Is it normal for some aspies to have no confidence?

Page 1 of 2 [ 29 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

catpiecakebutter
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 13 Feb 2020
Gender: Female
Posts: 31

26 Sep 2021, 9:43 pm

I have no confidence, I lack self esteem and respect. I don't want to change the way I am and I don't like it when people have giving me a compliment before. For example before covid people say I do a sport well in Special Olympics I would rather if the coaches and athletes would cheer everyone else in the sport but me. I feel I don't deserve it. Also I don't like it when other people compliment my tattoos, nails, hair, glasses, clothing, ect. I know I hate myself.
Is it normal for some aspies to have no confidence?



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 110,013
Location: the island of defective toy santas

26 Sep 2021, 10:14 pm

many here are in your situation. when you grow older like me, you may well find that the situation mellows out somewhat.



Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,318
Location: New York City (Queens)

26 Sep 2021, 10:19 pm

What do you dislike about people complimenting you for doing a sport well? Do the compliments feel insincere?

Unfortunately, probably a great many autistic people lack confidence.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter (new as of 2021)


catpiecakebutter
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 13 Feb 2020
Gender: Female
Posts: 31

26 Sep 2021, 11:15 pm

It's not about compliments being insincere. Its about the fact that I hate myself due to the face I'm 37, don't have a job, never went college, didn't really finish high school and various other personal reasons.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 110,013
Location: the island of defective toy santas

27 Sep 2021, 1:21 am

i know it seems like a cold comfort at best, but you are among many other posters here in a very similar situation in their own lives. i am one of them. i was more or less daily belittled growing up, told i was basically crazy and good for nothing. it made me crazy for a while.



Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 33,393
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

27 Sep 2021, 1:48 am

catpiecakebutter wrote:
I have no confidence, I lack self esteem and respect. I don't want to change the way I am and I don't like it when people have giving me a compliment before. For example before covid people say I do a sport well in Special Olympics I would rather if the coaches and athletes would cheer everyone else in the sport but me. I feel I don't deserve it. Also I don't like it when other people compliment my tattoos, nails, hair, glasses, clothing, ect. I know I hate myself.
Is it normal for some aspies to have no confidence?


Well I struggle with that to, so maybe not so uncommon...but yeah idk you should try to feel good about the compliments, but i get how that can be hard...if like you don't really see it. But idk sometimes you just gotta assume the people are being geniune when they give compliments and even if it is hard try to see it as the positive thing they are trying to do...even if you don't feel it well you don't want to rain on them to. Or at least that is how I feel so I still try to take compliments well...but yeah for sure a lot of times it just feels akward and its like hard to appreciate it because I just feel embarrassed and would rather just disappear than acknowledge it...but then I know not at all acknowledging a compliment can make some people feel bad and I worry about that to.


_________________
We won't go back.


AprilR
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Apr 2016
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,963

27 Sep 2021, 9:36 am

I have very little confidence in my abilities, but i do generally like myself as aa whole

I used to hate myself very strongly until a few years ago, i still do sometimes. Also i hate compliments too, and people who like me or attracted to me turn me off.



Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,318
Location: New York City (Queens)

27 Sep 2021, 11:18 am

AprilR wrote:
I have very little confidence in my abilities, but i do generally like myself as aa whole

I used to hate myself very strongly until a few years ago, i still do sometimes.

What helped you stop hating yourself?

AprilR wrote:
Also i hate compliments too, and people who like me or attracted to me turn me off.

What bothers you about people liking you?

When I was younger I used to be annoyed by people (primarily men) who seemed to "like" or be attracted to me in what felt like superficial, one-dimensional, disrespectful ways, e.g. people who were attracted to my physical appearance and equated that with liking me as a person. I felt that they didn't really like me but only an image of me that they had in their head; they didn't know me anywhere near well enough to really like me.

Is this the sort of thing that bothers you, or something else?

Do you not want to have any friends (who would have to be people who like you as a person)?


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter (new as of 2021)


AprilR
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Apr 2016
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,963

27 Sep 2021, 1:39 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
AprilR wrote:
I have very little confidence in my abilities, but i do generally like myself as aa whole

I used to hate myself very strongly until a few years ago, i still do sometimes.

What helped you stop hating yourself?


AprilR wrote:
Also i hate compliments too, and people who like me or attracted to me turn me off.

What bothers you about people liking you?

When I was younger I used to be annoyed by people (primarily men) who seemed to "like" or be attracted to me in what felt like superficial, one-dimensional, disrespectful ways, e.g. people who were attracted to my physical appearance and equated that with liking me as a person. I felt that they didn't really like me but only an image of me that they had in their head; they didn't know me anywhere near well enough to really like me.

Is this the sort of thing that bothers you, or something else?

Do you not want to have any friends (who would have to be people who like you as a person)?


To the first question: I guess therapy, medication and communicating with other autistic people. And my faith to an extent. I like myself most of the time now.

About your other questions:

I am not sure how to explain. I do wish for friends but i want them to see me as a certain way. If someone sees and "accepts" my unlikable aspects it sort of creeps me out and i feel bad for them.

I think as fellow human beings people should help each other out regardless they like each other or not. The few friends i have are very empathetic, kind and helpful people and i am sure they think the same.



Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,318
Location: New York City (Queens)

27 Sep 2021, 2:25 pm

AprilR wrote:
To the first question: I guess therapy, medication and communicating with other autistic people. And my faith to an extent. I like myself most of the time now.

That's great. In particular, I would expect that "communicating with other autistic people" would help many others here as well.

AprilR wrote:
I do wish for friends but i want them to see me as a certain way.

How do you want them to see you?

AprilR wrote:
If someone sees and "accepts" my unlikable aspects it sort of creeps me out and i feel bad for them.

How do you want people to respond to your "unlikeable aspects," should they happen to see them (as they inevitably will if they've known you long enough)?

AprilR wrote:
I think as fellow human beings people should help each other out regardless they like each other or not.

That's an important cultural value that has gotten lost among many people in the modern West. Hopefully it's still very much alive where you are?

AprilR wrote:
The few friends i have are very empathetic, kind and helpful people and i am sure they think the same.

It's great that you've been able to find such friends.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter (new as of 2021)


AprilR
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Apr 2016
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,963

27 Sep 2021, 3:01 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
That's great. In particular, I would expect that "communicating with other autistic people" would help many others here as well.


I hope so. When i first joined an autism forum i was very nervous but i met some very kind people there who helped me a lot. So i am trying to help people here as well.

Mona Pereth wrote:

How do you want them to see you?


I guess i want them to see a mixture of my true personality and whom i try to be. I don't want to act like a completely different person but i am very used to acting so i sometimes automatically do it. I want someone to see through that if that makes sense?

Mona Pereth wrote:
.
How do you want people to respond to your "unlikeable aspects," should they happen to see them (as they inevitably will if they've known you long enough)?


Maybe acting sympathetic and tolerating them. They don't have to act like i am "so cute" when i act naive and clueless for my age.


Mona Pereth wrote:
That's an important cultural value that has gotten lost among many people in the modern West. Hopefully it's still very much alive where you are?


I guess among certain groups. I live in a sort of multicultural place but comparing with the West i guess it is true. People are more community oriented here, the attitude towards disability is also different. Bullying and outright hostility is less common, but most people pity the disabled. Autistic people are treated as innocent and good people as opposed to the demonization in the West.
But it has its downsides too.


Mona Pereth wrote:

It's great that you've been able to find such friends.


Thank you, sometimes i cannot believe i have such great friends. They influenced and inspired me to be a better person too.



Fern
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,239

27 Sep 2021, 4:28 pm

catpiecakebutter wrote:
It's not about compliments being insincere. Its about the fact that I hate myself due to the face I'm 37, don't have a job, never went college, didn't really finish high school and various other personal reasons.


I'm near you in age, and I did all of those things: got a job, finished school, etc.... but there are still days when I feel exactly the way you are describing anyway. I used to think that achieving these things would make that shame or self-hate go away, but unfortunately mental health is not that simple.

I have had a really good experience seeing a counselor over the past year. In particular we really dissected what was behind my sense of self-loathing and have been working on it. If you are in a position to look for someone who might be a good fit for you, I highly recommend it.


_________________
This is me.


mohsart
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Feb 2020
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 710
Location: Southern Sweden

27 Sep 2021, 5:51 pm

I am complex when it comes to these issues.

On one hand I know that I'm competent at my job and am a good worker.
On the other I still lack confidence in my ability to do a good job.

One one hand I cannot really handle compliments and often brush them off with "Nah it's not that good" or the like.
On the other I really strive to get compliments and I enjoy being liked and somewhat popular.
And I don't *really* think that I'm liked or popular, despite having seen proof for it at least in some cases being the case.

/Mats


_________________
Interests: Comic books, Manga; most things to do with Handicraft, wood, textile, metal etc, modern materials; horror, true crime; languages, art, and history to an extent
Uninterests: All things about motors; celebrities; fashion; sports; career; stock market
Feel free to PM me!


SharonB
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jul 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,297

27 Sep 2021, 6:07 pm

I wonder about this. When I stand alone I have confidence in myself. Most of the time I am told I radiate confidence. But relative to others, when challenged, I don't - at least not internally and eventually that shows up externally. I was invalidated and/or criticized relentlessly as a child. Having ASD in an NT world perpetuated that to a large degree. On the other hand my ASD-like BFF who has more self-esteem, but less confidence than me. She was raised in a household by two (likely) ASD parents and was validated - she was Normal in her household and could pass easily in the structured private school. However, we both "suffer" from giving space to others and not ourselves - that seems to be a female affliction in this gendered world of ours.



Edna3362
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Oct 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 9,618
Location: ᜆᜄᜎᜓᜄ᜔

27 Sep 2021, 7:09 pm

My confidence is not consistent. So is my self esteem in turn.
Because my abilities and expressions do not express consistently as I intended or needed it.

No amount of winning or losing streaks or numbered odds of stats will assure or waver me.
Because nothing will come out consistently, and I cannot predict the source of inconsistencies.
My 'past' scores of performance becomes irrelevant.


Really, I can outperform everyone at any day -- but at the same time I cannot hope to any day.
I can be competent at one moment, only to lose it all at next.
Or the opposite -- I can be completely dysfunctional at one moment, only to have all in control of everything at next.
I won't know if I have it until it's over.


It is one thing to deal with first degree of uncertainty alone, which is usually the self's perception.
A change of attitude might as well cure it.

It is another when dealing that seem to meta itself -- it's not just the self who's seeing the uncertainty anymore.
No amount of internal change of perspective is going to alter it.

Frustrating.
I'm still trying to find and solve the root cause of it.




I think the lack of confidence in most aspies is more rooted to one's ability to take uncertainty, and self esteem is rooted to the ability to perceive/misperceive said uncertainties.

To compensate for the wholly external uncertainties, many aspies hold onto internal consistencies -- usually manifested into a form of personal rigidity.
It can be their special interest, their test scores, specific traits, or how people should treat them, etc.
That's my theory at least. :lol:


_________________
Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).


Pepe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jun 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,707
Location: Australia

29 Sep 2021, 10:51 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
What do you dislike about people complimenting you for doing a sport well? Do the compliments feel insincere?

Unfortunately, probably a great many autistic people lack confidence.


Agreed.
Hardly surprising when you consider most of us are hopeless socially, at least when we were young.


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude. Hypnosis, psychosis. Tomarto, tomayto. There are *4* lights. Honey badger.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,



Also, as George Carlin said, "I have no stake in the outcome." I'll stick around for the comedy.

"A stranger is a friend gang-stalker you haven't met yet."
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)
Read my lips:-I am not a fan of the orange man.-I would never vote for the Republican party given the chance.-I am interested in being objective and rational.