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Saturn157
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19 Jun 2021, 4:37 pm

I need some advice. A few months ago an ex boyfriend from 25 years ago contacted me. I was happy to hear from him. I felt guilty about the way I treated him when we dated so I was glad to finally get a chance to apologize to him.

He says he’s single now and he’s been courting me, coming on really strong. He lives in another country that I’ve always wanted to visit. So I planned a trip to his country this fall. I’m going to visit several cities and I wanted to visit his city which is very beautiful. He’s invited me to stay at his house while I’m there.

I do have feelings for him and I look forward to seeing him again and spending time with him but I don’t want to have sex with someone I’m not in a committed relationship with. I want to be friends and I absolutely do not want to show up in town to be some fling for old times sake.

Should I tell him this before I get to his city? Is it inappropriate to stay in his house? He has 4 bedrooms. Should I stay in a hotel? Will it hurt his feelings if I turn down his hospitality?

I have no idea how to handle a situation like this. Please help.



Mona Pereth
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19 Jun 2021, 7:10 pm

Saturn157 wrote:
I do have feelings for him and I look forward to seeing him again and spending time with him but I don’t want to have sex with someone I’m not in a committed relationship with. I want to be friends and I absolutely do not want to show up in town to be some fling for old times sake.

Should I tell him this before I get to his city? Is it inappropriate to stay in his house? He has 4 bedrooms. Should I stay in a hotel? Will it hurt his feelings if I turn down his hospitality?

Whether it hurts his feelings or not, it will hurt his feelings less if you tell him now than if you wait until the last minute.

As for accepting his hospitality vs. staying in a hotel, that would depend on lots of different factors specific to you and him. For example, if you were to stay with him, would you trust him to honor your wishes and not pester you to have sex with him?


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Saturn157
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Joined: 18 May 2021
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20 Jun 2021, 12:04 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Whether it hurts his feelings or not, it will hurt his feelings less if you tell him now than if you wait until the last minute.

As for accepting his hospitality vs. staying in a hotel, that would depend on lots of different factors specific to you and him. For example, if you were to stay with him, would you trust him to honor your wishes and not pester you to have sex with him?


Thanks for your reply. You’re right I must tell him right away. I don’t know if he’d pester me for sex. I’m going to research the accommodations in his city before I go just in case staying with him doesn’t work out or either one if us feels uncomfortable if I stay in his house.



kraftiekortie
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21 Jun 2021, 4:22 pm

I would tell him you don't want sex right away.

I wouldn't stay in his house.

I hope you get nice accommodations, and enjoy the country you're visiting.

Make sure you have a round-trip ticket.

If you can afford it, and it's possible, make the return ticket a flexible date.



Saturn157
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21 Jun 2021, 6:56 pm

@kraftiekortie

Thanks for all the great advice.



cyberdad
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21 Jun 2021, 7:08 pm

Saturn157 wrote:
I need some advice. A few months ago an ex boyfriend from 25 years ago contacted me. I was happy to hear from him. I felt guilty about the way I treated him when we dated so I was glad to finally get a chance to apologize to him.

He says he’s single now and he’s been courting me, coming on really strong. He lives in another country that I’ve always wanted to visit. So I planned a trip to his country this fall. I’m going to visit several cities and I wanted to visit his city which is very beautiful. He’s invited me to stay at his house while I’m there.

I do have feelings for him and I look forward to seeing him again and spending time with him but I don’t want to have sex with someone I’m not in a committed relationship with. I want to be friends and I absolutely do not want to show up in town to be some fling for old times sake.

Should I tell him this before I get to his city? Is it inappropriate to stay in his house? He has 4 bedrooms. Should I stay in a hotel? Will it hurt his feelings if I turn down his hospitality?

I have no idea how to handle a situation like this. Please help.


Gosh, the thing that jumped out at me straight away is 25 years is a long time to hold on to feelings for somebody whom you haven't seen!! Almost all my ex-girlfriends ghosted me, I can't imagine them ever talking to me again.

How old were you when you knew this man? Do you know how much a person changes in a few years (let alone 25). How well do you know him? can you trust him? can you trust yourself?

I'm not sure how it ended between both of you but it sounds like you may be sending him the wrong signals.

If you are keen to rekindle an old relationship think about whether friendship is feasible first. Under no circumstances take up his offer to sleep at his place. Agree to meet in a place of your choosing (not his) and get a feeling for how he has changed. Then if you are comfortable take things further.

Please practice some common sense!