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Mr. Nonfiction
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30 May 2020, 5:59 pm

Am I unlikable? This question has occupied my mind a lot lately.

For several months my BFF has seemed hostile towards me. I no longer want to call him, because I usually feel attacked or insulted afterwards. Then a few weeks ago someone who I thought was my friend told me rather bluntly that we are "incompatible". Anyone else I consider to be my friend simply never responds to efforts I make to connect with them, and none of my 'friends' initiate any contact with me, the burden of maintaining the friendship always falling on myself.

About eight months ago, I also started working in an office, offering me plenty of opportunity to experience being in a social setting on a daily basis with other adults. My therapists in high school used to say that socializing gets easier when you get older. They lied. Everyday at work I feel like my head is stamped with "Wrong Planet". My co-workers are immature, indifferent, intolerant, moody, and overall make me feel like I don't belong, very much like high school.

All of this has created a social crisis in my head. Am I really this unlikable??

I want friends to talk to, do fun activities with, etc. How pleasant and nice it would be if, for no other reason than they enjoy talking to me, a friend sent me a simple "Hey, How are you doing?" text message or something. Alas, this never happens.

The advice I read online about making friends makes gives me chronic eye-rolls, such as finding people that share my interests. If it was that easy, don't you think I would have tried that? Nobody shares my interests. They are too obscure, eccentric, and specialized. Any relationship I have had with someone has been despite my interests, not because of them. Please try to understand this.

If I am in fact unlikable, what causes me to be unlikable and how do I fix it?



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30 May 2020, 7:26 pm

Mr. Nonfiction wrote:
... If I am in fact unlikable, what causes me to be unlikable and how do I fix it?
Find out what other people like, and do it.


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starkid
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30 May 2020, 7:41 pm

"Am I unlikable?" is actually a meaningless question because "unlikable" isn't a human trait; it's a value judgment. A value judgments is a decision made by some person; it's an opinion, and it is therefore nothing more than the product of someone's mind.

You cannot "be" something that exists solely in someone else's mind.

So there is no way to "be" unlikable; at most, you are unliked (by some particular person or people).



Fnord
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30 May 2020, 8:38 pm

If you want to attract people, find out what attracts them, and do it.
If you want to be likeable, find out what others like, and do it.
If you want to be lovable, find out what others love, and do it.


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bee33
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16 Jun 2020, 1:44 pm

Those of us who don't have a natural ability to be warm and friendly, which many neurotypicals can do without even trying, usually fall into one of two camps. Either we seem aloof and even judgemental, for no other reason that we are not actively smiling and being gregarious and warm, or we seem too pushy because we talk without having been invited by the other person's body language (that is supposed to let us know whether the other person is receptive to being engaged in a conversation at the moment). Or we just talk for too long about things that don't interest the other person, and then they want to avoid us because they think we are a bore.

You may fall into one of these two camps. If you can figure out which one, you can either try to seem more pleasant and friendly by smiling and saying hello, or, if you are in the other camp, you can make an effort to just say hello or smile without starting to talk, and then pay attention to whether the other person seems to want to keep interacting with you.

This is easier said than done. I know that for me it's hard to see other people's social cues, so I usually try not to be a bother, but that doesn't make me any close friends.



sorrowfairiewhisper
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16 Jun 2020, 1:50 pm

Theirs nothing you can do! long as you respect others, harm none. You're polite and kind. That's all you can do!
It's nice that you care about what others think but you can't please everyone.



Gentleman Argentum
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17 Jun 2020, 4:24 am

sorrowfairiewhisper wrote:
Theirs nothing you can do! long as you respect others, harm none. You're polite and kind. That's all you can do!
It's nice that you care about what others think but you can't please everyone.


I'm leaning towards this answer.
Truth is, who has friends anyway, especially out at work?
Seems to me it's "every man for himself."
The best I ever hope for is cordial acquaintances, that sometimes may be willing to discuss things other than work.


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BTDT
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17 Jun 2020, 6:28 am

If you are attacked or insulted there is usually a reason for that.
It may not be a good reason but there is usually some sort of cause and effect.
My memory is good enough that I can remember exactly what I may have done to provoke that.
Can you?



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17 Jun 2020, 10:52 am

BTDT wrote:
If you are attacked or insulted there is usually a reason for that.
It may not be a good reason but there is usually some sort of cause and effect.
My memory is good enough that I can remember exactly what I may have done to provoke that.
Can you?


This is a good answer too.
Inspired me to go back and read OP.
I think he gave the game away saying his coworkers are "indifferent." Well of course they are. Coworkers are indifferent everywhere. They are not there to be your friend. They are there to earn a living. You got to be your own friend.

Do you like yourself?
RuPaul said, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love anyone else?"

Also, sometimes you can ASK people why they are mad at you. I have done so many a time and often they won't say anything because they're too ashamed to admit that they got mad over something petty and stupid. But every once in a while, the other person may point out something useful.


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Nadiaworld
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19 Jun 2020, 11:09 am

This Asperger deal is a real Catch-22. You’re constantly overthinking every little aspect of any social interaction and when you are just being yourself it’s not well-received either so you’re left with your hands tied. I don’t think it’s a matter of being unlikable as much as conforming. Unless you fit a certain mold and talk the talk and walk the walk, people will not spend a single minute with you.

Case in point: I finally managed to hold on to a job for two years now (first time in my life), but I always feel like I’m holding on by a thread because I do feel rejected by the staff on a daily basis. If I remain invisible and mind my own business it’s probably perceived as weird. If I do venture out and initiate small talk, they seem put off and Make it very obvious that my input is not welcome. Damned if I do damned if I don’t. So what’s the solution? Keep your chin up and keep doing your job as well as you can. It’s no fun but at least you have a job.



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19 Jun 2020, 2:14 pm

We are Aspies. Our brain structure is a little different. I gave up a long time ago in trying to make people like me. It doesn't work. Instead I try and make them accept me. I stand up for me.

But if you are intent on trying to make people like you, then I will give you one recommendation. Wear blue mirrored glasses. They are like one way mirrors. You can see out but others cannot see in.

When children are infants, they begin to interpret the world by looking into other peoples eyes. Just like words, they begin to understand emotions by gazing into eyes. As they grow they become quite proficient using this resource. They can judge a person within a few seconds. They identify a person as "friend or foe" that quickly. But as an Aspie, we generally don't use this technique. People gaze into our eyes and they interpret the wrong signals. So generally we are interpreted as "foe" or "maybe foe" or "weird". And we are left in the dust. Therefore to solve this problem, block others from looking into your eyes. It is simple to do with these glasses.

I purchased a special pair of blue mirrored prescription glasses a couple years back. People in generally treat me friendlier when I wear them. They will smile at me. Even strangers will come up to me and ask for advise.


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19 Jun 2020, 2:40 pm

i hope you find a way to deal with being on your own ...... many times you might find that in the long run, You are literally your own best friend. Sometimes you may find if your happy and content with yourself. You may very well attract people to you .


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Gentleman Argentum
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19 Jun 2020, 7:15 pm

jimmy m wrote:
We are Aspies. Our brain structure is a little different. I gave up a long time ago in trying to make people like me. It doesn't work. Instead I try and make them accept me. I stand up for me.

But if you are intent on trying to make people like you, then I will give you one recommendation. Wear blue mirrored glasses. They are like one way mirrors. You can see out but others cannot see in.

When children are infants, they begin to interpret the world by looking into other peoples eyes. Just like words, they begin to understand emotions by gazing into eyes. As they grow they become quite proficient using this resource. They can judge a person within a few seconds. They identify a person as "friend or foe" that quickly. But as an Aspie, we generally don't use this technique. People gaze into our eyes and they interpret the wrong signals. So generally we are interpreted as "foe" or "maybe foe" or "weird". And we are left in the dust. Therefore to solve this problem, block others from looking into your eyes. It is simple to do with these glasses.

I purchased a special pair of blue mirrored prescription glasses a couple years back. People in generally treat me friendlier when I wear them. They will smile at me. Even strangers will come up to me and ask for advise.


I would love to do that. But I work in an office. :lol: Otherwise, good advice I think. You're on to something. My general policy is spend as little time around others as possible. Or say as little around others as possible. Also, "Now" is always a good time to leave the room. These are little things one learns along the way.


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19 Jun 2020, 7:24 pm

Nadiaworld wrote:
This Asperger deal is a real Catch-22. You’re constantly overthinking every little aspect of any social interaction and when you are just being yourself it’s not well-received either so you’re left with your hands tied. I don’t think it’s a matter of being unlikable as much as conforming. Unless you fit a certain mold and talk the talk and walk the walk, people will not spend a single minute with you.

Case in point: I finally managed to hold on to a job for two years now (first time in my life), but I always feel like I’m holding on by a thread because I do feel rejected by the staff on a daily basis. If I remain invisible and mind my own business it’s probably perceived as weird. If I do venture out and initiate small talk, they seem put off and Make it very obvious that my input is not welcome. Damned if I do damned if I don’t. So what’s the solution? Keep your chin up and keep doing your job as well as you can. It’s no fun but at least you have a job.


I don't initiate small talk unless encouraged. Encouragement means, someone talks to you first. Let others be the initiator, eventually they will do it because they have to. NT's have ants in their pants, they always have to reach out and chat with someone. Also, they get curious. They will eventually come around to doing it even if they don't like you.

Key is to match the length and gist of what they say. If they say, "Nice day outside," you can go even briefer: "Sure is." That's one word less, even. Also, don't change the subject on them. Just keep it simple. Same subject. Use similar tone of voice too. I even go so far as to mimic the accent of people in the area.

If you go up and initiate chat with someone, that is risky, too risky in my opinion unless they have given prior encouragement. Best to assume that people are not so nice--then be surprised if they are.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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19 Jun 2020, 7:35 pm

Not enough information to answer the question

Meetup.com



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19 Jun 2020, 8:33 pm

Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Nadiaworld wrote:
This Asperger deal is a real Catch-22. You’re constantly overthinking every little aspect of any social interaction and when you are just being yourself it’s not well-received either so you’re left with your hands tied. I don’t think it’s a matter of being unlikable as much as conforming. Unless you fit a certain mold and talk the talk and walk the walk, people will not spend a single minute with you.

Case in point: I finally managed to hold on to a job for two years now (first time in my life), but I always feel like I’m holding on by a thread because I do feel rejected by the staff on a daily basis. If I remain invisible and mind my own business it’s probably perceived as weird. If I do venture out and initiate small talk, they seem put off and Make it very obvious that my input is not welcome. Damned if I do damned if I don’t. So what’s the solution? Keep your chin up and keep doing your job as well as you can. It’s no fun but at least you have a job.


I don't initiate small talk unless encouraged. Encouragement means, someone talks to you first. Let others be the initiator, eventually they will do it because they have to. NT's have ants in their pants, they always have to reach out and chat with someone. Also, they get curious. They will eventually come around to doing it even if they don't like you.

Key is to match the length and gist of what they say. If they say, "Nice day outside," you can go even briefer: "Sure is." That's one word less, even. Also, don't change the subject on them. Just keep it simple. Same subject. Use similar tone of voice too. I even go so far as to mimic the accent of people in the area.

If you go up and initiate chat with someone, that is risky, too risky in my opinion unless they have given prior encouragement. Best to assume that people are not so nice--then be surprised if they are.


here is an interesting thing mimicking the accents became automatic for me.
and worse , its not really under my control , i feel.


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