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hurtloam
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26 Mar 2021, 12:27 am

Whale_Tuune wrote:
On some level, I feel like a romantic relationship is about having a "home base", a partner to turn to to pick up your slack, and you pick up theirs. Someone for comfort and confidance. Love is something that you build, it's not just something that sparks out of nowhere.'

Basic compatibility is a must, but I love the idea that you just choose this other person to stick with through the thick and thin. They're just your person, not a Romeo/Juliet love story or wild love affair.

So... "settling" with a decent guy is actually very appealing to me. Stability brings its own freedom, I would feel.


Absolutely, that's what I want, but finding a decent guy is like looking for hen's teeth.

I've been treated with such a lack of respect by men that it's really put me off.

I enjoy living freely without a partner refusing to help or judging me. It seems there are more bad relationships out there than good ones.

Most people suck, male and female. I hated having flat mates too.



hurtloam
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26 Mar 2021, 12:28 am

People saying that they don't like the word spinster, did you read the article? It was once a nobel word, but authors like Jane Austen ruined it.



Last edited by hurtloam on 26 Mar 2021, 12:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

hurtloam
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26 Mar 2021, 12:36 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Jakki wrote:
But have found few working class men give any respect to my independence even showing avarice towards it.


Ha! YESSSSSSSS x 10000 ^

No offence to men, as I get this reaction from women as well.

It's hard to be seen as independent yet also feminine.


Yes. I've always had to look after myself, even when I was living with my parents. That independence puts men off because, and I quote, "what does she need me for.?"

Men's insecurities have become disgusting to me. You feel threatened that I can use a drill? Get a grip mate.

It's a vicious cycle. The more they don't respect me, the more I don't respect them. And now I can't imagine living with one of those petty, controlling idiots.

I have an intelligent job. I'm not a humble little cleaner or receptionist. But that's not an ideal little wife job.

I used to really like men, but the more I've had to look after myself, the more distain I've revcieved for not being good enough, so the more I don't like those who don't see me as feminine enough, so the more I learn to do what I can look after myself, the less feminine I become, the less attractive I am, the less I respect men who think there's something wrong with me, so now we stand and face each other as rivals.

This wasn't my plan, it just happened.

Yes, not all men. But the ones who do respect me and who I do get along with are all married. Weirdly I'm a threat to potential suitors, but unavailable men tell me I have good qualities. Go figure.



hurtloam
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26 Mar 2021, 7:58 am

Funnily enough I've just been having a conversation with a friend about how nice my brother in law is.

Just in case anyone thinks I've got a vendetta against men. Dating is just annoying. Outside of dating I get on with men ok. My colleagues are all nice too.



SharonB
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26 Mar 2021, 8:40 am

hurtloam wrote:
That independence puts men off because, and I quote, "what does she need me for.?" Men's insecurities have become disgusting to me. You feel threatened that I can use a drill? Get a grip mate.

That.

I experience that tons at work and a lot at home. My husband is macho (like most), but very flexible. He said to me recently, "I know why you married me: I let you be yourself." So, yes, as far as a partner "lets" us be ourselves, it can work. BTW I guide him to be himself (less macho). :twisted:

I'm picking this book up from the library today. It's full on sarcasm. You can see a few pages on Amazon. I don't buy many books, but given my workplace bologna, I just may buy this one as a keepsake.
https://www.amazon.com/Successful-witho ... 1449476074



Jakki
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26 Mar 2021, 9:19 am

Love your book suggestion .. So unfortunate , concerning , how true it is . Can relate to being a spinster. Am a homeowner . And so many people are not able to get to that place . And I think a degree of vengeance falls upon women whom are able to get to this place .,whereas their male counterparts may not be .
Have had my share of mechanical types and handymen . Whom often have done more damage then repair.
Costing thousands to get things properly straightened out , or have become beyond repair .Inspite of my best efforts , cause cannot afford or am not physically able to do the work correctly as needed . So it is slow going to handle things . Am being more selective in how I deal with men,conservatively at best. Am sure there are some competent
Males out there . But please do not sell women short on their knowledge or abilities!


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Whale_Tuune
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26 Mar 2021, 1:50 pm

Quote:
I have an intelligent job. I'm not a humble little cleaner or receptionist. But that's not an ideal little wife job.

I used to really like men, but the more I've had to look after myself, the more distain I've revcieved for not being good enough, so the more I don't like those who don't see me as feminine enough, so the more I learn to do what I can look after myself, the less feminine I become, the less attractive I am, the less I respect men who think there's something wrong with me, so now we stand and face each other as rivals.


Heterosexual relationships will always be unbalanced and tainted with possible sexism and misogyny. That's why women have such a hard time... so many guys are sexist pigs...


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SharonB
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26 Mar 2021, 2:14 pm

Whale_Tuune wrote:
Heterosexual relationships will always be unbalanced and tainted with possible sexism and misogyny. That's why women have such a hard time... so many guys are sexist pigs...

I'm reading a book about the evolution of menopause and it observes that foraging cultures (mostly shared property/resources) were/are more egalitarian. In fact, when a person tries for personal power, the group kindly thwarts it (as opposed to rewarding it as occurs in our current personal-property culture). There were still gender roles, but more fluid and in many cases trans or "third" genders. My husband is from a culture that recognized five genders before colonization. There may still have been sexism, but I like to think it was less.

If anybody knows of a good foraging culture, let me know. :wink: Where in the world is it less sexist?

Maybe when we are through the Information Age, we'll enter the Social Efficiency Age (when mutual respect is actualized).



hurtloam
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27 Mar 2021, 2:56 am

SharonB wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
That independence puts men off because, and I quote, "what does she need me for.?" Men's insecurities have become disgusting to me. You feel threatened that I can use a drill? Get a grip mate.

That.

I experience that tons at work and a lot at home. My husband is macho (like most), but very flexible. He said to me recently, "I know why you married me: I let you be yourself." So, yes, as far as a partner "lets" us be ourselves, it can work. BTW I guide him to be himself (less macho). :twisted:

I'm picking this book up from the library today. It's full on sarcasm. You can see a few pages on Amazon. I don't buy many books, but given my workplace bologna, I just may buy this one as a keepsake.
https://www.amazon.com/Successful-witho ... 1449476074


I may get buy that :D

Yes, I want someone who is ok with me just being me.



Ms Dobalina
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01 Apr 2021, 3:58 am

I prefer the terms "on the shelf" or "destined to die alone" (jk!).

I have an indifference to romantic relationships that other people don't have. If one came along suddenly and it worked out, I'm sure I'd be happy have it. But I don't mind being perpetually single.

A part of it is that I just fundamentally don't understand romantic relationships, (those I've observed) with what I'm supposed to bring to the table and vice versa, and how differently I'm supposed to behave to reinforce their status as my "special someone". And I know that the only way to understand this is to actually seek a relationship/get into the "dating scene", but I can't be bothered to investing that much emotional energy when I feel I've already got enough on my plate.

So at 33 I am open to romance but I'm not seeking it out. And if I stay single that's fine. This is just me and I respect that everyone here has different desires for intimacy.

And I also reserve the right to change my mind as I get older.



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01 Apr 2021, 6:42 am

Ms Dobalina wrote:
I prefer the terms "on the shelf" or "destined to die alone" (jk!).

I have an indifference to romantic relationships that other people don't have. If one came along suddenly and it worked out, I'm sure I'd be happy have it. But I don't mind being perpetually single.

A part of it is that I just fundamentally don't understand romantic relationships, (those I've observed) with what I'm supposed to bring to the table and vice versa, and how differently I'm supposed to behave to reinforce their status as my "special someone". And I know that the only way to understand this is to actually seek a relationship/get into the "dating scene", but I can't be bothered to investing that much emotional energy when I feel I've already got enough on my plate.

So at 33 I am open to romance but I'm not seeking it out. And if I stay single that's fine. This is just me and I respect that everyone here has different desires for intimacy.

And I also reserve the right to change my mind as I get older.


Sounding very self deterministic . This is a good thing .


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Ms Dobalina
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01 Apr 2021, 4:03 pm

Jakki wrote:
Ms Dobalina wrote:
I prefer the terms "on the shelf" or "destined to die alone" (jk!).

I have an indifference to romantic relationships that other people don't have. If one came along suddenly and it worked out, I'm sure I'd be happy have it. But I don't mind being perpetually single.

A part of it is that I just fundamentally don't understand romantic relationships, (those I've observed) with what I'm supposed to bring to the table and vice versa, and how differently I'm supposed to behave to reinforce their status as my "special someone". And I know that the only way to understand this is to actually seek a relationship/get into the "dating scene", but I can't be bothered to investing that much emotional energy when I feel I've already got enough on my plate.

So at 33 I am open to romance but I'm not seeking it out. And if I stay single that's fine. This is just me and I respect that everyone here has different desires for intimacy.

And I also reserve the right to change my mind as I get older.


Sounding very self deterministic . This is a good thing .


Thank you! Very kind of you to say.

Touching on a lot of what's been said, I feel like there's a lot of societal brainwashing discourse that occurs around marriage/partnership and having kids really really early. Even as a small child I thought of "getting married and having babies" as if it were an inevitability. Other options just did not exist.

Quick caveat: if you've posted here talking about wanting a partnership and babies, I DO NOT think you are brainwashed - you know your mind, your reasons are yours and I'm in awe of how raw and honest a lot of these posts are.

But this narrative about females instinctually (because science) wanting to couple (and then multiply) meant that I landed in some tricky situations in my 20s because I sought out romantic relationships not because I wanted to but because that was what I had been taught I should want this. When I finally realised this was an ideology rooted in sexism and nonsense, I stopped buying into it. Did wonders for my self-esteem.

Let's just say there are better reasons to have or not have partners and babies than what society demands.



ArtsyFarsty
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03 Apr 2021, 4:08 pm

Jakki wrote:
But have found few working class men give any respect to my independence even showing avarice towards it.

Very much so. My husband didn’t intend to get married because, in his culture, women are socialized to be very dependent; he did not want to have to give up his own independence to have another adult depend on him. I did not intend to marry either, because I didn’t think I was capable of forming such a strong bond with someone.

The unthinkable happened and we decided to marry each other. It will be 21 years this month ❤️



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17 May 2021, 9:18 am

No. Interesting article. I see it as a covert gay against lesbian war. No offense to anyone.



crumpette
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11 Jun 2021, 3:07 pm

I'm perhaps aromantic/demiromantic and need a looooot of space to myself so definitely see myself being a spinster for the rest of my life, and happily so. This also seems to run in my family, I have three aunts that haven't so much as been on a date. They are just uninterested in being in relationships and I seemed to get that spinster gene 8)



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13 Jun 2021, 10:33 pm

An additional meaning for spinster besides spinner of wool or old maid, is simply a never married woman. In my genealogy studies, marriage registers at one time listed a woman as spinster or widow (this was before divorce was common) and men as bachelor or widower. In other words, spinster had come to mean a never married woman of any age - could be 18, she was still a spinster.

Just a little factoid for everyone's enlightenment.


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