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Joe90
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05 May 2022, 10:32 am

Confrontation can make me cry, as I often feel humiliated, awkward and emotionally vulnerable when being confronted.

Like today I got confronted at work by the general manager who was on a rare visit, because I was walking in the 'wrong' place - even though I'm not the only one who walks in the wrong place but I didn't know he was there and I was just unlucky enough to get caught. I think he overreacted though, and he told me off for not using the walkways provided. I have ADHD and although I'm aware of my surroundings I was just walking to check something and forgot to use the walkway, and where I was walking was clear with no reversing vehicles in sight. He lectured me, asked me my name, and told me I had failed an audit or something (which then made me feel bad), right in front of the guy who works in the office who I'm scared of anyway.

I felt helpless after that and felt like crying. And the tears started coming before I could stop it. When I knew I was alone, I had a little cry and felt pissed off for the rest of the day. I bet if I was a guy I would have the emotional skills to let that ride over me, but as a woman I couldn't help crying (also I'm, you know, menstruating).


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naturalplastic
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05 May 2022, 11:44 am

Gosh. Sounds like the odds are unfairly against you at the office.

Dont know what you can do about it.


To answer the question...Ive had similar moments of humilation on the job over the years, but I have never broken down and cried at the workplace. Doesnt mean that i wasnt emotionally upset though. Just waited to get home, and then got upset about it. I am not sure that one gender does it better than another. A lady coworker cried her eyes when she was demoted from a low level superviser back to a worker. But at least she got it out of her system. Was ok the next day.



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06 May 2022, 10:22 pm

Joe, so sorry for that presumptuous and grumpy supervisor. My ASD daughter and I both struggle with grumpy (and ignorant or incompetent) people in positions of power or influence. If we are in the position of power or influence, we are inquisitive or comforting to the other person (or at least don't grump at them)... but switch that around and KABOOM.

In regards to your parenthetical observation: In my early 30s, I was in that same part of my cycle and for medical reasons was a few minutes late to a meeting. In fact, I had overextended myself to get there at all. Rather than appreciating my efforts, my boss said sternly "You're late!" and I ran from the room in tears. Fast forward over 15 years later and off-site a boss was judgmental and instead of crying, I cursed at him... loudly. I'd have to look up my cycle, but wouldn't be surprised if that was a contributing factor. I'm told there is middle ground between fight and flight. :twisted:



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07 May 2022, 9:27 am

That middle ground feels like you are swallowing your pride.. and then doing a slow burn ….
Which then in turn leaves you feeling grumpy . :cry: or sad …. :(

There must be some higher power that you could give all those feelings to ..?


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SharonB
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07 May 2022, 10:09 pm

^^ The Leaves on the Stream and similar exercises come to mind. Those exercises are for meditation, to take a thought and place it on a passing leaf. Would that I might do that in those circumstances. It has a lot to do with my feelings of helplessness rather than being self-empowered. One day...



Joe90
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08 May 2022, 6:21 pm

I hate it when I'm about to cry and can't hold back the tears. Even when I try smiling to myself or even laughing it off, I still cry instead. It's like vomiting - very involuntary and hard to repress. I just can't seem to handle being told off. In fact during the covid restrictions in 2020 I was more frightened of being yelled at in a store for accidentally breaking a rule than I was of getting covid. I know it's not personal or anything, but I still can't help getting upset.

Maybe it stems back from when a teacher shouted at me fiercefully in front of the whole class when I was 5, when I hadn't even done anything, the teacher was just accusing me of something. The whole class went quiet, the teacher pointed at me and shouted really loudly, and it was like an ogre coming towards me. I stepped backwards across the classroom, shaking and crying. That memory is still clear in my mind today and being spoken to in a certain tone and feeling humiliated or helpless just fills me with anxiety. A lot of people don't understand, they just say I should "man up", although I don't find that very helpful.


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auntblabby
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08 May 2022, 7:51 pm

the people who are hard on you have failed a moral test.



SharonB
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09 May 2022, 8:43 am

As usual, I relate.

It became apparent by 2nd grade (age 6) that my daughter is struggling with this (now 10) --- she doesn't like that she gets "in trouble" with everyone else (or singled out like you said) when she's doing her darndest to behave. Teachers have assured her it's not her, or there is a minor misunderstanding, but ..... we know.

It was exactly that (a COVID rule mishap), that contributed to a recent public meltdown of mine. (Forgive me if I already mentioned it.) I follow all the rules of course, but a customer came in behind me and was kindly told he needed to follow the rule --- he yelled and chose to take his business elsewhere. Apparently I was agitated by this and hadn't sufficiently recovered, b/c when a different store employee grumped at me, I lost it. Hysterical criers are Us. I tried to stop crying, but couldn't. The kind cashier apologized and hustled me out as quickly as possible. I was embarrassed.

Next time after someone yells over my shoulder, I will take a break (e.g. go wash my hands), or when I am crying, I will take the time to do my breathing exercises no matter how ridiculous and inconvenient it is for others. Next time I will accept my being and curtail the embarrassment. My daughter had a meltdown (crying) on the soccer field yesterday. She was embarrassed that she "overreacted" which further fueled the tears. I said that may be an overreaction by others standards but for us it is our reaction. We agreed we'd say we are having a "big reaction" and do what we need to regulate. No shame (or at least less shame).



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10 May 2022, 8:20 am

Crying can be a very good thing , “allowing for emotional relief .” In. What might feel like a impossible situation at the moment .


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Joe90
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11 May 2022, 11:09 am

SharonB wrote:
As usual, I relate.

It became apparent by 2nd grade (age 6) that my daughter is struggling with this (now 10) --- she doesn't like that she gets "in trouble" with everyone else (or singled out like you said) when she's doing her darndest to behave. Teachers have assured her it's not her, or there is a minor misunderstanding, but ..... we know.

It was exactly that (a COVID rule mishap), that contributed to a recent public meltdown of mine. (Forgive me if I already mentioned it.) I follow all the rules of course, but a customer came in behind me and was kindly told he needed to follow the rule --- he yelled and chose to take his business elsewhere. Apparently I was agitated by this and hadn't sufficiently recovered, b/c when a different store employee grumped at me, I lost it. Hysterical criers are Us. I tried to stop crying, but couldn't. The kind cashier apologized and hustled me out as quickly as possible. I was embarrassed.

Next time after someone yells over my shoulder, I will take a break (e.g. go wash my hands), or when I am crying, I will take the time to do my breathing exercises no matter how ridiculous and inconvenient it is for others. Next time I will accept my being and curtail the embarrassment. My daughter had a meltdown (crying) on the soccer field yesterday. She was embarrassed that she "overreacted" which further fueled the tears. I said that may be an overreaction by others standards but for us it is our reaction. We agreed we'd say we are having a "big reaction" and do what we need to regulate. No shame (or at least less shame).


I know not to react when I'm being barked at about accidentally breaking a rule but I still get upset inside, not really because of them but because of how absent-minded I was to forget a simple rule and that I might have pissed off other people. But I have ADHD, and rules and ADHD don't always mix.
I don't mean I'm a rebellious criminal, I've actually never commited a crime, but I mean other types of rules, like covid rules. I just found it stressful and I kept forgetting to obey the distancing guidelines.

Sometimes I wish I could wear a lanyard or something to tell people that I have ADHD and so don't always remember to conform to certain rules and that I'm not an inconsiderate jerk. It's why I get upset when I'm told off, because I don't want to break rules and I do care.

I often get told off at work for breaking health and safety rules. I'm not exactly clumsy though, I'm just not very orderly. So I don't exactly put myself in danger, but I can forget rules. Sounds contradicting I know.


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SharonB
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12 May 2022, 10:51 am

Got it. My ADHD child has a good dose of inadvertently breaking rules (and literally crossing lines). I think of myself as an absentminded professor.



RohanGoulding
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27 Jul 2022, 9:22 am

ThisIsMyUserName wrote:
As for me, everything is simple. Firstly, men are brought up from childhood in such a way that it is a shame to cry without having a very serious reason for it. I also read a study that men are physiologically less likely to cry a lot. They are better at controlling their emotions.

I agree with you. But, in my opinion, this is not correct. There is no need to hold back and hide your emotions. They need to be lived. And it doesn't matter whether you are a woman or a man.



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27 Jul 2022, 9:36 am

RohanGoulding wrote:
ThisIsMyUserName wrote:
As for me, everything is simple. Firstly, men are brought up from childhood in such a way that it is a shame to cry without having a very serious reason for it. I also read a study that men are physiologically less likely to cry a lot. They are better at controlling their emotions.
I agree with you. But, in my opinion, this is not correct. There is no need to hold back and hide your emotions. They need to be lived. And it doesn't matter whether you are a woman or a man.
Sure.

And when a man cries, women shun him as 'weak' and 'weird', while other men give him more things to cry about.



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27 Jul 2022, 9:41 am

Fnord wrote:
RohanGoulding wrote:
ThisIsMyUserName wrote:
As for me, everything is simple. Firstly, men are brought up from childhood in such a way that it is a shame to cry without having a very serious reason for it. I also read a study that men are physiologically less likely to cry a lot. They are better at controlling their emotions.
I agree with you. But, in my opinion, this is not correct. There is no need to hold back and hide your emotions. They need to be lived. And it doesn't matter whether you are a woman or a man.
Sure.

And when a man cries, women shun him as 'weak' and 'weird', while other men give him more things to cry about.


I wouldn’t think that way at all if a guy cried in front of me.

With that being said, I never cry in front of other people.


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Fnord
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27 Jul 2022, 9:47 am

Twilightprincess wrote:
Fnord wrote:
RohanGoulding wrote:
ThisIsMyUserName wrote:
As for me, everything is simple. Firstly, men are brought up from childhood in such a way that it is a shame to cry without having a very serious reason for it. I also read a study that men are physiologically less likely to cry a lot. They are better at controlling their emotions.
I agree with you. But, in my opinion, this is not correct. There is no need to hold back and hide your emotions. They need to be lived. And it doesn't matter whether you are a woman or a man.
Sure.  And when a man cries, women shun him as 'weak' and 'weird', while other men give him more things to cry about.
I wouldn’t think that way at all if a guy cried in front of me.
I have yet to meet a woman who reacts to an adult man crying with anything resembling real sympathy and compassion.  They all seem to look embarrassed and uncomfortable.  Those who have anything to say about it use such words as "be strong", "grow up", "be a man", and "you're so weird".

Yet, if asked, most will say that it is okay for a man to cry.


:scratch:



Twilightprincess
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27 Jul 2022, 9:52 am

Fnord wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
Fnord wrote:
RohanGoulding wrote:
ThisIsMyUserName wrote:
As for me, everything is simple. Firstly, men are brought up from childhood in such a way that it is a shame to cry without having a very serious reason for it. I also read a study that men are physiologically less likely to cry a lot. They are better at controlling their emotions.
I agree with you. But, in my opinion, this is not correct. There is no need to hold back and hide your emotions. They need to be lived. And it doesn't matter whether you are a woman or a man.
Sure.  And when a man cries, women shun him as 'weak' and 'weird', while other men give him more things to cry about.
I wouldn’t think that way at all if a guy cried in front of me.
I have yet to meet a woman who reacts to an adult man crying with anything resembling real sympathy and compassion.  They all seem to look embarrassed and uncomfortable.  Those who have anything to say about it use such words as "be strong", "grow up", "be a man", and "you're so weird".

Yet, if asked, most will say that it is okay for a man to cry.


:scratch:


I didn’t react that way to the couple of men who cried in front of me.


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