Neighbor wants to be friends but I fear they have lied to me

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Dan_the_man
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07 Aug 2020, 10:27 am

Two years ago I was about to purchase a run down house with cash. The house was overlooked by around 10 windows from neighboring properties at the back, it had stones at the back with no trees and was surrounded by a concrete jungle.

Fearing I had paid too much for the property I decided to ask another young independent estate agent for their view on the property. To my surprise they revealed that they had bid on it on behalf of their friend who wanted to buy a house on the street but had pulled out when it went over their friends budget. The friend was not a cash buyer like me but needed a mortgage. They said I was paying too much for my house but to ask for a reduction on the price after I had the survey done on it.

A week before I completed on the house a better house came up on the same street. This better house was being sold through the same estate agency as the house I was about to buy.

This better house was completely private with no windows overlooking it and was surrounded by beautiful greenery at the back. The house had a tree in front of it.

From looking at the photos online of the house I liked it but then I got scared because it would mean I would have to have pulled out of my current house purchase and this would upset the estate agent. I decided to focus on the tree in front of it as an excuse not to view the better house. In my mind I said to myself I can make the back garden just as good as the better house and I would not have to put up with a tree in front of it which I feared would block the light.

I decided to return to the independent estate agent for advice on getting a reduction on my current property. I was shocked when he said it was a much better property and said I could have lived in it straight away where as the other one needed work done to it. I told him I had not viewed the property yet. He told me not to bother viewing it in person as I had already seen mine and they were only 3 houses apart on the same street. He told me I was in a tricky position because both houses were being sold by the same estate agent and that if I pulled out of my house the estate agent might refuse to sell me the other house and I would end up with no houses. He then told me to buy my one and ask for a small reduction to match what the surveyor had valued it at. (At the time did I not realise he might have a conflict of interest as his friend also wanted a house on the same street and I would have always won the house as I was a cash buyer and the friend was not).

A few months later the better house sold. A young person had moved in and approached my mother who was visiting me. He introduced himself and then I got speaking with him. I asked could I view his house and he agreed to show me around. When I saw it my heart sank, I knew I could never achieve the total privacy he had and he told me he loved the tree at the front as it gave him total privacy.

I have a sneaking suspicion that this young man was the estate agents friend. One day I had asked him if he had viewed my property and he said he had not. There are things he said and actions he has done which make me believe he was the estate agents friend. I have been thinking of ways to prove for almost certain he is the estate agents friend and I have come up with a cunning plan.

The estate agent who tricked me is near both of our houses and when we have been out for coffee he has sometimes looked over at the agents office from across the street with a nervous look. I was thinking of going out with coffee with him and just abruptly going into the estate agents office. I would then mention that I needed to speak to the agent to get advice on my renovation plans. I could then study my neighbours nervousness.

I guess it all boils down to if I do have confirmed suspicions that my neighbour lied to me should I just cut all ties with him out of principle as he can no longer be trusted?



kraftiekortie
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08 Aug 2020, 6:30 pm

I really can’t comment on this...because I don’t know you at all. And I’m not totally privy to the entirety of your situation.

Do you like where you live now—but wish it was better?

Or do you really dislike where you live?



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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10 Aug 2020, 9:37 pm

It’s sounds like the estate agent was the one who had a conflict of interest and did something unethical.

Regarding the neighbor who’s the potential friend, any way you might be able to do a zen turnaround and be bemused by it? And when it feels right, maybe just oh so casually say, I think you’re _____’s friend, aren’t you?, and it’s all good. Or words to that effect.



funeralxempire
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11 Aug 2020, 1:47 am

The neighbour did nothing to you and ultimately the agent isn't your friend so he's entitled to help his friend more than just any random schmuck. There's no sense in being bitter or resentful against the neighbour though and who knows, maybe integrating yourself with them will have benefits.

Being bitter and resentful towards the neighbour won't make anything any better for you, will it?



Dan_the_man
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12 Aug 2020, 3:24 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I really can’t comment on this...because I don’t know you at all. And I’m not totally privy to the entirety of your situation.

Do you like where you live now—but wish it was better?

Or do you really dislike where you live?


I like where I live. I can make the house fantastic and fix most of the garden issues but I will have to spend big money and the house will end up too big for me.

The only way it would pay for itself is if I get a paying lodger in or rent one of the rooms out as an Airbnb. The issue is my lack of social skills for both of those options.



Dan_the_man
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12 Aug 2020, 3:29 am

funeralxempire wrote:
The neighbour did nothing to you and ultimately the agent isn't your friend so he's entitled to help his friend more than just any random schmuck. There's no sense in being bitter or resentful against the neighbour though and who knows, maybe integrating yourself with them will have benefits.

Being bitter and resentful towards the neighbour won't make anything any better for you, will it?


I guess what is annoying me is I fear the neighbor is being dishonest with me. I remember asking him if he had viewed my property and he replied that he had not viewed it.

I do not like dishonest people. I want to out the neighbor but the only way I can be almost certain they are linked is if I bring the neighbor to the estate agent and see if he acts awkwardly when I ask if this was the agents friend who bid on the other house.

My plan to bring them both together almost worked but the agent has moved to a different office a few miles away and only occasionally visits the one beside our street.



kraftiekortie
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12 Aug 2020, 3:34 am

I would concentrate on the future if I were you.

People tend to let the past haunt them too much.



funeralxempire
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12 Aug 2020, 12:35 pm

Dan_the_man wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
The neighbour did nothing to you and ultimately the agent isn't your friend so he's entitled to help his friend more than just any random schmuck. There's no sense in being bitter or resentful against the neighbour though and who knows, maybe integrating yourself with them will have benefits.

Being bitter and resentful towards the neighbour won't make anything any better for you, will it?


I guess what is annoying me is I fear the neighbor is being dishonest with me. I remember asking him if he had viewed my property and he replied that he had not viewed it.

I do not like dishonest people. I want to out the neighbor but the only way I can be almost certain they are linked is if I bring the neighbor to the estate agent and see if he acts awkwardly when I ask if this was the agents friend who bid on the other house.

My plan to bring them both together almost worked but the agent has moved to a different office a few miles away and only occasionally visits the one beside our street.


He doesn't owe you the truth in this situation. He owes his friend the favour of not snitching.

You're fixated on discovering a truth that you're not entitled to. Move on with your life.



Dan_the_man
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13 Aug 2020, 4:36 am

funeralxempire wrote:

He doesn't owe you the truth in this situation. He owes his friend the favour of not snitching.

You're fixated on discovering a truth that you're not entitled to. Move on with your life.


Would your advice part of moving on be to stop being friendly with the neighbor? Let him wonder why I have stopped speaking with him.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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14 Aug 2020, 9:23 am

Dan_the_man wrote:

Would your advice part of moving on be to stop being friendly with the neighbor? Let him wonder why I have stopped speaking with him.

Plus, I’d recommend low-key-ing it. Plead being busy when the guy wants to talk. Perhaps returning a greeting, but literally keep walking.



funeralxempire
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15 Aug 2020, 1:24 am

Dan_the_man wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:

He doesn't owe you the truth in this situation. He owes his friend the favour of not snitching.

You're fixated on discovering a truth that you're not entitled to. Move on with your life.


Would your advice part of moving on be to stop being friendly with the neighbor? Let him wonder why I have stopped speaking with him.


No, being passive-aggressive towards the neighbour is not moving on. Continuing to be friendly and civil and not dwelling on this matter would be moving on.

I disagree with the previous poster's take. That's not moving on, that's acting like a child.



cyberdad
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15 Aug 2020, 1:32 am

You talk to your neighbours? that's your first mistake, even NTs don't trust their neighbours...



Dan_the_man
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25 Aug 2020, 5:16 am

funeralxempire wrote:
Dan_the_man wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:

He doesn't owe you the truth in this situation. He owes his friend the favour of not snitching.

You're fixated on discovering a truth that you're not entitled to. Move on with your life.


Would your advice part of moving on be to stop being friendly with the neighbor? Let him wonder why I have stopped speaking with him.


No, being passive-aggressive towards the neighbour is not moving on. Continuing to be friendly and civil and not dwelling on this matter would be moving on.

I disagree with the previous poster's take. That's not moving on, that's acting like a child.


I had probably one of the worse nightmares of my life the other night relating to the whole situation.

He is really wanting to be my friends, constantly asking to go out for lunch. I just feel so sh***y and he reminds me of the house and what I missed out. I am now not living in my house and living with parents because my house is in such a bad condition.

I guess I have to please him and be friends with him and just move on but it sucks so hard.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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26 Aug 2020, 1:46 am

Dan_the_man wrote:
He is really wanting to be my friends, constantly asking to go out for lunch.

Normally, I’d guess sex, religion, or money:

1) The guy is gay and wants a relationship with you, or
2) He’s a Christian who wants to witness to you (or other faith), or
3) He’s involved in an MLM organization such as Amway and wants to recruit you (MLM = Multi-Level Marketing),

To these, I’d add two other possibilities.

4) He feels guilty about the situation and is over-compensating, or
5) He’s aspie, and detects a kindred spirit.

You’re not required to be friends with the guy. And a complex explanation is likely to make the situation worse, not better. And you don’t owe him an explanation.

I don’t intend “being busy” as some passive-aggressive something. To me, it’s just among the more straightforward ways.



Dan_the_man
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26 Aug 2020, 8:58 am

AardvarkGoodSwimmer wrote:
Dan_the_man wrote:
He is really wanting to be my friends, constantly asking to go out for lunch.

Normally, I’d guess sex, religion, or money:

1) The guy is gay and wants a relationship with you, or
2) He’s a Christian who wants to witness to you (or other faith), or
3) He’s involved in an MLM organization such as Amway and wants to recruit you (MLM = Multi-Level Marketing),

To these, I’d add two other possibilities.

4) He feels guilty about the situation and is over-compensating, or
5) He’s aspie, and detects a kindred spirit.

You’re not required to be friends with the guy. And a complex explanation is likely to make the situation worse, not better. And you don’t owe him an explanation.

I don’t intend “being busy” as some passive-aggressive something. To me, it’s just among the more straightforward ways.


Its definitely 4) He feels guilty about the situation and is over-compensating. Hes neither gay or christen. Everyone says hes not at fault but if he did not exist I would not have had the bad advise in the first place.

I guess its also my own fault for not viewing the better property and wrongly focusing on the tree in front of the better house.

I am wondering should I just tell him I have been diagnosed with PSTD over not getting his house and say that I was advised to stop speaking to him as it reminds me of the event and would help cure my PSTD?



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26 Aug 2020, 10:43 pm

It sounds like you’re very much leaning in the direction of not being friends with the guy. Which is a perfectly reasonable choice for you or any other human being.

You don’t owe him an explanation.

I’d recommend being slightly cordial and keep walking. Even if you’re just taking a walk in the evening, you want to get your distance in, keep your heart rate elevated, that kind of approach and attitude.

If you tell him about being diagnosed with PTSD, I think it potentially makes you vulnerable, and I mean emotionally and socially. If he really pushes (which is not likely), maybe just say, ‘I don’t think we’re particularly compatible.’ And if it really feels right, maybe add, ‘And I don’t think you were 100% honest about the house.’ But it might be better not to say this last part because, again, it does kind of make you vulnerable.

Other people here have had different life experiences and may give other advice.

I’ve had big regrets, more so about jobs and schooling.