Hi out there, a female adult autist speaking

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Totonoshi
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26 Jul 2022, 5:27 am

So, these are my first insecure steps outside my masking comfort zone of horror, which became more and more unbearable the older I got.
To double and triple-check, I just filled out the AQ test and scored 47... I am not officially diagnosed yet, though. In Germany, at least where I live, research seems to focus on early childhood (for my appointment in June 2023 I have to bring my first grade school certificate dating from the 80s. I'm still trying to find it...).
Honestly, I am still in two minds about joining this forum. Having always been an alien, it feels strange to suddenly identify as a member of "something". On the other hand, it would be a pretty intersting experience to get to know some of my species.



jimmy m
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26 Jul 2022, 9:29 am

Welcome to Wrong Planet. I hope you are doing well. I have Asperger's and it provides me with both pluses and minuses. In some ways I never grow old. I am now 73 years old but I am still just a child at heart. I worked for 40 years as a scientist and engineer and then retired. I have been retired for over 10 years and recently suffered a massive stroke. But I AM STILL HERE.

Why did you decide at this late stage in your life to seek a diagnosis?

Isn't it strange that they would ask you for you first grade school certificates. It is almost like they want to ignore you, pretend you do not exist.

Anyways, enjoy your time at Wrong Planet and I hope all goes well for you.


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26 Jul 2022, 9:58 am

Welcome to WP! I hope you find it to be a reasonably comfortable fit.

Another test you might find to be interesting is Aspie-Quiz, though your AQ score is already a good indication.

Whether or not you ever get a formal diagnosis, and no matter what formal diagnosis you get (there are other conditions with some of the same symptoms as Autism), you've already met the criteria for being on Wrong Planet. You came here!

I never even considered whether I might be Autistic until I was 64. When I began wondering it was the AQ test that convinced me to get a formal assessment. And before I was 65 I got a formal diagnosis of: Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 (Mild). At my age that revelation was wonderful! It explained so much of what I had experienced in the preceding decades.


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Totonoshi
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26 Jul 2022, 4:35 pm

Thank you so much for your replies!
It really was pure coincidence that I finally found out "why I am the way I am". I spent the last 18 yrs with a narcissist (and this is also something I found out only recently). After we split up, I developed a new special interest in psychology, which means for me that I spent about a year doing hardly anything else but gathering information, first about cluster B personality disorders. That was my starting point, and eventually I came across autism. In contrast to narcissism, which was completely alien, the information I got about ASD was like an explanation of my life.
What is really sad, though, is that before I informed myself I also had this "Rain Man stereotype" in my head and, at least that´s my impression, it still prevails in Germany. Maybe I'm wrong, but during my research I quite often felt humiliated by German sources, by names like "Autism Therapy Centre" (does ASD need therapy? Or rather the side effects of masking?), by articles about "autists who manage to live independently" and so on.
Thank you again for your time and telling me about yourselves.



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26 Jul 2022, 4:37 pm

Totonoshi wrote:
So, these are my first insecure steps outside my masking comfort zone of horror, which became more and more unbearable the older I got.
To double and triple-check, I just filled out the AQ test and scored 47... I am not officially diagnosed yet, though. In Germany, at least where I live, research seems to focus on early childhood (for my appointment in June 2023 I have to bring my first grade school certificate dating from the 80s. I'm still trying to find it...).
Honestly, I am still in two minds about joining this forum. Having always been an alien, it feels strange to suddenly identify as a member of "something". On the other hand, it would be a pretty intersting experience to get to know some of my species.
Welcome aboard, Earthling!



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26 Jul 2022, 4:51 pm

Yeah. Rainman. Before I was 64 that was all I knew about Autism, as well...and I'd never seen the movie, I was just vaguely aware of it.

It was also a coincidence that lead me into looking into Autism. My (very old) father is still alive and lives (stereotypically) in Florida. Two of my siblings live near him and see him frequently. One of the siblings works as a nanny for special-needs children. Apparently in 2018 she visited Dad with one of her charges and it was later reported to me that Dad said several times that the kid was doing the same "weird" things I used to do! (Apparently I made quite an impression on Dad because when I was that kid's age Eisenhower was president!) I remembered my sister previously mentioning the kid and noting that they thought maybe he was Autistic and, even though I didn't think I was anything like Rainman, I consulted the Internet. The rest is now a formal diagnosis and a wonderful relief at finally knowing what the heck was going on all those decades.


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29 Jul 2022, 8:42 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet. Your self-diagnosis story is similar to my own. I had a special interest in psychology at the time. This was before Rainman and before the "spectrum" became a thing, although I did know of autism but didn't have a real suspicion that I might be autistic. I happened upon a psychology book in my school library that described Asperger's and everything they described fit me perfectly. I never pursued a diagnosis and didn't even know that Asperger's wasn't an real diagnosis at the time. Later when there was much news about the "spectrum", I still didn't do much with my self-diagnosis. It wasn't until I discovered the neurodiversity movement that I took an interest in ASD and that led me here and to also meet local ASD people. Of course, I always known some ASD people but had never disclosed my self-diagnosis to them.


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jimmy m
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29 Jul 2022, 9:17 pm

Totonoshi wrote:
Thank you so much for your replies!
It really was pure coincidence that I finally found out "why I am the way I am". I spent the last 18 yrs with a narcissist (and this is also something I found out only recently). After we split up, I developed a new special interest in psychology, which means for me that I spent about a year doing hardly anything else but gathering information, first about cluster B personality disorders. That was my starting point, and eventually I came across autism. In contrast to narcissism, which was completely alien, the information I got about ASD was like an explanation of my life.
What is really sad, though, is that before I informed myself I also had this "Rain Man stereotype" in my head and, at least that´s my impression, it still prevails in Germany. Maybe I'm wrong, but during my research I quite often felt humiliated by German sources, by names like "Autism Therapy Centre" (does ASD need therapy? Or rather the side effects of masking?), by articles about "autists who manage to live independently" and so on.
Thank you again for your time and telling me about yourselves.


Being linked with a narcissist is probably the worst combination for Aspies. I do not think you are alone. There have been several members on this site that talk about such a combination.

Perhaps one of the main points is that there are several versions of Aspies. It is not a one side fits all. I am a little like the strange one. In a sense I am a little like Peter Pan. I never grew up. Even though I am 73 years old, I am still a child at heart. As a teenager, I grew a mustache and then everyone just assumed I was an adult. But unlike most Neurotypicals, I never stopped learning. My mind grew and grew and grew.

So essentially I make my own decisions. I worked for 40 years and retired around 10 years ago.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that one does not have to MASK to live in this world. Sometimes throwing off your mask can cause you some pain but I have found being the real me to be worth it.


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30 Jul 2022, 2:37 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet! :)


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anemoshii
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01 Aug 2022, 12:14 am

Welcome; I’m new too. I noticed that a lot of research and focus is placed on early childhood, too, and on finding the cause of autism or knowing how to identify it early. These are obviously important topics but I wish they would put some more focus on adults who were diagnosed later in life and how this has impacted their lives so far. Good luck with your journey; I received an unofficial diagnosis a few years ago and am getting results back today/Monday for my full psych eval.



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05 Aug 2022, 2:34 am

Hello there Totonoshi and welcome to Wrong Planet - I hope that you will enjoy it here :D



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13 Aug 2022, 7:06 pm

Welcome to WP! :mrgreen:


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