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Brainiac42
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02 Apr 2022, 9:11 pm

Hi Wrong Planet Friends.

I’m feeling alone this week. My fiancée keeps telling me I’m saying rude things and I don’t understand. I’ve had meltdowns, and haven’t felt like talking because I can’t find a life long career.

Can we start a thread of funny jokes to cheer me/others up? I enjoy corny jokes, one liners, etc, but am open to any except I don’t enjoy dirty jokes much. Let’s get a joke thread going for the sad/stressed people here.



lostonearth35
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02 Apr 2022, 11:08 pm

What did one eye say to the other eye?

"Don't look now but between you and me, something smells."



Brainiac42
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02 Apr 2022, 11:41 pm

lostonearth35 wrote:
What did one eye say to the other eye?

"Don't look now but between you and me, something smells."


Hahahaha, that’s a classic. Thank you, that made me smile.



DeepHour
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02 Apr 2022, 11:47 pm

How does the tall Chinese man greet the short Chinese man?

"Hi, Lo".

And how does the latter return the greeting?

"Lo, Hi".


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Fnord
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04 Apr 2022, 8:37 am

For my birthday, I received a telepathic abacus . . .

. . . it is the thought that counts.



auntblabby
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06 Apr 2022, 5:44 pm

Someone asked me to name two containers for water, and i was like, "well, dammmn..."



lostonearth35
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06 Apr 2022, 7:34 pm

What's green, sings, and is found on the bathroom floor?

Elvis Parsley.



auntblabby
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06 Apr 2022, 7:35 pm

An English woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."



naturalplastic
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06 Apr 2022, 7:58 pm

The UK just landed a probe on Mars to compete with our Rover.

As soon as it landed...its camera's detected an organism living on the planet.

A creature came of the rocks that had, one eye, one nostril, and one flipper.

The creature looked into the camera, blinked its eye, flipped its flipper, shot blood out of its nostril, and then "burst into bloom" (suddenly sprouted flower like structures all over its body), and then hid in the rocks.

Scientists say that they "still cant figure out just what the blinkin', bloomin', bleedin', flippin' thing is.".



Brainiac42
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09 Apr 2022, 11:59 am

Thank you all. These made me laugh.



lostonearth35
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09 Apr 2022, 12:35 pm

A teacher asks a kid to name five things that contain milk.

The kid says "Cheese, butter, ice cream, and two cows".



SkinnedWolf
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09 Apr 2022, 1:45 pm

A baby in the mall kept crying and it annoyed me. My friend advised me to take transposition thinking.

Now I'm in the stroller. But still annoyed.


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You might expect to be able to crush them in your hand, into wolf-bone fragments.
Dance with me, funeralxempire. Into night's circle we fly, until the fire enjoys us.


auntblabby
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10 Apr 2022, 12:18 am

a priest, a rabbi, and a shaman walk in a bar, and the bartender says...what is this, some kind of joke?



lostonearth35
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11 Apr 2022, 12:54 pm

A mother flea knows that all her children will one day end up going to the dogs.



DiffidAnt
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11 Apr 2022, 1:11 pm

I had a clock for breakfast this morning. It was time consuming.



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11 Apr 2022, 1:15 pm

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it to them.