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AprilR
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18 Jan 2022, 2:33 pm

I regret trying so hard and stressing myself out for my studies/gaining friends when people who couldn't give a damn about anything but their own comfort gets to have things they put zero effort in. I feel so sorry for my past self.



Nekomonster
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20 Jan 2022, 1:08 am

I can't keep doing the work-school-space-out-online-all-day cycle. I need to do something, have somebody or multiple people.

It's hard to get over how much I f*****g hate myself for not doing more in high school when the opportunity was available for plenty of events because I wanted to go home every day and have an eating disorder (0/10 do not recommend). There's no events or anything for adults in this town. I don't know how to meet people. I'm further f****d by the fact that I can't drive.

I feel like s**t for being so lonely, too, when I have a boyfriend...the only problem is that he's all the way in the Netherlands. He honestly does his best and is the sweetest person in the world, but it just doesn't fill the ache I have to be touched. (Autist oxymoron, I know.) I think about my ex, a lot, and how scared I was when he wanted to come and meet me (he was a manageable distance away), and the fact that I pushed him away twice. I wish he'd come and meet me now - take me away, literally anywhere, do anything you want with me, as long as I don't have to be here.

God, I'm f****d up.


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Edna3362
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20 Jan 2022, 6:28 am

Aging.
Just aging.

No, it has nothing to do with years closer to expiration date or even to do with natural aesthetics -- I don't mind that.
No, it has nothing to do with ageism related issues and expectations -- I don't care about that.

I'm talking about the bodily interiors.
The usual vulnerabilities, declines and such. I just don't like it.


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HighLlama
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20 Jan 2022, 6:30 am

I am tired of handing out aspirin at work, and all the fake illnesses. Learn how to cope!! !! Also, there are three other people who do my job. I'm not the only one people need to come to.



Joe90
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20 Jan 2022, 9:05 pm

Why are people so petty over me using a plastic jug to fill my bucket up at work? There is only one plastic jug that has always sat in the kitchen area at work, and it's handy to fill up my bucket with, as the bucket is too big to fit into the sink. But even if the bucket could fit into the sink I'd still prefer to use the jug instead for hygiene reasons (as the bucket can get very dirty and is usually used outside). Then suddenly today the jug was gone, and when I asked where it was they said they'd hidden it because it wasn't meant to be used. What the f? All I was doing was filling it up with water to pour into my bucket, that's it. It's hardly doing the jug, or any person, any harm. It's just a plastic, empty jug. Now what am I supposed to use to fill my bucket up with from the sink? And why was the jug hidden? I feel like I'm treated like a toddler sometimes; "oh, we'd better hide it, Joe90 uses it and she mustn't use it". :roll: Why go hiding things? Why not just tell me not to use it if it's that precious? And give a valid reason why I can't use it. Not that I can think of any valid reasons why an empty plastic jug in a kitchen is out of bounds.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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20 Jan 2022, 10:58 pm

Often have a hard time sleeping

Frequently exhausted at work. 38. Don't know how much longer I could handle the job. Always standing and walking and pushing carts. Even in the rain.

Itchy

Constipation



Four separate times, someone in the slave plantation litterbox had the nerve to reach under the partition and grabbed my foot with his paw. I screamed. He burst out laughing like it was the funniest thing in the solar system. The first time I tattled to security. The second time I tattled to the cops. (The slave plantation has cops and security and loss prevention on duty at all times.) The third time I tattled to the loss prevention. Had to fill out an incident report. She told me that they would get back to me. They did not do so. that was three weeks ago. The fourth time was yesterday. Loss prevention told me that it would get back to the same day. It did not.

It makes me paranoid that someone is out to get me. He knows where I work. That is almost as bad as knowing where you live. The slave plantation is in the middle of a homeless encampment. I am usually alone. I am autistic, mentally slow, emotionally fragile, socially awkward, physically weak, and 120 pounds. He could rape me and get away with it. I can't stop him. The employees and customers at work don't act interested in me. But the day laborers keep pointing and laughing at me every time I almost get run over by a car. The slave plantation needs to make the litterbox employee only. And the parking lot, customers only.

Circumference expanding and some pants don't fit

New pants $$$ and I don't have a car to go shopping with

Besides I hate clothes shopping

My worthless corpse has been wasting too much cash , especially on grub, and needs to stop. Because minimum wage part time cant afford much

Menstrual cycle

Appetite gone haywire

Felt like gorging

Reckless drivers at work

Potholes and other tripping hazards

Employees and customers love to say "can you" like it is a polite request, but it sounds like if you "can", you have to. "Will you". Idiots keep mispronouncing my name. It sounds racist the way they pronounce my name.

"Huh" and "what"

Off leash dogs

Destroyed all occupational prospects

Rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead

My precious lil "friends". Quality and quantity. They won't humor my pet peeves. Sometimes they won't even answer the email

Two times this week, someone had the nerve to tell me that I don't speak English. (Broca's aphasia, autism). They were not angry or overreacting. But it is hard to imagine that they would have said that if I were white

Shoes wet from the rain. 7 am to 7 pm two consecutive days

Dryer takes two loads and that's not even completely dry

Walkie talkies at work

Annoying coworkers and customers

Idiots from the past won't apologize the f**k up to me

Nothing to look forward to doing

Covid tests

Income tax

Kayla b***h's dojo

Tattletale tom told head cashier cristal that I had not pushed any carts from 10 to 10:46, but I was in the tree lot. Makes me paranoid what other bozos tattled on me to the boss. For all I know, maybe tattletale tom is having sex with the boss. "At will" employer could make my worthless corpse redundant for any reason or no reason. The slave plantation can do anything it wants, legal or illegal (subject to imagination), unless you win a civil lawsuit.

Large gap between potential and accomplishment

Some articles on Reddit claim that my slave plantation is reorganizing such that every associate is going to do every job in that department. In my case, I am a Lot Attendant in the front end. Allegedly, if the articles are correct, I have to be Cashier and Customer Service too. I hate and fear some of the cashiers and customer service associates. They act like wild animals. They could do anything they want to me and get away with it. I am autistic and sometimes I feel like I can't talk, but that is a moot point. Because even if I talked, nobody would ever believe anything that came out of my beak anyways

Paranoid of getting made redundant

Nobody will ever make the mistake of hiring my worthless corpse again. Government benefits are not guaranteed, sufficient or permanent. Afraid of being homeless and hungry.

Zero job stability or security

My sister told me that she is going to sell the house that I live in and get me an apartment closer to my job, but I am afraid I will end up homeless

Afraid to eat the grub that I crave because afraid of fat.

Sometimes I feel like I can't talk. Coworkers don't understand. Neither does anyone else. Then they make all sorts of wrong assumptions

Precious lil "friends" won't answer the email

Clinically depressed

No matter how much I eat I am still fat

No matter how much I studied still academic dismissal

No matter how hard I worked still made redundant. Plenty of jobs had the nerve to make my worthless corpse redundant. If the current job fires me, nobody will ever make the mistake of hiring my worthless corpse again

Unemployable

Bad work history

Assistant Store Manager Don keeps greeting me every time he sees me, even if I am three aisles over, and even if he is on the phone. I love Don, but I feel like I can't talk. Then maybe that seems curt or rude a maybe Don thinks I don't like him or something

Many trains and buses delayed and cancelled. Sit or stand at the bus stop 46 minutes , even though the bus allegedly comes once every twelve minutes

Grocery prices skyrocketing due to coronavirus

Safeway doesn often have Mediterranean lentil salad

Constantly afraid of getting run over by a car in the parking lot of work or getting raped in the litterbox



AprilR
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23 Jan 2022, 12:40 pm

I don't feel confident about work tomorrow. I am tired from trying to make people like me.
I also don't have much talent in my career field and low social intelligence. But not working and being stuck at home everyday is bad for my mental health. I sometimes miss school days, it gave my life structure and purpose.



Edna3362
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25 Jan 2022, 1:29 am

Not depressed at all.

But disappointed.
Just utterly disappointed.

I always have that lingering feeling of disappointment in me for as long as I could remember.


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Deinonychus
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26 Jan 2022, 5:27 pm

"You are an intolerable piss-stain with a Backpfeifengesicht!" - Aimed at someone I know in the real world...


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Nekomonster
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27 Jan 2022, 5:08 pm

Can't do it. Had the somewhat f****d thought that I wish I had remained nonverbal as a child, as trying to talk to people is too overwhelming, and the more I think about it, the more it's been overwhelming pretty much my entire life from the time I started actually talking. It's like I can't physically choke out the words I need to; like being almost half-nonverbal.


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Kerch
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28 Jan 2022, 6:40 pm

f*****g. Salted. Caramel.

I hate it. It's disgusting. I can't believe somebody once thought "Oh, you know what this ice cream could really use? Some salt."

It's always far too salty, too. More salt than caramel.

But the worst part is that it's replaced all unsalted caramel. You can't get products with normal caramel anymore, it's all salted.


They don't even put it on the f*****g labels anymore.

It just says caramel. That's c*. I'm thinking I'm buring something caramel and it turns out to be salty when I eat it. Makes me want to puke. That s**t should be illegal. Put it on the f*****g label in big bold letters. Don't just say caramel!

And it's starting to bleed into other products as well. A while ago I bought pistacchio ice cream and when I took my first bite it turned out to be salty. At least you can say salt goes well with caramel but honestly I don't even think salted pistacchio nuts taste good. Now every thing that was once sweet is going to have salt in it and there's bugger all we can do about it. We live in a damn dystopia of salty ice cream.



KMCIURA
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Location: Cracow, Poland

29 Jan 2022, 5:52 pm

I’m sick of my NT family.

Last week my dad had his 60’s birthday. He is not diagnosed, but I know him well enough to understand that he does have obvious Asperger's.

He lives alone now. My mother has died 13 years ago, sister moved out soon after, I stayed with him. His flat is pretty big for European standards (74 square meters), it does have a kitchen, a bathroom, toilet and four bedrooms. So when I’ve met my wife, after few months of dating we’ve all agreed for her to move in with us, as it was the most cost effective solution both for her, me and my dad - splitting the bills between three of us has gave him some breathing room as he was not earning much a the time. We lived with him for four years, in the meantime my first kid was born. All this time me and my wife were saving up for a mortgage (you need to have like 18% of total estate value here to get a mortgage) and eventually bought our own flat. Moved out in November 2020. Dad was left alone, but he changed jobs in the meantime, earns more and can manage paying the bills on his own now.

He is a good guy. Loves his granddaughters and seeing that we live in close proximity, visits us often. Wife and kids aside, he is the only member of my family which I have a regular contact with. But he does have his issues – namely, he is not very good at managing his life apart from going to work, cooking, keeping himself and his clothes clean and looking after his fishtank (this is his no.1 hobby, which he had as long as I remember). He is very technically skilled and can fix things around the house, but he is ABSOLUTELY HOPELESS WHEN IT COMES TO CLEANING.

Seriously. He makes a mess, but doesn’t pay attention to it at all. All his life, someone else was doing the chores. My mother (she wasn’t working, was stay at home mother), then me and my sis, them me alone, then me and my wife. Simply because we wanted to live in a clean flat. But now that he lives alone, yeah, it is dirty. I wouldn’t say that it looks like a den of serious junkie of drunk addict, there’s no smell, but things are all over the place, bathtub have like 2mm thick layer of limescale, there’s dirt on the floors and so on.

So, imagine that two weeks ago, my aunt (wife of one of his brothers) god an excellent idea to throw him a surprise party! But not the kind when you invite someone over, but the kind where you crash his place. She called me and asked what I think about it. I’ve told her that it is ungodly stupid idea. She has told me that other people have agreed anyway, so they are going through this plan. You know, instead of booking a place somewhere and taking him there, which is pretty obvious thing to do.

She has contacted my father’s girlfriend (they are dating for years but it seem they are not that close – honestly, it looks like she’s using him) and got her to make sure he won’t be working on a set date. Even though I know aunt is a good person and does want other people to be happy, she is one of those carefree “live love laugh” types I just cannot stand. For example, when my mum was dying of stage IV brain tumour, she was telling her to be positive and everything will work out!

Furthermore, my aunts, uncles, cousins and even dad’s girlfriend has not wisited him since pandemic outbreak. They’ve been meeting from time to time, but never in his flat. So they had no clue about kind of environment he lives in.

So I did the one thing which needed to be done – ruined a surprise. Called dad and told him that family wants to crash his place. Needless to say, he was pissed off, but told me that he will pretend to not know. Thing is, he was working late hours that week. Didn’t have time for thorough clean-up, I’ve helped him a bit but couldn’t do that much seeing that we’ve been at home with two sick kids and I was behind with things at my work. So yeah, flat was in better shape, but still far from being in a good one.

On his birthday, I went to him early (before the hour my family wanted to crash the place) with my older daughter (not diagnosed yet, she’s four, but expressing obvious AS traits). Seen the reactions of people when they arrived. They weren't pleased by what they've seen.

After greetings, we all sat around the table and they started to tell my dad that he has ruined the flat and lives like a bum. He told them that it’s his life, not their problem. Then they’ve started to complain to him that he doesn’t keep in touch with his younger brothers enough. s**t, like they care. I am the only person who cares to help him when he does need help. His brothers won't even call to ask how is he doing, even though they know that he lives alone. His gf told him in front of everyone that they need to have a serious talk. I was like – “you haven’t visited him in here for past two years, making up excuses about COVID and NOW you want to have “the talk”?”. Dad told me to cut it, so I did. Needless to say, the mood wasn’t great.

Out of sudden, my kid has told me that she doesn’t want to sit by the table with these rude people and want to go to the room with fishtank (she loves to watch fish and especially snails, plus my dad keeps a small table for her in there so she can play with some toys we’ve left behind and draw/paint when we visit him). So of course, the conversation has pivoted to her - one of my uncles, who is dumb as a brick (but does have an opinion about every topic) started to ramble that I should set the rules as a father and that they see her so rarely that she should stay with them in the room and furthermore, she should apologize for calling them rude. Most people in the room agreed with him. Worst part is, these idiots are aware that kid is not an NT person (one way or another), does openly speak her mind and doesn’t like to socialise that much.

I told him that she came to visit grandpa, not to meet them and if she wants to watch fish, I’ll go there with her because I had enough. We went to the room and soon were followed by my sister and one of cousins and her bf (she likes kids and have a good connection with my daughter, so got her to play together) because they also had enough. All three left early, I had to go too, to put kid to bed as she was tired already, felt bad to leave dad with these pricks but knew that he will manage.

After that afternoon, I’ve started to hate this part of my family – my uncles, aunts and my father’s gf. They only cared about doing something “fun” to make themselves feel better, to have a party, drink alcohol, eat and talk about some bs, without taking a perspective of my dad into account. They do not want to see him, me or my kid for who we truly are, they expect of us to be like them. They complain how he does not get in touch, but do not give any reason to maintain contact. Why, because they are blood-related? F***, I’m seeing my sister like twice a year and speak with her over the phone only in case of serious matters. We respect each other, but it doesn't mean that we have a need to spend time together.

These people? They bring nothing of value into our lives and always demand to behave in certain ways. I.e. they got offended when me and my wife refused to do a “tour” of their homes with my younger kid soon after she was born (in May 2021), just so they can see her. Yeah, like it’s a perfect idea in the middle of pandemic. Half of them do not believe that pandemic is real, anyway, they think it is some conspiracy to poison people via vaccines to make them more obedient. They still haven’t got over the fact we haven’t baptized our kids and talk behind our back like it's their business. And do not accept that me and my wife are of no faith. They are all religious. But were sure to party hard and drink vodka on our religion-free wedding.

And my dad’s gf… she is living with her father whom she looks after and this is her excuse that the two cannot meet at their homes. Because COVID can kill her father and my dad is a city bus driver, so there’s a risk that he will bring it home (there is no increased risk in reality, seeing that driver’s cabin is enclosed and separated from rest of the bus). But when she needs to do something in the garden, or haul her ass somewhere and so on – she always calls my dad. She gives nothing in return and exploits the fact he is emotionally attached to her. I would be surprised if they are still having any sex.

These folks have narrow, ignorant and arrogant world-view and are mentally stuck in their 20's while they are in their 50's now and have grown-up kids. These people are garbage. F*** them.



Doberdoofus
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29 Jan 2022, 6:04 pm

Next time I see a communication breakdown I will just pull my hair out in silence and not try and mediate, I am too naive and forget occasionally people have agenda's and it's best to stay out of it. Maybe I'm a hypocrite as there are only a few things more annoying than a person who seems to believe they know exactly what’s in your mind when they really have no idea. :roll:


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IsabellaLinton
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29 Jan 2022, 6:23 pm

Seconded ^



Crazy, but that's how it goes
Millions of people living as foes
Maybe it's not too late
To learn how to love
And forget how to hate
Mental wounds not healing
Life's a bitter shame
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train



Joe90
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29 Jan 2022, 7:10 pm

I hate it when you look for audiobooks on YouTube and it's just full of people filming themselves reading a book out loud and thinking they're professional audiobook readers. Um, no. Audiobooks are best listened to when recorded properly in a studio or wherever they get recorded, not some dork sitting on their couch unclearly mumbling words, with speech errors and coughing and pauses and background noises. No, that will not soothe me to sleep. Upload a proper audiobook or don't upload at all.


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brontesavis
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30 Jan 2022, 9:51 pm

God, this is rough.
I don't even know if I can put it into words right now.
I think I just feel... really, really homesick. I've buried it for so long, but I read something today that brought it all back up and it hit me really hard.
I've been homesick for so long. I don't think I ever remember not being homesick. I mean, I suppressed that sh*t so hard that I forgot it was there, but. I really have been missing that sense of community that NT people (and people that otherwise live surrounded by people like them) take for granted.
I want to come home. It somehow hurts more, now that it feels like I have an idea of where to find it, but no way to get there anytime soon.
The past few days, I've been making so much art and trying so hard to love myself, but how am I supposed to do this alone? And please, for the love of god don't tell me I'm not alone. I know that, in many senses, I'm not. But right now, in the ways that matter? I've got nobody, or otherwise only unreachable people.
I write love songs and love poems for... nobody.
I make most of my art for me, but when I feel inspired to write something about the way people's hands fit together, despite never having experienced that, it's a strange, surreal pain.
I finger painted, used colored pencils and crayons, did watercolor, sketched and wrote and rode my bike and even fed the godd*mn birds (I love the birds!), but if there's nobody to share that joy with, it becomes so bitter.
I want to go home.


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