Why won't my mother in law just DIE already?

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ibmat5170
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12 Jan 2022, 10:00 am

My mother in law has terminal cancer. In July 2021, she was admitted to the hospital because her legs hurt and she couldn't get up. It turned out it was blood clots pooling in her main artery that carries blood to the lower half of your body. They said in females, especially, with cancer, blood clots are common. They operated to remove the clots and restore blood flow, which did happen. However she remained admitted until October because they were trying to do physical therapy to get her to walk again, which was not successful. But not for lack of trying on her part. during these months she was not at home, I or my wife had to use our new car (miles) and (gas) to drive 12 miles twice per day to let my MIL's horrible little dog out. I do not like dogs, mainly because they do not respect personal space and because they lick. I especially hate my MIL's dog. They allow it to be on the FURNITURE, which ruins it and makes it smell like dog. Anyways, this whole time Im having to save money and budget for the extra gas, which takes away from my vintage computer hobby, and also the trips put wear and tear on the car, more so than normal, because when im upset, I drive aggressively, and anything to with that dog makes me upset.
Finally, when September ends, the hospital says that they have exhausted all options and that MIL is ready for hospice care. Now, MIL says she won't just go die in a hospice facility, she wants to die in her own s**thole of a house. My wife, she decides that she is going to be the one to live with MIL until she dies, without really weighing any input from me. Now, she has a work from home job that lets her set her own schedule and its all internet based, so she still pays rent while I pay the car payment, and we split the other bills. the financials haven't changed. But now, I'm all alone all the time in this apartment, and "mom" won't die. Its been 3 months and Im beginning to be extremely sad and depressed. Nobody is home to make me feel good about myself or for me to say "Hey, kritsy, come look at this game I made for the Apple II" or something like that. I dont even bother cooking anymore because nobody is here to compliment me on it. So I buy frozen meals. I derive my self esteem from the compliments or criticism provided to me by others. I am not emotionally independent or confident. Nor do I WANT to be. I love the admiration and attention from others. That is something I rarely get in my line of work. I'm an IT guy, and I do most of my work remotely, and most of my clients are frustrated Karens who hate the IT guy when they dont get the answer they want to hear. I mean my wife picked her MOM over her HUSBAND. And its really pissing me off that nobody cares how I feel. Nobody cares that I'm lonely. And all anybody ever says is stuff like "Poor dog. she must miss being able to lay next to mom". Like who gives a rat's ass what the DOG wants? How about Poor ME?! My wife moved 12 miles away to a house with no stove. I have nobody to sleep next to at night. So I know it sounds terrible, but I wish the woman would just die already so my wife could come home, and I can be happy again.



Joe90
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12 Jan 2022, 11:56 am

Your stepmum has cancer, and cancer is a big deal. My mum died of cancer. This may sound harsh, and I hate being blunt but it seems like you're thinking of yourself here and not your wife or her mum. I know it might be frustrating for you but you can't wish death upon someone who is suffering with cancer, it's just insensitive. Your wife will come back to you, but right now she has a commitment. You need to be a bit more supportive, phone your wife every day or every other day and ask how she's feeling and how her mum is, tell your wife you miss her but understand that she needs to take care of her dying mum.

I'm sorry I was blunt but it does seem you are only thinking of yourself. I will understand if you want to attack me for this, but before you do, just try to think about the situation.


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Trueno
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12 Jan 2022, 12:16 pm

If you gave your wife some support here she might just end up thinking what a great guy you are. If you carry on like you describe you might end up sleeping alone for a very long time.


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Blue_Star
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12 Jan 2022, 12:23 pm

Do you work from home? If not, is your job the opposite way from the MiL's house? Otherwise I'm wondering why you guys didn't bring the dog home (crate when aslp/gone & get baby gates to keep dog in kitchen or other easily cleaned area). Or why can't you go stay with your wife at the MiL's house? Financially, her staying there makes sense over driving. And emotionally, she likely needs the time with her dying mother. It is not on her to be your only friend & always prop you up (alone). Some of that you need to find in yourself &/or spread between other friends.

EtA: I hope she never reads that you wished your MiL would just die.



ibmat5170
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12 Jan 2022, 4:58 pm

Blue_Star wrote:
Do you work from home? If not, is your job the opposite way from the MiL's house? Otherwise I'm wondering why you guys didn't bring the dog home (crate when aslp/gone & get baby gates to keep dog in kitchen or other easily cleaned area). Or why can't you go stay with your wife at the MiL's house? Financially, her staying there makes sense over driving. And emotionally, she likely needs the time with her dying mother. It is not on her to be your only friend & always prop you up (alone). Some of that you need to find in yourself &/or spread between other friends.

EtA: I hope she never reads that you wished your MiL would just die.


To answer the part about the dog: A.) We rent and dogs are not allowed, and even if they were: I hate this dog. Nothing else in the world brings me such anger and violent feelings as when I see this dog. When MIL does pass away, this dog is NOT coming to live with us. I will die on that hill. I will get a divorce over it. There is no way this dog is going to be in a home that I pay for.

To answer the part of living with wife and MIL: MIL's house is a s**thole. The driveway is not paved, and she doesnt even have a stove. Her internet is not fast enough for me to work from home. and there Is the dog. I will not live with that spawn of satan. The only thing on earth worse than being alone is being forced to live with that dog (really any dog, but this dog in particular is terrible)



ezbzbfcg2
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12 Jan 2022, 5:11 pm

Vibe I'm getting - just speculation:

If the OP's mother was dying, he'd demand his wife attend to her every need and request prayers for his mother's recovery. If his wife wished the his mother would just die already, he'd be filing for a divorce or scolding her for her insensitivity toward his precious mother. But when the tables are turned, he can't be bothered dealing with this burden (a BIG part of being married...in-laws and all). There's a selfish irony I see here.

OP is entitled to his feelings, but seems very ME-centric.



ibmat5170
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12 Jan 2022, 6:49 pm

ezbzbfcg2 wrote:
Vibe I'm getting - just speculation:

If the OP's mother was dying, he'd demand his wife attend to her every need and request prayers for his mother's recovery. If his wife wished the his mother would just die already, he'd be filing for a divorce or scolding her for her insensitivity toward his precious mother. But when the tables are turned, he can't be bothered dealing with this burden (a BIG part of being married...in-laws and all). There's a selfish irony I see here.

OP is entitled to his feelings, but seems very ME-centric.



While I am extremely self centered, I must admit I was a bit rash in the title. My MIL has been there when my own parents refused to help us, and despite her current condition, she has continued to offer money and support from her hospice bed. I was having a moment. An extra lonely moment. I think im going to reach out to one of my friends who lives a few hours away and invite him to come over for Netflix and chill. Ozarks debuts the 4th season soon so I want to re-watch the first 3 seasons again to get the story fresh. Anyways, the choice my wife made, is why I love her so much, she's so attentive and loving and I guess she needs to focus on her mom right now... Plus when her mom dies, we get to sell the house and s**thole or not, in this real estate climate, we will end up with more money than Ive ever seen. Probably close to $80,000. My wife will finally be able to buy herself a car and actually pick it, and I will be able to pay off my 28% interest car loan. And that dog will be going to the pound to be destroyed. I just have to be patient I guess. Not my strong suit.



ibmat5170
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12 Jan 2022, 6:57 pm

ezbzbfcg2 wrote:
Vibe I'm getting - just speculation:

If the OP's mother was dying, he'd demand his wife attend to her every need and request prayers for his mother's recovery. If his wife wished the his mother would just die already, he'd be filing for a divorce or scolding her for her insensitivity toward his precious mother. But when the tables are turned, he can't be bothered dealing with this burden (a BIG part of being married...in-laws and all). There's a selfish irony I see here.

OP is entitled to his feelings, but seems very ME-centric.


Correction: My own mother said on September 4th, 1999 that she wished she would have aborted me. I can start another thread if you want the whole story on that, but she said it when I was 15 years old and I will never forgive her for that, nor did she ever stop my abusive father from taking away electronics I paid for, or from smacking me and hitting me. She stood idly by while this abusive man forced me to attend church, and when I came out as bi, she allowed this man to berate me and call me names and never once intervened. So if she becomes terminal, she can use that mans money to pay for health care. I will visit twice, once upon diagnosis, and once when it is close to her death. so you are wrong. I would not ask my wife to jump thru hoops if it were my mother.



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12 Jan 2022, 7:06 pm

I'm glad to hear it (your post before the above). It seems you were just having a meltdown or outburst or something when you started this thread, and harsh things get said that you don't really mean. That is quite normal. I said something quite harsh when I was having a meltdown because of the lockdowns back in 2020, but I didn't mean it one bit. Sometimes saying bad things gets the anger out and illustrates your emotions, gets people to listen and see how upset you really are. It's quite normal, whether you're NT or autistic or whatever.

I'm glad you've calmed down a bit and have thought things through. Keep posting on WP too, that usually keeps me from feeling lonely if I'm on my own.


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txfz1
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12 Jan 2022, 8:51 pm

Thanks for the correction/clarification, I understand moments. One thing you might consider is a foster for the dog, just a little time spent in research will result with the dog, another living animal with feelings, live out its life in peace....



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13 Jan 2022, 12:17 am

Newsflash:

When your wife's mother dies and she comes home she's going to be grieving soooo it'll be highly inappropriate for you to be going around with a great big happy grin on your face. You're going to have to put an effort into consoling your grieving wife who just lost her mother.


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14 Jan 2022, 4:39 am

ibmat5170 wrote:
I derive my self esteem from the compliments or criticism provided to me by others. I am not emotionally independent or confident. Nor do I WANT to be. I love the admiration and attention from others. That is something I rarely get in my line of work. I'm an IT guy, and I do most of my work remotely, and most of my clients are frustrated Karens who hate the IT guy when they dont get the answer they want to hear. I mean my wife picked her MOM over her HUSBAND.


You may now think you were being rash in the title, but actually, I kind of agree with you. I had a similar mother to yours, utterly selfish, she had me to get child support and smoked her way through our income instead of buying me things like school uniforms, she hated her life and was just a drain on society. She sent me many suicide letters, which I now realize were just to get attention and then finally died of natural causes, so she couldn't even do that right. I think society is brainwashed into thinking everyone is immortal, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, so some people live on way past a dignified end, which is senseless. And then when people like us call them out, it's considered wrong and shocking.

I also respect the fact that you acknowledge that you derive your self-esteem from others. I've found that it's not particularly reliable, but many people do it, I do it a little bit, the difference is that you know you are doing it and it's a conscious choice. You know yourself, you know what you want and that's great. Ultimately you can't control those around you and they will be what they will be. The only thing I would say is that you might want to put yourself in your wife's position, think about what she wants, what would make her happy, so that she wants to come back to you when it's all over and then you can return to normal.


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15 Jan 2022, 12:27 pm

I think a lot of people in your shoes would feel some hurt and resentment, especially if they had a troubled relationship with their own mother, but would push it down and not acknowledge it, even to themselves. It's not necessarily a bad thing you're being honest with yourself about how you're feeling, but like others have said, sharing all of this with your wife and not being supportive would be different. Hope you can vent here to get it out of your system, then do all you can to show her support and patience during this time. Like others have said, your MIL's illness and your wife's living arrangement is temporary, but the ramifications to your marriage of how you handle yourself during this time won't be.



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16 Jan 2022, 4:03 am

I get why you're upset. I've never heard of someone just leaving behind their spouse bc a family member only has some time left to live. Even if someone has to be with your MIL 24/7, isn't there other family members that can help care for her? If I were you, I would be more upset at your wife than your MIL. I'm not one to suggest to people that they should leave a relationship. If you and your wife want to stay married moving forward, great('cause at least you are stating that you want her to come back home). But your reason for being frustrated is valid. I could see a divorce being in order if your wife doesn't understand your frustration, at the very least.

Also, could I maybe try to help soften your feelings on dogs? I'm not someone who would want to own a dog. They are too much work and have bad breath. But I still find dogs adorable in their own way. More importantly, they're living animals with feelings. The way you said MIL's dog behaves is very ordinary dog behavior. Try to keep that in mind next time you're around that doggy.

Hope all that helped. Good luck to you.


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16 Jan 2022, 4:28 am

ibmat5170 wrote:
I mean my wife picked her MOM over her HUSBAND. And its really pissing me off that nobody cares how I feel. Nobody cares that I'm lonely. And all anybody ever says is stuff like "Poor dog. she must miss being able to lay next to mom". Like who gives a rat's ass what the DOG wants? How about Poor ME?! My wife moved 12 miles away to a house with no stove. I have nobody to sleep next to at night. So I know it sounds terrible, but I wish the woman would just die already so my wife could come home, and I can be happy again.


OMG dude! please note you are coming across horribly selfish. There's no mincing words.

Please be supportive to your poor wife, put yourself in her shoes, this is her mother who is probably suffering.

You are giving autistic men a horrible rep. Please don't.



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16 Jan 2022, 4:43 am

CubsBullsBears wrote:
I get why you're upset. I've never heard of someone just leaving behind their spouse bc a family member only has some time left to live.


I have a friend doing this right now. She's in another town looking after her mother. No other relatives in this country.

Also you've recognised the reason as because the sick family member "only has some time left to live", but you're treating that reason the same as, " just because they have a headache".

A dying relative is a major thing. Huge! You've only got a short time left with them, so you'll use that time to spend asuvh time as possible with someone you love who you will never see again.

Why don't you get that!! !

Mind boggles