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RetroGamer87
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06 Mar 2023, 5:30 pm

"I'm fine". That's what I say when someone asks "How are you". Even when I'm not fine.

"Nah, I'm good" is how I respond when someone asks if I am having any problems, even when I'm having problems.

Especially when they're interpersonal problems I feel too ashamed to talk about them, even with someone who's in a position to help.

Some days it's a case of no news being good news. "I'm fine" could indicate that nothing of interest has happened to me but also nothing bad has happened to me. It could also indicate that something bad has happened and I'm too uncomfortable to talk about it.

The next question is "Are you really fine?" They're giving me a second chance to tell them I'm not fine. I still say "Yes I'm fine", knowing this is my last opportunity to ask for help.

Afterwards I feel bad that I didn't ask for help.

Do things like this happen to any of you? Is this an autistic trait? or is it just a trait of the general population?


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FleaOfTheChill
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06 Mar 2023, 5:55 pm

I'll tell people if I'm not okay, but I dismiss my not okay-ness more often than not. I might say something like, "I'm not great, but I've been worse" and then immediately switch to "How about you? All well in the world?" If they try to push it with me, I generally wave a paw at them refuse to engage, telling them it doesn't matter or it's temporary and not worth getting into.

I don't like talking about things that are bugging me. More often than not I don't even know what's wrong. If and when I do know, I'm incredibly uncomfortable opening up to people. I prefer to not do that. And if it involves asking for help? Meh. I'm even worse about that. I don't like the idea of trusting most people with my thoughts and/or being in a place where I am trusting them to help me with something. That's hellish to me, though I am trying to work on it. It's been brought to my attention that I'm a nightmare about this kind of stuff.



Caz72
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06 Mar 2023, 8:06 pm

isnt saying im fine is what your supposed to say when asked how are you because how are you isnt asking literally how you are its just a social pleasantry or something like that

thats what iv learnt here many people have said before


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Twilightprincess
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06 Mar 2023, 8:31 pm

I always say that I'm fine or even good when I'm not. I think that most people do that though.


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IsabellaLinton
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06 Mar 2023, 8:54 pm

I don't say it very often because I don't engage in small talk or go places where I have to be formal.
If I go to my doctor and she asks how I am, I don't say I'm fine or else I wouldn't be there.
There are few other places where I'd need to say it, but if I do it's "Fine, thanks! And you?"

When I know the person better in real life or even online, they'll get the truth.
It might be considered infodumping but I've never been good at masking or lying.
I might not know what to call the feeling in words, but I'll tell them what's new.

Today's answer would be: "I'm stressed about my dog" , or "I hate my stove".
Then I'd give the background story and usually they commiserate with their own.


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ToughDiamond
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07 Mar 2023, 1:37 am

I suppose these days I tend to weigh up who's asking. If I'm not fine but they can't help or wouldn't want to help, I'll probably say I'm fine. If they might be able and willing to help and I might be willing to accept their help, I'm more likely to tell them the truth. But I might say I'm OK as shorthand for "I'm not feeling that great but for our current purposes I'm not about to complain about my cares."

I also have a tendency to say something vaguely witty and brief such as "surviving," "bearing up well under the circumstances," "don't ask," or "mustn't grumble." And I think it helps to inject a bit of feelgood distortion into things, to cultivate a style of thinking and communicating that's a bit more positive than absolute brutal guts honesty, just to try to stop things getting too morbid, as long as the positive distortion doesn't get too far off the mark. People (self included) are emotional animals and it doesn't pay to dwell too long on negatives.



Dear_one
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07 Mar 2023, 7:10 am

At one support group I attended, "fine" was an acronym for "Effed up, Insecure, Neurotic, & Empty" or some such, so it could be said honestly without alarming people. Lots of people use it, although the percentage of Aspies may be even higher. I think it is generally understood as "I'm fine as regards anything you would be likely and able to help me with, and you can trust me to talk about other things now." However, sometimes it is a sincere offer of at least a conversation, which can often clarify issues for us even without a helpful listener. Just don't overdo it.



Double Retired
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07 Mar 2023, 9:11 am

I generally try for something very brief, innocuous, accurate though possibly an exageration, and—ideally—that will amuse the other person.

If I'm out for a walk I'm likely to say "Still asleep".

If the question is from someone behind the counter at a fast-food place I just entered I'm likely to say "Hungry!"

Often "Bored" or "Kind of Bored" seems to work.

Sometimes "Late" or "Tired" or "Curious" is accurate.


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Silence23
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07 Mar 2023, 3:16 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
Afterwards I feel bad that I didn't ask for help.


Do you really? Maybe subconsciously you know they couldn't help you anyway. So it doesn't make sense to use time and energy to have that conversation.

Though it can enable you to help yourself when you talk about certain issues. But you might as well do that online in a more relaxed setting.



rse92
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07 Mar 2023, 4:13 pm

My wife told me that if i was a superhero I would be Captain Banality. My catch phrase would be "That's fine."



skibum
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07 Mar 2023, 6:12 pm

rse92 wrote:
My wife told me that if i was a superhero I would be Captain Banality. My catch phrase would be "That's fine."
:lol: :lol: :lol: That is HILARIOUS!!


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skibum
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07 Mar 2023, 6:13 pm

I have stopped answering the question entirely. I just completely ignore it now. Trying to answer, "How are you?" has just become way too stressful for me.


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SharonB
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07 Mar 2023, 7:14 pm

I thought this was going to be about NT conformity. You adopted that answer? Wow. I have a hypo-leaning ASD friend and she can swing it too. I am the hyper-leaning ASD and can't.

When I was going through my pregnancy loss somebody at work asked me how I was and I had such internal conflict knowing the "proper" response and my "authentic" response that I said to him: "Please don't ask me that again." And he didn't. Years later I brought up the topic, explained and released him from that obligation, but he didn't remember the incident (so he said). Since I strive to thrive, I imagine I will rarely say "I'm fine" (if I ever do it will be in full irony). It's a lie and my GAD cousin died behind that lie. My hypo-type ASD friend also has GAD, but she's content to live without striving and thriving, so "fine" describes her automatic routine shutdowns.



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08 Mar 2023, 2:46 am

My usual go-to line is “I’ve been better,” otherwise, depending on my usually sh!tty mood, you might get my evil manically laugh, or get the 4 letter word aria thrown at you.



Silence23
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08 Mar 2023, 7:13 am

skibum wrote:
I have stopped answering the question entirely. I just completely ignore it now. Trying to answer, "How are you?" has just become way too stressful for me.


Maybe you shouldn't see it as a question how you are, but as something like "Good morning" or "with best regards". Just some empty phrase. I think I would answer "Everything's fine, what about you?" or so.

Most people couldn't deal with a honest answer anyway. They don't understand mental issues beyond "feeling sad". So it's best to not tell them anything, or it will only result in unnecessarily stressful social interaction.



skibum
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08 Mar 2023, 2:24 pm

Silence23 wrote:
skibum wrote:
I have stopped answering the question entirely. I just completely ignore it now. Trying to answer, "How are you?" has just become way too stressful for me.


Maybe you shouldn't see it as a question how you are, but as something like "Good morning" or "with best regards". Just some empty phrase. I think I would answer "Everything's fine, what about you?" or so.

Most people couldn't deal with a honest answer anyway. They don't understand mental issues beyond "feeling sad". So it's best to not tell them anything, or it will only result in unnecessarily stressful social interaction.
I think for me, it's best to just ignore it because my conscious wouldn't sit well with a dishonest answer to that particular question. I do not think that I could physically deal with the turmoil of emotions that that would cause me to feel. I am finding now that I have to ignore a lot of questions. This morning, at my equine therapy session, my riding teacher asked me if I was happy. I had no idea how to answer that so I just said, "I am riding him." (talking about my horse) But now I find that I have to not answer certain questions and just ignore them. I have no trouble doing that because nts have ignored many of my questions my entire life and they often continue to do so. So, I don't see why I can't ignore some of theirs.


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