Why Do People Make AS People Apologize for Having Autism?

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CockneyRebel
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26 Dec 2016, 5:18 pm

I would never apologize to anybody for being autistic. That's as bad as expecting pity. I've also never found that I needed to apologize for being on the spectrum. I don't want pity from anybody.


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IstominFan
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26 Dec 2016, 5:35 pm

As I don't have a formal diagnosis, I haven't had to apologize for having anything. I have had to apologize for things I've done wrong, which is proper and good manners. However, I have often felt I had to apologize at times for being different and for the misunderstandings that caused.



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27 Dec 2016, 12:46 pm

JohnnyLurg wrote:
Exuvian wrote:
JohnnyLurg wrote:
I think being constantly punished and bullied by authority figures and peers for having AS traits from early childhood to adulthood certainly counts, as does being forced to disclose your AS to everyone you meet, which is the equivalent to having to wear a Jewish star everywhere you go.

Bullying sucks and is wrong. Someone really forced you to disclose?


They told me that it was wrong that I didn't tell them that I had AS during our first meeting and said it was my fault I lost my job because I didn't tell my employer I had AS. It wasn't literally "forced" per se, but it was still coersion.

Also I was once interrogated in a room by people asking me if I had a "learning disability" and I refused to answer which wasn't good enough for them.


Well that's just crap, I mean you should not have to tell anyone your medical history. Them saying it was wrong not to tell them, it's none of their damn business and they are just making a cop out at this point.

To the people asking if you have a learning disability none of their damn business either, I learned long ago that anger can override fear or sadness but brings its own issues. I tend to fall back on anger and do hurtful things, but it has had its advantages. Although not sure if that is helpful.



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27 Dec 2016, 4:52 pm

Just wanted to say that I do think JohnnyLurg is on to something.

I don't think people necessarily outright SAY, "Listen mister, you need to apologize for autism right now" but they DO insinuate it. And it's true, you are only entitled to ADA protection if you formally disclose that you have a disability. This means that 1) you have to discuss your autism status as a "disability" 2) you have to have a medical diagnosis, 3) you have to provide documentation of this diagnosis, AND maybe also what your accommodations should be to HR and/or your boss. If you verbally tell anyone that you are on the autism spectrum, they are legally allowed to tell other people and gossip about you. Yes, legally- it's been proven in court with a guy who had a lung problem and his co-workers found out and gossiped about it.

Sometimes you're in a good place and you don't have to worry about this stuff, or you're good at presenting yourself, but sometimes it's a real problem.



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27 Dec 2016, 5:53 pm

It seems to be an element of human nature to assume that other people are similar to oneself. This is why children, and some adults, too, can be incredulous that others food preferences are different to theirs (e.g. 'How can you not like fruitcake?' or 'Why would you like broccoli?'). In the same way, people with AS who can pass quite well as NT are assumed by NTs to be NT. Because of this assumption that the person with AS is a 'normal' person, NTs will perceive any ASD traits to be signs that the person with AS is misbehaving or is 'strange'. They don't really recognise the traits as signs of a condition, so expect the person with AS to be able to act normally. When the AS person fails in this, they expect an apology.

Conversely, those with classic autism, or lower-functioning autism are perceived as different enough to be classified as 'the other' by NTs. They are therefore not expected to behave normally, so are not blamed or asked to apologise if they exhibit ND behaviours.


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27 Dec 2016, 6:02 pm

FandomConnection wrote:
It seems to be an element of human nature to assume that other people are similar to oneself. This is why children, and some adults, too, can be incredulous that others food preferences are different to theirs (e.g. 'How can you not like fruitcake?' or 'Why would you like broccoli?'). In the same way, people with AS who can pass quite well as NT are assumed by NTs to be NT. Because of this assumption that the person with AS is a 'normal' person, NTs will perceive any ASD traits to be signs that the person with AS is misbehaving or is 'strange'. They don't really recognise the traits as signs of a condition, so expect the person with AS to be able to act normally. When the AS person fails in this, they expect an apology.

Conversely, those with classic autism, or lower-functioning autism are perceived as different enough to be classified as 'the other' by NTs. They are therefore not expected to behave normally, so are not blamed or asked to apologise if they exhibit ND behaviours.



I grew up always being made to apologize for stuff and lot of times I didn't even know why I was apologizing. Then I thought it was just something you say when you make a mistake or get someone upset, etc. Then I was saying it too much and then it was in high school "No you're not" and I was just doing what I had been taught to do by the adults. Then I find out as an adult I had this figured out all wrong. 8O I was even surprised when my mom agreed with the autistic people online when I was 19 that they are right, you shouldn't apologize if it's going to be a lie. But but but I was taught you are supposed to say sorry and then the other person goes "oh not a problem" and it's over and they are both made up and the hurt feelings are gone. So why the contradiction on my mom's part when she had been the one telling me to go say I'm sorry and then my husband told me 'they wanted you to mean it.' Oh so that was what I was missing. So the failure on their part was they assumed I understood and they should have taught me the meaning of apologies and teach me about my behavior and why it was wrong and give me a reason but instead they just assumed I understood. All I did was learned it by rote and script and was copying it because it was what you were supposed to do. Lot of NTs don't like this. Now I have a hard time with apologies because I have no idea if mine are real or fake and I didn't know there were such thing as fake apologies. You can't fake saying sorry.


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27 Dec 2016, 6:05 pm

Apologize for what? Egad!

It's like asking an elephant to apologize for having a trunk!



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28 Dec 2016, 2:22 am

the evolution of trunks has allowed elephants to consume the massive amount of food they need every day to survive.

autism has allowed....let's see....


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