Can someone explain why people dont wanna hang out with me?

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johnnydangerous
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11 Nov 2011, 11:26 am

I work in a job where I have to deal with the public. I have AS but despite this I enjoy my work, and I enjoy being friendly with people. After getting to know someone, they genuinely seem to like me. But whenever I make a suggestion to hang out, the excuses start rolling.

I feel as if I am friendly with everyone, yet friends with noone.

I am not an ugly guy either, in fact people often tell me I'm handsome. And when I look in the mirror, I see an attractive looking guy.

So I really don't understand what the problem is. What is it about AS that repels people? Alot of people here with AS will talk about their quirks. For example, making weird gestures, or staring alot, etc. and these people are aware of their quirks.

For me though, I cant figure out whats wrong! The only thing I can think of is I dont do enough facial expressions, and I sound monotone. But people often tell me I have a dry sense of humor because of it.

Honestly, I get the feeling alot of time that people may like me, but won't want to hang because they are afraid "they will lose cool points" if they're seen with me. Is that a valid line of thought?

It's really sad that grown men and women act this way. I thought this type of thinking would be over after High School, and people grew up. But apparently they don't. It's sad how many "grown ups" still act like they are in High School, socially.

What am I doing wrong? Is it in my body language? I'm thinking maybe body language. Any ideas?



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11 Nov 2011, 11:39 am

You're right- some adults are still shallow and it's sad.

It could be the body language/tone of voice. Some people think that I am always upset, or they think I'm serious when I am joking and it's awkward.


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Ria1989
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11 Nov 2011, 11:47 am

Yeah. It's definitely apparent to them whatever the reason may be. One thing is to be aware of your desperation. If you sound too desperate, then that sends up a ref flag that something is wrong with you. Try not to... Well, try.

Also, what gender are you targeting? Same sex may be taken okay, but if its opposite sex they will take it as a sexual advance.

Do you genuinely like the people you are asking? Do they share commonalities with you? Are they around the same age? What about physical appearance? Physical appearance generally predetermined who you can and should hang out with as well as wealth. That sounds bad, but its true. Ever hear that expression nt men use, hott girls roll together?

Alright, I think my post bombarded you with a lot of questions. Enjoy;)


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rickc77
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11 Nov 2011, 11:55 am

i cant stand the general public, they dont understand how us aspies are and misinterpret our problems then make out we are the problem.....well it's not like we can tell them we have ASD, make an allowance cos that would make them not want to hang out with us even more.

One day they should move us all to Sweden, actually somewhere hotter where we would all get on with each other cos then we wouldnt be on the wrong planet.

I truly believe in the future, the world will be run by us Aspies and we are more sophisticated, kinder, more intelligent and thoughtful than most normal people.

Here is my advice, stop trying to win over the public....if u wanna date a chic or make some new friends, do it through a dating agency or a website or through mutual friends, go to parties where people are social.

ASPIES UNITE!! !



johnnydangerous
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11 Nov 2011, 12:00 pm

Ria1989 wrote:
Yeah. It's definitely apparent to them whatever the reason may be. One thing is to be aware of your desperation. If you sound too desperate, then that sends up a ref flag that something is wrong with you. Try not to... Well, try.

Also, what gender are you targeting? Same sex may be taken okay, but if its opposite sex they will take it as a sexual advance.

Do you genuinely like the people you are asking? Do they share commonalities with you? Are they around the same age? What about physical appearance? Physical appearance generally predetermined who you can and should hang out with as well as wealth. That sounds bad, but its true. Ever hear that expression nt men use, hott girls roll together?

Alright, I think my post bombarded you with a lot of questions. Enjoy;)


How do you "sound desperate"? I've heard this before from people, but never understood what it means. I try to get to know people first, then might ask them to hang. And if they make an excuse, I let it go and remain friendly with them.

I also do this with women, the rare times I do ask one out. I'll ask them out and if I hear an excuse, I let it go. Because if I ask again, I'll seem "desperate".

Yet when I only ask once, people THEN tell me "You have to be more aggressive and ask women a few times!".

See, everything in this world, to me, is "damned if you do, and damned if you don't".



johnnydangerous
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11 Nov 2011, 12:07 pm

rickc77 wrote:
i cant stand the general public, they dont understand how us aspies are and misinterpret our problems then make out we are the problem.....well it's not like we can tell them we have ASD, make an allowance cos that would make them not want to hang out with us even more.

One day they should move us all to Sweden, actually somewhere hotter where we would all get on with each other cos then we wouldnt be on the wrong planet.

I truly believe in the future, the world will be run by us Aspies and we are more sophisticated, kinder, more intelligent and thoughtful than most normal people.

Here is my advice, stop trying to win over the public....if u wanna date a chic or make some new friends, do it through a dating agency or a website or through mutual friends, go to parties where people are social.

ASPIES UNITE!! !


I hung out with a woman once who WORKED IN MENTAL HEALTH so I figured it was ok to tell her I had AS. We didnt get sexual, but we made out alot etc. and it was heading in that direction.

As soon as I told her I had AS, her attitude completely changed. I broke off communication with her as a result. She started making excuse not to see me, where she never did that before. She lost interest COMPLETELY. And she worked IN MENTAL HEALTH, so if SHE doesnt understand, what other woman will?

This is why its very hard for me to respect NTs, on the whole. This woman used to tell me she was "non-judgemental" too. YEAH f****n RIGHT.



DerStadtschutz
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11 Nov 2011, 12:09 pm

johnnydangerous wrote:

Honestly, I get the feeling alot of time that people may like me, but won't want to hang because they are afraid "they will lose cool points" if they're seen with me. Is that a valid line of thought?

It's really sad that grown men and women act this way. I thought this type of thinking would be over after High School, and people grew up. But apparently they don't. It's sad how many "grown ups" still act like they are in High School, socially.


Well, they do say high school is supposed to prepare you for the real world...

Yeah I don't get it either, but I didn't get it when I was in highschool either. Often times I find myself observing others' behavior from afar and wondering what the f**k they're thinking. I don't know what to tell you other than that maybe if you start drinking your face off, ball-tapping other males, and hitting on everything that walks, they might be more likely to hang out with you. I wouldn't recommend actually engaging in these activities though.



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11 Nov 2011, 2:49 pm

I would love to know too-I went to a picnic where the host hardly said thank you to me after I brought some nice desserts and the person I went there with was told "oh I have to hug all of my guests" and proceeds to get a hug from the host and my friend is also an aspie-I didn't even get a handshake-I felt disgusted-I know I am a big guy and not that good looking but thats a double standard and I still have no explanation to this day. During the party I would walk up to people and they would turn away and no one even wanted to talk to me-I know its hard for me to start a conversation but when I would walk up to people they would turn away-I would love to know what they see that makes them turn away.


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11 Nov 2011, 3:44 pm

Smile more, use humour, but respect other peoples distance. Once they like you a sure way to get people to ask you out is to pretend you have a busy schedule. NT's do this all the time, they pretend they are busy, have lots of arrangements with friends when they don't etc...

When I think about it, it seems the times when I appear uninterested in socialising with others (like when I have a happy life at home etc) then NT's come crawling out of the woodwork and ask me out.



Ria1989
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11 Nov 2011, 5:37 pm

Robdemanc wrote:
Smile more, use humour, but respect other peoples distance. Once they like you a sure way to get people to ask you out is to pretend you have a busy schedule. NT's do this all the time, they pretend they are busy, have lots of arrangements with friends when they don't etc...

When I think about it, it seems the times when I appear uninterested in socialising with others (like when I have a happy life at home etc) then NT's come crawling out of the woodwork and ask me out.




This is exactly what I mean. He did a good job at explaining how people don't get ahead if they seem to needy or desperate. To us it doesn't seem like we're begging, but to them it does.

The problem is, you probably don't like lying to get friends. It doesn't make sense to most of us, but it's necessary if you want them to think you're normal. Saying something like, "I just went to the bars last friday and met so many hott women" would grab their attention. Saying, "I was on the computer last night talking to people with disorders" will not. They'll instantly stereotype you into the freak category. Believe me. Not only that, they will become speechless if anything and won't know how to continue the conversation without an awkward transition. They will, however, know how to transition after you said you met hott women. Make sure you rehearse it. Not a lot of eye contact, not too much. Too little might show you're shy, too much will show you're a creep when it comes to women.


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Sparhawke
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11 Nov 2011, 6:01 pm

Why would you want to socialise with people from work? 8O



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11 Nov 2011, 6:45 pm

Well in my experience someone seems desperate if they constantly want to talk to me. At first I thought it meant "This person is excited and they really like me" but then they started getting obsessive.

Example- sometimes if I'm on my ipod it will look like I'm available on Facebook chat, but the chat box doesn't pop up. This guy would start calling me every time that happened and ask me why I wouldn't talk to him. Then he got all paranoid and started alternating between saying that someone hacked me and saying that I didn't like him. It got so bad I eventually had to block him and then block his phone number.

I also thought he was desperate because he was sending my friends (who he didn't know) friend requests and sending them strange messages saying they were special because they knew me. It was like he was trying to insert myself into every part of my life. It felt very invasive and annoying.

A lot of websites and books list "coming on too strong" as a precedent for that sort of behavior. I'm not at all suggesting that you would act like that, but if people sense desperation it sends up a red flag.


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hanyo
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11 Nov 2011, 6:51 pm

My mother doesn't really socialize outside of work with people from her job and I don't think I would either if I had a job. I'd just want to get my work done and get home so I don't have to be around people any more.



Ria1989
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11 Nov 2011, 7:06 pm

Yeah, but when you're older, that's how you meet friends-- at least for most people. Jobs are analogous to school. Our society urges us to go to both and that's how one meets people easier. I can see why you'd want to meet people there, especially if you enjoy your job and the environment.


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hanyo
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11 Nov 2011, 7:11 pm

Ria1989 wrote:
Yeah, but when you're older, that's how you meet friends-- at least for most people. Jobs are analogous to school. Our society urges us to go to both and that's how one meets people easier. I can see why you'd want to meet people there, especially if you enjoy your job and the environment.


Maybe that's part of the reason I feel the way I do. I always hated school and had few if any friends there. I couldn't wait to quit. If I ever manage to get a job it most likely would be some minimum wage job that I'd hate that I'd only be doing to not be homeless. Maybe I'd feel differently if I had a job doing something I actually liked.

I don't have a job now and in the two jobs I had in my life I didn't really have coworkers.



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11 Nov 2011, 7:48 pm

If you find a job you like, you might be around people you have more in common with. I met a few cool people at my last job that I can have good conversations with and actually invited me to hang out with them.


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