I don't feel love and romance like I feel I should

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Joined: 3 Feb 2006
Age: 38
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Location: Ohio, USA

18 Jun 2010, 5:41 pm

People are talking about asexuality like it's something pathological--how absolutely silly that is!

We're finally getting the idea that there's no mental illness involved with being in love with the same gender or the opposite gender; but the second somebody says, "Neither, actually," people are still looking at them like they're a bit touched in the head.

We've got to get rid of the idea that everybody wants love. No, everybody does not want love, whether or not the movies assume that they do. Asexuality is real and it's got nothing to do with being some kind of freak. It's just natural variation of the human sex drive.

People forget there are two dimensions, at the very least, to human sexuality--not just attraction, but intensity. High intensity means someone who really, really wants love, and builds his life around finding it. Low intensity means someone whose priorities are elsewhere, who is indifferent to romance. There are people all along the line from those two extremes. And then there's the physical versus emotional dimension; you can be physically attracted, but not emotionally attracted, or want emotional intimacy but not sex. It's a great deal more complex than people make it out to be.

Unfortunately, we're still lucky to have "gay versus straight" even have entered the public mind as a form of natural variation. Anything more complicated than that generally has people tilting their heads and going, "You're a whaaaat?"

Reports from a Resident Alien:

Autism Memorial:


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Joined: 14 Apr 2007
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18 Jun 2010, 9:51 pm

Callista wrote:
And then there's the physical versus emotional dimension; you can be physically attracted, but not emotionally attracted, or want emotional intimacy but not sex.

I'm the latter. Where do these people exist? I don't want to live alone for the rest of my life. Is it hopeless?

Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

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Joined: 29 May 2010
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18 Jun 2010, 11:23 pm

I think we need to better define what you expect (and expect to feel) from a relationship.

This link might help. At least as a starting point.

ponies wrote:
...live with them and feel comfortable with them... not minding being around the person and not wanting harm to come to them,
or look after them when they are sick or hurt...

So there are a maximum of three components to a relationship, and you've listed two.

*You are comfortable around them. This means you have intimacy.

*You care for them and want them to be well. This (I think) qualifies as commitment.

The missing component then, is passion. Sexual attraction. Either you didn't mention it or you haven't experienced these feelings yet. As others have mentioned, you could also be asexual.

The much celebrated and mythologized qualities of love can usually be reduced to the initial cascade of hormones which gives rise to strong passion. This often wanes with time.

It sounds like you aren't missing much.


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Joined: 22 Apr 2010
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19 Jun 2010, 1:29 am

I have accepted the fact I am incapable of feeling love for another person.


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Joined: 28 Feb 2008
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19 Jun 2010, 1:43 am

Your romantic life won't necessarily be what you see done in Hollywood productions, dude.

I love my girlfriend more than anything; but I show my love for her in my own way...not the way necessarily society dictates I should.

My own family I don't feel actual love for; I like my mom's side a lot, but I don't feel the emotion of love for them that NTs do.

It's apparently normal for Autistic people.


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Joined: 13 Jul 2007
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Location: Aarhus, Denmark

19 Jun 2010, 10:50 am

I don't think love has to be a feeling all the time. It can be an attitude or a choice.
Furthermore, there are other kinds of love than the romantic one.
As for me, I might be aromantic / asexual. But I can still love my family and friends. That's love too. :)