Dumped by a friend. Again.

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Mountain Goat
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29 Oct 2022, 3:49 pm

KitLily wrote:
An update about these two friends, as I have no one else to tell.

One of them sent a letter, concerned about why I'd disappeared. And we met up for coffee! I was astounded. Normally this NEVER happens- people get offended by me and I never see them again. The friend's husband has been very ill and she had been busy with him. She is in her 70s and he is in his 80s, so they do get ill quite a bit. But she actually mentioned meeting up for my birthday soon! I am astonished by this development.

The second friend is still out of contact. She is active on Facebook, posting events she goes to with her friends, but has completely moved on from me. It hurts me because she used to say what a dear friend I was, but obviously something has gone wrong and she has other friends now. Hey ho. I kind of think about going through all our texts to see if it was something I said, but I can't remember all our face to face conversations, and it is crazy-making to comb through everything looking for clues. So I'm not going to do it!

As I keep saying, we're moving away in 2 years time so I'll get a fresh start anyway. If I don't have any friends here, I won't have anyone to miss.

I have given up making friends and I just go along doing my own thing now. C'est la vie.


Will you be moving to France?



DuckHairback
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30 Oct 2022, 4:03 am

KitLily wrote:
One of them sent a letter, concerned about why I'd disappeared. And we met up for coffee! I was astounded. Normally this NEVER happens- people get offended by me and I never see them again.


I'm really glad that happened for you. It's been a sort of a dream of mine for a long time that someone would get in touch with me and ask to see me, rather than the other way around. I hope that friendship continues to develop.

I'm starting to wonder if older friends might be the way to go. People of my age are so wrapped up in their families and work it's hard to get enough time with them to build a proper friendship, and easy to discard it at the first sign it gets difficult.

Older people maybe have more time, and more need, for company?


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KitLily
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30 Oct 2022, 4:49 am

Mountain Goat wrote:

Will you be moving to France?


If only! The French actually fight their government and don't just roll over and accept bad treatment. Plus we could get EU good things again.


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KitLily
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30 Oct 2022, 4:54 am

DuckHairback wrote:
KitLily wrote:
One of them sent a letter, concerned about why I'd disappeared. And we met up for coffee! I was astounded. Normally this NEVER happens- people get offended by me and I never see them again.


I'm really glad that happened for you. It's been a sort of a dream of mine for a long time that someone would get in touch with me and ask to see me, rather than the other way around. I hope that friendship continues to develop.

I'm starting to wonder if older friends might be the way to go. People of my age are so wrapped up in their families and work it's hard to get enough time with them to build a proper friendship, and easy to discard it at the first sign it gets difficult.

Older people maybe have more time, and more need, for company?


It's so rare isn't it, that people get in touch out of the blue and want to see us. I had a surprise Christmas card from an old friend one year. I sent one back but never heard from her again. When I left Facebook I had a surprise email from an old friend. We exchanged a few emails but that ended abruptly.

I think there are just sooooo many opportunities for friendship online now that people can't be bothered with anyone who even slightly disagrees with them. A member of WP put forward this idea and I think she is right. There are just too many people to choose from now, so it's hard to make lasting connections. And the minute we say something even slightly contrary to what they believe, we're cancelled.

Now days I count myself lucky if I get a few nice interactions with people each day e.g. the postman!

The trouble with this one friend of mine is that she is a raging Tory! Sometimes the things she says are awful. She adores Boris Johnson etc. But my pool of potential friends here in the village is so tiny that I don't have any other choices.


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czarsmom
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01 Nov 2022, 7:23 pm

KitLily wrote:
As I suspected, 1 of my 2 friends has disappeared.

I noticed that over the last 8 months she has cancelled our last 2 'coffee dates'. She said it was because her son was ill but I don't know if that is true. Then she kept saying 'we must meet for coffee, I'll check my shift rota.' She works in a convenience store, I'm a freelance editor so I'm more flexible.

And that was a month ago. In our friendship, I'm always the one who texts 'hi how are you?' and asks about her life. She isn't the one who makes the first move. Because she is one of those people who has loads of friends, she knows everyone locally and is very popular. I'm probably just some weirdo she felt sorry for. We actually made friends because we both have very selfish and manipulative mothers. But her mother died a few years ago and mine moved away a few years ago. So maybe we don't have that in common anymore.

The thing is, she probably has a situation happening in her life right now. But so have I. Recently after 17 years of feeling lonely, frightened, excluded, I couldn't take anymore and smashed the kitchen windows, there was glass everywhere. I've been bottling up my feelings for all those years, being the perfect wife and mum, putting everyone else first. And for what? Just to be ignored, excluded, left to struggle on alone.

But at last my husband realised there is something very wrong. He contacted the doctor and made an appointment for me. I didn't go because what's the point? They'll just say 'you can't just give up, other people rely on you.' Whoopee doo. So I'm just valuable in life in relation to other people. Obviously I'm not valuable as an individual.

I hoped my friend would break the habit of waiting for me to contact her and take the initiative. But she hasn't.



I can relate to several things in your post. I relate to being a wife and mom who puts other people's needs first and being taken for granted and not appreciated.

I also relate to having friends dump you. I had what I thought was a good friend for 12 years, but she moved out of state in May 2020, and she blew me off after she moved. I noticed that she was distancing herself from me, but I thought it was just because of the lockdown.

I'm sorry to say, that most people look down on those of us on the spectrum, because we are different, and lack social skills, and in other people's eyes, this makes us less valuable. They are wrong of course, but since NT's are in the majority, what they say usually goes.

I've also melted down, and broken the glass panel in my back door.


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02 Nov 2022, 12:19 pm

czarsmom wrote:
I can relate to several things in your post. I relate to being a wife and mom who puts other people's needs first and being taken for granted and not appreciated.

I also relate to having friends dump you. I had what I thought was a good friend for 12 years, but she moved out of state in May 2020, and she blew me off after she moved. I noticed that she was distancing herself from me, but I thought it was just because of the lockdown.

I'm sorry to say, that most people look down on those of us on the spectrum, because we are different, and lack social skills, and in other people's eyes, this makes us less valuable. They are wrong of course, but since NT's are in the majority, what they say usually goes.

I've also melted down, and broken the glass panel in my back door.


Oh I empathise with you, especially about the glass! It's just such a good relief of stress isn't it.

I think modern life with all the opportunities for friendship has been worse for autistic people. We are seen as 'not quite normal' so people avoid us for other 'better' friends.

We are a society of shifting, transient friendships now.


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Summer_Twilight
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02 Nov 2022, 12:38 pm

czarsmom wrote:
KitLily wrote:
As I suspected, 1 of my 2 friends has disappeared.

I noticed that over the last 8 months she has cancelled our last 2 'coffee dates'. She said it was because her son was ill but I don't know if that is true. Then she kept saying 'we must meet for coffee, I'll check my shift rota.' She works in a convenience store, I'm a freelance editor so I'm more flexible.

And that was a month ago. In our friendship, I'm always the one who texts 'hi how are you?' and asks about her life. She isn't the one who makes the first move. Because she is one of those people who has loads of friends, she knows everyone locally and is very popular. I'm probably just some weirdo she felt sorry for. We actually made friends because we both have very selfish and manipulative mothers. But her mother died a few years ago and mine moved away a few years ago. So maybe we don't have that in common anymore.

The thing is, she probably has a situation happening in her life right now. But so have I. Recently after 17 years of feeling lonely, frightened, excluded, I couldn't take anymore and smashed the kitchen windows, there was glass everywhere. I've been bottling up my feelings for all those years, being the perfect wife and mum, putting everyone else first. And for what? Just to be ignored, excluded, left to struggle on alone.

But at last my husband realised there is something very wrong. He contacted the doctor and made an appointment for me. I didn't go because what's the point? They'll just say 'you can't just give up, other people rely on you.' Whoopee doo. So I'm just valuable in life in relation to other people. Obviously I'm not valuable as an individual.

I hoped my friend would break the habit of waiting for me to contact her and take the initiative. But she hasn't.



I can relate to several things in your post. I relate to being a wife and mom who puts other people's needs first and being taken for granted and not appreciated.

I also relate to having friends dump you. I had what I thought was a good friend for 12 years, but she moved out of state in May 2020, and she blew me off after she moved. I noticed that she was distancing herself from me, but I thought it was just because of the lockdown.


I am so sorry that she dumped you after moving to another state because that is always devastating when you put a lot of time and energy in a relationship and then they take you for granted.

Sometimes it's a good idea to ask questions like

"Did I do anything that seemed off-putting to you?"

I have also heard there is a general rule of thumb in regards to conflicts where you use 'I' statements and tell them how you feel and then tell them what you expected.

Example: "I am really hurt because I am really hoping that you and I would continue our friendship after you moved as we have been very close for many years. Ever since you have moved, I really feel like you have abandoned me and our friendship. Are you interested in continuing to have a friendship with me?"



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02 Nov 2022, 3:26 pm

I think America is a very different place to Britain. Any sort of talking about feelings in Britain immediately makes people pull away and cool off. :?


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jimmyjazzuk
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04 Nov 2022, 2:54 am

Is it a judgemental angry stare or confused stare



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04 Nov 2022, 3:28 am

My gut instinct is something has changed in her life/ priorities and you didn't do anything and you're doing the right thing moving on!



KitLily
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04 Nov 2022, 6:39 am

jimmyjazzuk wrote:
Is it a judgemental angry stare or confused stare


Probably more confused? I don't know.


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KitLily
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04 Nov 2022, 6:42 am

jimmyjazzuk wrote:
My gut instinct is something has changed in her life/ priorities and you didn't do anything and you're doing the right thing moving on!


You're probably right, but this happens to me All. The. Time. People just drop me, and I'm sick of it.

If I don't contact them again, I never find out. Or if I do contact them again, I often get a barrage of accusations 'you said this! You said that! I hate you now! You're evil!'

I've no idea what they mean because they never tell me what I said and time has passed so I wouldn't remember anyway.

So I'm taking the cautious approach from now on and not contacting such people again.


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04 Nov 2022, 9:11 am

KitLily wrote:
jimmyjazzuk wrote:
My gut instinct is something has changed in her life/ priorities and you didn't do anything and you're doing the right thing moving on!


You're probably right, but this happens to me All. The. Time. People just drop me, and I'm sick of it.

If I don't contact them again, I never find out. Or if I do contact them again, I often get a barrage of accusations 'you said this! You said that! I hate you now! You're evil!'

I've no idea what they mean because they never tell me what I said and time has passed so I wouldn't remember anyway.

So I'm taking the cautious approach from now on and not contacting such people again.



Usually when people overreact and shift the blame on you like that are individuals who are often too proud and arrogant to admit they aren't being a good friend. Please don't take it personally because I am sure you are not the only person who they most likely attack when they are confronted but that's on them and not you. Actually, both of those characteristics are signs of immaturity.

As I have talked about in previous posts, I was friends with a couple from a synagogue who treated me like a piece of trash after I left their congregation. When I confronted the husband for treating me like a piece of trash, he basically blamed everything on me and said some pretty nasty things.



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04 Nov 2022, 12:23 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Usually when people overreact and shift the blame on you like that are individuals who are often too proud and arrogant to admit they aren't being a good friend. Please don't take it personally because I am sure you are not the only person who they most likely attack when they are confronted but that's on them and not you. Actually, both of those characteristics are signs of immaturity.

As I have talked about in previous posts, I was friends with a couple from a synagogue who treated me like a piece of trash after I left their congregation. When I confronted the husband for treating me like a piece of trash, he basically blamed everything on me and said some pretty nasty things.


It's amazing how many people there are in lifewho look like adults but in fact are still children, isn't it?

I wondered if in fact the other person 'said something nasty' and they are accusing me of it to shift the blame. The people who have done this to me were indeed quite strange, but I only recently learned to distinguish who is actually a good friend and who is just using me. So probably that was why.

Someone on an autism site told me ages ago that NT people are obsessed with two things: 1. Avoiding being blamed for anything. 2. Their place in the social hierarchy. That would explain a lot about such people accusing me of something- to shift blame from themselves.

Autistic people are not obsessed with those things.


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06 Nov 2022, 9:31 am

Kitlily: I made a post at the end of Sept/early October about cutting on a friendship with a narcissist.

When I told him why I was cutting it off, he was upset and shifted the blame. He also openly admitted to just want to use me for things.



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06 Nov 2022, 11:12 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Kitlily: I made a post at the end of Sept/early October about cutting on a friendship with a narcissist.

When I told him why I was cutting it off, he was upset and shifted the blame. He also openly admitted to just want to use me for things.


I think that is the behaviour of those high on the psychopathy or narcissistic spectrum.

Apparently the psychopathy and narcissistic spectrumw only contain a small percentage of humans. But I am starting to suspect that percentage is growing as time progresses. Maybe because the number of humans is increasing?

Anyway, it seems to me that people are getting more selfish and self centred.


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