"Mate crime" or fake friend victimization

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Joined: 31 Jan 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 931

16 Aug 2020, 9:54 am

So I came across an article from the UK called "mate crime", in which young ASD/HFA people (teens or young adults) have reported a shockingly high incidence of this "mate crime" or victimization by those they thought were their friends.

It reveals an unfortunate microcosm of the human condition, that those who are held in higher regard by others or higher on "the social hierarchy", tend to be more manipulative and so their victim class will be more marginal types. IN a similar vein where serial killers (with a dual life of a charismatic person) target prostitutes, or gang leaders seduce poor kids, or clergy prey on kids with a lost direction in life looking for meaning (ok, that last one isn't so marginal, but naivete) - we too tend to be victims of popular kids who might just want to use us insidiously for some perverse need and then figuratively dump us on the side of the road :evil:

Because they know instinctively that they're unlikely to be held to account by some higher authority, or due to institutional bias the higher authority will favour them (especially over the word of someone who's deemed as "mentally ill" or "emotionally not all there"). :evil:

So, it's small wonder why we were deterred from socialization as young adults - many of us made a quite rational evaluation that the risk outweighed the rewards, since even pre-diagnosis (like myself) we had enough self-awareness to realize that we lacked the emotional-intuitive faculties that were more developed in our peers. So avoidance was more of a harm prevention mechanism.

This is why I was pissed off back in the 80s and 90s when my naive mother told me that I should just go out and make friends without my cynical attitude, because otherwise they could "smell it on me" that I'm a victim and treat me as such. But even pre-diagnosis in 2001 later in my 20s, I had enough street sense to know that if I acted too oblivious & carefree and less guarded/cynical (and based on my lack of social experience due to ongoing exclusion), I'd too become a victim. 8O

While some rationalizing a-holes might think of these ASD/HFA victims "well they were asking for it" or "they should have clued in that it was too good to be true", I disagree. It's a near-universal part of the human condition that we desire contact, friendship and validation, and when we go somewhat delirious from lack of it...we're bound to drop our guard, as it were, much like the desert traveler who sees the oasis mirage and drinks from a questionable well.

Fortunately, by my early 20s I'd mustered enough courage and interaction smarts based on a small circle of patient friends who saw virtues in me, that this diminished but I still had one unfortunate case of a fake friend and former housemate who was (in hindsight) a narcissist, as he'd gaslight me and shame me into thinking I was paranoid and "not all there", so I detached myself from that situation around the same time I got my diagnosis, thankfully. :)

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/c ... 83677.html


Joined: 12 Aug 2020
Gender: Male
Posts: 445

16 Aug 2020, 3:04 pm

I've had a few fake friends that used me. A couple times I knew it was happening but went along with it anyway because I felt better than being alone. One of them who knew I was aware of it asked me if I liked being used. I said yes. If you have a good self-esteem and a positive attitude, you can make something good out of it while avoiding being harmed. I felt less alone, learned more about other people, and improved my social skills in the process so it was a win-win for everyone involved. Of course, people who have a low self-esteem and are desperate enough for human connection that they'll do almost anything are more likely to have problems but if they learn how to improve their self-esteem and self-respect they can avoid those problems.


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Joined: 13 Sep 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,860

23 Aug 2020, 4:57 pm

I have had lots of friends who turned out to be fake and toxic and that's because I would jump into relationships as the other people appeared to be "Nice" and accepting of me. A lot of these friends also turned out to be narcissistic abusers. However, I have gotten better at meeting people and learning how to jump in every time someone is nice or pays attention to me. This has been true for my professionals and friendships.

I could go on and on about how and why I was abused but I don't want to spent gobs of times writing