Why is the narrative always..when you have children....

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Sweetleaf
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14 Oct 2021, 2:52 am

Yeah maybe me and my boyfriend don't want children...why does everyone assume women are looking for a child bearing mate...not all of us women even want children. Topics of women look for this and that for a proper mate, well some of us don't care about finding a mate to have kids with....some of us don't want to have kids at all. So why is the assumption women will always reject someone they don't see as child birting/rearing material.

Why is it assumed all us women have starting a family and babies on our mind, maybe some of us aren't into that. Just the narrative makes it sound as if all women are just looking for someone to have babies with...when some of us aren't even interested in having babies at all.

I think if I had a baby I had to take care of I'd probably end up killing myself...like don't think I could cope with it so best just not to have one. Not even sure if I would make it through the pregnancy, like I do have a weird muscle condition which for all I know makes childbirth harder...atleast that is what some doctors said when I was younger is that I could have a higher risk in pregnancy than typical so I'd have to consider that if I wanted to have kids. They are not sure the fetus would have problems but were worried I'd have problems.



Fnord
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14 Oct 2021, 8:51 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
... Why is it assumed all us women have starting a family and babies on our mind[?].
It may have something to do with the number of single women who, after only a few weeks together, will start telling their boyfriends about how much they love kids, what it is like to hold a baby, whether they prefer pink or blue, why their pets are 'furbabies' and how great it would be for both of them to move into a house or apartment near a school.



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14 Oct 2021, 9:33 am

My daughter has decided not to have kids and I support her.I think it’s awful when parents pressure their kids into having babies because they want grandchildren.
She has to deal with people asking if she has kids, then why asking why she doesn’t ,then telling her she still has time to pop out a few.They act like a woman’s sole purpose in life is to procreate.Then they act like somethings off when you don’t want to.
People also assume you want grandkids,
I didn’t.There’s a possibility I have one but we will need to get a dna test done.The child does not look like my son.
The last thing I want is a pile of screaming kids to look after at my age.
People dumping the kids off on their elderly parents to watch while they go whoop it up.Not going to happen here.


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Sweetleaf
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14 Oct 2021, 9:41 am

Fnord wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
... Why is it assumed all us women have starting a family and babies on our mind[?].
It may have something to do with the number of single women who, after only a few weeks together, will start telling their boyfriends about how much they love kids, what it is like to hold a baby, whether they prefer pink or blue, why their pets are 'furbabies' and how great it would be for both of them to move into a house or apartment near a school.


Well true but then at least they say that early on so it's on the table before things get too serious(or at least Id hope so). I guess it just seems like it should be more normalized that there are women who don't want kids and have no interest in them. I don't hate them I know all people start as children, but I had a rough enough childhood or at least largely unpleasant so adulthood is time for me.

Also, once I offended a woman because I didn't want to hold her baby, but they make me nervous I was afraid about dropping them or picking them up wrong and like just found it less stressful to just look at the baby. I didn't mean any offense but yeah that was awkward for me it was like they thought I had a problem with the baby and I just didn't want to risk doing something wrong since I know they are delicate. And well I am just not that terribly interested either which I feel should be ok.



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14 Oct 2021, 9:47 am

I think the reason's cultural and historical; for centuries, and still in some cultures, most women were forced in to the role of a mother and a housekeeper and only that. While women now have other options too in civilized cultures, a woman having other choices is such a new thing in those too that many people still assume that the traditional role is somehow a natural one for all women to fall in to even if they also want to do other things.

But sure, Fnord's example is probably true in some cases, too. Then again, if a woman is over 30, or especially if she's over 35, and wants children, bringing up the idea of children quite fast is the smart thing to do so that if it becomes clear the man doesn't want children, she can move on and not waste her limited time. Men have it a little easier with the time limit, but if they want a partner of their own age, they should keep it in mind too in case they want children.



Sweetleaf
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14 Oct 2021, 9:58 am

Misslizard wrote:
My daughter has decided not to have kids and I support her.I think it’s awful when parents pressure their kids into having babies because they want grandchildren.
She has to deal with people asking if she has kids, then why asking why she doesn’t ,then telling her she still has time to pop out a few.They act like a woman’s sole purpose in life is to procreate.Then they act like somethings off when you don’t want to.
People also assume you want grandkids,
I didn’t.There’s a possibility I have one but we will need to get a dna test done.The child does not look like my son.
The last thing I want is a pile of screaming kids to look after at my age.
People dumping the kids off on their elderly parents to watch while they go whoop it up.Not going to happen here.


I did somewhat recently express to my mom that for sure me and my boyfriend aren't interested in kids. And she didn't really seem to care one way another, if anything since my youngest brother has finally moved out I feel she is looking forward to some time not worrying about kids she has to take care of. There are 4 cats but they aren't as high maintenance as kids and teens.

I was a little worried she'd be like disappointed, because and I feel there is a time she would have been but...well she's changed for the better a bit over the years.



Fnord
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14 Oct 2021, 10:41 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
... Why is it assumed all us women have starting a family and babies on our mind[?].
It may have something to do with the number of single women who, after only a few weeks together, will start telling their boyfriends about how much they love kids, what it is like to hold a baby, whether they prefer pink or blue, why their pets are 'furbabies' and how great it would be for both of them to move into a house or apartment near a school.
Well true but...
No 'buts".  There are enough women seemingly obsessed with having babies to enforce the stereotype.  For example, most of the women I dated in my single days either made it clear that they wanted to start families of their own, or they already had kids and were just looking for a man to support them.  The few who did not express such interest ended up as mothers anyway.



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14 Oct 2021, 12:26 pm

Being deliberately "childfree" does seem to present a challenge to understand to those who possess the majority attitude that "being a parent is the best thing in life".

I've known since I was quite young that I have ZERO interest or desire in parenting. I don't hate children, I simply have no innate capacity to want to have them. And I have other more rational reasons for being childfree, as well, so there are multiple layers of resistance between me and parenthood, psychologically.

Given that I made no attempt at dating until age 30, it wasn't a physical, practical issue until then, and even then, my first girlfriend had a tubal ligation many years before we met, so there was no risk of "having my ideas challenged".

My second girlfriend (when I was 37) was on "the pill", but mentioned some months into the relationship that "she had thought she MIGHT have been pregnant" some months before. I practically RAN to the doc, yelling "cut me, Doc!" and was very soon after nicely free of any further worries on this issue, due to two very minor incisions and the resulting minor internal plumbing alterations. WORTH EVERY PENNY! And at least for me, a very trouble-free and minor procedure.


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kraftiekortie
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15 Oct 2021, 5:13 pm

My father's second wife never wanted to have kids.

I'm the younger son; by the time they got married, I was already 26. She probably felt relieved that she didn't have to take care of me.



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19 Oct 2021, 12:04 am

By the time you reach your mid30s, the majority of people around you in your age will have at least one kid. That means less time for people outside family and even less for those without kids as they don't share much common ground. Thus loneliness may be an issue for people who choose to not have kids.

With that said there are some women who tend to put their entire self-worth into the children's success as soon as they're born. That's not fair to the children and kind of a decoy because you're not finding much self-worth in yourself, with or without children. My mother was like that and it took a great many years for her to realize she had to look elsewere for personal sense of meaning, as I'm not going to provide that.



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05 Nov 2021, 8:24 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
I think the reason's cultural and historical; for centuries, and still in some cultures, most women were forced in to the role of a mother and a housekeeper and only that. While women now have other options too in civilized cultures, a woman having other choices is such a new thing in those too that many people still assume that the traditional role is somehow a natural one for all women to fall in to even if they also want to do other things.

But sure, Fnord's example is probably true in some cases, too. Then again, if a woman is over 30, or especially if she's over 35, and wants children, bringing up the idea of children quite fast is the smart thing to do so that if it becomes clear the man doesn't want children, she can move on and not waste her limited time. Men have it a little easier with the time limit, but if they want a partner of their own age, they should keep it in mind too in case they want children.


Yeah, either that or have children without a partner, like I've done.



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06 Nov 2021, 12:02 pm

Ettina wrote:
Fireblossom wrote:
I think the reason's cultural and historical; for centuries, and still in some cultures, most women were forced in to the role of a mother and a housekeeper and only that. While women now have other options too in civilized cultures, a woman having other choices is such a new thing in those too that many people still assume that the traditional role is somehow a natural one for all women to fall in to even if they also want to do other things.

But sure, Fnord's example is probably true in some cases, too. Then again, if a woman is over 30, or especially if she's over 35, and wants children, bringing up the idea of children quite fast is the smart thing to do so that if it becomes clear the man doesn't want children, she can move on and not waste her limited time. Men have it a little easier with the time limit, but if they want a partner of their own age, they should keep it in mind too in case they want children.


Yeah, either that or have children without a partner, like I've done.


I'm considering that option too in the future if I don't find anyone... sadly, adoption seems to be out of cards for me since I'm apparently too disabled to be accepted in to adoption process.

Did you adopt or did you use assisted reproduction?



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06 Nov 2021, 3:59 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
Ettina wrote:
Fireblossom wrote:
I think the reason's cultural and historical; for centuries, and still in some cultures, most women were forced in to the role of a mother and a housekeeper and only that. While women now have other options too in civilized cultures, a woman having other choices is such a new thing in those too that many people still assume that the traditional role is somehow a natural one for all women to fall in to even if they also want to do other things.

But sure, Fnord's example is probably true in some cases, too. Then again, if a woman is over 30, or especially if she's over 35, and wants children, bringing up the idea of children quite fast is the smart thing to do so that if it becomes clear the man doesn't want children, she can move on and not waste her limited time. Men have it a little easier with the time limit, but if they want a partner of their own age, they should keep it in mind too in case they want children.


Yeah, either that or have children without a partner, like I've done.


I'm considering that option too in the future if I don't find anyone... sadly, adoption seems to be out of cards for me since I'm apparently too disabled to be accepted in to adoption process.

Did you adopt or did you use assisted reproduction?


Assisted reproduction. Specifically, intra-uterine insemination using donor sperm.

I do plan to adopt a child eventually, though.



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13 Nov 2021, 4:58 am

I've known since I was very young (less than 10 years old) that I was never going to have kids. My twin, however, has always had a strong mothering instinct. This showed when she went through IVF treatment to have two of her kids (she has three). She would have had four but it wasn't to be.

When I was diagnosed autistic, I wondered if that was why I had never wanted children. Nor did I feel at all confident in the presence of babies or young ones that wanted to play pretend (something I cannot do). My mum has always been ok with my lack of offspring since my other sisters provided them.

Someone once asked me if I would adopt a child but given my diagnoses and history of mental illness, I don't think I'd be allowed.



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20 Nov 2021, 9:42 am

Quote:
Why Is The Narrative Always..When You Have Children....


I think that some people are just eager for you to go through the pain and suffering they have gone through with having children.

They think that they are more worldy wise for having children and that you will never have this kind of knowledge about life until you have gone through it yourself.

Idk. Its not something I would say to anyone.