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HeroOfHyrule
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15 May 2022, 11:49 pm

I've had relatives describe me as "very friendly" and sometimes they say they are concerned about it. I like almost everyone I meet and am eager to help people, even people I just met, which gets me into trouble sometimes. I was also very eager to interact with strangers as a kid as long as they were nice to me, and somewhat still am.

I know autistic people aren't supposed to be "friendly", but I'm wondering if others are also considered to be "too friendly" by others?



HighLlama
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16 May 2022, 3:18 am

I can relate to this. Honestly, I just see myself as being polite. I think most NTs interpret that as meaning more, but that's because they don't like themselves. One thing I've learned is how desperate they are for validation. For social people, they're really not nice to each other.

Like you, I'd gladly help someone and assume their need is genuine. That's just about doing the right thing. But, since NTs are very conscious of social status, these situations mean something very different to them. I think sometimes it's better to be disliked than liked, then. What people like about me is often very questionable.



mohsart
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16 May 2022, 3:31 am

Defenitely!
I mentioned in another thread that I offered to help a colleague learning to drive.
Another example, when a colleague on a previous job showed interest in The Doors I immediately lended him all my records with them.
I got to talking comics with an acquaintance once and lended him 100 or so comic books.
I could go on...
These people were/are not close to me, we barely know each other.

/Mats


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Where_am_I
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16 May 2022, 8:46 am

Yes. But I don't let anyone get away with taking advantage (once I'm aware of it), and make my boundaries known.


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kraftiekortie
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16 May 2022, 8:55 am

I'm the type that sometimes gives TMI (too much information) :)

Sometimes, people believe folks who give out TMI are "retarded." Sometimes, people have thought that I was "retarded" because I am so friendly and seemingly naive.

"Retard" was a common insult directed at me in elementary and junior high school. One kid paid somewhat mightily for calling me "retarded."

One thing, though.....when I was 9 years old, I used to like to watch kids from the "retarded school" play in their schoolyard. I used to watch them from high above that schoolyard. Some one came over to me and told me to "beat it." I guess they didn't believe I was "retarded," even though I told the guy that I "used to be retarded."

I was also once thrown out of my old "special school" bodily when I came over to that school to visit it after I was thrown out because my family couldn't afford the tuition.



Joe90
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16 May 2022, 9:05 am

Aren't people with downs syndrome and William's syndrome often "too friendly" too?

I don't think I'm "too friendly", as I do have social boundaries. But I have been accused of being nosy though, because of wanting to be emotionally involved in the gossip in the workplace. But I think those people were just judgemental.

I'm shy around strangers and I tend to avoid eye contact. I'm not the sort to start chatting to anybody. At the hairdresser's I just sit in silence unless they talk to me. Otherwise I don't know what to say. I hear other people monologuing on about themselves and their lives and I can tell the hairdresser just pretends to be interested, but I feel that if I went on and on about myself I'd feel like a self-obsessed narcissist. But I don't like to ask the hairdresser questions about their lives because, to be honest, I'm not interested. I only do small talk.


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Where_am_I
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16 May 2022, 9:40 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I'm the type that sometimes gives TMI (too much information) :)

Sometimes, people believe folks who give out TMI are "retarded." Sometimes, people have thought that I was "retarded" because I am so friendly and seemingly naive.

"Retard" was a common insult directed at me in elementary and junior high school. One kid paid somewhat mightily for calling me "retarded."

One thing, though.....when I was 9 years old, I used to like to watch kids from the "retarded school" play in their schoolyard. I used to watch them from high above that schoolyard. Some one came over to me and told me to "beat it." I guess they didn't believe I was "retarded," even though I told the guy that I "used to be retarded."

I was also once thrown out of my old "special school" bodily when I came over to that school to visit it after I was thrown out because my family couldn't afford the tuition.


That's so evil :|


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kraftiekortie
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16 May 2022, 9:45 am

Yep…I was pretty sad for a while after it happened.



H_Taterz
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16 May 2022, 12:32 pm

I was that way when I was younger. I was FREQUENTLY taken advantage of and became wiser (and more bitter) as I got older. I'm definitely not that way now. :lol:
I became street smart in my 20s.

We all have our backgrounds as to why. Sometimes it's taking the lesson "be nice to people" too literally. Sometimes it's religion, or the area where you were raised. And sometimes it's due to parental neglect.
It's not just autism specific, but I'm guessing your relatives are concerned about you being taken advantage of and/or not being cautious enough.

There are plenty of sociopaths out there that can sniff out a vulnerable person the same way a wolf can sniff out prey.


HeroOfHyrule wrote:
I've had relatives describe me as "very friendly" and sometimes they say they are concerned about it. I like almost everyone I meet and am eager to help people, even people I just met, which gets me into trouble sometimes. I was also very eager to interact with strangers as a kid as long as they were nice to me, and somewhat still am.

I know autistic people aren't supposed to be "friendly", but I'm wondering if others are also considered to be "too friendly" by others?



aghogday
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16 May 2022, 3:19 pm



Interestingly, Studies Have Been Done
That Show Some Autistic Folks Have
Super Sensitive Mirror Neuron Systems

That Effectively Enhance Human Empathy
in Affective Ways And Cognitive Empathy Ways

That Generally Speaking, Enhance the Altruism
Potential Of Human Nature; Far Away From the

General Stereotype of Aloof and Cold that Might
Greater 'Reflect' Similar Studies That Do Show

Some Autistic Folks
May Have Hypo-Sensitive
Mirror Neurons And They Also
May not Be Wired Well Now for the
Social Bonding Neurohormone Oxytocin
The Brings the Warmth Folks 'Normally' Feel
in Altruistic FRiEnDLY Acts of Life With or Without

Any Expectation
of Reciprocal Return
in Expressions Now of
Communication or 'Stuff;'

Yep in My Case, it Kinda Worked
Out As Expected As After All THere
is A 'F R E D' Literally 'in' "FRiEnD"...

Never met a Stranger,
Not Even A Grain of

Sand And Yes in A 'Christian Trump
Town,' i've Been Called F Words
Other Than Fred Just For Being

Super Kind With SMiLes for Everyone i Meet...

Yet Ya See, Not Everyone Has Hyper-Tuned Social-Empathic
Ways of Feeling the Human World and the Rest of Nature with
Hyper-Sensitive Literal Touch and Mirror Neurons in Terms of
'Mirror-Touch Synesthesia' That Actually Empathically Feels the Pleasure

And Pain of others

From Such A Long

Distance;

i Understand
Not Everyone is
'A Savant of Love';

Some Days it Can And Will Feel

Kinda Lonely FOR OTHER FOLKS;

YET RARELY FoR Me NoW as i've LEarned

to Generate All my Own Happiness within;

Just more to give, share, care, and heal for
Real for All with Least Harm NoW iN JoY OF LiGHT;

However, WHere i Live, Where THere is 'Big Daddy Trump
Meme' of Boys Don't Show Emotions And Crying And Smiling

Was Really a Sin For Men Back in the Decades After i Was Born in 1960,

i Practically Had to Get As

Strong As Superman

to Live as

Love Here;

And Yes, i Am
Actually Just about
As Strong as An Orangutan
Now Still Leg Pressing Up to 1520

Pounds Coming to 62 on June 6th;

Yet It's True, You Can Look it up online,

Even Gorilla's Hold Little Kitties With Eyes
of Love WHO
'See' Warmth;

WHO Feel Warmth;

WHO Sense Warmth
Within As Bonobo's Yes

Are Even More Super-Empathic Than That;

Perhaps, it's just that so Many Humans are
Distracted With a Data-Download Life and Forget How...

Oh What May
Be Forgotten

And Lost

When Replaced

With More and Less than Love...

Yawn, i'm Strong Enough to Love Now
And Powerful Enough Not to Harm Anyone Else

Naked
Enough
Whole
Complete
Now For Real
Loving Free Without Fear.

It's Really KinDA Sad When
Ya Grow Up in A Place Where

Folks Hate Love

In All Colors
of the 'Trump
Meme' Sadly Still 'Breeding'

In CuLTuRaL Ways of Ignorance
of Love Most For All Without Fear...

Can't Count the Number of Folks Who
Have Asked me for 'THE REASON' i am
So Kind in Life;' It's KinDa Simple, Kind

Feels
Loves
Like
Heaven
to Me

Now;

It Feels
GREAT, So
i Do it; Doesn't
Have to be Brain
Science; Yet it is too...

For me at Least Now, Not
Unlike the Goddess of Victory

'Nike'

That's
What IT

IS True
Victory
to me

So God Yes,
"I Just Do IT" Now..:)



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autisticelders
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16 May 2022, 3:51 pm

See also appeasement or people pleasing as a response to trauma. Look up the responses to trauma: Fight , flight, freeze and fawn> Fawning is appeasement behavior we learn to protect ourselves when we are unable to defend ourselves while trapped in situations we can not control (childhood abuse, for example) fawning behavior is learned behavior helpless victims use to try to fend off punishment, anger, harsh words or other unpleasant treatment by others. Many of us were trained to be unquestioningly compliant as very small children and we may have adapted by trying very very hard to please anybody and everybody indiscriminately by habit in attempt to keep ourselves safe. Sometimes this happens even before we speak or go to school. I have been told I "try too hard" to get people to like me. "too friendly" "too helpful" "too giving" etc etc etc. I had been conditioned at a very young age to respond to commands and demands from others, without questioning if I wanted to, had feelings about it, was afraid or wanted to do something else. I must be obedient and please anybody and everybody, serve and give without question. It has been a heck of a habit to unlearn and still is part of my basic personality, although I have had therapy and training to have more healthily self assertive behavior, I still have a very very hard time saying no and will appease as a first response whenever anybody shows even the slightest hint of annoyance or anger. Even a complete stranger. I have lived my life in fear. People pleasing is a response to try to be safe in a world where I am not equipped to deal with most human interactions, and where I feel very unsafe due to abuse in my very youthful past.


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HeroOfHyrule
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16 May 2022, 4:58 pm

autisticelders wrote:
See also appeasement or people pleasing as a response to trauma. Look up the responses to trauma: Fight , flight, freeze and fawn> Fawning is appeasement behavior we learn to protect ourselves when we are unable to defend ourselves while trapped in situations we can not control (childhood abuse, for example) fawning behavior is learned behavior helpless victims use to try to fend off punishment, anger, harsh words or other unpleasant treatment by others. Many of us were trained to be unquestioningly compliant as very small children and we may have adapted by trying very very hard to please anybody and everybody indiscriminately by habit in attempt to keep ourselves safe. Sometimes this happens even before we speak or go to school. I have been told I "try too hard" to get people to like me. "too friendly" "too helpful" "too giving" etc etc etc. I had been conditioned at a very young age to respond to commands and demands from others, without questioning if I wanted to, had feelings about it, was afraid or wanted to do something else. I must be obedient and please anybody and everybody, serve and give without question. It has been a heck of a habit to unlearn and still is part of my basic personality, although I have had therapy and training to have more healthily self assertive behavior, I still have a very very hard time saying no and will appease as a first response whenever anybody shows even the slightest hint of annoyance or anger. Even a complete stranger. I have lived my life in fear. People pleasing is a response to try to be safe in a world where I am not equipped to deal with most human interactions, and where I feel very unsafe due to abuse in my very youthful past.

I think I'm naturally "very friendly" since I've been like this since I was a baby, and it's part of the reason it's been hard to get diagnosed, but I definitely have turned my "friendliness" into flat out "appeasement" in certain situations due to abuse and neglect. My "friendliness" turning into "appeasement" was even actively encouraged by my immediate family (who were the ones abusing and neglecting me), so I didn't get taught to have proper boundaries for myself at all. I don't really know how to unlearn this behaviour since it's something I built off of a natural part of my personality.



HeroOfHyrule
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16 May 2022, 5:01 pm

H_Taterz wrote:
I was that way when I was younger. I was FREQUENTLY taken advantage of and became wiser (and more bitter) as I got older. I'm definitely not that way now. :lol:
I became street smart in my 20s.

We all have our backgrounds as to why. Sometimes it's taking the lesson "be nice to people" too literally. Sometimes it's religion, or the area where you were raised. And sometimes it's due to parental neglect.
It's not just autism specific, but I'm guessing your relatives are concerned about you being taken advantage of and/or not being cautious enough.

There are plenty of sociopaths out there that can sniff out a vulnerable person the same way a wolf can sniff out prey.

Yeah, I do get taken advantage of quite a bit, so I guess I understand my relatives concerns. I wish I wasn't so naïve due to my "friendliness".



HeroOfHyrule
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16 May 2022, 5:04 pm

HighLlama wrote:
I can relate to this. Honestly, I just see myself as being polite. I think most NTs interpret that as meaning more, but that's because they don't like themselves. One thing I've learned is how desperate they are for validation. For social people, they're really not nice to each other.

Like you, I'd gladly help someone and assume their need is genuine. That's just about doing the right thing. But, since NTs are very conscious of social status, these situations mean something very different to them. I think sometimes it's better to be disliked than liked, then. What people like about me is often very questionable.

Sometimes people get annoyed by my friendliness, or think I'm trying to get something out of them. I just genuinely like most people and enjoy being nice to them.



HeroOfHyrule
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16 May 2022, 5:07 pm

mohsart wrote:
Defenitely!
I mentioned in another thread that I offered to help a colleague learning to drive.
Another example, when a colleague on a previous job showed interest in The Doors I immediately lended him all my records with them.
I got to talking comics with an acquaintance once and lended him 100 or so comic books.
I could go on...
These people were/are not close to me, we barely know each other.

/Mats

I've had relatives stop me from giving other people my things lately, because if someone wants something or needs something my first instinct is to give it to them if I have it, even if it's something important to me. My aunt has been trying to get me to stop doing that and getting frustrated at me. lol



HeroOfHyrule
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16 May 2022, 5:10 pm

Where_am_I wrote:
Yes. But I don't let anyone get away with taking advantage (once I'm aware of it), and make my boundaries known.

I want to enforce my own boundaries, but I don't notice that I'm being taken advantage of until afterwards, and even if I do notice I feel like I need to doubt myself. I'm too worried about being unnecessarily rude to someone on accident by enforcing my boundaries.