Why Shouldn't I Just Kill Myself?

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Where_am_I
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12 Aug 2022, 1:30 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Many, many things can happen in 4 years' time.....

Sure, but I don't see why I should think that me finally getting a girlfriend after all this time is likely to be one of them.

It didn't happen within the last 4 years, or the 4 years before that, or the 4 years before that.

I have pretty much no opportunities to meet women my age.

I'm probably too desperate for a relationship and validation for most sane women to not be turned off.

My confidence is practically non-existent as it relates to attracting and approaching women.

I'm only getting worse-looking as I'm getting older.

With my receding hairline, I'll probably be bald well before I'm 30.

I'm fragile when it comes to rejection.

I have ED.

I'm looking for reasons to justify being optimistic about the future, but I'm not finding them. If anything, my chances seem like they're only getting worse. Why would a woman want to date me given that I'm so lonely and desperate for a relationship that it's making me suicidal?

I'm not in a position where it is reasonable to expect that things will improve on their own with time. I'm in a position where I can really only pray for a miracle or give up and kill myself.

I know of many women who think men become more attractive with age, and many who find bald men attractive. Again, apologies if this isn't helpful.


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The Grand Inquisitor
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12 Aug 2022, 1:36 am

Where_am_I wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Many, many things can happen in 4 years' time.....

Sure, but I don't see why I should think that me finally getting a girlfriend after all this time is likely to be one of them.

It didn't happen within the last 4 years, or the 4 years before that, or the 4 years before that.

I have pretty much no opportunities to meet women my age.

I'm probably too desperate for a relationship and validation for most sane women to not be turned off.

My confidence is practically non-existent as it relates to attracting and approaching women.

I'm only getting worse-looking as I'm getting older.

With my receding hairline, I'll probably be bald well before I'm 30.

I'm fragile when it comes to rejection.

I have ED.

I'm looking for reasons to justify being optimistic about the future, but I'm not finding them. If anything, my chances seem like they're only getting worse. Why would a woman want to date me given that I'm so lonely and desperate for a relationship that it's making me suicidal?

I'm not in a position where it is reasonable to expect that things will improve on their own with time. I'm in a position where I can really only pray for a miracle or give up and kill myself.

I know of many women who think men become more attractive with age, and many who find bald men attractive. Again, apologies if this isn't helpful.

I appreciate your input.

I'm sure there are women who feel that way. I just doubt they'd be interested in me. Nobody ever is.

My point is just that there isn't any solid reason to think that I'm going to find someone now where I haven't been able to in the past, and the factors that are likely to work against me seem like they're mounting rather than dissipating.



The Grand Inquisitor
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16 Aug 2022, 7:04 am

I'm desperate to stop feeling the way I feel. I'm thinking about suicide every day because I'm sick of experiencing this pain and loneliness.

I can't fathom how I'm ever going to meet someone when I've never been able to before, and being depressed and desperate only makes me a less appealing dating prospect.

Even if I managed to get a girlfriend, the emotional assault I've experienced from not being able to ever date despite intense desires has left me woefully inequipped to handle a break-up or being cheated on.

The big problem is the lack of feasible dating prospects I have. Being perpetually single with no dating prospects makes me feel extremely inadequate, hopeless and unwanted. Having prospects would mean there's an opportunity for something to develop. I'd presumably be receiving interest from women at least occasionally, so I wouldn't feel so undesirable, and a relationship wouldn't feel unachievable.

But there's no way to make that happen. My only options are to endure this agonising pain indefinitely, or succumb to it and finally take my own life.

I'm racking my brain trying to think of a solution to my dating problems, but I can't, and that's probably because there isn't one.

I'm really feeling like suicide is the only option I have if I don't want to suffer anymore.

I wish I was wrong, but I don't think I am.



Where_am_I
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16 Aug 2022, 7:28 am

Did you manage to ask you therapist for information on dating coaches?

They might suggest social skills training, which could be helpful for dating. They may also be able to signpost you to other services, such as a befriending buddy, local activities you could take part in to help you get back into the community (if these are things you need help with).


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16 Aug 2022, 7:40 am

Where_am_I wrote:
Did you manage to ask you therapist for information on dating coaches?

I forgot to mention dating coaches in our session. My therapist knows my situation, so I'd imagine if she knew any dating coaches, she probably would have mentioned them by now. Still, I should have asked what she thought about me getting a dating coach.



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16 Aug 2022, 11:09 am

Because if you end it then there's a 0% chance of achieving your goal, and if you don't, there's a >0% chance.. which could give you Hope, and in turn the motivation to take decisive action towards working towards your goal, and bit by bit, no matter how slowly or how many steps backwards for every one forwards, you May Be inching closer to the life situation that will bring you satisfaction. All of that becomes impossible if you take the easy way out instead of doing the work.

By work I mean everything.. staying alive - that may be work for you right now. Improving your physical health and fitness, and in turn your physical attractiveness as well as mental state of mind and other attraction qualities. Improving your finances so you can financially afford to date as you see fit. Etc. Rome wasn't built in a day.. even if these things take years of dedicated work & slow progression, so what? If the end goal is your life's dream then it's worth all the time and energy you have to put into it. IMO.

Side note: I've posted here many times that I feel unfit for a relationship, that I'd never want to bring someone down in life and burden them with my ASD traits. And yet here I am present day with an agreement with my favourite fwb not to hookup with other ppl while we take things slow and explore a relationship together. Sure, there's no definitive outcome just yet.. but with the conversations we've had and steps we've taken, I do believe it's headed in that direction - And I Want it to. Soooo, if this is possible for fishy who's felt his whole life that it isn't in the cards.. well, maybe it is for you, too? You'll never know if you cut things short before your time, just as I wouldn't know this possibility today if I'd done the same any time I ever thought about it.


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Where_am_I
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16 Aug 2022, 2:38 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Where_am_I wrote:
Did you manage to ask you therapist for information on dating coaches?

I forgot to mention dating coaches in our session. My therapist knows my situation, so I'd imagine if she knew any dating coaches, she probably would have mentioned them by now. Still, I should have asked what she thought about me getting a dating coach.


Yeah, it's worth asking. Make a note ahead of your next lesson - just so you don't forget!


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16 Aug 2022, 3:48 pm

Just hold on ,don't do anything drastic



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16 Aug 2022, 9:23 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
Because if you end it then there's a 0% chance of achieving your goal, and if you don't, there's a >0% chance.. which could give you Hope, and in turn the motivation to take decisive action towards working towards your goal, and bit by bit, no matter how slowly or how many steps backwards for every one forwards, you May Be inching closer to the life situation that will bring you satisfaction. All of that becomes impossible if you take the easy way out instead of doing the work.

A non-zero chance of something happening really doesn't mean anything to me. There was a non-zero chance of me getting to date within the past 14 years, and it still didn't happen. Why should I believe that it's any more likely to happen in the near future?

The other way to look at it is there's a seemingly low chance that I'm going to stop being burdened by this pain anytime soon (and I really need it to stop asap), but I won't have to deal with it anymore if I kill myself. That's where I'm at. I don't have patience anymore.

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By work I mean everything.. staying alive - that may be work for you right now. Improving your physical health and fitness, and in turn your physical attractiveness as well as mental state of mind and other attraction qualities. Improving your finances so you can financially afford to date as you see fit. Etc. Rome wasn't built in a day.. even if these things take years of dedicated work & slow progression, so what? If the end goal is your life's dream then it's worth all the time and energy you have to put into it. IMO.

Somebody who is as depressed as I am is not in an optimal position to hit the ground running and pull themselves up by the bootstraps. To the extent that it's possible, I'm trying to direct my life in the way I want it to go, but I can't be firing on all cylinders while I'm dealing with this debilitating depression and loneliness. I need to fill the romantic void in my life in order to keep the depression and despair at bay, and to the extent that I can't do that, my capacity for progress towards self-actualisation is hamstrung by my intense depression.

It's easy for you to say that it's ok if it takes years. If you think that's ok, you have no idea what I'm dealing with. I'll end my life before I'll enter my 30s as a romantically inexperienced lonely virgin.



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16 Aug 2022, 10:24 pm

I’ll be 40 years old next month. I’ve never really dated anyone ever. Hookups, fwb, crushes, but Right Now is the closest I’ve ever come to being in a relationship. Not sure it’s officially a relationship but we’ve agreed not to F other ppl and to take things slow. It’s new and different territory in different ways for both of us. Blah blah, my point is you’ll never know if something might happen later that’s meant to be if you literally kill your chances.

As for being a virgin, if that stresses you so much just go bang a classy escort and get a little experience.


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17 Aug 2022, 12:21 am

goldfish21 wrote:
I’ll be 40 years old next month. I’ve never really dated anyone ever. Hookups, fwb, crushes, but Right Now is the closest I’ve ever come to being in a relationship. Not sure it’s officially a relationship but we’ve agreed not to F other ppl and to take things slow. It’s new and different territory in different ways for both of us. Blah blah, my point is you’ll never know if something might happen later that’s meant to be if you literally kill your chances.

As for being a virgin, if that stresses you so much just go bang a classy escort and get a little experience.

What's really stressing me is not receiving any kind of romantic or sexual interest. It makes me feel like an intrinsically undesirable POS who's going to be alone forever. It makes me feel alienated from the rest of society, and obviously very lonely. There's no opportunity for a relationship to develop if nobody's interested in me, or if I can't even meet women my age.

I've been being told that things will happen for me eventually since I was in my early teens. At what point do I read the writing on the wall? It's no good if I'm going to be in a retirement home before I finally get my first girlfriend.

If I kill myself, I risk missing out on a relationship that may have formed in the future, but if I don't, I risk enduring this pain for years to come. If my first relationship is several years in the future, that's just not good enough. I've already had to wait long enough. I really would rather kill myself now than endure this pain for several more years until I finally get that first relationship.



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17 Aug 2022, 1:54 am

It’s seems so simple and yet so impossible for many ….often people are not considering nature …..
and it’s not a normally wanted to hear advise. But……if you work on yourself . Whatever your deficits,you work on them . A person needs to make room in their life for another person. Whatever you consider that to be ?
By making space , you create a vacuum, nature does not like a vacuum . I am told .
And sometimes in the process of trying to improve, , people may notice. Hopefully in a good way .

Truley hope you do not make a permanent decisions before you have a chance for change . :mrgreen:


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17 Aug 2022, 7:05 am

Jakki wrote:
It’s seems so simple and yet so impossible for many ….often people are not considering nature …..
and it’s not a normally wanted to hear advise. But……if you work on yourself . Whatever your deficits,you work on them . A person needs to make room in their life for another person. Whatever you consider that to be ?
By making space , you create a vacuum, nature does not like a vacuum . I am told .
And sometimes in the process of trying to improve, , people may notice. Hopefully in a good way .

Truley hope you do not make a permanent decisions before you have a chance for change . :mrgreen:

I've tried self-improvement, and it's never made a shred of difference to my love life. I'm continuing to strive for self-improvement, and it's continuing to make no difference to my love life.

I can try to become my best self, but if I don't have avenues through which to meet women, what good does that do my love life?



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17 Aug 2022, 10:04 am

I think you have gotten into a very badly depressed state where feeling depressed itself makes you feel depressed and makes everything feel impossible. I have been in that state before for a different reason, where I felt depressed and negative even after the problem itself that initially caused the depression was resolved. It was like my brain was conditioned to feel depressed/negative. I think you had better get it treated first. Otherwise, even what's possible will keep feeling impossible, and that will prevent you from taking action.

Are you on NDIS? NDIS provides people with disability including autism with funds for goal-based support tailored to their specific problems. Are you with any state autism support organization? They have expertise in autism-related issues, including developing skills for friendship/relationship. NDIS can fund their support. While things won't change overnight, they will surely guide you in the right direction, with sessions for relationship skill development etc. I receive support from an autism association of my state, funded by NDIS.

Sorry if you are already aware of what I stated above.



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17 Aug 2022, 10:06 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Jakki wrote:
It’s seems so simple and yet so impossible for many ….often people are not considering nature …..
and it’s not a normally wanted to hear advise. But……if you work on yourself . Whatever your deficits,you work on them . A person needs to make room in their life for another person. Whatever you consider that to be ?
By making space , you create a vacuum, nature does not like a vacuum . I am told .
And sometimes in the process of trying to improve, , people may notice. Hopefully in a good way .

Truley hope you do not make a permanent decisions before you have a chance for change . :mrgreen:

I've tried self-improvement, and it's never made a shred of difference to my love life. I'm continuing to strive for self-improvement, and it's continuing to make no difference to my love life.

I can try to become my best self, but if I don't have avenues through which to meet women, what good does that do my love life?


Continue to work on yourself - improvement is a continuous process, not a goal. You don't get to a certain point in physical fitness, social skills, sense of style/fashion, skills competencies, sports/rec/hobby mastery etc and then just stop because you've "made it." There is no stopping. Sure, there can be ups and downs, but in general just keep doing the work to improve yourself, your appearance, your mental health and well being/mood and mindset etc.


Also, improve that other thing. I'm glad you acknowledged it as a constraint that needs to be improved. Work on improving your chances of meeting women - even just for conversation or eventual friends - better yet for a date, but take what interactions you can get for what they're worth as they can all be of value.

I heard a little blurb on the radio one day from a caller that called in a talked about why it's so hard for adults to make friends vs. children.. and it seemed so simple and obvious, but also probably very true for almost everyone. He said the reason adults (everyone! NT's, too.) have great difficulty making friends is because they don't go to the same place with the same people every day like school aged children do. School aged children go to.. school, where they're around the same group of people 5 days a week for years. They get to know each other and then typically form several to many friendships during their time there. He suggested that the best thing an adult could do to expand their social circle and make more friends is to become a regular somewhere. Hangout at the same place around the same people during the same times long enough and eventually people start talking and getting to know each other and they make friends - sometimes lots of them.

I can attest to this. I'm a regular at the beach over the last several years and I've made Dozens of friends there. Everyone who's a regular knows me, most by name but all at least by face. I get smiles and hi's and high fives and offers of food/drink etc, or to join in a game etc etc blah blah. I've also been hit on. None of that would have happened with that community of people (there are Hundreds of regulars, and busy days bring Thousands - sometimes 10K+ people to the beach) if I hadn't gone there regularly for years on end. There's been times I'm there 5-7 evenings/week after work, and during covid I only went down like 10 times in 2 years, but now I've been back this summer nearly daily unless I have something else I gotta/wanna do etc. This year I've been hanging with the most Alpha Male crew on the beach as their leader of sorts has become a friend and also my personal trainer. So I'm learning things about physical self improvement that I'm paying for (and getting value!) as well as things about social norms and male/female interactions and sports/military/social/business dominance etc. If I wasn't a super regular And hadn't worked on my own health and social skills in various ways I'd have never had the "invite," to the inner circle of the "in crowd," and fit in as well as I do as a new addition. I have friends there ranging from young 20's university students to 70-80+ year old old hippies and all sorts in between. Some are business owners or engineers, others are lifelong beach bums that live in their vans/cars, and some are homeless. Some are students, some are drug dealers, others musicians - but it's a vibrant community of people that enjoy a very special beautiful beach together.

Sure, your life and social skills and spot on the ASD spectrum are going to differ from mine, but, proof is in the pudding.. work on improving all of these things And become a regular at a place around other adults and eventually you get to talking to them and get to know 'em and they get to know you and you end up forming friendships. Gotta pick a place that's suitable to hangout and just start hanging out there. Maybe it's a beach or park, maybe it's a pub (although you're guaranteed to befriend alcoholics that way.) maybe it's a community centre/gym, could be a cafe, or a library ? a hobby shop (probably mostly male dominated, though - best to choose somewhere co-ed for your purposes.), or maybe a little tourist destination type place where you get to know all the staff at all the shops, or church if that's your thing.. anywhere where people tend to gather And they're you're kind of people with a shared interest - usually in the place and/or it's function. But pick a place and start showing up and eventually you'll get to know people and form friendships and meet women who are potential dates or partners. Can't just pop by once and expect to make instant friends or pick up a date - that's very, very, rare and can often backfire on guys as being creepy, sleazy, or off putting pick up artists.. whereas regulars at a place who get to know people are then sorta "on the roster," for a potential date kind of thing, and dating Does tend to happen within communities. It certainly does at the beach, and at pubs, and at gyms, and in churches.. so, now one of the things on your list is to find a place & people to be around regularly. And if the first place you think of clearly isn't your vibe, try another one, rinse and repeat until you find the right one for yourself. IMO better to be around healthy active vibrant people as so many behaviours are "socially contagious." If you hangout at a gym/community centre, you'll likely workout, do some classes, go for a swim and eat healthy food. If you hangout at a pub you'll probably end up drinking too much. If you hangout at a donut shop chances are you'll eat too many donuts. etc. So, choose wisely.. someplace of interest And benefit where both males and females spend their time.


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17 Aug 2022, 1:29 pm

How many friends of both genders do you have? Do you need to work on widening your circle of friends? You could meet friends of friends this way or your friends could set you up with someone.


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