Truths about socializing that no one tells you

Page 3 of 4 [ 63 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Summer_Twilight
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,860

19 Aug 2020, 2:56 pm

Part of socializing comes with unwritten rules

1. In cliques
- these are people who have something in common - like an interest in eating healthy, known each other for a long time

2. Nuances
-Parties, where drinking is the theme, does not imply that you get drunk and nor does getting imply that heavy drinkers will accept you. (I learned this one the hard way at 21).
- Don't start talking about yourself if someone does not ask
- I have read that when meeting people, wear something fun or bring a prop that will stand out
- If you go to a party, offer to help with chores



KT67
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,978

21 Aug 2020, 4:50 am

A lot of it depends on the kind of autism you have, as most of these 'truths' aren't 100% true amongst all NTs.

If you have the kind of autism where you struggle at social stuff but have a strong desire for socialising, I feel bad for you. And adhering to the rules is good idea.

If you have the kind of autism I have, where you kind of struggle socially but enjoy your own company & only benefit from having a few friends - too many being detrimental -

Seek out friends with common values who don't do stuff like gossip or value charisma over values.

Learn to put up boundaries.

Seek out the company of other autistic people or of more intelligent and introverted NTs. You probably won't get on with extroverted types and that's ok.

One thing I'm learning cos of my social anxiety which led me to think ppl were gossiping all the time & laughing at others all the time is, most people only care about their own little world. Being NT that isn't exclusively themselves, but strangers and random acquaintances are probably talking about people closer to themselves than you are.

Villages are awful for gossip. Most people in cities have seen it all, including autistic people's personality traits, and become accustomed to/tolerant of more things.

Oh and if you're a teen at school, it probably is like a village and there's not much you can do except learn to mask or wait it out. Secondary school NT kids are awful in general.



League_Girl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 25,467
Location: Pacific Northwest

23 Aug 2020, 3:11 pm

Quote:
2.) Gossip isn't necessarily malicious. It hurts like Hell to know that others are talking s**t about you. The fact of the matter is that even though it's sh***y behavior, it's also near ubiquitous behavior. I don't approve of it, but people mocking something stupid you did the other day doesn't necessarily automatically mean that they hate you; it means that people like to gossip and they likely don't think that what they're saying will get back to you. It's thoughtless, petty behavior, but bear in mind that it's frequently behavior borne out of indifference and carelessness rather than intentional malice.


I was told on Reddit gossiping was something humans do as a way to relate to each other.

My mom who is NT has always hated gossip and would call anyone out on it at work and stuff. She would tell them if they had ever talked to that person about it yet and they would go no so my mom would tell them they had no right to talk about them like that unless they go talk to them first.

And my mom wondered why she never really had any friends or was able to keep them. She does have friends but she never made a lot of them. Now I know what her problem was. :P


_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.


Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 19,057
Location: Maidstone, UK

23 Aug 2020, 7:27 pm

Be a self-centred whiny little b***h with a big mouth and sloppy attitude. Everybody just falls at your feet.
If you're friendly, meek, placid, empathetic, helpful, thoughtful, trusting, funny and kind, nobody will like you unless they are very nice people that aren't shallow or aren't NTs themselves.

Maybe what I just said isn't to be taken literally but it sure is the case in my experience. I can be everything that that the textbook defines as "friend" but still get rejected or overlooked, and people run after the latter.

It's like a person falling off a cliff and there are two people trying to save them, one wearing green and one wearing blue - the one in the green being me who can quickly pull them up to safety; the other in the blue being a few yards away looking like they're about to fall themselves, and the person in danger risks their life by shifting across the dangerous cliff over to the other person just because they prefer the colour blue.


_________________
Female
Aged 30
On antidepressants
Diagnosed with AS, ADHD and anxiety disorder
Empathy score: 61 out of a possible 80. (High)


Whale_Tuune
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Apr 2018
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Posts: 521
Location: Narnia

23 Aug 2020, 8:44 pm

And I don't get it. Most people I think genuinely say and believe that they like nice people. So what gives? What awful vibe do we send out that makes others hate us so much?


_________________
AQ: 36 (last I checked :p)


blooiejagwa
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 19 Dec 2017
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,793

23 Aug 2020, 8:52 pm

None its the way theyve been brought up the structures that dont accommodate us or others in even less communicative positions/abilities..
that they dont see a way around .
Don't understand. Confusion/'othering'...

Things are prioritized that are not our strengths.

A value system in which awkward ppl or 'nerds' are ostracized in tv shows movies and surely over time seen the attitude in their own families...no demonstration of inclusion and nornalizing différent types of people..


I saw little kids of his age get on fine with disabled child accepting that he wanted to run around n still included him ...then teacher said sorry no more.
Parents of these kids will ask why hes here (at his school they DO NOT TAKE DISAbLED kids for RECESS) n it stopped.
For 2 years kids wd say his name in hallways n greet him etc.
He got cards from them occasionally with gifts like candy hearts

Afterwards..noticed kids didnt greet him. They would even talk about him before in the hallways- i heard them- eg 'i saw his brother today' i mean he was really liked like a normal kid before..

An arbitrary wall is created in this and other ways and it goes from there.


_________________
Take defeat as an urge to greater effort.
-Napoleon Hill


idntonkw
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 29 Apr 2020
Age: 34
Posts: 346
Location: Boston

23 Aug 2020, 10:20 pm

Whale_Tuune wrote:
And I don't get it. Most people I think genuinely say and believe that they like nice people. So what gives? What awful vibe do we send out that makes others hate us so much?


Turns out I am rude. I get blocked on forums. Send weird annoying messages despite my better judgement (impulse). I finally made two friends, eventually they said that I am a big jerk, rude, that I am the reason I don't have any friends.. my sister says I am rude and that she thinks my family does not punish me for it.. says I have to take responsibility for my own behavior?.. other people are just not interested in me.. multiples people said I am strange, very strange, weird, that I weird them out, that I am awkward.. so trying to make new friends is dangerous, because after the initial stage, it always ends this way.. even my best friend who has AS permanently blocked me because I annoyed and angered him with messages..

When tell me that I am rude or a jerk, I conclude they are not being serious and exaggerating.. but turns out they were very serious!! Regardless, I think I have very limited (but existent) understanding of how other people think and feel in reaction to things.



Whale_Tuune
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Apr 2018
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Posts: 521
Location: Narnia

24 Aug 2020, 8:42 am

@blooiejagawa: the special education system (and mental health system) is certainly a factor in our "otherness". While I appreciate the intentions of both systems and think that they could do a lot of good if they had proper ethical guidelines and truly put people with disabilities first (they don't) as of right now I can't vouch for either being systems we can fully put our faith in.

@idntonkw: I too have, in the past, said very weird/hurtful things. I like to think I'm continually getting better at toning it down, but you can't do much about it. You don't know what's inappropriate until you offend someone, and by then the damage is done it seems. Is there anything that can be done for us in this regard? I can't really think of much, unfortuately. :cry:


_________________
AQ: 36 (last I checked :p)


blooiejagwa
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 19 Dec 2017
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,793

24 Aug 2020, 8:52 am

The thing is they also say and do hurtful things and often intentionally (malice) which have more far-reaching effects


_________________
Take defeat as an urge to greater effort.
-Napoleon Hill


Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 45,646
Location: Stendec

24 Aug 2020, 8:57 am

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Great minds discuss ideas.  Average minds discuss events.  Petty minds discuss other people. 
Something like that.
Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
... although I think she was mis-quoting Socrates...
Socrates wrote:
Strong minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Weak minds discuss people.


_________________
*TRE45ON!!*
Lock Him Up!

(Claiming moral equivalency between one's own
immoral acts and those of another is a null defense.)


Whale_Tuune
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Apr 2018
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Posts: 521
Location: Narnia

24 Aug 2020, 9:03 am

As a whole. Plenty of intelligent people get caught up in gossip and petty things.


_________________
AQ: 36 (last I checked :p)


Whale_Tuune
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Apr 2018
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Posts: 521
Location: Narnia

24 Aug 2020, 9:05 am

blooiejagwa wrote:
The thing is they also say and do hurtful things and often intentionally (malice) which have more far-reaching effects


I also believe this. I think the existence of these systems is well-intentioned, but it's been hijacked by people who enjoy having power over others and beating them down. (Psychiatry is the worst offender here. Special ed becomes problematic when everything the child does is seen through the lens of dysfunction, strongly impacting their self-perception.)


_________________
AQ: 36 (last I checked :p)


Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 45,646
Location: Stendec

24 Aug 2020, 9:38 am

Whale_Tuune wrote:
blooiejagwa wrote:
The thing is they also say and do hurtful things and often intentionally (malice) which have more far-reaching effects
I also believe this. I think the existence of these systems is well-intentioned, but it's been hijacked by people who enjoy having power over others and beating them down. (Psychiatry is the worst offender here. Special ed becomes problematic when everything the child does is seen through the lens of dysfunction, strongly impacting their self-perception.)
It seems that just about any profession that is supposed to be all about empowering others eventually becomes tainted with people seeking only to empower themselves: Advocacy (Legal/Social), Education, Employment, Government, Housing, Justice, Politics, Psychiatry, Rehab, Religion, Social Work ... et cetera.

Come to think of it, those are all professions requiring a HASS degree.


_________________
*TRE45ON!!*
Lock Him Up!

(Claiming moral equivalency between one's own
immoral acts and those of another is a null defense.)


Jayo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jan 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 931

24 Aug 2020, 6:41 pm

Fnord wrote:
Whale_Tuune wrote:
blooiejagwa wrote:
The thing is they also say and do hurtful things and often intentionally (malice) which have more far-reaching effects
I also believe this. I think the existence of these systems is well-intentioned, but it's been hijacked by people who enjoy having power over others and beating them down. (Psychiatry is the worst offender here. Special ed becomes problematic when everything the child does is seen through the lens of dysfunction, strongly impacting their self-perception.)
It seems that just about any profession that is supposed to be all about empowering others eventually becomes tainted with people seeking only to empower themselves: Advocacy (Legal/Social), Education, Employment, Government, Housing, Justice, Politics, Psychiatry, Rehab, Religion, Social Work ... et cetera.

Come to think of it, those are all professions requiring a HASS degree.


Yeah, true that!! Which is why I'm glad that my post-secondary and career have been CS/IT, right in my element :)
And minimal issues with other folks, no seething resentment of hypocrisy or trying to unravel dual motives etc.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 45,646
Location: Stendec

24 Aug 2020, 7:25 pm

Jayo wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Whale_Tuune wrote:
blooiejagwa wrote:
The thing is they also say and do hurtful things and often intentionally (malice) which have more far-reaching effects
I also believe this. I think the existence of these systems is well-intentioned, but it's been hijacked by people who enjoy having power over others and beating them down. (Psychiatry is the worst offender here. Special ed becomes problematic when everything the child does is seen through the lens of dysfunction, strongly impacting their self-perception.)
It seems that just about any profession that is supposed to be all about empowering others eventually becomes tainted with people seeking only to empower themselves: Advocacy (Legal/Social), Education, Employment, Government, Housing, Justice, Politics, Psychiatry, Rehab, Religion, Social Work ... et cetera.  Come to think of it, those are all professions requiring a HASS degree.
Yeah, true that!!  Which is why I'm glad that my post-secondary and career have been CS/IT, right in my element.  And minimal issues with other folks, no seething resentment of hypocrisy or trying to unravel dual motives etc.
I have to admit that I took STEM courses because I wanted to empower myself -- but that was my intent from the start, and it still is.  No resentment from others for any dual motives or pretense of "helping the world" on my part, only to show my "true colors" later.  People do resent me, however, but not for those things.


_________________
*TRE45ON!!*
Lock Him Up!

(Claiming moral equivalency between one's own
immoral acts and those of another is a null defense.)


blooiejagwa
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 19 Dec 2017
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,793

25 Aug 2020, 9:58 am

Whale_Tuune wrote:
blooiejagwa wrote:
The thing is they also say and do hurtful things and often intentionally (malice) which have more far-reaching effects


I also believe this. I think the existence of these systems is well-intentioned, but it's been hijacked by people who enjoy having power over others and beating them down. (Psychiatry is the worst offender here. Special ed becomes problematic when everything the child does is seen through the lens of dysfunction, strongly impacting their self-perception.)


My statement was about non autistic people (that you had initially referred to )who you specifically found to bully or be mean to you ..
To put into perspective
As u seem to be ragging on yourself for 'offending' and the other person too mentioned being 'rude'


Not anything else. I guess mine was the tangent as u had progressed to talk about systems.

No idea what the subsequent messages are referring to but just making it clear.


_________________
Take defeat as an urge to greater effort.
-Napoleon Hill