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dorkseid
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13 Oct 2021, 8:53 pm



My ex-fiancé abused me psychologically for a little over 2 years before ending the relationship. At the time, there were many signs that something wasn't right. Stories weren't adding up. She constantly threatened to leave me to get her way on everything. After a while I was afraid to make any decisions on my own, like going places or buying things, because I was afraid of how she would react. I slowly stopped spending time with other people until I only was ever around her and her close friends, and I didn't even notice she was the cause. All the signs were there, but I did not know how to recognize them. It was enough to make me feel confused and uncomfortable, and to remember it all in hindsight; but at the time I did not know what the signs meant. Or perhaps I didn't want to. Perhaps I was too scared of ending up alone again.

After the relationship ended, I started learning about narcissists and how they behave in relationships. I learned what gaslighting is. I learned about love bombing. I realized that she had isolated me socially to cut me off from other people. I remember how she would tell me reasons why I should stop spending time with this or that person. I remember her telling me that other women say I'm ugly and gross. She always told me that people in her family hate me, but it not register at the time that I had never actually seen any signs of that. She told me some story about her cousin saying she knew me and I was a druggie. She called the police and did a background check on me. And at the time I never thought about the possibility that she was acting out of malice. I was exploited, manipulated, and abused.

For more information about relationships with narcissists and how they abuse their partners, see the following playlist:

https://www.youtube.com/c/SurvivingNarcissism/videos

Or am I just making it all up? What if none of that actually happened, and I just reinterpreted my memories of the relationship to fit a narrative? What if this is all revisionist history? Research has demonstrated how faulty and unreliable human memory is. So how can I be certain I'm actually recalling events correctly?

With the exception of psychiatrists and therapist, nobody ever takes me seriously. Every time I've tried to tell friends or family about what happened to me, they dismiss me. Are they right? Am I just trying to create a narrative after the fact to vilify my ex? Or was everything she did to hurt me real?



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14 Oct 2021, 4:57 am

One of our (autists) most problematic faults is often questioning ourselves too much. I do it all the time. I'm slowly learning to listen to and trust my inner voice.
I have had a similar experience but it lasted for 10 years and we have a child together.
Be thankful it ended when it did. We are often victims of narcissists and gaslighting is such an insidious gradual process it's easy to miss it.
I have since learned to recognize a narcissist and I stay far away from them. I do believe they can recognize us as easy targets.

PS. The narcissists aim is to appear the paragon of goodness to everyone but the victim so it's no wonder others couldn't see what was happening.


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dorkseid
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14 Oct 2021, 7:06 am

But how do explain that I never saw it at the time, and that I suddenly realized all this after the relationship ended?



kraftiekortie
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14 Oct 2021, 8:06 am

I would say the explanation is: "Love is blind."

Many times, I see things in retrospect that I don't see when the things are actually occurring in "real time."

I wouldn't put this in the category of "crazy." At the most, you were "naive."



dorkseid
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14 Oct 2021, 8:10 pm

Why does nobody take me seriously or believe me when I try to tell them about what happened?



Jakki
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14 Oct 2021, 8:50 pm

Sometimes it takes longer than others to add up the facts ... do not discount your memories ,
that is a favourite technique of those kind of people . They thrive on that ability to cause you to doubt yourself. Have been victimized by this technique over and over .For future reference should you encounter one of these types... ,Move away from the area, discontinue any interactions with them or their associates . Am NOT exaggerating this . I grew up around this and still did not learn .
Then later when it happened again later in life i just dismissed it as the other person having a faulty memory and it was not worth my time to argue the point . i was very foolish.. And did not escape the sutuation fast enough . It cost the life of my loved one and 30 years of trying to make a life for myself
with my husband . :wall:
The instant someone calls your memory into account as being faulty. You can recognize them by that action on their part. Its a dead giveaway . Be aware they may do it as something very simple at first.
Thats the scream that there is something very wrong. You need to take the intiative to protect yourself . You can not rely on others to help you out of the situation, as much as you might want to.
If you have friends that,are outside of your interactions with them. You might ? confide in them .

Take pictures to prove you are right if you want about questions . But be aware you need to get away from this person and their associates . Quickly.

There should be a website dedicated to the names of people whom behave in this manner .
No accusations , just titled, " People whom call your memory into question and you have doubts"
Listed by State Name and Location.


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Jakki
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14 Oct 2021, 9:03 pm

This still goes on to this very day in life , because i want ! to trust people . And even into older age am still dealing with this, even by older people you would not expect . Professionals , lawyers,
Evngelical christian families . And their relatives .. Some times it can take up to years for them to earn your trust . And position themselves in your life, To get the most amount of control over you .
Sometimes they will wait more than 8 years to pull this off . And wait till you are most vulnerable .
Just be observant and pay attention to what you feel ! Its okay to have friends . Just listen , if they start to question your memory thats your que especially if they are being in close situation . And believe in yourself and your own memories.


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dorkseid
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14 Oct 2021, 10:25 pm

Someone tried to pull this came crap on me recently. It was a man I knew through work and he invited me to start hanging out with him. We are both heterosexual so this was not a situation that involved anything sexual or romantic. But he did try pulling the same kind of crap: gaslighting and trying to convince me to distrust everyone but him. Fortunately, this time I was educated about these patterns of abuse and prepared. I figured out what was going on very fast and stopped hanging out with him outside of work. He no longer works where I do, so I don't have to worry about dealing with him at all anymore.

Jakki wrote:
There should be a website dedicated to the names of people whom behave in this manner .
No accusations , just titled, " People whom call your memory into question and you have doubts"
Listed by State Name and Location.


I've thought of this before as well. At first it sounds like a great idea. but it just would never work. Anyone can post the information of anyone else on such a website, and there'd be no way to determine who's legit and who isn't. Narcissists could just as easily post their victims claiming that they are the victim. And for these reasons anyone on such a website could also easily claim that they are falsely accused. The only way this could work is if it was maintained by a law enforcement agency that investigated such matters, and even in that case it will never be possible to secure a conviction on most narcissists because they are so good at hiding what they are doing from everyone that isn't a direct victim.



kraftiekortie
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14 Oct 2021, 10:28 pm

You asked if you were crazy. I said you aren’t crazy. I think I took you seriously.



dorkseid
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15 Oct 2021, 12:01 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
You asked if you were crazy. I said you aren’t crazy. I think I took you seriously.


Thank you.



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15 Oct 2021, 2:19 am

Agreed! Not Crazy.


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Jakki
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15 Oct 2021, 9:22 am

@ dorkseid .... i believe it has become so prevslent , it might be better to take a safe than sorry atitude ....


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15 Oct 2021, 1:23 pm

Definitely not crazy. You were taken advantage of by a narcissist. People don't understand what has happened to you because it has never happened to them and unless it has then its difficult to understand that people like that actually exist.



Jakki
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15 Oct 2021, 4:35 pm

babybird wrote:
Definitely not crazy. You were taken advantage of by a narcissist. People don't understand what has happened to you because it has never happened to them and unless it has then its difficult to understand that people like that actually exist.


This is definitely true ! Even most ALL Police, even their investigations units , have repeatedly appeared clueless to me , in 2 different parts of this country over 1800 miles apart.


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Jakki
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15 Oct 2021, 4:51 pm

There should be a website dedicated to the names of people whom behave in this manner .
No accusations , just titled, " People whom call your memory into question and you have doubts"
Listed by State Name and Location.

The idea of such a website is not for law enforcement but to warn people ... And regardless of
whose name is on that site . It is a simple matter . That none would ever have a reason to look at it, unless, Someone in confronted by such a individual .And all that would be necessary to trigger someone looking up people on it , Would be that the offending individual calls into question, your
( as the victims) recollections of an event or instance that you recall differently . Even then it would not be a pointing a person out to the public as a offender . , but merely to be aware of these potential actions by that persons name. Beyond that point it would be Caveat Emptor ( buyer beware) .

Not a indictment of anyone , just merely a look out list. if my name appeared on it . Why would i worry , if i never engaged in that behaviour .

Consider that some police jurisdictions . Used to publish a deadbeat dads list once a week.
i think this would be a less offensive list.

In the very least you are definitely NOT crazy.


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dorkseid
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17 Oct 2021, 1:17 pm

Jakki wrote:
There should be a website dedicated to the names of people whom behave in this manner .
No accusations , just titled, " People whom call your memory into question and you have doubts"
Listed by State Name and Location.

The idea of such a website is not for law enforcement but to warn people ... And regardless of
whose name is on that site . It is a simple matter . That none would ever have a reason to look at it, unless, Someone in confronted by such a individual .And all that would be necessary to trigger someone looking up people on it , Would be that the offending individual calls into question, your
( as the victims) recollections of an event or instance that you recall differently . Even then it would not be a pointing a person out to the public as a offender . , but merely to be aware of these potential actions by that persons name. Beyond that point it would be Caveat Emptor ( buyer beware) .

Not a indictment of anyone , just merely a look out list. if my name appeared on it . Why would i worry , if i never engaged in that behaviour .

Consider that some police jurisdictions . Used to publish a deadbeat dads list once a week.
i think this would be a less offensive list.

In the very least you are definitely NOT crazy.



Again, the problem is that anyone can accuse anyone else and add their names. The narcissists can add the names of their victims or play the victim and claim that are falsely accused. And in most situation it is nearly impossible to prove things like gaslighting.

I wish there was a way to identify every narcissist in the world. It would be hilarious to trap them all on a deserted island where they'll be forced to cooperate to survive, and watch how they can't stop backstabbing one another until it destroys them all.



Last edited by dorkseid on 17 Oct 2021, 1:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.