask , it typifies my statement ,moreover, NT.people will ask another so called NT professional to back up a statement by another NT in authoritarian position . To corroberate a obviously inaccurate statement usually a NT colleague
And stand on that opinion as being a truism. (When obvious previous questions completely dispel their opinions .) To double down on their overtly incorrect opinion . Particularily when current documented research . Has already proved them incorrect. Experienced many many times in dealing with NT med professionals . Sadly but true,same with city counselpeople . Rather than recess to research or ask for proof of opposing opinion ." Even " after facts brought to their attention . Have personally experienced this in various regards, even in decisions concerning my own personal healthcare , while i
Literally held the documented proof of many studies and clinical trials in my hands after offering it to them . More examples available.

, 8O


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whereever you go ,there you are


Dughis
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 31 Oct 2019
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Posts: 1

31 Oct 2019, 7:31 am

Thanks for sharing



Dylan Tupelo
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

Joined: 11 Nov 2019
Posts: 19
Location: Ireland

12 Nov 2019, 1:02 pm

I have a question for NTs. I sometimes wonder how I might be a burden on those around me with my special needs and disability and I'm wondering if having a spouse/sibling/family member or friend with ASD sometimes feels like a burden on you? what are the difficulties about having a relationship - any kind of relationship with someone who is ASD and how can I lessen the degree to which those difficulties effect my relationship with NTs? I realise this is an extremely broad question, apologies for not being able to put it in a simpler way.



PoseyBuster88
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 17 Mar 2019
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 267

12 Nov 2019, 7:43 pm

I don't know for sure whether I qualify as NT or ASD, but I can share frustrations I have heard from my NT parents relating to my ASD sibling:

1. Try not to just "disappear" for days/weeks/months with no contact. NTs only do that when angry at someone or because they are trying to hide something from them.

2. Remember that most NTs need more reassurance about the relationship than most ASD people. So make sure to say "I love you" to parents, siblings, romantic partners, etc. And maybe ask people if they'd like a hug from time to time if you can handle hugs.

3. Meltdowns scare or at least deeply concern NTs. If you can, try to go in private.

I also think letting your family know you want to accommodate them as much as you can will also go a long way. They may or may not have suggestions, but knowing you are thinking about their needs and care will probably mean a lot.


_________________
~AQ 32; not formally diagnosed.~


Dylan Tupelo
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

Joined: 11 Nov 2019
Posts: 19
Location: Ireland

13 Nov 2019, 9:08 am

PoseyBuster88 wrote:
I don't know for sure whether I qualify as NT or ASD, but I can share frustrations I have heard from my NT parents relating to my ASD sibling:

1. Try not to just "disappear" for days/weeks/months with no contact. NTs only do that when angry at someone or because they are trying to hide something from them.

2. Remember that most NTs need more reassurance about the relationship than most ASD people. So make sure to say "I love you" to parents, siblings, romantic partners, etc. And maybe ask people if they'd like a hug from time to time if you can handle hugs.

3. Meltdowns scare or at least deeply concern NTs. If you can, try to go in private.

I also think letting your family know you want to accommodate them as much as you can will also go a long way. They may or may not have suggestions, but knowing you are thinking about their needs and care will probably mean a lot.


This is extremely helpful, thank you so much! I don't really have meltdowns anymore so that’s good, as with reassurance I often tell people I know how much I value and love them so that’s a relief, as with disappearing I’ve learned my lessons from worrying my mother so I make sure to always have a phone with me. Thank you this was so helpful!