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Nades
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20 Sep 2021, 7:22 am

Dunno where to really post this but quite a few years ago I used to go to a club dedicated for people with autism. I became friends with this one particular guy but when I met him at his house one day he said a family member, who I thought was warm hearted and always had time for everyone, told him I seemed like a "choirboy".

I mentioned this briefly on another thread I made months ago but yesterday I was having a chat with a separate friend about stupid stuff people say behind others backs and I mentioned this. He thought it was an insulting analogy to use on any man (I was 24 when I was called "choirboy" by this woman, who was herself about 50).

At the time I brushed it off but looking back I feel I probably shouldn't have. Was it really insulting even if it wasn't intended so? I feel like more stupid gossip behind my back will obviously reoccur eventually, it's inevitable with everyone so I need a feel as to where a line might be as to when I can fire a couple of shots back.



kraftiekortie
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20 Sep 2021, 8:28 am

Forget about it.

They're saying you're a "goody-goody." Nothing more than that. Maybe with implications that you were using your "goody-goody" characteristics to influence people.



Nades
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20 Sep 2021, 10:24 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Forget about it.

They're saying you're a "goody-goody." Nothing more than that. Maybe with implications that you were using your "goody-goody" characteristics to influence people.



Hopefully. It's weird looking back in hindsight. Years of being treated like a kid (and I'm not alone in feeling this, especially on this forum) will make anyone doubt their maturity and knock someone's self esteem.

It's had a big impact on my sexuality too but not in the traditional sense of struggling to come to terms with what I'm into. Rather it's had a big impact with my confidence in actually displaying sings of sexuality....literally any signs for that matter. I have always put up a facade of asexuality because it's my own personal status quo of what have drummed into my head and expect from me. I'm only confident in breaking that facade with people who have no connection whatsoever with anyone I know personally on a day to day basis.



kraftiekortie
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20 Sep 2021, 10:28 am

I've been looked upon as a "goody-goody" myself. This has caused me to be in the "friendzone" with at least some women I've had an interest in.

I would say: if you like to be a decent person, stick to your guns. Don't start acting like a jerk just to attract women. I've tried that, and it just didn't work.

To be called a "choirboy" is not the worst insult in the world----except for somebody who really digs jerks and as*holes.



Nades
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20 Sep 2021, 10:38 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I've been looked upon as a "goody-goody" myself. This has caused me to be in the "friendzone" with at least some women I've had an interest in.

I would say: if you like to be a decent person, stick to your guns. Don't start acting like a jerk just to attract women. I've tried that, and it just didn't work.

To be called a "choirboy" is not the worst insult in the world----except for somebody who really digs jerks and as*holes.


Attracting women doesn't really bother me much I guess. It either happens or it doesn't.

It's just the broader attack on masculinity and maturity being called a choirboy implied. Being a joke or not I have no idea but or context, this friend who told me about it later disowned his own family after complaining about being treated like a kid by them. He even got married in secret and didn't invite them to his own wedding.

His family did seem like a bunch of pretentious knobs looking back. Very nice in person but a lot of digging under the surface and not all was as it seemed.



kraftiekortie
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20 Sep 2021, 10:43 am

As you probably know, people "attack" other's masculinity, frequently, because of their own insecurities.

I would say anybody who insults me without really knowing me----almost always have some other motive other than the dislike of myself. This is why I seek to disregard insults---because they are frequently not worth the mouth the insult comes from.

This is especially true for internet exchanges.



Nades
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20 Sep 2021, 10:52 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
As you probably know, people "attack" other's masculinity, frequently, because of their own insecurities.

I would say anybody who insults me without really knowing me----almost always have some other motive other than the dislike of myself. This is why I seek to disregard insults---because they are frequently not worth the mouth the insult comes from.

This is especially true for internet exchanges.


Insecurity might actually be the case. This lady did end up getting divorced in the end. Ironic really considering she considered her husband to be a lot more man than most but it's a shame her husband appeared to consider her inadequate for him.



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20 Sep 2021, 2:36 pm

I have been called "Choirboy," "Goody-Goody," and "White Knight," all in derogatory fashion. As KraftieKortie suggests, people often insult things that make them feel insecure or that they do not understand. Some people will use such terms in a non-insulting way, and merely as a descriptive term. So, for instance, you may have given this person the sense that you were innocent, naïve, or altogether just good intentioned in an almost child-like way, but not without any intention of implying something negative. But usually, such a term is more likely to suggest that a person is distastefully good-natured, that a person's good intentions are an affront to their status quo. Consider the following:

I have been (as noted) long considered a "Goody-Goody" by most people, that I am pretty much good natured overall, but on the other end I have been also termed a Narc or a Rat...somebody who will tattle to some authority if I catch another doing something they should not. How is this bad? Isn't that what we should all be doing? If you are doing something illicit, then you should expect that others will not like it or may tell authorities. So how is me doing this a behavior that is considered negative? Mind you, this isn't to say that I interact with criminals, but if, for instance, I am in a lunchroom and somebody steals somebody else's donut, and I am asked, I will very likely tell the truth on what I know.

The moral *should* be "Do not steal donuts," but instead it seems to be "Do not tattle on somebody else for stealing donuts, you rat!" So here I am, a good natured person, being viewed negatively for...doing the right thing. Why?

Again, this goes back to KraftieKortie's explanations. People do not like what makes them insecure, and one surefire way to make them feel insecure is to highlight their deficiencies by being better. It doesn't matter if you do so intentionally, or what the situation is. Being too good of a person makes people who are not as good feel bad, and they will resent you for it.

The best way of dealing with this is to ignore it in my experience as well. You will get much further appreciating yourself and doing what comes natural to you, than trying to live up to the expectations of others. If you are a good natured person, be a good natured person, and do not be concerned about what other people think about you. Those people have to figure out how to be ok with themselves and stop being concerned over what type of person YOU are.

As general advice, that is good. Of course, there are situations where you can't always continue in this fashion.