Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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I don't know what I lost first, you or my mind. I'm sorry for the mess.

I'm sorry I didn't take responsibility for my actions until it was too late. It got too real and my mind broke, I abused narcotics and treated all your concerns like a joke. Looking back on that period of my life I feel like a psychopath. I hurt you because I lost my purpose and balance. You ripped the carpet from under my feet. It was already daunting when we were on good terms because I was so scared of upsetting you and you clung to me the same way I did you. I'm a virgin but I talked a big game like I had it all figured out, running from childhood sexual trauma. I really felt how I tried to share with you but it was all strange territory for me. I was isolationg myself from you when I got too attached because I felt like I was suffocating you and it really messed me up when you did what you did. Not only did you watch me closely, I was hurt when you denied your feelings because you were scared I'd flip the script. You sat there everynight watching me and writing posts, accused me of not loving you and all I wanted was for you and me to be together. I felt the same things you shared while you were calling me a narcissist. Both of us were crazy about each other but atleast I admitted it. Maybe this is the end. I want to fight for you love but its all out of my hands. if you're done, thats how it will be and I'll respect your space/

I'm not going to explain myself to you because its not my place to approach her friends. First off I'm sorry for my friends behavior and rude comments he's made to you while you're at your job. Second I'm sorry my presence is such a bother to you and I understand why you are disgusted by me. I'm actually relieved that you've stayed by her side this whole time despite my previous delusional poison. I apologize that I kissed you thinking you were her. It wasn't to plant any seed of betrayal and I'm not saying this as an excuse because I know I messed up but I was psychotic with a heavy xanax addiction. You both are the same height and had the same hair, and truthfully I seemed to catch you eyeing me alot at work so in that moment I thought you were her. I sincerely apologize for what I did and I have no idea what really happened a few years ago at the park but I seem to recall seeing you with a red headed man talking crap about me and you appeared really upset and to me it seemed like you were defending me. You'll never see this nor would you care but I had a lot of admiration for how you carried yourself and I found you beautiful but It never once appeared in my mind to befriend you or anything because I was in love with your friend. I've been owning up to my mistakes and I was a bad person, schizophrenia or not I made bad choices and failed to think before I acted. Am I obsessed with her? since the day I've met her. So much has happened and so many harmful words were said that I can't just do away with the damage. I left a path of destruction that I can't fully understand myself but I know I changed lives negatively. When people ask me about her watching me I've been telling the truth about how I was psychotic. I can't just erase what I did and she's seemingly unreachable so I've left her to reach her own explanations. The hurtful actions went both ways. Did you know that when I embarrassed myself by outing my autism and ptsd she told me she had her daughter tested but it was negative and she snarkly added that thank god she's not a freak. Also when I left her office she walked ahead of me then ran back and threatenly told me that on one will believe me anyway that she was watching me. I didn't want this to become a pubic spectacle but she pushed me into a corner until I had a psychotic break. I don't need no validation for my feelings but it's upsetting that she is having delusional thoughts like I was and no ones truly listening to her and helping her stay on the path to recovery. To me the only solution in her eyes is for me to take my life as she's said on reddit before. I keep my feet planted primarily in my backyard doing my stupid woodworking projects, unkept appearance, poor health but that's not good enough. I isolate myself and block all former mutual friends, quit my former favorite activity and become obese and borderline diabetic. Somehow that's not good enough, either I stick to myself and I catch her walking halfway up my driveway before she sees me or when there's an opportunity where we both can safely communicate she shuts me out from talking and basically tries to coerce me into doing something stupid to myself when she knows how I feel about her and why. Please, Please convince her that there's some other man out there that will love and respect every bit of her and is actually capable of getting her out of her slump.

For my doctaaaa

Just because I am on the spectrum or that we share the same diagnoses does not mean you can unmask and act rude towards me in your own home. I am not interested in sports, I don't care about facts and trivia about them, boring Just get the the point when you talk, I dont care about other details or you will never get to the point and I will just get lost in what you are saying. You kept interrupting me when I was telling you about my day out and it was like you didn't care about my day, you kept ignoring my questions when I would ask you. You didn't care about my safety when I had lights on so I could see when I was walking around and looking for my things, was it not obvious to you what I was doing? It would be like me telling you to turn the light off when I see you doing laundry. You knew I was coming and knew months in advance but your night owl routine was so damn important than me and you let me down with our plans. Next time I will just bring my kids and stay in a hotel if I decide to see you again and we can talk online because at least you won't ignore my questions and interrupt me. I can't talk to you online without feeling angry. I wish I could tell you all this but I don't have the balls to.

I've turned out the be the opposite that you raised be to be. I prefer Germany over Britain, I'm masculine and I do not have a stiff upper lip. What do you have to say about that? Are you going to send me to my room or disown me. I gave the two of you a break this summer, because my love for Germany has intensified as the summer went on.

Thank you for sniggering at my many shortcomings, it's been a useful guage. I don't have a clue about some things, as you know so well.
I hope you have someone to snigger at your shortcomings too, they don't belong to "the condition", they're all yours!

That's you that is!

I buzz myself up on coffee each morning because it changes my mood and maybe my personality. I will jack myself up as high as a kite on that one cup of instant coffee until you apologize for nit picking about the fact that I cry more often than you and Dean. You don't like it when people cry just like my mum, so why not drink the coffee? Coffee brings out the Cockney in me.

Thanks so much for screwing everything up and leaving us in the lurch. You could have said something two weeks ago instead of putting yourself first and jeopardising everything for everyone else. Now it's like you're virtue signalling and giving us no choice. We feel judged and played even though I'm sure it wan't your intention.

Is this how things work on your side? What are the boundaries like, there? I can't imagine they'd put up with this but you expect me to grin and bear it? At what cost? How many times? None of this would have happened if you did a little google search at the beginning, or if you stopped to think about the fallout. I'm not a lackey or a doormat but when shite like this goes down, it's how you make me feel.

I had so much faith in you. I don't want to believe it was malicious. I want to believe you're doing what's right. I hope I'm reading too much into everything but even if I'm not, I feel hurt. So does she. You have no idea. I really can't imagine this happening the other way around, and that's what bugs me most. You've mucked it all up, and now I don't know what to do.

Actually, I do know.

Sometimes I have to put my heart first and do what I know is right. This is one of those times. You might not like it, and it may make waves, but ... tough. Some day you might understand what it's like to be me.

Happy Birthday!

Live large and have a drink on me!

Dear B,

You told me that I don't need to eat very much. You've planted a very dangerous seed in my mind. There's a 5 week month coming up and because of what you told me this morning, I will be eating canned meat burgers for dinner again for the next 5 weeks. I might even be drinking two cups of coffee each morning. They say that weight is a personal thing, but it's got more to do with money. Don't cry when I no longer look like Schultz in the spring because I care more about money than I do about food. It's money, money, money. Characters and body types have nothing to do with it. You've planted an ugly seed and now you can have the pleasure of watching it grow. The young ladies in our town will fall to the ground when they see how much I look like Mick Avory once again after 25 years. All this, because I care more about my money than I care about food.

Dear The Sun,

Please bug off and explode already. Stop illuminating the world with your blinding carcinogens.

No one likes you anyway.

You can incinerate Daylight Savings while you're at it.

Issy

PS -- Please send fuzzy blankets instead.

Dear you,

I appreciate you have mental health problems but you need to be more aware of other people and try to get more friends/girlfriend. You are miserable on your own, you need to have a laugh now and then and try and be less uptight.

Paul

For my brother with love,

Take another shot of courage
Wonder why the right words never come
You just get numb




Tequila Sunrise - Eagles