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aviandivine
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29 Nov 2022, 12:47 pm

I don't understand why people lie about things when they're asked for their opinion. Several times now, friends have asked me what I think of their partner and if I don't like them and think they're not good for them, I will tell them. This results in a temporary loss of contact until they break up and then they come back to me and say I "was the only one who ever said anything". So, you're grateful now that I was honest but not then? About three different friends this has happened with. If you didn't want to hear what I thought why ask? And when I tell you, why get mad? I will tell you something to your face rather than behind your back like everyone else so you can hear a differing opinion. I just don't get why this keeps happening.



temp1234
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30 Nov 2022, 10:18 am

I know what you mean. If not asked for an opinion, then it's best to not say anything. If asked for one, then, you'd better give an honest one. I'd be happy to lie to people that I have contempt for (malicious people) if doing so will upset them/make things difficult for them. Otherwise, I don't like lying.

My honest opinions have upset people before but I have no regrets. When I was asked about someone's new hairstyle and clothes, I honestly said they made her look cheap like a prostitute and I hated it. When I was shown my coworker's new AU$200 dress and was asked if I liked it, I honestly said it looked to me like a AU$20 dress rather than AU$200, which caused an awkward silence. Yeah, you should be honest with people that you have respect for, or at least you don't have contempt for.



Trueno
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30 Nov 2022, 11:06 am

I usually start with something like: “If you want me to answer that I’ll answer it truthfully and you may not like what I say.”


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01 Dec 2022, 11:03 am

aviandivine wrote:
I just don't get why this keeps happening.

Because you're autistic, honest, straight forward/blunt, and not wired for the automatic little white lies expected in social situations. That's why.

Reminds me of a time when I was ~18yo in business school and I can't even remember what was asked of me but I recall the reaction being a sarcastic "Tell us how you really feel," and my response being "Why would I say anything else? :?" That was back about 12 years before I figured out my diagnosis.



Anyways, if you haven't deduced it from the above.. people have unwritten social rules that when they ask questions like this they're not often seeking honest responses, but rather validation and confirmation bias from their friends to make them feel good about their choices and decisions. "What do you think of my partner?" "Oh, they're lovely. What a great catch!" and then they're happy and feel good. But when they're dating a loser and you tell them they're dating a loser they're mad in the moment that you think that about their choice of partner.. even if it's true. Eventually they break up because dating losers almost never works out for people, and then they acknowledge you were right and appreciate your honesty and tell you no one else said anything of the sort - because the rest of their friends are NT and play NT bs games of little white lies instead of saying what they really think if they think it.

Hope that explains things for ya! :)


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r00tb33r
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02 Dec 2022, 6:58 am

There is wisdom in telling people what they want to hear. Easy fo you, easy for them.


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lostonearth35
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03 Dec 2022, 12:39 pm

Humans don't want honesty. They only want other people to have the same opinions as theirs. If you disagree with them, that means you are WRONG. Until you're proven to be right.



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03 Dec 2022, 8:51 pm

I hate lying but unfortunately most people i know hate the truth if the truth isn't what they want to hear.



Joe90
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09 Dec 2022, 8:16 am

This is one of the things that make me question my diagnosis. I do understand why we feel the need to lie more to the people we respect. If someone asked me if I liked their dress and I didn't like it, I wouldn't have the heart to say no. Even though saying no is just my opinion and doesn't mean they look bad in it or anything, I still know they'll take offense to it or it will make me look like a mean person.
Or if they asked me if they looked fat in the dress and they did look fat in the dress, I wouldn't have the heart to say. I'd just keep reassuring and saying "no, of course you don't" until I believe it myself. It's what they want to hear. Give them what they want to hear.
I know it doesn't sound logical but I still understand why people think like this. I find harsh truths challenging to hear. I hate when people are too blunt and then say "I was only being honest". Although honesty is supposed to be a good thing, it isn't always.
Not all lies are bad. Most people tell white lies most of the time and aren't lying to be malicious. People just don't have the heart to say the truth even though the truth might sound like it has to be said.
Sometimes "do I look fat in this dress?" can actually mean "I really love this dress, I want to wear it today and I hope I don't look fat in it or anything". So they're anticipating a compassionate response from you, perhaps asking for a kind opinion for an ego boost.
I find I compliment people way too much, which then causes life to be a little complicated sometimes. Like if I'm friends with both Jack and John but they don't like each other and are bullying each other but are both confiding in me, I have to say "oh, poor you, just don't listen to him" to both parties. But then I feel like I'm being two-faced or something.


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PhosphorusDecree
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10 Dec 2022, 8:02 pm

Apparently I get a very obvious look of panic in these situations, as I hate lying and hate offending people roughly equally.


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10 Dec 2022, 9:15 pm

I struggle with that a lot.

I also hate people lying to me. I wore some tights to my son’s wedding. I had some doubts about them. Everyone kept saying “you look fine.” Pictures came back. I did not look fine. I should have stuffed the darn tights in my purse!

One of my students told me I am the coolest teacher in school after teacher A and teacher B. That made me feel great! - I am cool. Even better, he trusts me enough to be honest about what he thinks with me!