Why I hate the "matter of fact" talk

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babybird
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16 Oct 2021, 3:10 pm

If I had a cat it would either live outside or I would have a cat flap installed. Then it would have the choice.

You and this girl would never have worked out even if her parents had have installed a cat flap for her. Her choice in the end would have been to stay indoors and read the bible with her folks.

I'm sorry you went through such mental distress and torture with all of this at a young age. I hope you find what you need in the future.



CubsBullsBears
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27 Oct 2021, 12:51 am

I have been thinking about the situation earlier this year where that b**ch contributed to my still ongoing singlehood by refusing to set me up with a friend of hers and how I got a lot of responses saying that I shouldn't have butted in, which implied to me that y'all were saying that I deserved that kind of treatment. In fact, I oftentimes feel like it's just all about berating me. If it was me bringing my new girlfriend to a gathering that I KNEW my ex would be at, and one of the ex's friends texted me and was like "that was heartless of you to bring your new girlfriend when your ex was also there", I'm certain you all would've been like "She does have a point. Your ex is already going thru enough".

Months after I was banned from seeing that one girl, I did date another girl for 5 months. However, she had intellectual disabilities and I realized it was not what I wanted in a relationship. After thinking about it for a while, one day I decided that I was going to break up with her that day. I didn't want to just fake any "I love you"s so I decided I had to do it right then and there. Basically I realized that she was out of town and that I wouldn't be able to see her until the next day, so I ended up breaking up with her over text. I had seen on this girls mom's Facebook page that she(the mom)and her friends hated me for breaking up with her over text, even calling me some names.

The question I had gotten from that was this: where was that outrage when those parents were meddling in the relationship I had with that other girl? Even if there was absolutely nothing anyone could've done about it, it would've been better if people were as upset about it as I was, 'cause then it would feel more like they got my back that with what actually happened, which was to tell me to "respect their wishes" no matter how berzerk those wishes are.

Well, I do realize one aspect of why there was a lack of outrage with the parents; because they are parents and I'm a young adult male. Well, I got news for you: parents are just as capable of failing to do the correct thing as people my age are. But no, society still insists on always giving parents the benefit of the doubt.

The point of this is to not argue with people, but rather an attempt for me to better understand why all those things have been said to me, so that I can feel more comfortable with you all going forward. It makes me not want to post on here when all I'm getting makes me feel "less than" and everyone seeming supportive of the people screwing me over. I've been trying to do that with people I know personally, too.



kraftiekortie
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27 Oct 2021, 7:52 am

I don't believe you "deserve that kind of treatment."

I've been in the same situation as you. I obsessed over a girl for a couple of years after we drifted apart (we didn't "officially break up," because she didn't think we "had anything"). I guess the difference is that there were no parents to stop her; she just stopped desiring me under her own volition.

It was a pretty lousy couple of years. I did a few things that I regret (though, luckily, it didn't get to the point where I was committing a crime).

The only solution to this mess is just to move on.



goldfish21
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27 Oct 2021, 12:55 pm

CubsBullsBears wrote:
I have been thinking about the situation earlier this year where that b**ch contributed to my still ongoing singlehood by refusing to set me up with a friend of hers and how I got a lot of responses saying that I shouldn't have butted in, which implied to me that y'all were saying that I deserved that kind of treatment. In fact, I oftentimes feel like it's just all about berating me. If it was me bringing my new girlfriend to a gathering that I KNEW my ex would be at, and one of the ex's friends texted me and was like "that was heartless of you to bring your new girlfriend when your ex was also there", I'm certain you all would've been like "She does have a point. Your ex is already going thru enough".

Months after I was banned from seeing that one girl, I did date another girl for 5 months. However, she had intellectual disabilities and I realized it was not what I wanted in a relationship. After thinking about it for a while, one day I decided that I was going to break up with her that day. I didn't want to just fake any "I love you"s so I decided I had to do it right then and there. Basically I realized that she was out of town and that I wouldn't be able to see her until the next day, so I ended up breaking up with her over text. I had seen on this girls mom's Facebook page that she(the mom)and her friends hated me for breaking up with her over text, even calling me some names.

The question I had gotten from that was this: where was that outrage when those parents were meddling in the relationship I had with that other girl? Even if there was absolutely nothing anyone could've done about it, it would've been better if people were as upset about it as I was, 'cause then it would feel more like they got my back that with what actually happened, which was to tell me to "respect their wishes" no matter how berzerk those wishes are.

Well, I do realize one aspect of why there was a lack of outrage with the parents; because they are parents and I'm a young adult male. Well, I got news for you: parents are just as capable of failing to do the correct thing as people my age are. But no, society still insists on always giving parents the benefit of the doubt.

The point of this is to not argue with people, but rather an attempt for me to better understand why all those things have been said to me, so that I can feel more comfortable with you all going forward. It makes me not want to post on here when all I'm getting makes me feel "less than" and everyone seeming supportive of the people screwing me over. I've been trying to do that with people I know personally, too.


It seems you’re getting feedback about your social impairments and you don’t like it so you’re upset with those explaining things to you.

Instead, especially when multiple people are telling you similar things, take a step back and learn something from it. Accept that your POV may be skewed, biased, or flat out wrong on some things and that others with more life and social experience aren’t picking on you, they’re taking a moment out of their day to help bring you up to speed on the realities of interacting with dates, partners, breakups, and significant others’ parents - especially those of teenagers/under the age of majority/not yet adults who call the shots for their childrens’ lives.

No one’s maliciously been kicking you when you’re down. They’ve been trying to give you a crash course in the things you don’t intuitively grasp on your own.




As for people griping about a breakup over text being equated with people not griping about parents of a teenaged girl making parenting decisions that are none of anyone else’ business - these two things are apples to oranges. In one case peoples’ opinion is that a text breakup is cold and impersonal - perhaps, and they’re entitled to their opinions, but they’re also fairly common and sometimes the only “easy,” option for people who don’t like to break bad news in person ever. At least it was kinder than ghosting. Meh, whatever, don’t worry too much about their judgements. In the other case you’re asking for others to pass judgement on the girls parents, aligned with your thoughts and feelings, and to express those thoughts to those parents. No. They’re all correct in saying “It’s those parents’ parenting decisions to make about their daughter and it’s none of my business to get involved or tell them I disapprove of their decision on your behalf.” Relationships aren’t a team vs team thing - you and this girl want to be together? Make adult decisions to do so and find a way. She doesn’t want to be with you? (She’s an adult now and can make her own decisions.) Accept that and move on with your life vs dwell on it forever as if you choose the latter you’re still going to be stewing about this in a decade or two and you’ll be solely responsible for stealing your own happiness away by wasting your life worrying about past events you cannot change.


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kraftiekortie
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28 Oct 2021, 6:23 am

I believe it’s time to move on from her. That’s the only solution. It’s a mess you can’t clean up.

There’s other fish in the sea, as the cliche goes.

How would you feel if that other girl started constantly trying to get back with you? She’s smart enough to have moved on, despite having “intellectual disabilities.”

I understand you might not feel like listening right now….but maybe, some day, you will see the reasoning behind the advice we have given you.



that1weirdgrrrl
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28 Oct 2021, 6:34 pm

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Many teens feel this way because they dont get to have the kind of control they want over their lives.

My best friend and I were torn apart because my parents had a fight with her parents. It didn't matter what her or I thought or wanted. We were 14 and our parents hated each other so end of story.

Another friend was forced to break up with girlfriend because his parents moved him across the country when he was 14. Didn't matter what he or the girl wanted.

I'm not saying to discount your feeling, I'm saying your feeling is very relatable and understandable.


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CubsBullsBears
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28 Oct 2021, 10:14 pm

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Many teens feel this way because they dont get to have the kind of control they want over their lives.
Even as an adult, any sort of crap could hit me at any time. We pretty much had to put a lot of our lives on hold during COVID. There’s still been strict COVID restrictions in Australia and such. I hate to see people dealing with that. That girl who prevented me from meeting someone CHOSE to hold such a grudge with me MONTHS later because I gave her my opinion on her bringing her new BF to a gathering she knew her ex was gonna be at. And all that does is set me back in a quest to find a girlfriend.



goldfish21
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29 Oct 2021, 10:59 am

CubsBullsBears wrote:
that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Many teens feel this way because they dont get to have the kind of control they want over their lives.
Even as an adult, any sort of crap could hit me at any time. We pretty much had to put a lot of our lives on hold during COVID. There’s still been strict COVID restrictions in Australia and such. I hate to see people dealing with that. That girl who prevented me from meeting someone CHOSE to hold such a grudge with me MONTHS later because I gave her my opinion on her bringing her new BF to a gathering she knew her ex was gonna be at. And all that does is set me back in a quest to find a girlfriend.


So, what did you learn from this experience about openly stating your opinion(s) about other peoples’ relationships & social decisions?


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Ettina
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29 Oct 2021, 6:12 pm

CubsBullsBears wrote:
I have been thinking about the situation earlier this year where that b**ch contributed to my still ongoing singlehood by refusing to set me up with a friend of hers and how I got a lot of responses saying that I shouldn't have butted in, which implied to me that y'all were saying that I deserved that kind of treatment. In fact, I oftentimes feel like it's just all about berating me. If it was me bringing my new girlfriend to a gathering that I KNEW my ex would be at, and one of the ex's friends texted me and was like "that was heartless of you to bring your new girlfriend when your ex was also there", I'm certain you all would've been like "She does have a point. Your ex is already going thru enough".


She's not obligated to set you up with her friend. Her first loyalty is to her friend, and if she doesn't think you'd make her friend happy, she shouldn't set you up with her friend. I certainly wouldn't set up a friend with someone who calls women b*****s and blames them for him being single, because someone like that probably won't be a good relationship partner.

You aren't owed a girlfriend. Women don't have to put up with you just because you're unhappy being single. Women are people, too, and deserve the same rights as men.



kraftiekortie
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31 Oct 2021, 7:03 pm

The CubsBears guy is a decent guy.

He just should move on.



goldfish21
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01 Nov 2021, 3:05 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
The CubsBears guy is a decent guy.

He just should move on.


Oh ya, definitely.. no one is saying he's an A-hole; just pointing out social things he needs to learn that obvi don't come naturally to him.


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01 Nov 2021, 3:25 pm

I see. You wanted sympathy and someone to vent to. I'm sorry that you miss her.



Those of us who snuck around behind our parents backs can assure you that if she wanted to she would have. Granted my parents weren't that strict, but still, I knew I "shouldn't" have been hanging out with this older guy when I was 16. He actually turned out be a total jerk, so I was wrong, but still.

If she wanted to she would. Move on to someone better suited to you and let her find someone better suited to her.