Figure out what things turns friends and their families off

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Summer_Twilight
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01 Jun 2020, 1:13 pm

Hi:
I was wondering how many of you finally figured out what you did to turn your friends and family members off to where they bailed plans on you or blew you off from time to time?

For me, it was with my childhood friend who I have written about before and though they were not nice, I figured out which things might have turned them and their family member off. This happened at ages 12-15.

1. I talked too much, which I am working to improve
2. I kept having my friend ask her mom if we could do such-and-such whenever we had plans for me to sleep over
A. One time I would have a sleepover in the fall which was up in the Northern US.
-I had her ask questions like "Can we go to Circus pizza?" "Mom, can you buy hot apple cider for us?"
- Another time, I got an idea from watching the original Parent Trap and wanted to recreate the date setting with Dinner and entertainment where her mom and dad were on a date in her home. However, that did not work out.
- I would talk about Disney things non stop.

So they bailed their plans with me a bunch of times



shortfatbalduglyman
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01 Jun 2020, 2:54 pm

Anyone could correctly tell anyone that they talk too much

Usually I find that almost everyone else talks too much and too loud and there are too many of them

Not only that, but they act like every thought and emotion that goes through their head is the latest greatest scientific invention

When I make the mistake of saying the slightest thing they have the nerve to grunt "huh" and "what" like it's the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me"

They don't think that they talk too much

Then they act like I am curt

They are bothering me.



Summer_Twilight
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02 Jun 2020, 12:59 pm

I really don't want to focus too much attention on the fact that people are jerks, but to be fair, my childhood friend and her family were not very nice.

What I want to focus on what we could have done to turn other people off that we may not have been aware of that turned people off.

When I was 12, I was into the classic Parent Trap and wanted to create the same scene where my friend entertain her parents with a dinner show at their house where she served them and sang songs. However, I never communicated with them where I came up with the idea.



MyNameisNic
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02 Jun 2020, 3:12 pm

I was bullied ever since I can remember. In third grade I invited my entire class to my birthday party and no one showed up, not one person. I cried and cried. It helped me to build a friendship with a new kid the next year who was also bullied. No one went to his birthday party except me and one other person... he had also invited the whole class. Now we are both still casual acquaintances through social media and occasionally talk. That's pretty much my relationship with everyone. I have no real close friends. I thought I did but I guess when I don't understand a touchy situation, unintentionally say something offensive, get way too excited and flap and jump in public, or have meltdowns in public, it scared them all away. I am asked for my opinion and then shunned when it doesn't conform to what they want me to say. Even my sister stopped talking to me when she asked me what she should do about her husband (who is abusive and on drugs). I told her that she needed to think of her children and leave. She stopped talking to me until he finally took things too far and she had to file for a restraining order. I still don't understand why she was upset with me.

Most recently (last week) I used information I had acquired and made a logical decision to not agree with a "friend's" opinion on a topic. I just can't blindly agree to something to make people happy, I never could. I tried to be respectful and asked for reasons for her opinion. I wanted to understand her point of view so that I could support her. That was a bad idea. It was a touchy subject for her and she refuses to speak with me and even had her wife tell me to not contact her. I have people I can talk to but I don't trust anyone because of fear of abandonment if I let down my guard or don't mask in a way that is how they wish for me to behave in a situation.

I don't know when or why I upset my family and friends. It always catches me off guard.


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Summer_Twilight
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02 Jun 2020, 5:27 pm

MyNameisNic wrote:
I was bullied ever since I can remember. In third grade I invited my entire class to my birthday party and no one showed up, not one person. I cried and cried. It helped me to build a friendship with a new kid the next year who was also bullied. No one went to his birthday party except me and one other person... he had also invited the whole class. Now we are both still casual acquaintances through social media and occasionally talk. That's pretty much my relationship with everyone. I have no real close friends. I thought I did but I guess when I don't understand a touchy situation, unintentionally say something offensive, get way too excited and flap and jump in public, or have meltdowns in public, it scared them all away. I am asked for my opinion and then shunned when it doesn't conform to what they want me to say. Even my sister stopped talking to me when she asked me what she should do about her husband (who is abusive and on drugs). I told her that she needed to think of her children and leave. She stopped talking to me until he finally took things too far and she had to file for a restraining order. I still don't understand why she was upset with me.

Most recently (last week) I used information I had acquired and made a logical decision to not agree with a "friend's" opinion on a topic. I just can't blindly agree to something to make people happy, I never could. I tried to be respectful and asked for reasons for her opinion. I wanted to understand her point of view so that I could support her. That was a bad idea. It was a touchy subject for her and she refuses to speak with me and even had her wife tell me to not contact her. I have people I can talk to but I don't trust anyone because of fear of abandonment if I let down my guard or don't mask in a way that is how they wish for me to behave in a situation.

I don't know when or why I upset my family and friends. It always catches me off guard.


About 10 years ago, I had a housewarming party and invited many people, including everyone at work (small business) but no one from work came or acknowledged me celebration. Yet, they were there for each other. Speaking of which, I was told later on that I was very sharp.

The owner of the company, who has an autistic son, invited all the women out for lunch and some other things but me and it hurt.

However, they felt that I was arrogant based on things I did and said but instead of pulling me to the side, they were passive-aggressive. Instead, they would put me down, and if they saw me crying it was "I was just kidding."

I had a couple of friends who invited me over a few times and I thought everything was fine and then the next, I was not invited over anymore. Instead, they would talk about having get-togethers and who was invited in front of me. It turns out they didn't like it that I talked too much.

Your situation sounds like one a had with a woman who I barely knew

About 4 years ago, I tagged along with an acquaintance and his roommate and her daughter who was 6 to and from a meetup group. On the way home, the driver and his roommate were correcting the little girl. So I jumped in and started correcting her little girl too. I now know that's a big no-no. Anyway, this woman got mad and was nasty to me on the ride home and didn't think twice about blocking me on social media.

Some things that are turn-offs
1. Talking about politics
2. Religion
3. Political correctness is big - Lots of people make you walk on eggshells



CocoaCoffee
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02 Jun 2020, 6:29 pm

I always got told I am selfish.
And recently i got told I am selfish and narcissistic by my best friend.
So I am trying to change this. Only thing is that I don't want to be fake and act like I am interested in others when I am not, so maybe ill just accept that I am selfish.

I also think I am avoided because I am cold and don't talk much. But it doesn't really bother me because I already have a couple of really good friends and I am not interested in having more.
What I am happy about is that the friends I make are people that appreciate honesty and like me for being like this, so I don't need to be fake.
I guess it is a cultural thing but I think people like my honesty here where I live, unlike from what I read from aspies from other countries.

I had a really hard time making friends when I was little but I don't really remember why, I was really weird and disconected from the social norms so thats probably the reason. But luckily there wasn't any bullying, I never got across any blatant bullying in neither school or highschool so I guess I was lucky, they would make fun of me in highschool but I had a superiority complex which I used to cope with that.



Summer_Twilight
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03 Jun 2020, 8:49 am

@MynameisNic, I also wanted to put it out there why you probably got rejected. There are lots of people who are controlling and have certain expectations of you. If they find out you are too independent of what they want you, they want nothing to do with you.


However, I am talking about self-awareness issues that turn we do which can turn a person off.

1. I had a problem stating the obvious with people
2. Learning not to open up and tell people what I am doing since they didn't volunteer their time to ask
3. Stepping over boundaries of other people when they did not ask me
4. Not exchanging numbers or inviting people for coffee



Jakki
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03 Jun 2020, 9:05 am

MyNameisNic wrote:
I was bullied ever since I can remember. In third grade I invited my entire class to my birthday party and no one showed up, not one person. I cried and cried. It helped me to build a friendship with a new kid the next year who was also bullied. No one went to his birthday party except me and one other person... he had also invited the whole class. Now we are both still casual acquaintances through social media and occasionally talk. That's pretty much my relationship with everyone. I have no real close friends. I thought I did but I guess when I don't understand a touchy situation, unintentionally say something offensive, get way too excited and flap and jump in public, or have meltdowns in public, it scared them all away. I am asked for my opinion and then shunned when it doesn't conform to what they want me to say. Even my sister stopped talking to me when she asked me what she should do about her husband (who is abusive and on drugs). I told her that she needed to think of her children and leave. She stopped talking to me until he finally took things too far and she had to file for a restraining order. I still don't understand why she was upset with me.

Most recently (last week) I used information I had acquired and made a logical decision to not agree with a "friend's" opinion on a topic. I just can't blindly agree to something to make people happy, I never could. I tried to be respectful and asked for reasons for her opinion. I wanted to understand her point of view so that I could support her. That was a bad idea. It was a touchy subject for her and she refuses to speak with me and even had her wife tell me to not contact her. I have people I can talk to but I don't trust anyone because of fear of abandonment if I let down my guard or don't mask in a way that is how they wish for me to behave in a situation.

I don't know when or why I upset my family and friends. It always catches me off guard.


This sounds painfully familiar .


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Summer_Twilight
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03 Jun 2020, 2:22 pm

I am not saying that rejection is not painful because it is because, believe me; it was when my childhood friend and some other people rejected me because I did things they found to be annoying. I would cry every or get very upset every time this friend and her family members bailed their plans with excuses and not follow through by being manipulative. I also think they should have been upfront about they didn't want me around.

Anyway,

When I was younger, I had a crush on another man on the spectrum who I was not compatible with for various reasons. One of those is that I talk quick, and he talks very slow. It frustrated him about not being able to communicate effectively. Not only that, but I also have issues with hyperactivity which would overload him 90% of the time.

None-the-less, he was not very nice most of the time himself and it didn't take very much for him to be irritated. He was very passive-aggressive and did not have the social skills to let me know what I was doing wrong. If he tried, it5 would come out awkward and I would be upset.