My sister doesn't want me to use aspergers as a shield

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M. H. Fiver
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06 Oct 2021, 12:40 pm

One thing that has really grinded my gears is the fact my sister doesn't want me to act like i have aspergers. She wants me to wear my mask, and she thinks i can just hide it and be a good boy.

Whenever i say i do something because of aspergers, because there are things that i do that aspergers have a heavy influence on, she just tells me to stop using aspergers as a shield.

I know she wants me to improve, but improve here means "Do what i want" which is no i wont i will not do what you want. And that's what makes us such outcasts.

We don't do what we're "supposed" to, and as such nobody wants people that don't obey, so we are alone and sad and missing the simple affection of a warm hug...

Yeah as you see i'm distressed. I know there are things i can't change, but if i'm going to change for selfish people that think i should act like they expect me to, then i'm better off being me, dammit.



AprilR
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06 Oct 2021, 1:14 pm

What behavior does she want you to change?
It is so hurtful of her to say that "you are using a disability as a shield" like what does that even mean? You are a human and you have no control over your brain wiring.

I am sorry that your sister made you feel like that. I feel like even parents and family members are like strangers sometimes. Forget about being supportive, they make you feel bad about yourself and stress you out even more. I hope you have/or Will have supportive people in your life in the future.



M. H. Fiver
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06 Oct 2021, 1:18 pm

AprilR wrote:
What behavior does she want you to change?
It is so hurtful of her to say that "you are using a disability as a shield" like what does that even mean? You are a human and you have no control over your brain wiring.

I am sorry that your sister made you feel like that. I feel like even parents and family members are like strangers sometimes. Forget about being supportive, they make you feel bad about yourself and stress you out even more. I hope you have/or Will have supportive people in your life in the future.

You feel very caring, thank you. I don't think it's a disability what i have, as if i was lesser than others for having it. I just want to be accepted, that's all. To be me and be liked that way.



AprilR
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06 Oct 2021, 1:31 pm

M. H. Fiver wrote:
AprilR wrote:
What behavior does she want you to change?
It is so hurtful of her to say that "you are using a disability as a shield" like what does that even mean? You are a human and you have no control over your brain wiring.

I am sorry that your sister made you feel like that. I feel like even parents and family members are like strangers sometimes. Forget about being supportive, they make you feel bad about yourself and stress you out even more. I hope you have/or Will have supportive people in your life in the future.

You feel very caring, thank you. I don't think it's a disability what i have, as if i was lesser than others for having it. I just want to be accepted, that's all. To be me and be liked that way.


You're welcome, i also don't think it is a disability in the sense that we are inferior to Others. It is a different wiring of the brain that means we have a different skillset than nt s. Some neurotypicals struggle with some things that are super easy to me, likewise we struggle with some things that are easy to them. Just because it is different doesn't mean our difficulties or struggles are less valid.



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06 Oct 2021, 1:38 pm

Doing something that could protect your health and save your life is more important than considering whether or not someone else wanting you to do it.  I have no problem doing what needs to be done; and if someone else thinks I should do it anyway, then so be it!



M. H. Fiver
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06 Oct 2021, 3:30 pm

Fnord wrote:
Doing something that could protect your health and save your life is more important than considering whether or not someone else wanting you to do it.  I have no problem doing what needs to be done; and if someone else thinks I should do it anyway, then so be it!

There is nothing life or health threatening here. They are just minor annoyances that my sister thinks i should stop doing because she doesn't like it. There's nothing about my health or life there. In fact, it can be very bad for my already ailing anxiety, so she is not right on doing that to me, and i don't think i deserve her harassment for things that do nothing than annoy her and her alone

I understand that you're trying to tell me to just do what i need to do in order to feel good, but i've been conditioned to be compassionate even when it hurts me, which doesn't help in this case...



Fnord
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06 Oct 2021, 3:34 pm

M. H. Fiver wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Doing something that could protect your health and save your life is more important than considering whether or not someone else wanting you to do it.  I have no problem doing what needs to be done; and if someone else thinks I should do it anyway, then so be it!
There is nothing life or health threatening here. They are just minor annoyances that my sister thinks i should stop doing because she doesn't like it. There's nothing about my health or life there. In fact, it can be very bad for my already ailing anxiety, so she is not right on doing that to me, and i don't think i deserve her harassment for things that do nothing than annoy her and her alone
So when you said your sister wanted you to wear your mask, you were not referring to a physical mask -- such as is used to mitigate the transmission of the coronavirus -- but to the act of masking your ASD-related behaviors.  Is this a correct assumption?



M. H. Fiver
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06 Oct 2021, 3:42 pm

Fnord wrote:
M. H. Fiver wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Doing something that could protect your health and save your life is more important than considering whether or not someone else wanting you to do it.  I have no problem doing what needs to be done; and if someone else thinks I should do it anyway, then so be it!
There is nothing life or health threatening here. They are just minor annoyances that my sister thinks i should stop doing because she doesn't like it. There's nothing about my health or life there. In fact, it can be very bad for my already ailing anxiety, so she is not right on doing that to me, and i don't think i deserve her harassment for things that do nothing than annoy her and her alone
So when you said your sister wanted you to wear your mask, you were not referring to a physical mask -- such as is used to mitigate the transmission of the coronavirus -- but to the act of masking your ASD-related behaviors.  Is this a correct assumption?

Oh sorry! Yes, it's the mask as in acting like a NT person.



Last edited by M. H. Fiver on 06 Oct 2021, 4:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Fnord
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06 Oct 2021, 3:49 pm

M. H. Fiver wrote:
Fnord wrote:
M. H. Fiver wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Doing something that could protect your health and save your life is more important than considering whether or not someone else wanting you to do it.  I have no problem doing what needs to be done; and if someone else thinks I should do it anyway, then so be it!
There is nothing life or health threatening here. They are just minor annoyances that my sister thinks i should stop doing because she doesn't like it. There's nothing about my health or life there. In fact, it can be very bad for my already ailing anxiety, so she is not right on doing that to me, and i don't think i deserve her harassment for things that do nothing than annoy her and her alone
So when you said your sister wanted you to wear your mask, you were not referring to a physical mask -- such as is used to mitigate the transmission of the coronavirus -- but to the act of masking your ASD-related behaviors.  Is this a correct assumption?
Oh sorry! Yes, it's the mask as in acting like a NP person.
I apologize.  I often must point out to my NT wife that if there are two assumptions to make about something she said, then I will make the wrong assumption about half the time.  This seems to be one of those times.



M. H. Fiver
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06 Oct 2021, 4:04 pm

That is completely reasonable, Fnord. I also didn't understand your response at first but we all came down to an understanding in the end.

But yeah, this "mask" is getting difficult to wear, and i feel my sense of what is me and what is the "mask" blending together and deteriorating my sanity



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06 Oct 2021, 4:30 pm

M. H. Fiver wrote:
But yeah, this "mask" is getting difficult to wear, and i feel my sense of what is me and what is the "mask" blending together and deteriorating my sanity

Doesn't it mean you are internalizing behavior your sister wants your to adopt and thus it is not really a mask anymore? Every day I deliberately work on developing some good habits until they become part of me, some are just good habits in general, some habits/skills that improve my socialization, habits I didn't develop due to being oblivious this is how you supposed to act. And I work on getting rid of some bad habits, including some habits I developed due to having "social blindness", like intrusion of personal space. If you can adopt some of these habits and get rid of some mild annoyances to the point you can't tell it's not part of you, why do you see it as something bad?



M. H. Fiver
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06 Oct 2021, 4:42 pm

badRobot wrote:
M. H. Fiver wrote:
But yeah, this "mask" is getting difficult to wear, and i feel my sense of what is me and what is the "mask" blending together and deteriorating my sanity

Doesn't it mean you are internalizing behavior your sister wants your to adopt and thus it is not really a mask anymore? Every day I deliberately work on developing some good habits until they become part of me, some are just good habits in general, some habits/skills that improve my socialization, habits I didn't develop due to being oblivious this is how you supposed to act. And I work on getting rid of some bad habits, including some habits I developed due to having "social blindness", like intrusion of personal space. If you can adopt some of these habits and get rid of some mild annoyances to the point you can't tell it's not part of you, why do you see it as something bad?

Because this kind of habit building deteriorates my already weak mental health. All of those take more anxiety to use, more depression to develop. I do nothing that is outrageously socially unnaceptable to warrant that kind of pavlovian reeducation. What is bad or good is for me to decide, not them.



badRobot
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06 Oct 2021, 5:04 pm

M. H. Fiver wrote:
Because this kind of habit building deteriorates my already weak mental health. All of those take more anxiety to use, more depression to develop. I do nothing that is outrageously socially unnaceptable to warrant that kind of pavlovian reeducation. What is bad or good is for me to decide, not them.

Yes, building habits is hard, but when it becomes second nature, it makes life much easier. I get that we all want to be accepted for who we are, but also we live in a society where book is often judged by the cover and sometimes you don't have a second chance to make first impression. If you are capable of developing some habits that will make your life easier, I don't see why not. Every successful person is successful because they consistently develop good habits, it doesn't matter, NT or ASD.

Anxiety and depression sprout from inside and then our brain comes up with a rational explanation why you feel bad. Do you exercise regularly, eating healthy, get enough sunlight every day? Playing too much videogames much more likely to make you depressed then learning something useful.

Don't get me wrong. I don't advocate for losing who you are. I'm not really trying to pretend to be NT anymore, but still trying to learn objectively good behaviors and get rid of something objectively annoying, not matter if it has something with ASD or not. You said you can't tell difference between "mask" and yourself, this is something I'm putting a lot of effort to achieve with some of my skills and habits. I would see it as an absolute win. Just wanted to share my perspective with you.



magz
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07 Oct 2021, 3:10 am

One thing: you are a grown up man.
You can consider opinions of other people but the choice on what you do and what you don't do is yours.
The fine balance between social norms and being yourself is also up to you to figure out.
Masking, while useful short term to gets things done, destroys mental health in long run. I know it too well.


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magz
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07 Oct 2021, 4:08 am

If you want my opinion, the question is: are the behaviors in question just annoying or actually harming?
For me, this is the fundamental difference on which I would base my decisions on what to do.
And, the other: how big is the difference they make to you?


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07 Oct 2021, 4:57 am

magz wrote:
Masking, while useful short term to gets things done, destroys mental health in long run. I know it too well.

It is worth noting that adopting behaviors you supposed to wear as a "mask" is a way to stop masking and it applies to NTs just as much. Thriving to act and look the way I would not be embarrassed to act and look in public even when I'm completely alone, doing it out of self-respect and not to please others is part of my mental health framework.