ASD women with partners: how did you do it?

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Whale_Tuune
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13 Sep 2021, 8:34 am

I was wondering if anyone had tips on how to get a boyfriend when you're a girl with ASD. I mean, I'm not horrible looking, but there are tons of girls out there who are way better looking and more socially aware than I am, so guys tend to overlook me.


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magz
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13 Sep 2021, 9:13 am

Having male friends.
Doing hobbies involving meeting people (trekking, choir singing).


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kraftiekortie
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13 Sep 2021, 1:15 pm

I have a strong feeling you're underestimating yourself.



Steve1963
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13 Sep 2021, 1:36 pm

I agree with kraftie. From what I've seen of your posts here, you're a very intelligent young woman.



ASPartOfMe
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13 Sep 2021, 5:04 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I have a strong feeling you're underestimating yourself.

Underestimating oneself is all too common with people on the spectrum and not just about romantic prospects.

Welcome back Whale_Tuune.


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Joe90
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13 Sep 2021, 5:34 pm

I don't really know. I have high EQ so I think that helps maybe.


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Whale_Tuune
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13 Sep 2021, 6:25 pm

ASPartOfMe wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I have a strong feeling you're underestimating yourself.

Underestimating oneself is all too common with people on the spectrum and not just about romantic prospects.

Welcome back Whale_Tuune.


I lost my password for a while. Now I'm back :D


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ASPartOfMe
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13 Sep 2021, 7:50 pm

Whale_Tuune wrote:
ASPartOfMe wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I have a strong feeling you're underestimating yourself.

Underestimating oneself is all too common with people on the spectrum and not just about romantic prospects.

Welcome back Whale_Tuune.


I lost my password for a while. Now I'm back :D

And WP is enriched by your prospectives.


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Fireblossom
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14 Sep 2021, 9:13 am

As someone chronically single, I keep wondering that, too. Gonna keep lurking around for tips myself. :lol:

Can't exactly talk about these things in L&D since women are constantly attacked and belittled there...



funeralxempire
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14 Sep 2021, 9:16 am

Fireblossom wrote:
As someone chronically single, I keep wondering that, too. Gonna keep lurking around for tips myself. :lol:

Can't exactly talk about these things in L&D since women are constantly attacked and belittled there...


If you report attacks of that nature perhaps those posters will find their privileges revoked and the forum might be improved by that. It's shameful that misogyny is that normalized in that sphere.


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ASPartOfMe
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14 Sep 2021, 10:19 am

funeralxempire wrote:
Fireblossom wrote:
As someone chronically single, I keep wondering that, too. Gonna keep lurking around for tips myself. :lol:

Can't exactly talk about these things in L&D since women are constantly attacked and belittled there...


If you report attacks of that nature perhaps those posters will find their privileges revoked and the forum might be improved by that. It's shameful that misogyny is that normalized in that sphere.

That section has had a reputation as toxic since I joined here in 2013. At times the bad feelings and fights there spread to other sections. It is an outrage that this is still the case.

As said, report, report, report.


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Whale_Tuune
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14 Sep 2021, 10:20 am

Fireblossom wrote:
As someone chronically single, I keep wondering that, too. Gonna keep lurking around for tips myself. :lol:

Can't exactly talk about these things in L&D since women are constantly attacked and belittled there...


Yeah... there's a sentiment that young women have hit the jackpot and dating should be no problem for us, if we're single we're just "stuck up." Real misogynistic incel vibes sometimes come from there.


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Fireblossom
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14 Sep 2021, 2:04 pm

ASPartOfMe wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
Fireblossom wrote:
As someone chronically single, I keep wondering that, too. Gonna keep lurking around for tips myself. :lol:

Can't exactly talk about these things in L&D since women are constantly attacked and belittled there...


If you report attacks of that nature perhaps those posters will find their privileges revoked and the forum might be improved by that. It's shameful that misogyny is that normalized in that sphere.

That section has had a reputation as toxic since I joined here in 2013. At times the bad feelings and fights there spread to other sections. It is an outrage that this is still the case.

As said, report, report, report.


Ya, been doing that. I don't post there, that's a rule, but I lurk around, partly for that purpose. Sometimes it gets results, sometimes not... or maybe they get warnings privately, dunno.



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15 Sep 2021, 3:31 pm

We with my husband got acquainted thanks to the online game


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Mona Pereth
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16 Sep 2021, 9:33 am

Whale_Tuune wrote:
I was wondering if anyone had tips on how to get a boyfriend when you're a girl with ASD. I mean, I'm not horrible looking, but there are tons of girls out there who are way better looking and more socially aware than I am, so guys tend to overlook me.

When in my twenties and thirties, I had a relatively successful social life compared to most autistic people apparently.

I accomplished this by getting involved in various oddball subcultures pertaining to things I was interested in.

Looking back on it, I suspect that at least half, probably most, of the friends I made were also on the autism spectrum or otherwise neurodivergent.

Back when I was younger at least, I think people on the autism spectrum tended to be disproportionately drawn to oddball subcultures of all kinds, because we didn't fit in to mainstream society.

I don't know whether and to what extent that's still true, now that more of us are diagnosed and thus have a pre-made label for what makes us odd. Without such a label, those of us who didn't rely on masking and trying desperately to fit in had to be very creative.

My advice to young autistic people today:

1) Try to make some friends before you look for romantic partners. The set of skills needed to maintain a romantic relationship is a superset of the set of skills needed to maintain a friendship.

2) Find, or if necessary create, a group of autistic people who share some hobby/interest of yours. Ideally this group would (after the COVID crisis is finally over with -- not yet!) both hold its own events and encourage its members to participate (if feasible) in larger NT-dominated events/whatever pertaining to the same hobby/interest. (Until the COVID crisis is over with, it would just meet virtually, of course.)

If your ultimate aim is to find a boyfriend, the relevant hobby/interest shouldn't be one that attracts mainly just women. Ideally it should be one that attracts roughly equal numbers of women and men, with a slight preponderance of men.

Starting one's own group, if necessary, may sound like a very intimidating challenge, especially for someone lacking in mainstream social skills. However, for some of us at least, leadership/facilitation skills may actually be easier to learn than many mainstream social skills. (See Autistic Peer Leadership Group.)


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that1weirdgrrrl
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16 Sep 2021, 11:03 pm

I'm going to quote a personally embarrassing experience, because I think this was a turning point for me.....

I had a male friend whom I liked very much and had a crush on. I hung out with this guy semi regularly and we talked on the phone literally every day for like a year straight.

When I finally told him that I liked him, he was shocked. He had no idea that I had a crush on him.

I guess you could call it flirting, or just presenting as more friendly or playful. But I started paying conscious attention to my body language and words when I did develop a crush on a guy next, and i did start to receive reciprocal attention from that point on....

It's not even being able to perfect flirtation, it's just more about being able to show your interest, without having to awkwardly blurt it out a year later :wall:

Anyway I dated that particular guy for about a year after that and then we split up. So I guess awkward blurting can work sometimes, but it's a bigger risk and more pressure to build up to that "moment of truth" :lol:

I hope something in here is useful for you, if not feel free to disregard it all!

I wish you all the best regardless :heart:


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