ASD women with partners: how did you do it?

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Sweetleaf
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17 Sep 2021, 12:28 am

I don't want to say, because so many people around here just claim it can't work.

But I met my boyfriend on an online dating site, wasn't good at going out to meet people so talked to guys on there and met some in person...most were kind of a waste of time. But then I met one who wasn't and I am still with them...

But a lot of people on here seem to think you can't meet partners on dating sites, so idk if I was just lucky or what.


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Fireblossom
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17 Sep 2021, 10:15 am

^ I know people who've married their tinder dates, including aspies. Sometimes dating sites work, sometimes not. If they never worked for anyone, they would've long since ran out of users.



chaosmos
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17 Sep 2021, 6:34 pm

I’m not always sure how I do it.
I’m often terrible at it and often think I’m better off alone.
I never had positive relationships modelled to me growing up and I have a wealth of poor behaviour that can be very easily triggered. But other times I feel successful and loved and loving and patient.
I think having support out of my relationship helps me to be better in relationship.



y-pod
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18 Sep 2021, 7:32 am

I didn't do anything to attract people. It's important to just be yourself and like yourself. That way you attract the right kind of friends. When I was 22, I wore gender neutral clothes, no makeup, no bra, short hair. I was talented in many things and considered myself the coolest. :D Confidence is really the biggest thing. If it doesn't attract people, at least you feel good about yourself anyway.

I met my husband in a software engineering class. If you don't mind nerds being in a male-dominant field gives you advantages. We didn't know anything about autism of course. Once you secure a partner you can start the romantic stuff. I wrote songs, poems, love letters, did paintings...etc. I know it sounds so last century. I guess I don't know what young people do now to be romantic.


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Mona Pereth
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25 Sep 2021, 9:11 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
I don't want to say, because so many people around here just claim it can't work.

But I met my boyfriend on an online dating site, wasn't good at going out to meet people so talked to guys on there and met some in person...most were kind of a waste of time. But then I met one who wasn't and I am still with them...

But a lot of people on here seem to think you can't meet partners on dating sites, so idk if I was just lucky or what.

Dating sites are more likely to work for a heterosexual woman than for a heterosexual man, because the vast majority of users (of most dating sites, at least) tend to be men.

Still, most dating sites intrinsically promote a very superficial approach, not likely to lead to stable relationships IMO. And most women are, for good reason, reluctant to date total strangers.


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Caz72
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25 Sep 2021, 10:14 pm

every couple of weeks im being asked on a date by some bloke or other

i dont know why


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Whale_Tuune
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26 Sep 2021, 1:48 am

Caz72 wrote:
every couple of weeks im being asked on a date by some bloke or other

i dont know why


huh, maybe UK men are more assertive? I got hit on by an English fellow at a bar tonight, not that anything came of it-- my friends grabbed me before we really got to talking. :/


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babybird
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26 Sep 2021, 10:20 am

I work in the adult entertainment industry so I've no shortage of male attention. Not always for the right reason though but it is how I did meet the only man that I can accept love from and be happy to give my love to.

I am in now way saying that this is what you should do though.

Best of luck to you anyway. I'm pretty certain you will find someone who will appreciate you for the wonderful person you are.



Alien99
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02 Oct 2021, 10:17 pm

Honestly I dated alot of guys and my overwhelm would come up and I would leave early or not return their calls. But when I dated my husband it was really comfortable right ways. He was dorky and funny and made me feel comfortable. He adores me and treats me well and I never had that before. My father was really cruel. I really believe my sensitivities where there to protect me until from the not so great choices until he came along. Then they were the ones that made me stay and work it out when it got tough. My husband is not on the spectrum but he is Neurodivergent.

I think many guys like Aspie girls. We often lack the hang ups over romance. Autism was called extreme male brain. So we tend to understand men pretty easily. Don't overthink it. Just go out there and let your autism be your guide.



idntonkw
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02 Oct 2021, 10:44 pm

Maybe a male dominated field of work might work for you. My friend began dating a girl in his internship group at work in a software internship. They are not on the spectrum, but she is kind of the serious math type, so she strikes me as a tiny bit on the spectrum.



hariboci
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04 Oct 2021, 1:52 am

I was only successful when I managed to boost my self-confidence and didn't care what people think of me.
The self-confidence came from non-dating related fields like hanging out with male friends or being successful in studying, job.

But when I was young I was similarly shy like you and attracted only men who just wanted sex. Me, an idiot, thought if someone smiles at me or is kind, he is in love with me. So I was a very easy target to men. I still have to remind myself that smiling and kindness is not necessary a showcase of affection.

I would recommend you to hang out with friends, mostly men and do something that gives you a satisfactory feeling and could boost your self-confidence. It can be a hobby or being more proactive in your workplace.


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browneyedgirlslowingdown
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05 Oct 2021, 8:41 pm

I met my bf on Tinder. I think, being direct helped me sift through lots of people. He just fit me best, we fit each other best. It's not perfect or anything but I like him the way I like other things, hot cocoa, my stuffies, my fav shows, I can't imagine not knowing him now.


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SharonB
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06 Oct 2021, 10:28 am

What worked for my BFF (in her 40s) and I (in my 20s) were getting out of the house for intentional social events, meeting people from outside our culture, and showing interest. In my case my sister invited me to her work-group gathering. In my BFF's case her dance class scheduled a mixer. Nowadays I'd probably do social hikes or some other interest I have where other singles would be. Both our partners are minorities culturally and perhaps relate better to our experience as minorities neurologically. I've realized over the years that when I ovulate I am briefly flirtatious and can attract others. Otherwise my vibes are completely "friends only". My BFF had "friends only" vibes (in a big way) and learned how to have more reciprocal and open conversations and show interest. I had pointed out to her that she had a single twin bed w/ a single nightstand --- she got a full bed and two nightstands and met her partner shortly thereafter. Feng shui? A woman in my support group met her partner online --- again, from outside her culture. Meeting someone from outside one's (sub)culture gives a leg up to "ask, don't assume" communication which is beneficial for ASD folks. I've read that NT men enjoy the independence they have with ASD partners who are rarely jealous and restrictive about time alone.

To maintain the relationship, communication is key. Acknowledge differences and similarities, goodness and concerns - and work together to progress. In my case, I have raging insecurity (and my partner has raging irresponsibility), so he impressed me with: "trust I want to work this out with you" (and I impressed him with "take responsibility"). Our relationship isn't paradise, but it's good. :)

Good luck!