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dudeofthedead
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23 Sep 2008, 5:48 pm

I feel so alone... I had someone special who seemed to like me and we talked over email for several months. She was very sweet, sensitive, and understanding and I enjoyed our interaction so much that it didn't matter if she lived overseas or not. For the first time in my life I seemed to have found companionship, and she seemed as eager as I to share herself. Several weeks ago she stopped writing and I haven't heard from her since. I don't know if I was being used or she just lost interest in me or a million other thoughts that won't stop racing through my head.

I don't even know if I've been rejected or if something happened to her... All I know is that she's suddenly gone and I'm lonelier and more hopeless than any other time in my life. This hurts so bad. :cry:



lotusblossom
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23 Sep 2008, 5:57 pm

try emailing her again as she might be thinking that your not writing to her.

It can be awkward to start writing to someone again after you have stopped but its well worth getting over pride and making the first move to save a valuable relationship or friendship.

good luck :D



JohnHopkins
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23 Sep 2008, 5:58 pm

Do you have her mobile number, or her real name? You could find her elsewhere.

Alternatively, just move on and maybe she's resurface at some point later. This was only an email relationship after all. I know all too well how powerful they can get, but it is just the beginning of what could be in store for you. It's only the first step on the road of relationships.



Haliphron
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23 Sep 2008, 6:09 pm

lotusblossom wrote:
try emailing her again as she might be thinking that your not writing to her.

It can be awkward to start writing to someone again after you have stopped but its well worth getting over pride and making the first move to save a valuable relationship or friendship.

good luck :D


I second that. Send her the same message repeatedly if she doesnt respond. Its better to have an answer, EVEN IF its not one that you wanna hear so that you can have closure and move on.



dudeofthedead
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23 Sep 2008, 6:32 pm

Quote:
I second that. Send her the same message repeatedly if she doesnt respond. Its better to have an answer, EVEN IF its not one that you wanna hear so that you can have closure and move on.


I've continued to write to her since she stopped; I even let her know I would understand if she didn't want to have a relationship with me. I've tried not to seem desperate, but it probably still shows. :(

I also did find her elsewhere, but finding that out only makes me feel more hopeless because it seems she is active and has a bunch of friends. All the friends I've ever made have eventually gone away from me and I never know why. Will my attempts to find romance end in the same way? My life started feeling worthwhile again when she found me, and now the future looks so bleak and unbearable.

Sorry for sounding like this, and thanks to you who have replied. I just don't know how to deal with not understanding what happened.



donkey
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23 Sep 2008, 7:52 pm

when we are young'ish we tend to attach ourselves to others and seek or find validation through them.
initially through our parents then ourselves and then others.

most AS skip from the parents to others phase withotu considering themselves.

As tend to latch on to and validate themselves through a relationship.
they have validation but it isnt a self validating relationship it is vicarious and through a relationship with another.

all their happinees stems from that of another.

while this is a potentially nice situation, it is more than a little risky.

when you are happy within yourself, your not as dependant on others for your personal happiness. ( you have self validation)

when your happiness depends on the whims of another?
this can look and appear as desperation.

not dissing you man just letting you see my point.

when you know yourself and are self validating, the relationships come.

parents , self, lover.
in that order.


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TheMidnightJudge
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23 Sep 2008, 7:52 pm

I've known internet relationships to fail out of confusion. My brother had a friend he emailed but he switched emails and forgot his original password.



suebear
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23 Sep 2008, 9:11 pm

dudeofthedead wrote:
I feel so alone... I had someone special who seemed to like me and we talked over email for several months. She was very sweet, sensitive, and understanding and I enjoyed our interaction so much that it didn't matter if she lived overseas or not. For the first time in my life I seemed to have found companionship, and she seemed as eager as I to share herself. Several weeks ago she stopped writing and I haven't heard from her since. I don't know if I was being used or she just lost interest in me or a million other thoughts that won't stop racing through my head.

I don't even know if I've been rejected or if something happened to her... All I know is that she's suddenly gone and I'm lonelier and more hopeless than any other time in my life. This hurts so bad. :cry:



Awww. Maybe she went back to school or perhaps her schedule changed? Something similar happened to me before -- I made an online friend and we talked almost every day during summer, and then he went back to work and we were lucky if we got to speak every couple of weeks or so. I would just try to put it out of my mind and focus on something else. I know distractions are really hard to fight, especially when one is lonely, but listen to music or pick up a hobby for a while and try to relax. It's possible she might get back to you with a good reason for her temporary disappearance...you never know. No point in fretting about it if it's out of your control.

What continent is she on, btw?



Haliphron
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23 Sep 2008, 10:13 pm

donkey wrote:
when we are young'ish we tend to attach ourselves to others and seek or find validation through them.
initially through our parents then ourselves and then others.

most AS skip from the parents to others phase withotu considering themselves.

As tend to latch on to and validate themselves through a relationship.
they have validation but it isnt a self validating relationship it is vicarious and through a relationship with another.

all their happinees stems from that of another.

while this is a potentially nice situation, it is more than a little risky.

when you are happy within yourself, your not as dependant on others for your personal happiness. ( you have self validation)

when your happiness depends on the whims of another?
this can look and appear as desperation.

not dissing you man just letting you see my point.

when you know yourself and are self validating, the relationships come.

parents , self, lover.
in that order.



Words of Wisdom!(indeed) 8) :D



Kilroy
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23 Sep 2008, 11:36 pm

been there done that
like 4 times
after awhile you don't care anymore
(que in Phil Collins)
"no more...no more"
(drum parts)



dudeofthedead
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23 Sep 2008, 11:49 pm

I guess I'm mainly just confused and lonesome. I always thought I was a very self-validated person; until I became depressed last year, I *liked* who I was, and knew that my friendship was worthwhile. I guess I can't deny that a big reason I'm so attached to her is because it does feel good to be validated by someone else though. She had a crush on me, which was so thrilling since I've never had any attention from the opposite sex, much less a woman who shared her affection with me. Even more than the physical desires, I wanted to be there for her because she seemed just as lonely as me. I dream of her all the time and it even seemed that... maybe destiny was working us towards each other. I know that sounds cliched and corny and everyone who falls for someone feels that way, but its still a powerful feeling, right?

Quote:
What continent is she on, btw?


She's from northern Sweden. I wish I could visit or at least call her (I do have her number). At first I thought it would be a waste to start a dialogue with her(pretty far away after all), but once we started writing to each other I found that it was just a small obstacle in the long run. I'm patient and would prefer getting to know her well as a friend before moving ahead to romance. We even called each other by fond 'sweet-talk' nicknames like sweetheart and honey...

Confusion... I don't even know if I'm allowed to feel like this. I'm afraid of sounding whiny and overdramatic. :( I guess the first time you fall in love, you fall hard and it can end up hurting...



donkey
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24 Sep 2008, 1:57 am

its good that your at least aware and honest enough to be able to see others points of view.
most people think they are self validating and self aware.

24 year old males are unlikely to have the former and even less so the latter.

it does feel so good to be "validated" through a relationship...there is a human need to connect with others.

with As it is a difficulty that is multiplied because we are unnlikely to conect, we try hard to do so without success
and when we feel it, we see it, we find it, it does open up a "feeling" we have never felt before.

it is strong and intense and when it is gone it is so lonely.
it can feel like we have been deprived of oxygen.

how do i know?

been there too. it hurts i know.

what do you do?
there is nothing i can do to soften the blow, we have all been there. few of use realise why we hurt so much.
im fortunate enough to ve married to saint of a wife. however before i met her i became self validating.

i dont need her to identify myself through.
i want her to be my wife.


while this may take time for you to achieve, it is more important that you relaise that you need to validate yourself before attempting to enter into another relationship.

the needs , wants and desires to connect with another and persue a relationship are normal givens, but when one decides to seek validation through the relationship, it becomes too risky


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HD3H
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24 Sep 2008, 3:18 am

The first time is allways the hardest



AutisticMalcontent
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24 Sep 2008, 2:54 pm

Love over the Internet, my friend, is the most worthless kind of love there is. I know I sound like a bastard, but let me explain. When you chat with a girl online and "date" online, you're merely chatting and gaining intimacy, which is good. However you don't have any passion or commitment, you only have intimacy which equals "friendship". To be in a productive relationship, you need passion (hugging, kissing, physical contact, being around each other in the PHYSICAL sense) and you need commitment (taking time out of your day to hang around that person in person), and intimacy (shared interests/friendship).

You're only fooling yourself if you think you're in love with someone who isn't even near you. The exception to the rule is if you met and dated that person before, but that's not the scenairo here. Take it from me man, I did the same thing once. I dated and chatted with a chick online, because I was lonely, just like you. In the end, it didn't make me happy, it was nothing but an illusion of happiness. You, my friend, need to go into the REAL world and get yourself a REAL girlfriend, not an electronic gf, not a playboy magazine gf, not an anime character gf, but a REAL gf. There is no other way love can truly exist. :wink:



donkey
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24 Sep 2008, 3:10 pm

AutisticMalcontent wrote:
Love over the Internet, my friend, is the most worthless kind of love there is. I know I sound like a bastard, but let me explain. When you chat with a girl online and "date" online, you're merely chatting and gaining intimacy, which is good. However you don't have any passion or commitment, you only have intimacy which equals "friendship". To be in a productive relationship, you need passion (hugging, kissing, physical contact, being around each other in the PHYSICAL sense) and you need commitment (taking time out of your day to hang around that person in person), and intimacy (shared interests/friendship).

You're only fooling yourself if you think you're in love with someone who isn't even near you. The exception to the rule is if you met and dated that person before, but that's not the scenairo here. Take it from me man, I did the same thing once. I dated and chatted with a chick online, because I was lonely, just like you. In the end, it didn't make me happy, it was nothing but an illusion of happiness. You, my friend, need to go into the REAL world and get yourself a REAL girlfriend, not an electronic gf, not a playboy magazine gf, not an anime character gf, but a REAL gf. There is no other way love can truly exist. :wink:


great advice and i do agree with it, however i would add.

that since the internet is a popular form of communication, it can be used to guage reactions to feel out friendships, and online friendships can have value and shouldnt be dismissed, althou i agree they are usefull but not a match for a real relationship.


there is another love, another 2 loves actually, in my opinion and the order they are experienced is important in anyones growing and maturing.

1st love from parents.

2nd love from self to self.

3rd love from others and to others.

too many men go from 1 to 3 and skip 2.


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AutisticMalcontent
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24 Sep 2008, 4:46 pm

donkey wrote:
AutisticMalcontent wrote:
Love over the Internet, my friend, is the most worthless kind of love there is. I know I sound like a bastard, but let me explain. When you chat with a girl online and "date" online, you're merely chatting and gaining intimacy, which is good. However you don't have any passion or commitment, you only have intimacy which equals "friendship". To be in a productive relationship, you need passion (hugging, kissing, physical contact, being around each other in the PHYSICAL sense) and you need commitment (taking time out of your day to hang around that person in person), and intimacy (shared interests/friendship).

You're only fooling yourself if you think you're in love with someone who isn't even near you. The exception to the rule is if you met and dated that person before, but that's not the scenairo here. Take it from me man, I did the same thing once. I dated and chatted with a chick online, because I was lonely, just like you. In the end, it didn't make me happy, it was nothing but an illusion of happiness. You, my friend, need to go into the REAL world and get yourself a REAL girlfriend, not an electronic gf, not a playboy magazine gf, not an anime character gf, but a REAL gf. There is no other way love can truly exist. :wink:


great advice and i do agree with it, however i would add.

that since the internet is a popular form of communication, it can be used to guage reactions to feel out friendships, and online friendships can have value and shouldnt be dismissed, althou i agree they are usefull but not a match for a real relationship.


there is another love, another 2 loves actually, in my opinion and the order they are experienced is important in anyones growing and maturing.

1st love from parents.

2nd love from self to self.

3rd love from others and to others.

too many men go from 1 to 3 and skip 2.


Very true and a good observation. I will agree that chatting on the Internet as a slightly autistic person is a great way to make friends. What we lack socially, we can easily make up for when we write to each other online, where emotions are just words on here, not odd, bizzare, and threatening things that we can't understand in real life. In fact it makes us appear more charismatic and approachable to say the least. I have no problem with online friendships, I have several. But romance on the Internet is a desperate, desperate attempt at love. It is a utter lack of hope and merely a desire to do away with the loneliness. I know because I've been there before, you figure you can't get a gal around you, so you search elsewhere, as in the Internet, to fill that loneliness.

Yes, there are multiple loves, and yes, guys choose to love their parents and others before themselves. I think the problem is that we slighty autistic people readily lack self esteem because we feel defeated, that because we are unable to understand emotions and feelings as well as neurotypicals, it would be easier to give up. It is depressing, to know that you can't interact with the rest of society as well as others do. No one knows I'm autistic, that's how well I hide it, but I know that I wish I could have that courage/self esteem that others have. Oh well, you get what I mean though