Why Shouldn't I Just Kill Myself?

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goldfish21
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13 Oct 2022, 12:06 pm

Like most people, sounds like you need focused practice at being Present vs. allowing intrusive thoughts to steal your present moment and waste your time dwelling on thoughts that don't serve you in the moment. I need to practice this a lot more, too.

Here's a bit of an extended version of the Goalcast video: (10mins or so)


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The Grand Inquisitor
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14 Oct 2022, 2:14 am

goldfish21 wrote:
Like most people, sounds like you need focused practice at being Present vs. allowing intrusive thoughts to steal your present moment and waste your time dwelling on thoughts that don't serve you in the moment. I need to practice this a lot more, too.

Here's a bit of an extended version of the Goalcast video: (10mins or so)


If I can't ever have a girlfriend, nothing else matters, because it's impossible for me to be content under these circumstances. I need to be convinced that it's possible for me to find someone after so long wanting to, but it never happening.

It's more than just thoughts I'm dealing with. It's feelings as well, and those feelings are going to persist so long as I have this gaping romantic void in my life, my lack of romantic experience is infringing upon my identity and sense of self, and I feel like nobody will accept me.

My mind needs somewhere else to go when it encounters the subject of romance, and the only way that is achievable is if I can fill the romantic void in my life. It's either fill it, or be sucked in by it.



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14 Oct 2022, 11:50 am

Am aware of your serious concern for A romantic partner … but in reality . Things could be much worse. If you start to lose your physical health . And end up in a hospital your focus could change , As if you might have your choice of whether to be alive or not could be decided by situations that you might not have expected affecting your health , with possible terminal outcomes as a vey real possibility . Might change your focus…. But otherwise you could die anyway. So that decision could be taken away from you .
Have faced these health issues several times over the period of my life. And unfortunately it seems am still in that situation.
But will not ever deny that having another , person in your life can be, Very Valuable !
Absolute best wishes .to you .


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goldfish21
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18 Oct 2022, 2:47 am

I just listened to this whole thing (19mins) & the man does make some good points..


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enz
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18 Oct 2022, 3:46 am

look up vipassana testimonials on youtube it might help you with your goal



The Grand Inquisitor
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24 Oct 2022, 4:54 am

The situation I'm in inflicts intense emotional distress and existential angst on me.

The most important thing right now is to fill the gaping romantic void in my life with some kind of connection that makes me feel validated and accepted as a heterosexual man. To the extent that I'm able to achieve this, I'll be able to keep my depression at bay, and I'll be in a much better position to propel myself forward in all areas of life because I won't be hindered by this extreme despair.

My situation comes with a myriad of problems, but I think the biggest of all is that it has left me with this overwhelming feeling that I am undesirable, and that no woman would ever want to be my partner because I'm just not attractive enough, experienced enough, confident enough or normal enough. I feel especially insecure about my appearance.

The precedent set up until now, combined with an absence of anything to suggest it might finally be broken, leaves me feeling hopelessly pessimistic and down on myself.

I will never be content occupying space on this earth as a man several years into adulthood who has no meaningful romantic experience and no romantic prospects of any kind. My propensity to talk about doing drastic things comes from the extreme despair I'm reckoning with over having been in this situation for so long with seemingly very little hope of escaping it, important years of my life flying by with a painful absence of romantic experiences, and lingering romantic milestones that I'm both discontented by and ashamed of not having met at my age.

In spite of the mental health issues I'm dealing with over this, I think I could be a really good partner to the right person, but I also realise that these mental health issues cruelly impair my ability to meet and appeal to eligible women. These mental health issues also aren't going anywhere while I'm reckoning with the gravity of this romantic void in my life, and while I remain a have-not in a world of haves.

The only way forward is to fill the romantic void in my life so I'm free from the shackles of despair. Living with this despair is so excruciating that it makes me wish I could find myself in a permanent slumber, so it really has to go, but I have limited control over deposing it. I really wish I knew where to find a woman who could appreciate me enough to consider me as a romantic companion, but I have no idea where I could find women who would be interested in a man like me, or if they even exist.



goldfish21
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24 Oct 2022, 1:07 pm

I get what your goal is and why. I just don't think you quite fully grasp what's constraining you from achieving it and what you need to try to do differently to see if it works better for you.

The despair/feelings are very real and valid, I get that. I remember being a teenager and INSANELY jealous of friends having sex while I wasn't. (Even though I'd had some experiences at 12 years old with my then 12 year old best friend.) At 17 it drove me NUTS thinking about it. In hindsight, thinking about it was such a counterproductive waste of time and energy.

Things you can control, take action, and do that should benefit you in moving towards your goals:

1. For physical appearance confidence -> physical fitness. You've mentioned before that you're overweight and have been working towards losing weight. Do more exercise, eat a healthy diet, drink water, get sleep.. show your physical body some love every day in those ways and bit by bit you'll be healthier, fitter, trimmer, (subjectively) 'better looking,' and in turn more confident. Rome wasn't built in a day.. it takes a long time to get out of shape, and a long time to get back to a balanced, healthy body composition and then onwards to fit and strong. Bit by bit it happens, though.. with patience and persistence. I can't think of ANYONE that doesn't look more appealing when they're fitter vs. very overweight, myself included. I also know I think clearer and feel better when I'm fitter, too.

2. For mental strength and thought patterns it's pretty evident that you have long running intrusive thoughts about your singleness that bring about all this despair. It's totally counterproductive to dwell on these thoughts as they're not serving you in any way nor moving you towards your goal of finding a date and eventual partner. Obviously we don't come with a negative thought 'off switch,' we can just flip and be done with negative thoughts the moment we don't want them anymore.. but we Can work on ourselves and our thoughts, change them, replace them with better thoughts or mantras that do serve us, and eventually have much better control over our minds and our moods. This is some serious Bruce Lee type stuff.. the man who masters himself can master anything kind of thing. If you haven't watched the Eckhart Tolle video above yet.. watch it. If you were to replace your current thoughts and perceptions about being deprived things and lacking love etc with gratitude and appreciation for all that you do have and that's around you, your mood & 'vibe,' will shift to one that people Do want to be around.. one that women are attracted to.. one that has the potential to eventually bring you to your goal.

I'm sure you'd agree that doing more of the same things you've been doing, whether unhealthy habits that don't improve your appearance or confidence, or more of the same thoughts burning ever deeper grooves into your brain as they become deeeeeply entrenched, is not going to magically somehow attract a partner and resolve your despair issues. So, it should be quite clear that you need to shift gears and focus your efforts on trying new things for as long as it takes to get yourself away from these thoughts and feelings in order to grow yourself into a position where you're dating material vs. a dark cloud to be avoided.

I'm not saying the above approaches are silver bullets that will work overnight, nor that they're 100% guaranteed to work over time, nor that there aren't different things to try.. BUT, those are the 2 things I'd be doing if I were in your shoes and I'd stick to doing them for at least a year or two to see how much changed in myself and my life for it. I'm not much of a gambling man, but I'd bet money that if you stuck to those 2 things for a year or two you'd find yourself closer to your goals and the fulfilment you seek out of life than doing more of the same for the next couple years.


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27 Oct 2022, 11:39 am

I've never had a partner since experiencing puberty age 8 but I can't see a life where the only thing I value is to be attached to another person.

If that's all that's motivating you in life to be alive, you should be alive because you have narrowed down life to only one thing and also, your partner is their own human being. What if you get into a relationship and then it's not what you romanticised, then what is next? Can you appreciate them for who they are? Or do they have to only follow your rules?

I personally don't really see the point of human existence and being alive but what I value in life in nature (natural and animal), music (sensory) or food-related at the moment.

Also, when you have this mindset, it is can seep out like some sort of aura and puts people off. I once met a man who had self-esteem issues surrounding his race and so he tried to make advances on me by being self-deprecating. I told him to stop treating himself like that before running away.

I would pursue professional help that can help with self-esteem problems and look for a woman dating coach who understands non-typical clients. The two together can help you unlearn harmful romanticisations of dating, expectations and stereotypes of being a man, generalising women, repairing your self-esteem and also making positive behavioural or thought changes that can help improve your chances of having successful encounters. There are more and more apps targeting people who are not neurotypical these days. It's more difficult but from all the horrible things I hear from my NT friends and acquaintances, it just sounds hard and exhausting altogether.

Good luck in experiencing healthy dates with romantic intentions.