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Technic1
Deinonychus
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25 Jul 2021, 2:39 am

How are your standards for friends and partners?

How much do you let them get away with before enough is enough and you end the relationship?



StrayCat81
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25 Jul 2021, 2:52 am

My only standard is that they have to be similar to myself... I have failed to find anyone like that though...

How about you though?



magz
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25 Jul 2021, 3:01 am

Between letting get away with things and ending the relationship, there is a broad spectrum of possible reactions - like telling a person what they did hurt you.
I try to react adequately, even if sometimes figuring out what was adequate takes time. It gets better with training.


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hurtloam
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25 Jul 2021, 3:16 am

I had a a best friend in my late teens. Meeting new people and finding out how other people behave and growing more mature myself, I realised that my friend had a bit of a personality problem.

I think part of it was due to insecurity. She is needlessly argumentative. If you say something is white she will say it is black.... No literally. The very last straw happened 2 years ago. I showed her a photo of my new pet. It's a cell phone photo. Not great lighting. I explained the fur is white underneath with black tips. She said, "it looks black to me." Dude, I know what colour my own pet is. I gave up after that.

That seems petty, but this is after years of second chances. I had pretty much cut contact years before, but she would get in touch every-so-often and I would reply.

It's like she has to put everyone down, even on the smallest thing to make herself feel superior.

The first time I went no contact was when she was meeting me and 2 other friends after work. She made it on time, but had a few errands to run and made us follow her around whilst she dropped some keys of, picked up a thing etc. And I thought. Wait a minute, why are we following her round like we're her enterage. Why is everything about her all the time.

She should have said she would meet us later and we could have continued enjoying our to together as friends and she could join later.

Oh, no that wasn't the last straw. She came to my new house and I opened the door and the first thing she said , no hello, no how are you..,"you gave me the wrong directions." I accidentally typed right instead of left on the very last turn. It just meant she was parked in the street adjacent to mine. It was within walking distance, not the other side of town. I almost slammed the door on her.

I've no idea if she's oblivious to how she is or if she enjoys being a nasty control freak, but I have no time for her negativity and ego anymore.

Edit: my point is I don't let people put me down or put other people down.



Last edited by hurtloam on 25 Jul 2021, 4:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

theidealist
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25 Jul 2021, 3:34 am

When it comes to other people, my standards are slightly high. I can be forgiving and I know that mistakes and misunderstandings happen all the time. It may sound cold and most people would describe me as cold and distant perfectionist - but I can't stand incompetence and simply acting like a douchebag. Ignoring me on purpose, eg.

I have higher standards for even myself and it has been sort of a problem nowadays. I feel like I can't trust my own mind and competence, it's painful. I wish I was more careless tho and could cope with failures.


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chaosmos
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25 Jul 2021, 3:56 am

I think I was friend with males growing up more because of predictability. Easier to read. Less BS. But I’m also a gay woman and have always had intimate relationships with women and this has often been disastrous and damaging maybe because I couldn’t read the signs that I was being used or treated poorly, or I was unhappy?

I have higher standards now as a woman in my 30s, but I also now have a very accepting partner of my quirks…



Edna3362
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25 Jul 2021, 4:13 am

High.

But not the way people think; my 'high' would likely mean 'meaningful' and at bare minimum can respect my boundaries.

Than, say, 'high class of a person' or some imaginary ideal competent person who do not make mistakes/is usually a bigger person kind/whatever ultimate social matching person.

If a person doesn't enrich me, nor that me do well for him/her, nor in anyway any party grew well by staying, I won't likely nor able to honor this person and our connection.



As for letting go?
That's the easiest part for me.
If the person tells me they want to let it go -- with or without telling me, I will let them go.
If they changed their mind, so be it.

If I wanna let someone go, gently, before they do so, I would have to assure them first.

If it didn't go gently, it depends if they can or if I can apologize. If they or I can grow out of it...
If we can't... I will let them go until we can grow.


I have my sentiments, I do miss people from time to time and even get attached -- but I'm more than fine being released from it.


Probably because I'm not that insecure.
I also never am 'addicted' to relations and socialization nor do crave it.
Nor fear of being alone; I almost do not feel loneliness.


I can have zero friends, I can have that one or two special ones, I can also have a hundreds of them -- it's all the same for me. :lol:


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Harry Haller
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25 Jul 2021, 10:40 am

No standards, but when in proximity of another very consciously notice:

"DOES this person suck the life out of me?"
(Sort of like Harry Potter meets Mr. Dementor)

If so I maintain distance :wink:



AprilR
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25 Jul 2021, 3:32 pm

I think neither too high nor too low. In the past it was ridiculously low because of my insecurity and fear of being left alone. Thanks to therapy i have managed to overcome it. (mostly)



HeroOfHyrule
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25 Jul 2021, 3:37 pm

My standards are probably a bit too low. I can be very forgiving and miss/ignore obvious signs.


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Alterity
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25 Jul 2021, 9:25 pm

Apparently too high since I have neither partner nor friends..ahaha....heh >_>

I do agree that I have high standards but it's not like it's anymore more than what I demand of myself. They might be different things but of the same caliber...actually my standard for myself is usually higher.

There's some things I'm unmoving on and others I tend to customize to specific people because some people just need allowances for some things.

I probably give more allowances for partners than friends. I don't know if that is good or bad. Typically when I've had enough when my emotional state starts to drastically suffer. If the Stress or exhaustion of dealing with them and whatever is going on exceeds my tolerance to where I just stop caring...that's probably the end. It might just mean I take a break from them but depending on the situation it might mean I just stop reaching out to them. When I stop, that typically means I never hear from them again lol


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Technic1
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26 Jul 2021, 5:18 am

Personally I expect people not to make mistakes and be perfect in my eyes.



warrier120
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26 Jul 2021, 3:06 pm

My standards for friends are generally high. I have no best friends, instead either classifying friends as "regular" or "close" friends. For all friends, I expect at least some of our personality traits to be compatible, but I expect more for close friends. In addition, I generally only become close friends with people whose values and beliefs are similar to mine.

I have no interest in being in a romantic relationship. It's for this reason that my expectations for potential partners are even higher than the ones I have for friends.


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funeralxempire
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26 Jul 2021, 3:53 pm

Standards? If someone tolerates me that's often the only standard I'll hold them too.


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HeroOfHyrule
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26 Jul 2021, 3:56 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
Standards? If someone tolerates me that's often the only standard I'll hold them too.

I find this too relatable. It often doesn't even matter if I can tolerate them or not... lol


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I use he/him pronouns.

I like playing video games, watching cartoons and anime, reading, and cooking.

I have two cats, a rabbit, and a dog. I also enjoy learning + cataloguing information about different types of animals and plants.

Empathy Quotient: 34/80
Systemizing Quotient: 104/150
Friendship Quotient: 56/140
Autism Quotient: 36/80

RAADS-R: 169

CAT-Q: 153
Compensation: 57
Masking: 47
Assimilation: 49

Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 144 of 200.
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 63 of 200.
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie).


ToughDiamond
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27 Jul 2021, 11:12 am

I think I'm fairly strong on defending my boundaries with people. They don't get away with much. It can upset me a lot to have to assert myself with somebody I'm close to, and I can feel very suspicious about myself in case I might start coming over like a control freak, but good sense usually prevails in the end and I don't tolerate behaviour from them that would ride roughshod over my standards. I've never tolerated jerks gladly, and I'm normally very picky about who I spend my time with. I avoid people who are loud, aggressive, bossy, invasive, or manipulative.

One of my biggest problems is that where I'm currently living a lot of the people are rather right-wing religionists who are often sold on the idea that Covid and vaccinations are just some evil leftie plot to destroy the country. They're also often quite racist, but because I'm white like everybody else in the area it doesn't come up much. They're very friendly people as long as you avoid discussing politics and religion, and we've been good to each other, but I often wonder what would be left of my friendships here if I revealed my ideology to them. It makes me aware of a big distance between us and I often feel like a fake for not confronting them so that they would know me as I am. So in a sense I feel oppressed by them, though I'm sure they don't mean to oppress me.