People misunderstanding social difficulties

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Shadweller
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19 Jan 2022, 12:37 pm

Does anyone else have issues due to people misunderstanding your social difficulties along the lines of them perceiving these difficulties as being a deliberate and rude snub, and hating you for it?

This has been a recurring issue for me. A combination of social anxiety and what feels like my collection of Autistic traits can sometimes make it impossible for me to respond to people in a way that I would like. Sometimes this is so bad that I just have to leave the setting.

And people very often interpret it as me deliberately being a knob and they absolutely hate me for it. They have absolutely no idea about my social difficulties, and that it is my anxiety and Autistic traits that are causing the issues rather than any deliberate rudeness on my part.

I am aware that this is how society operates, and that it has always been this way. People only ever see the surface level, and they either don't understand or don't care about what may be the cause. On the surface level my behaviour was that of a knob. We are judged by our actions, and people don't usually care as to the reasons behind them.

I have a pretty bad case of this going on at the moment. I've joined a mid week pool league (as in the cue sport, not swimming). I knew it would be a stretch for me socially but things have gone disastrously wrong recently. People don't hold back there, and the guy who runs the place loudly said to me "HOW MUCH OF A KNOB CAN YOU BE!?" I think because the last time I was there I clammed up when one of the guys started talking to me, and lost it when a couple of them started playing on the table next to me. I just left without saying a word to them because I got overwhelmed with anxiety and felt so panicked and awkward. I know this has been interpreted as "being a knob" / a deliberate snub / rudeness etc. I can sense that I am likely to be ostracised now. I could sense this brewing last time I was there. I'm not being paranoid, I know how word spreads there.

I'm not sure what to do now. I was thinking about messaging the people involved and explaining that I have social difficulties and that I am not deliberately being a rude "knob". But I know how human nature works, I think they hate me right now, so they likely just aren't going to be receptive to caring or understanding or even believing me.

Ironically the guy who runs the league and made the comment, posted on his Facebook page a few weeks ago about Autism Awareness. I certainly don't think he is aware that I think I have it. I certainly have social difficulties and many traits that make sense to me as Autistic traits. I will be having my diagnosis and results done in the next few weeks, so will soon know for sure.

I think things may have got to a stage where I have nothing left to loose. In the past I have been able to turn similarly difficult work situations around, but this is different because it's a purely social thing. If I'm going to be strongly hated and verbally abused and ostracised then I'm not going to go any more. And I might as well tell them rather than leave without saying anything. The guy might be amazing, and be like "you should have told me.!" I mean, that is the ideal, there's no way of knowing how people will react.

Anyone had any similar circumstances, and if so what did you do. Or what would you do if this happened to you?



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19 Jan 2022, 12:53 pm

I got ganged up on at a volunteer job I used to do. A few of the other women there were a bit cliquey and suddenly had a problem with some of my behaviours. I don't mean I behaved poorly, I just mean they made a meal out of a few minor quirks that could easily have been ignored rather than a reason to gang up on me and humiliate me.

I didn't know I had ADHD then, but my quirks were classic ADHD symptoms. If only I knew then that I had ADHD I would have told them, but I suppose that doesn't always mean people will take me seriously.

They called me 'nosy' because I was always jumping into conversations or wanting to know what was going on. I wasn't actually intending on being nosy, I naturally cared about things and my intentions were no different to the average person who isn't nosy (most NTs do have a desire to know the latest gossip and I felt the same). But because nobody told me things, I found I had to ask instead ("I haven't seen Jane for weeks, is she all right?", "why aren't John and Tom talking?", "has Amy left?" that sort of thing). So then they started playing mind games, planning on personally attacking me when I next asked a question, and calling me nosy behind my back. I just didn't like being the last to know stuff everybody else knew and wasn't private.

I don't think these people would have overreacted to my social awkwardness if they weren't bitchy, as true friends let you in on gossip. I had to leave the voluntary job because I was too sensitive to the bitchiness that went on. These were women in their 50s and 60s, not teenagers.


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Edna3362
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19 Jan 2022, 1:06 pm

I dislike people mistaking communication issues due to fighting through mental haze, brain fogginess, acute fatigue, overwhelm of any form or chronic stress induced symptoms as the "autistic bubble". :roll:

Or "narcissism". Or essentially "self-ism".
Worse if it's equated to introversion traits and just choose to be "social". :roll:

If I live my life that way, I'd be miserable. Would've burnout sooner and faster and likely won't recover.

Oh, and yeah, also burnout.
How does one explain that, especially when words are one of the first ones to go and last ones to return.

I'd rather be intentionally or impulsively rude, than be accidentally nice or having to be nice.


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ASPartOfMe
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19 Jan 2022, 7:54 pm

Does anybody on the spectrum not have social difficulties?


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Joe90
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19 Jan 2022, 8:11 pm

ASPartOfMe wrote:
Does anybody on the spectrum not have social difficulties?


Yes, my brother. He's been recently diagnosed with Asperger's but I don't know how because he doesn't have social difficulties, even as a child he didn't. At school he hung around with the popular kids and he wasn't interested in football or anything, plus he was on the shy side. Usually if a male Aspie teen is shy and doesn't fake interest in sports they don't really get accepted by popular boys. But my brother did, and they weren't exploiting him, they were his true friends. He's still friends with some of them to this day and went clubbing a lot with them when he was younger.

So, to answer your question, yes.


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Edna3362
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19 Jan 2022, 9:21 pm

ASPartOfMe wrote:
Does anybody on the spectrum not have social difficulties?

When I'm not ill, unwell, mismanaged, exhausted or imbalanced in some way or form.

It could've been prevented easily or at least managed on daily basis if it weren't for some other non autistic issues.



I don't count social achievements as a sign of not having social issues myself.
Anyone could've been lucky, in right time and place with a right "personality" and happened to have a type of "charm".

:P There is more to socialization than just making friends around them.


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auntblabby
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19 Jan 2022, 9:34 pm

the aspies among us with brute-force brain power and a relative lack of addlements, they do fine.



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19 Jan 2022, 9:47 pm

ASPartOfMe wrote:
Does anybody on the spectrum not have social difficulties?

With the right people there's a case for the idea that I do as well as anybody. A great deal depends on who the people are. I'm likely to flounder in homogenous, competitive, judgemental, right-leaning, not-very-inclusive-or-friendly groups. But I figured that out before I knew what ASD was, so to my mind it was just a matter of avoiding as*holes.

Even in the workplace (which was likely the biggest source of people of random personality) I wasn't particularly unpopular on the whole. It certainly helped when I began to adopt a more courteous interpersonal style instead of shooting my mouth off without considering what the effect might be. And as I only worked in science jobs, I had the advantage of an environment that's perhaps relatively free of that judgemental, bigoted thing that so many people are afflicted with. It wasn't universally true of everybody there, but I think most of them were less prone to jump to conclusions than the common herd, and were more thoughtful and appreciated intelligent communication. It was mostly the admin people and the managers without much of a science background who got into conflicts with me.



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19 Jan 2022, 10:03 pm

Tag clothing? Just cut the tags from it's seems.
That annoying buzz across the streets? Get some ear plugs.

But how about if it's the raw dry like feeling on the throat and no amount of meds or soothing drink to get rid of it?
How about loud breathing to a point that earplugs became more detrimental instead?

Nope, someone needs an ENT more than sensory sensitivity techniques.

auntblabby wrote:
the aspies among us with brute-force brain power and a relative lack of addlements, they do fine.

I have more addlements that aren't caused by autism, but do directly worsen autism issues.

If anything, it didn't made me more autistic. Just less functioning and more frustrated.


It kind of reminds me...

I understand the lack of learning disabilities, mental impairments or physical issues. Or even lack of mental health vulnerability.
And even if there is, it is deem irrelevant.

Yet some of them hadn't expressed burnout and claim loss of skills after cumulative stress.
Some of them never been stuck or had their heads tricked into it in some way or form even if there's chronic physical or mental health issues involved.

I'd rather learn it's secrets.


There's something simply left unspoken of not having to deal with said addlements simply because there's nothing to complain about, and do not express not dealing with it.

So... A lot complaining about it, a few actually dealing with it, and almost rarely ever getting out of it.


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AspieAuthor18
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24 Jan 2022, 11:01 pm

I believe that all aspies have social difficulties. I talk about this on my Twitter page at AspieAuthor18



auntblabby
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24 Jan 2022, 11:03 pm

^^hiya AA18 and welcome to our club :alien: :alien: :alien: but just the same it must be mentioned that an elect few aspies are pretty danged good at concealing and emulating, we should study these people more. :idea:



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24 Jan 2022, 11:20 pm

Persons not on the autism spectrum can tell that there is something unusual about me, but can't put their finger on it.



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24 Jan 2022, 11:31 pm

I've actually found a bit of a silver lining in AS going relatively mainstream in recent years in that I can just say "whoops, got a little autistic there for a moment!" and people will generally know what I meant, and it's not taken as outing myself, though I am pretty out about it. Depending on the specific social faux pas, I might use a different comment in the same vein, "sorry, I nerd out on this stuff!" when I realize that I've been monopolizing a conversation at high speed and the other person is giving me a funny look, for example, or "had to duck out for a second to think straight!" if I had to abruptly leave somewhere that got too loud, that sort of thing.


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25 Jan 2022, 6:22 am

Joe90 wrote:
ASPartOfMe wrote:
Does anybody on the spectrum not have social difficulties?


Yes, my brother. He's been recently diagnosed with Asperger's but I don't know how because he doesn't have social difficulties, even as a child he didn't. At school he hung around with the popular kids and he wasn't interested in football or anything, plus he was on the shy side. Usually if a male Aspie teen is shy and doesn't fake interest in sports they don't really get accepted by popular boys. But my brother did, and they weren't exploiting him, they were his true friends. He's still friends with some of them to this day and went clubbing a lot with them when he was younger.

So, to answer your question, yes.

Being diagnosed with ASD and actually being on the spectrum are not necessarily the same thing.


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25 Jan 2022, 6:34 am

A bunch of replies here along the lines of I can mask effectively enough. What that means is that you outwardly do not have social difficulties. If out of mental exhaustion your non social time is impaired you are having social difficulties just not outwardly, as least for the time being.


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25 Jan 2022, 7:59 pm

ASPartOfMe wrote:
A bunch of replies here along the lines of I can mask effectively enough. What that means is that you outwardly do not have social difficulties. If out of mental exhaustion your non social time is impaired you are having social difficulties just not outwardly, as least for the time being.


What do you mean by "non social time"?


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