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StickBugette
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27 Oct 2021, 2:02 pm

I think my ability to have babies and feed them is a kind of superpower! Granted, all female mammals have this superpower -- it's not an exclusive superpower.

That being said, in my experience parenting is MUCH harder than pregnancy. And I didn't have easy pregnancies. Parenting is so difficult. Kids always need something. I didn't know how many "sensory breaks" I took every day until I couldn't do them anymore. And having two kids talk to you for hours simultaneously is sensory overload. I love my kids so much, but I'm not wired to handle this!

It would be easier to take if society said, "wow, she's really trying her best being a mom given her autism" but nobody cares about me or my autism. My ex certainly doesn't care. I'm supposed to mask (hide my autism), shut up, and somehow convince these two other sentient beings to behave appropriately and do academic work. And if they don't, it's because I suck as a mom.



HeroOfHyrule
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27 Oct 2021, 2:25 pm

I get your fear of pregnancy, honestly. Humans can have a lot more complications than other animals (and even other great apes), and it's something that can easily permanently affect your body even w/o complications. It'd also be stressful to have to worry about the health of the baby the entire time (or at least until they pass the point were miscarriages are unlikely and most health issues would finally be detected). Even C-sections and vaginal births with epidurals can be super anxiety inducing if you don't handle most medical procedures well (I don't! Even getting cavities filled gives me panic attacks...). I think it's understandable to not be too keen on pregnancy and childbirth, no matter how much people try to say it's not a huge deal (it might be to them, but it's not "no big deal" to everyone).


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I use he/him pronouns.

I like playing video games, watching cartoons and anime, reading, and cooking.

I also enjoy learning + cataloguing information about different types of animals and plants.

Empathy Quotient: 34/80
Systemizing Quotient: 104/150
Friendship Quotient: 56/140
Autism Quotient: 36/80

RAADS-R: 169

CAT-Q: 153
Compensation: 57
Masking: 47
Assimilation: 49

Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 144 of 200.
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 63 of 200.
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie).


Fireblossom
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27 Oct 2021, 2:57 pm

Ladies, pregnancy is always a risk. Always. Even if you're perfectly healthy, have had a problem free pregnancy so far and have access to good medical care for the delivery, something can still go wrong. Of course, the risks are significantly lower for those who are healthy than those who are not, but they are there.

I think that men who are in relationships with women and want children have a huge advantage over the said women when it comes to having children since, thanks to biology, the woman has to do all the work when it comes to making the child and the man couldn't do a thing even if he would want to. On the other hand, single women have an advantage over single men if they want children, for men can only adopt, but women also have, in theory at the very least, the option of assisted reproduction on their own since it's their bodies that will do the work. Men can't do it 'cause, well, they're men. It's biology. This is why I'm glad to be woman since I'm seriously considering this option in case I don't find anyone by the time I'm thirty.



Joe90
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27 Oct 2021, 5:34 pm

So many women I know have had long-term changes to the body because of being pregnant. My mum was lucky, as she had no birth complications during both her pregnancies, although she did feel very sick when she was pregnant with me. She had an easier labour when giving birth to me than she did my brother, and when she was giving birth to him she kept puking.

The reason I'm on the contraceptive pill is because I couldn't handle the cramps I had with my periods every month. It was severe, to the point where I was laid up in bed, trying my hardest not to spew up from the pain. I became immune to pain-killers because I was taking them for like 7 days each month (my periods were usually long, like 9-10 days, and the pains were actually worse towards the end of the period). My periods weren't as heavy as other girls' though.
And I heard labour pains is like one big mega period pain, also I heard your pelvis breaks or something when giving birth, or can break, I don't know.

I do know that giving birth is extremely painful, and I have low pain tolerance. PAP tests are a nightmare for me. It's like even if they use jelly or something to insert the thing, it still feels like my vagina immediately dries all up and closes.
Just imagine if someone shoved their fist into your mouth and down your throat, how painful it would be - that's how a PAP (smear) test feels for me. It feels like my bladder is being pierced open by rusty blades, and spreading my legs apart during a PAP test is just terrifying.

Please, when I first had sex it was so PAINFUL that I don't think I want anything to be inserted up there again (my boyfriend has a low sex drive so isn't bothered about vaginal sex), but with my first boyfriend the sex was mega excruciating.
This next bit is TMI and you don't need to read if you don't want to, but I really need to tell people here how it felt.

He did NOT rape me, but I got him to "stretch it out" by inserting his finger up there first, and he did it slowly but it was painful enough. Then I laid there crying in pain with my face in the pillow, and it was really burning up there while his finger still was, and when he slowly pulled it out that was when it was REALLY painful, the worst pain I had ever felt (worse than the pain I had when I sprained my ankle once). Then my vagina was bleeding, which was a shock to see in the toilet and in my underwear, as I wasn't menstruating. So you can see why I am scared s**t of PAP tests. And it doesn't help when people say that cancer is worse than having a PAP test. I KNOW that, and I'm scared s**t of cancer as well, but at the moment I'm avoidant of PAP tests while hoping and praying that I don't ever get cancer down there.


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HeroOfHyrule
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27 Oct 2021, 5:45 pm

Do you have vaginal stenosis, or something similar? The fear of inserting things can also make it harder or nearly impossible to do so, as it will make your vagina not relax or lubricate properly. I can't insert tampons or anything comfortably mainly because of the anxiety I get from anticipating the discomfort, despite not having any anatomical issues. It's a cruel, self-fulfilling issue. lmao


_________________
I use he/him pronouns.

I like playing video games, watching cartoons and anime, reading, and cooking.

I also enjoy learning + cataloguing information about different types of animals and plants.

Empathy Quotient: 34/80
Systemizing Quotient: 104/150
Friendship Quotient: 56/140
Autism Quotient: 36/80

RAADS-R: 169

CAT-Q: 153
Compensation: 57
Masking: 47
Assimilation: 49

Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 144 of 200.
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 63 of 200.
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie).


WitchsCat
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27 Oct 2021, 8:21 pm

I'm honestly not fond of the idea of getting pregnant myself, not just because of the pain (which my mom said felt like a hatchet in her back), but because of my mental health and the inability to take meds for it for the most part, as well as more hormones to make it worse. The period after birth is just as bad as there is also postpartum depression that can get really bad (my ex-SIL experienced this and had to be hospitalized as a result).

Plus, I will be 35 in another year, and that is the threshold of more complications during pregnancy, and I rather not risk it. I am nervous about such complications as pre-eclampsia (did I spell that right?) and gestational diabetes, and possibly getting them.

So yeah, I am pretty content with not getting pregnant, and just as happy being just an aunt. But this is your decision, and I don't want what I said to influence it, as long as you're happy.


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babybird
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28 Oct 2021, 12:41 am

Joe90 wrote:
This isn't a "who has it worse?" discussion, it's about all men, whichever neurology, when it comes to babies.

Men don't have to go through all the pain, discomfort and uncertainty of carrying the baby or giving birth. They can just enjoy their baby when it arrives.

If I was a guy and I was in a stable relationship, I would be a dad by now. But because I'm a woman, my fears and anxieties are too overwhelming and hold me back from having children. I can't even have a PAP test without crying out in sheer agony, so god only knows how painful it will be to get a baby's head out of there. I'd probably die from shock of the pain.

I once saw a meme that I really related to. It said something like
"I want a baby but I don't want to go through all the pregnancy and birth, but I don't want to adopt either, can you see my predicament?"
"Basically you want to be a father."


And that meme is 100% relatable for me.

Why can't humans lay eggs that come out when in a size that's small enough to pass without much pain, and then they hatch when ready? So many things can go wrong during a human pregnancy, and some complications can be life-threatening.


The problem with laying an egg is who would sit on it until it hatched?



Itendswithmexx
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28 Oct 2021, 1:27 am

Fnord wrote:
magz wrote:
Itendswithmexx wrote:
10. Men don’t need to starve themselves or wear makeup just to eat
This one really puzzles me. Can you elaborate?
This one, too...
Itendswithmexx wrote:
13.men don’t go through menopause
We most certainly do!  Our libidos and overall health begin to decline at about the same time women become pre-menopausal.  We just make less of a fuss about it.



Um menopause is when a woman is no longer fertile.. men are fertile till the day they die... and I doubt that men’s infertility comes with as many problems as women’s menopause.



Itendswithmexx
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28 Oct 2021, 1:29 am

magz wrote:
Menopause is a separate topic and, AFAIK, men usually don't experience the dysregulation of the whole body the way women do. I'm yet to check it out.

But please, let's not make another who-has-it-worse topic of it. OP wrote originally about pregnancy. Maybe we should change the thread title so it's easier to stay on topic?



I like to discuss everyone’s perspectives because as a woman I have difficulty understanding men’s chronic gender problems. I think it would be good to share our experiences so that we can be a little bit more considerate tolerant and understanding of each other.



Itendswithmexx
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28 Oct 2021, 1:30 am

Fnord wrote:
magz wrote:
Menopause is a separate topic and, AFAIK, men usually don't experience the dysregulation of the whole body the way women do. I'm yet to check it out.

But please, let's not make another who-has-it-worse topic of it. OP wrote originally about pregnancy. Maybe we should change the thread title so it's easier to keep on topic?
Oops, sorry!  I also just now noticed this thread is in Women's Discussion.  My bad.  Bye-bye!

:D



There is no law against joining. I like to know a mans perspective. What’s it like not to have a uterus?



Itendswithmexx
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28 Oct 2021, 1:34 am

magz wrote:
Menopause is a separate topic and, AFAIK, men usually don't experience the dysregulation of the whole body the way women do. I'm yet to check it out.

But please, let's not make another who-has-it-worse topic of it. OP wrote originally about pregnancy. Maybe we should change the thread title so it's easier to stay on topic?


Well sorry! But the topic is “men are so lucky” and they don’t have to go through much physically compared to women in any stage of their sexual reproductive lives and menopause is still relates to pregnancy. Menopause is something that she joe may want to consider because once your fertility is gone there’s no going back. So if she wants kids maybe she might be encouraged to seek counselling to handle pregnancy before it’s too late.



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28 Oct 2021, 3:03 am

StickBugette wrote:
I think my ability to have babies and feed them is a kind of superpower! Granted, all female mammals have this superpower -- it's not an exclusive superpower.

That being said, in my experience parenting is MUCH harder than pregnancy. And I didn't have easy pregnancies. Parenting is so difficult. Kids always need something. I didn't know how many "sensory breaks" I took every day until I couldn't do them anymore. And having two kids talk to you for hours simultaneously is sensory overload. I love my kids so much, but I'm not wired to handle this!

It would be easier to take if society said, "wow, she's really trying her best being a mom given her autism" but nobody cares about me or my autism. My ex certainly doesn't care. I'm supposed to mask (hide my autism), shut up, and somehow convince these two other sentient beings to behave appropriately and do academic work. And if they don't, it's because I suck as a mom.

Similar experiences here about parenting being way harder than pregnancy.
My body did change but so it does due to e.g. ageing. Having mental and physical health possibly in good shape and stable, comfortable life situation (support!) means a lot when being pregnant but I find the toll on mental health and need for support even greater once I'm a mother of growing up human beings learning to live in the society.

OP, I don't think getting pregnant would be a good idea if you still have such a difficulty having a PAP test. I think your body is guiding you against getting pregnant and Nature often knows better (from its own perspective of species' survival ;) ) Pregnancy may be too risky personally to you.


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Joe90
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28 Oct 2021, 3:21 am

Quote:
OP, I don't think getting pregnant would be a good idea if you still have such a difficulty having a PAP test. I think your body is guiding you against getting pregnant and Nature often knows better (from its own perspective of species' survival ;) ) Pregnancy may be too risky personally to you.


I know that, but then I get jealous of my cousins for getting pregnant and having babies. One cousin in particular, the one I compare myself to the most, is going to announce that she's pregnant at any time now, and I keep really secretly hoping that she'll change her mind and decide not to have one (she's 32). I can't explain why, I just can't imagine her having a kid is all, but like I said I can't describe why exactly.


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magz
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28 Oct 2021, 3:25 am

Comparing ourselves to others is practically never healthy and it's particularily strong source of problems for neurodiverse people.

Each of us is unique. It's not bad, it's beautiful :heart: and healthy for the humanity as a whole.


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Joe90
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28 Oct 2021, 4:37 am

magz wrote:
Comparing ourselves to others is practically never healthy and it's particularily strong source of problems for neurodiverse people.

Each of us is unique. It's not bad, it's beautiful :heart: and healthy for the humanity as a whole.


I know, I do have a habit of comparing myself to my peers, I have done ever since I was a child and I don't know how to stop. I get jealous and feel like a hopeless loser compared to them.


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Itendswithmexx
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28 Oct 2021, 5:53 am

StickBugette wrote:
I think my ability to have babies and feed them is a kind of superpower! Granted, all female mammals have this superpower -- it's not an exclusive superpower.

That being said, in my experience parenting is MUCH harder than pregnancy. And I didn't have easy pregnancies. Parenting is so difficult. Kids always need something. I didn't know how many "sensory breaks" I took every day until I couldn't do them anymore. And having two kids talk to you for hours simultaneously is sensory overload. I love my kids so much, but I'm not wired to handle this!

It would be easier to take if society said, "wow, she's really trying her best being a mom given her autism" but nobody cares about me or my autism. My ex certainly doesn't care. I'm supposed to mask (hide my autism), shut up, and somehow convince these two other sentient beings to behave appropriately and do academic work. And if they don't, it's because I suck as a mom.


Did you not ever baby sit? I think some people should baby sit and do a parenting course before they become parents. I think it really depends on the person, their challenges and such / some people just don’t like being touched therefore pregnancy could be extremely overwhelming pregnancy is a very personal thing, there’s a body inside of you and it’s not yours you get no break from it and it’s a 24/7 job responsibility. You have to watch what you eat,drink and emotions because it all affects your baby. Trying to be perfect 24/7 for nine months straight sounds impossible.