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momtanic
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08 Oct 2007, 12:30 pm

Lately, my 9 yr old son has been complaining about normal activities.
ie, when it's the weekend and I have to run errands he complains
b/c it interferes with "his" play time. He doesn't stop whining or complaining. Once he is in "transit" to whatever it is that we left for, he's ok. I've tried explaining that these are things that every family does and that this is part of life. The complaining and whining gets
very frustrating and nothing I say seems to help. I also have problems on some nights when it's time for bed. He wants to keep playing and doesn't understand why he has to stop. He whines and complains that his night is ruined even though he was playing for a good period of time. The whining and complaining are driving me crazy! What can I do?



Kalister1
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08 Oct 2007, 12:32 pm

Give him a reward for going with you.
Like a candy bar.
:lol:

That would get me to go anywhere with you, even today.
Wait, that might get me abducted.

Oh well, I get candy.



siuan
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08 Oct 2007, 12:39 pm

He's got his ideas and you've got yours. AS kids don't like being diverted from plan or task. I suggest letting him know of your plans ahead of time. Plan on doing something as a family the following day? Talk about it over dinner. I can almost guarantee he will be more easy-going. I HATE having things dropped on me last-minute. If I know something is going to happen, I can mentally prepare for it, and then it doesn't seem like it is such a cramp in my plans otherwise. Spectrum kids don't like switching quickly. It's much more unpleasant than you might understand.


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EvilKimEvil
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08 Oct 2007, 12:46 pm

Rewards worked for me when I was a kid. If I did what my parents wanted a certain number of times, I'd get a new toy. It was always something small, like a Hot Wheels car or an eraser shaped like an animal in exchange for a week of good behavior. They'd make a chart (or let me make it) and I got to color in a section each time I made progress. Making the chart is an activity that can be done creatively or mathematically or both.

Also, have you tried giving him something to play with that he can take with him anywhere? Or keeping games in the car so that car rides are an extension of playtime?



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08 Oct 2007, 12:57 pm

siuan wrote:
He's got his ideas and you've got yours. AS kids don't like being diverted from plan or task. I suggest letting him know of your plans ahead of time. Plan on doing something as a family the following day? Talk about it over dinner. I can almost guarantee he will be more easy-going. I HATE having things dropped on me last-minute. If I know something is going to happen, I can mentally prepare for it, and then it doesn't seem like it is such a cramp in my plans otherwise. Spectrum kids don't like switching quickly. It's much more unpleasant than you might understand.


My entire week was ruined if I had to do anything that I hadn't been told about 24 hours in advance, even if I had no plans and the thing I had to do was something such as having a best friend come over.



momtanic
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08 Oct 2007, 1:19 pm

Thanks for all of the advice.
I tell him that he can get a chocolate bar or a frozen coke (his favorite) and he will still complain. It's not always a last minute thing when I tell him. If I know in advance of what the plans are for the day, I let him know. He even asks in the morning what is planned for the day. (that gives him a head start on complaining! UGH!!) He usually does have something in hand when we leave and he does play with it in the car. I will give the chart a try. That is something that we can work on together.



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08 Oct 2007, 3:14 pm

Quote:
I've tried explaining that these are things that every family does and that this is part of life.


I'll spare you the retort I WANTED to give you. You are expecting your son to merely take a statement from you as a reason when it isn't. It isn't even true. YOU wouldn't accept it from him!

As for having him settle down, have you tried limiting sugar and allergens, and giving him puzzles and games?



coatsyuk
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08 Oct 2007, 4:25 pm

i agree with 2ukenkerl try puzzles or car games.

has your son been tested for aspergers? if so see what ideas your doctor has.
sugar and stuff like that can make them worse in some cases so treats can sometimes do more halm then good. (make them more hyper).



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08 Oct 2007, 5:22 pm

I warn my 8yr old of plans as soon as I know them. Then we do the count down, J we will be leaving in an hour (show him on the clock) J we need to go in 15 minutes (again show him) J 5 minutes. I only take him if he wants to go or if it's unavoidable, he hates shopping centres and crowds, to noisy, to crowded to smelly etc. He gets a reward or compensated sometimes not always for coming with me. We have special books for the car, toys for the car etc.
I try to do as much as I can without him whilst he is at school because he doesnt like it.



chriscross1966
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08 Oct 2007, 6:29 pm

Some Aspies really do need to plan in advance, if your son does have AS then you really will need to change the way the interactions are working. Trying to get some of us to do anything off the cuff is just about the best known way to lead them into meltdown. It is unlikely to get much better, all the things that stressed me at 8 stress me now at 41, thankfully I'm not too hung up about planning in minutia (except when I'm cooking whilst camping), I don't like stuff being sprung on me though....... Sounds like your son might have that particular trait (it's pretty common) and if so, what you think of as perfectly normal family stuff in terms of this sort of thing, will be just about the most stressful thing in his life.... sorry if this sounds a bit harsh/blunt (I got that bit of the package in spades I'm afraid) but dealing with it will have to come from your end not his, assuming he has AS of course. as he can't change how his brain is wired......

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08 Oct 2007, 6:39 pm

2ukenkerl wrote:
Quote:
I've tried explaining that these are things that every family does and that this is part of life.


I'll spare you the retort I WANTED to give you. You are expecting your son to merely take a statement from you as a reason when it isn't. It isn't even true. YOU wouldn't accept it from him!

As for having him settle down, have you tried limiting sugar and allergens, and giving him puzzles and games?


Truly no offense intended, I just don't think I quite understand why this is a poor explanation? Just curious what you mean by that. I mean, it is an *accurate* statement, if perhaps not as verbose or specific as he might prefer.

Anyway, yes, to the extent that your activities can be scheduled, that will minimize issues right there - we're just starting to do that (and writing them down) and already it's helping a lot. BUT - the idea of *flexibility* does also need to enter the equation at some point.



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08 Oct 2007, 6:48 pm

siuan wrote:
He's got his ideas and you've got yours. AS kids don't like being diverted from plan or task. I suggest letting him know of your plans ahead of time. Plan on doing something as a family the following day? Talk about it over dinner. I can almost guarantee he will be more easy-going. I HATE having things dropped on me last-minute. If I know something is going to happen, I can mentally prepare for it, and then it doesn't seem like it is such a cramp in my plans otherwise. Spectrum kids don't like switching quickly. It's much more unpleasant than you might understand.


It is unpleasant partially because the unknown is frightening. The stability offered by a schedule and warnings prior to activities is amazing. I have had a meltdown before due to someone completely changing my plans. My son and daughters MUST know what to expect. I have picture schedules for the non-readers and written for the readers. I cannot survive without my lists! We also discuss them throughout the day. (Ie. in the car on the way home from preschool, we discuss that we will eat lunch, including what is being served, then we have rest time where we each get 3 books, then we go and get daddy from work, then we get the other children at school, then it's movie time (including which movie), then dinner. I tend to go meal to meal. It really helps!)

Good luck! A behavioral therapist may be of use in this instance to help develop an appropriate schedule for your child.


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ev8
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08 Oct 2007, 7:25 pm

Saqqara wrote:
2ukenkerl wrote:
Quote:
I've tried explaining that these are things that every family does and that this is part of life.


I'll spare you the retort I WANTED to give you. You are expecting your son to merely take a statement from you as a reason when it isn't. It isn't even true. YOU wouldn't accept it from him!

As for having him settle down, have you tried limiting sugar and allergens, and giving him puzzles and games?


Truly no offense intended, I just don't think I quite understand why this is a poor explanation? Just curious what you mean by that. I mean, it is an *accurate* statement, if perhaps not as verbose or specific as he might prefer.


Well, it's a falsehood. Not every family runs errands together, and it's only a part of life if it's engaged in. Besides, even if every family did run errands together, so what? To use an old parental adage, if all your friends jumped off a bridge...?



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08 Oct 2007, 7:42 pm

Saqqara wrote:
2ukenkerl wrote:
Quote:
I've tried explaining that these are things that every family does and that this is part of life.


I'll spare you the retort I WANTED to give you. You are expecting your son to merely take a statement from you as a reason when it isn't. It isn't even true. YOU wouldn't accept it from him!

As for having him settle down, have you tried limiting sugar and allergens, and giving him puzzles and games?


Truly no offense intended, I just don't think I quite understand why this is a poor explanation? Just curious what you mean by that. I mean, it is an *accurate* statement, if perhaps not as verbose or specific as he might prefer.

Anyway, yes, to the extent that your activities can be scheduled, that will minimize issues right there - we're just starting to do that (and writing them down) and already it's helping a lot. BUT - the idea of *flexibility* does also need to enter the equation at some point.


Actually, to say "these are things that every family does" is silly, and makes no sense! He will want to know only what ***HE*** wants/needs to know. If he doesn't have a deep interest in others, why would he care. It BEGS the question of WHY? and SO WHAT? It doesn't actually answer anything. And it isn't a part of life. People live a LOT of their lives without doing that.

HECK, my mother is ALWAYS insisting that we go some place, EVEN though I now live THOUSANDS of miles away from her. When I think of the idea of her flying thousands of miles just to have me drive her a couple hundred extra so I can stay several hours with "relatives" and drive back with NO ability to do anything worthwhile, and HUGE sensory overload, it makes me want to just slit my throat.

It is possible that your son feels the SAME way. Would you REALLY throw your son in a tiny room, and blast loud music in there 24 hours a day while flooding it so he can barely breath? You might say NO, but that may be close to how he feels!



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08 Oct 2007, 8:08 pm

I tell my son exactly why we are going, and why it cannot wait. (i.e. "We need to get something to make for dinner because I forgot to go to the store earlier." him: "but I wanted to play!" me: "You can play when we get back, but we need to eat as well, therefore we need to go to the grocery store.") I tell him exactly how many items we are getting, roughly how long it will take, and on the way there I ask what he wants to play with when he gets back home. He also brings books into the store to read, or helps me with the grocery shopping. We find items on shelves that begin with certain letters while completing the trip as well, so he is occupied and doesn't get too bored once there.

He does throw quite a temper tantrum at times, but he knows it needs to be done (not just because it is something every family needs to do, but because he knows that dinner isn't going to be good if we don't go, lol), and instantly looks for something to bring with him now. It helps a lot.

Telling him that it's something every family has to do would never fly with him, lol. He likes to know exactly why, and whether or not other people are doing it is irrelevant in the explanation. He needs to know exactly why WE are going to the store before he understands. I am the same way with things :P


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08 Oct 2007, 10:01 pm

nobodyzdream wrote:
I tell my son exactly why we are going, and why it cannot wait. (i.e. "We need to get something to make for dinner because I forgot to go to the store earlier." him: "but I wanted to play!" me: "You can play when we get back, but we need to eat as well, therefore we need to go to the grocery store.") I tell him exactly how many items we are getting, roughly how long it will take, and on the way there I ask what he wants to play with when he gets back home. He also brings books into the store to read, or helps me with the grocery shopping. We find items on shelves that begin with certain letters while completing the trip as well, so he is occupied and doesn't get too bored once there.

He does throw quite a temper tantrum at times, but he knows it needs to be done (not just because it is something every family needs to do, but because he knows that dinner isn't going to be good if we don't go, lol), and instantly looks for something to bring with him now. It helps a lot.

Telling him that it's something every family has to do would never fly with him, lol. He likes to know exactly why, and whether or not other people are doing it is irrelevant in the explanation. He needs to know exactly why WE are going to the store before he understands. I am the same way with things :P


Now YOU explained that a LOT better than I did! I don't even think this is an AS thing. I think it is a kid thing. Frankly, I STILL have a little of that in me, even though my old boss didn't want to explain, etc... And he burned us because he didn't explain things. I mean he would make DUMB assumptions and, if I didn't know the REASON for his questions, I couldn't avoid the problems.

One good example was how my boss asked me about the savings in disk space, and I said "It means we can fit about twice as much data on the drive". So HE starts to tell the customer about how it will cut the backup space in half! I said it would work that way ONLY if the disk was 100% full and they did an image copy. That is generally a STUPID thing to do. One bit out of place could destroy the whole backup, etc... I said that a file backup would generally use the SAME compression, and take the same space and major problems could occur without much adverse impact. Peoples incomplete reasons to me may have cost them MILLIONS of dollars and/or put things at risk. I HAVE made them millions, but still, they lost a lot as well. All because people just don't want questions.

Anyway, maybe people with AS just have it for a longer period, are more reasonable about it, or just remember. It really is the best way.

To the best of my knowledge, nobody ever spoke baby talk to me. I only knew a few baby words used as euphemisms. As soon as I learned the adult words, I started using them. At least in most cases I knew why I was going to an area. And I STILL remember the puzzle books, food, desserts that helped me ride through it all. If anything, sugar loosens me up like alcohol. It doesn't always work, but at night when I am tired, it can sometimes be obvious. And I don't have any allergies I know of, but I STILL remember watching a program on nutrition where a doctor spoke about knowing many that were heavily affected adversly.