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07 Oct 2013, 6:54 am

Letting go is wrong. The reason why folks find it hard is because it affronts their sense of fairness, they realise it is wrong. There is mo need to find it hard, simply choose not to do it.

All life issues on fairness are perpetually worth pursuing. Even if you get nowhere with an issue for a long time, you never know when that will change. As political history shows, tipping points often come by a gradual build up of feeling, and sometimes the build up is under the surface, it tips unexpectedly after you could not see that anything was shifting.

The idea of letting go, same as one-sided forgiveness and anti-revenge ideas, they are all interlinked, was invented by ruling class interests in religion and psychology. The assumption that it has any merit has always been arbitrary, accepted by religious tradition, not based on evidence of it making any situation better. Its purpose has always been to tell us to live passively and acceptingly with whatever condition of life the powerful gave us, to con us out of struggling to put anything right.



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07 Oct 2013, 10:51 am

Bad news: I never "let go" "move on" things that happen are always a part of me.

Good news: Things move from my present to my history and I learn to live with it and not have it destroy me

Frustrating News: The above usually do not happen in a straight forward manor. It is 2 steps forward, 1 step back 1 step forward 2 steps back, a few steps sideways and zigs and zags


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Adamantium
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07 Oct 2013, 11:30 am

I am neither a forgiver nor a forgetter and this is a documented part of my family heritage for generations (as are the traits that define that part of the autistic spectrum formerly known as Aspergers.)

Despite the reality of this long memory and unforgiving nature, I have learned to avoid ruminating on those things. Ginning yourself up into paroxysms of rage at people who are wholly ignorant of your anger is, as the saying goes, like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die from it.

Of course, should the occasion arise when I can release my anger on the appropriate target at the appropriate time--well, my behavior at such times is apparently what lead a former boss who was also an aspie to identify my own autism years before I came to understand it. I am told that the way in which I express my displeasure is unusual both in intensity, focus and expressive verbal qualities.



ZenDen
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07 Oct 2013, 1:33 pm

I'm in the process of finding out "what can (and should) be done.

If I see a thought arising in my mind that seems unduly negative I can generally explain it
sufficiently to myself in such a way that it will not remain a negative thought, but rather a
neutral "piece of knowledge." This is the way I try to handle incoming events.

The issue I have is deeper and I'll guess was formed between the ages of 1 and 4 (or so)
and is expressed whenever I'm not paying attention (lack of mindfulness) and comes out
as a negative response to everything. I know this is purely a self defense mechanism
from my very earliest years but I can't seem to shake it.

And it becomes totally annoying when your inner, unheard voice is always voicing it's
displeasure about everything; it takes the joy out of life.

There are certain methods to help soften some of the hard blows we've all taken in our lives,
and I'm practicing those, but the answer to these deeper questions eludes me, Aside from
just saying "Accept the way you've experienced life as 'you' does anyone have any
ideas or experience in this area?

denny



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10 Oct 2013, 4:00 pm

Sometimes I pray for them - like a best friend who decided he wanted to be popular when we reached college age and didn't like my "always family friendly" desires. I remember he told me once he felt like he was hanging out with his dad and I said "thanks," taking it as a great compliment. It wasn't.

For bullying kids, I remember this one who came up to me in high school after being away or a few years and said "hi" and was so nice. he said he'd had respect for me but never knew how to show it and we parted as friends. I imagine them all being like that.

For a few adults, i imagine them having served time in prison - nothign major,a few hours in a cell in the 12tgh precinct type of thing. ("Barney Miller," for those who don't know.) I haven't had anyone do worse than one fellow who had short bursts of anger and rage and was too scary, but probably not to neurotypicals who knew what was coming and could see why he got so upset in his classroom.

I call the last 2 paragraphs "Not Trigger Event Memories." thigns that you can use so you don't have flashbacks.

Basically, it's about figuring they got better and that they might hve learned something because of me.

Funny, a few years ago I had a dream with that one teacher and I wsn't scared at all - we were eating supper in an apartment and talking. So, it does work for me.



Aklaim
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10 Oct 2013, 7:54 pm

i cant forgive but i can forget minor things atlest



LucySnowe
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25 Oct 2013, 4:11 pm

When I was younger, I had a very great deal of difficulty letting go--forgiving and forgetting people for so-called transgressions. I realized that the problem was my perception--when I'm in the moment, I don't have a great deal of it. I still have a hard time forgetting, because I think about things over and over, but it doesn't bother me as personally now as it did before.



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27 Oct 2013, 6:56 am

I analyze everything until I am exhausted. Then, I do it again the next day. Talking about it over and over again helps. I have decided to not forgive certain people, and that also helps me. The reason I analyze it is to help me confront my past and forgive myself. Depending on what it is, you may never fully get over something. What matters is probably acceptance and a willingness to not block it out. Doing that has made my emotions less severe when I think about bad memories. I then can "ride out" the emotion, knowing it will soon be over.



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06 Nov 2013, 11:28 pm

Opi wrote:
i also think it's really important to develop one's life as much as possible. there's an old saying, nature abhors a vacuum. meaning, it's very hard to let something go without something else replacing it. one reason why people make changes and then backslide. it's known that it's much easier to change a habit by replacing it with another (presumably better/healthier) habit than to just stop.

Very much agree with this point^.

I can't let go or move on (as standalone acts), so much as new stuff happens every day or week that is current-
and therefore feels worse than whatever past wound preceded it.
So it's not that I've gotten over what befell me in the past, but that cruddy new things will inevitably occur,
which distract me from being able to brood about the earlier troubles.

And I agree that the way to keep going when you have to extinguish/diminish a habit or person in your life
is to get a "better" (however that's defined by you) habit or person instead.
Rather than focus on "not" doing/thinking/feeling XYZ (nearly impossible by itself), you're focusing on purposefully doing ABC.
Hopefully XYZ will atrophy/fade/dissipate without the attention, to be eventually replaced by ABC (be it a relationship, behavior, or what have you).


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18 Nov 2013, 12:24 pm

Pritty sure we are all good targets for abuse, some of us older folks have had what seemed to be almost endless bouts of it. The stuff you talk about I like to call the games and the vicious circle. Typical nt stuff. Love your parents. Let the bullies go. People used to tell me to let things go because I dwell on them too much. Sometimes letting go doesn't work. Dwelling can help you learn your way out of things if your smart enough, but it can take a very long time. I would not want you to use advice like this, but I learn my way about stuff by dwelling on it, and than I take the bull by the horns, and hit it head on. It usually makes my heart pound right out of my chest. If you confront these people the outcome is seldom ever good at the time, but when it is all over, it ends up being like somekind of twisted therapy. If they love you everything works out in the end. If they don't, than screw them. Take your beating and move on. I just got a good lashing last night. People owe me money, and they want to use me again. I got a lot of verbal abuse, empty promises, and some mobbing, because I told them no. That toxic additude stuff. Put the hatchet down and move on. There are plenty of other victims to make money off of. :lol:



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18 Nov 2013, 11:14 pm

I love this question, as I am in the process of trying to move on from all the pain of my past. Mindfulness is the only thing that I have found that helps me to not be in constant emotional pain from obsessing about the past, trying to analyze it. or being consumed with worry about the future. I think being obsessed about the past is usually triggered by some fear about the future. I try to focus on the fear, see where it came from and see if it is realistic. Journaling helps me to sort things out because I don't feel my feelings. I just start obsessing about stuff or acting compulsively. I figure out my feelings from that. After I have analyzed whatever it is that is bothering me, I focus on a solution. If the thought keeps coming back after that, I refuse to acknowledge it. I remind myself that I have already found a solution. That is what is working for me right now. I think the beginning of the process is recognizing the need to let go of the past, which you have.



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19 Nov 2013, 5:52 am

Nice... you do pritty good with your ways... and remember... there are three kinds of stupid, and one of them cannot be fixed... I came to that conclusion a while back for some reason, and it really seems to help.



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19 Nov 2013, 8:02 am

Pritty sure I have all of my feelings. I have learned to know them well. I believe I have an extra one NT's do not. I kinda like to call it berzerk. It usually comes from confusion. It's like frustration but different. When I feel this way, that is when I know I better think things out before something bad happens. It can become either destructive on the outside, or self destructive on the inside. I know that a lot of people do not experience this feeling, and sometimes when they know you have it, people provoke it. Those are the ones you need to distance yourself from. For your sake, and safety, and thiers. In a way, when I know what to do with this feeling, it makes me a better person than someone who does not have it. It can manifest itself into someting better. Something ordinary people cannot see, or go the extra mile to figure out. Maybe the fact that NT's can just put things down, look the other way, and forget things soo easily, makes the world worse off than when they were born into it. Mabe we manifested the world as what it is today more than any other people, because of these things, and the way we think.



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19 Nov 2013, 5:41 pm

I can let go and be myself when I'm dancing.I love it and it brings me a sense of freedom.
But I have let go quite a bit in life instead of stressing out so much and taking everything so seriously.I feel really relaxed now and enjoy my days and my time much more than I used to.For years I was going to university to keep my family happy,but it never made me happy.And after quite a while I realized that I was essentially living a lie,it wasn't worth it and it was difficult for me to be honest and stop going.I never really felt any true happiness,only conditioned happiness because I made my family and my boyfriend happy.I never felt like what I was doing was sufficient enough and I was also depressed a lot of the time.I always was very insecure and had low self esteem and was so hard on myself.I had an eating disorder for years that really only stopped this year,so I really have let go of so much this year.
Now,of course,I am thinking about going back but only because I want to.I'm not 100% certain I want to,but what I want to do needs certification and education.I would do it at a slow pace and make sure I am totally comfortable with everything it would entail.



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20 Nov 2013, 4:34 am

Pritty flower lady :). I know what you mean there too I think. I have been a very lucid dreamer my whole life, and for about the past year I have been getting into dream interpretations. Last night I had a weird one that might relate to what you are saying oddly enough. I had a dream that I traded my honda civic si in for a mustang gt. I told everyone why I did it, how much better of a car it is, and everyone believed me. Only thing is I knew deep inside it was not me, it was all a lie. One that everyone else agreed upon. I just woke up from that dream. In reality... that would be just stupid... there is no way I would EVER trade my civic for a mustang... lol... I would much rather pound around an 8,000 rpm k20, that feels like a large go-cart and gets 28 miles to the gallon. Than a louder faster v-8 that's all hood, corners like a bathtub full of water, sifts, and feels funny when you are diving into corners, and a waste of gas... please, don't take this too personal if you own a mustang. They are very cool cars... if your not me. ;)



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20 Nov 2013, 4:37 am

Pritty flower lady :). I know what you mean there too I think. I have been a very lucid dreamer my whole life, and for about the past year I have been getting into dream interpretations. Last night I had a weird one that might relate to what you are saying oddly enough. I had a dream that I traded my honda civic si in for a mustang gt. I told everyone why I did it, how much better of a car it is, and everyone believed me. Only thing is I knew deep inside it was not me, it was all a lie. One that everyone else agreed upon. I just woke up from that dream. In reality... that would be just stupid... there is no way I would EVER trade my civic for a mustang... lol... I would much rather pound around an 8,000 rpm k20, that feels like a large go-cart and gets 28 miles to the gallon. Than a louder faster v-8 that's all hood, corners like a bathtub full of water, sifts, and feels funny when you are diving into corners, and a waste of gas... please, don't take this too personal if you own a mustang. They are very cool cars... if your not me. ;)