Woman Refused to take Autistic, Orphaned Brother on trip

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cyberdad
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10 Aug 2022, 11:50 pm

HeroOfHyrule wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
Not excusing the wife but she did say the brother causes her anxiety so I do feel empathy for her being able to relax or enjoy herself and this might be a holiday she was looking forward to for months.

If she had made an effort to get to understand her brother-in-law beforehand this wouldn't even be an issue. She can't have "anxiety" towards him and expect him to be excluded from her life forever. He's part of her family now whether it makes her comfortable or not, and her husband can't be expected to just tip-toe around her discomfort towards non-allistic people.


I think he can be part of the family but would you sacrifice enjoying your precious holiday to babysit a grown adult? Holidays aren't cheap, they can go upward to $20-30K for a whole family and we don't know how much extra effort having the husbands brother will be? I can't imagine it will be relaxing for her.

I also don't know if whether she married her husband that his brother was living with his parents at the time so she might not have dreamed that after getting married she would end up being a surrogate mother to an autistic adult.

You are making it sound like its an obligation for her. I am really not sure that it is.



HeroOfHyrule
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10 Aug 2022, 11:59 pm

cyberdad wrote:
I think he can be part of the family but would you sacrifice enjoying your precious holiday to babysit a grown adult? Holidays aren't cheap, they can go upward to $20-30K for a whole family and we don't know how much extra effort having the husbands brother will be? I can't imagine it will be relaxing for her.

I also don't know if whether she married her husband that his brother was living with his parents at the time so she might not have dreamed that after getting married she would end up being a surrogate mother to an autistic adult.

You are making it sound like its an obligation for her. I am really not sure that it is.

We also don't know if he'll actually be any extra effort at all. All we know is he's "autistic" and that makes her uncomfortable.

The kid is also living with his aunt. She's not his "surrogate mother" because her husband wants to spend time with his brother. God forbid people love and care for their autistic family members like they would any allistic family member, it must be so inherently draining to do so. /s

I'm also really not sure if it's as big of a deal as she's making it out to be and don't get why she can't just attempt to get along with him. When you marry someone you don't get to automatically cut out your partners family members from things because their neurology makes you uncomfortable. My opinion on that won't change no matter how many people want to act like autistic people are inherently and automatically draining, and shouldn't be allowed the same amount of consideration allistic people get.



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11 Aug 2022, 12:02 am

There're some questions that the article doesn't address.

1. How long ago was this trip planned? When was the wife's friend invited along? How close (in time) is this to the trip?
2. As the brother is a minor, they will be held responsible for him. Does his insurance coverage work out of state?
3. How affected/disabled is the brother? How is his behavior?
4. Does she have medical (physical or mental) conditions that may make the added stress too much?
5. As adults going together, the friend can go enjoy resort resources or other things alone, which could give the couple alone time.
6. How are they travelling? And there could be expenses from the new ticket and perhaps changing tickets.
7. Is the friend that was previously invited comfortable with having an added person in the group or room? How about a minor? Male? Does she have conditions that would make an additional person an issue?

I think it would be better if they went on their trip as planned, & then possibly plan a smaller, closer trip with the brother for another time. I also don't think it's fair to think that the wife hasn't or won't make efforts to be more comfortable around the brother. We also can't know if the husband's behavior overall is controlling or raising red flags.



cyberdad
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11 Aug 2022, 1:19 am

HeroOfHyrule wrote:
The kid is also living with his aunt. She's not his "surrogate mother" because her husband wants to spend time with his brother. God forbid people love and care for their autistic family members like they would any allistic family member, it must be so inherently draining to do so. /s

I'm also really not sure if it's as big of a deal as she's making it out to be and don't get why she can't just attempt to get along with him. When you marry someone you don't get to automatically cut out your partners family members from things because their neurology makes you uncomfortable. My opinion on that won't change no matter how many people want to act like autistic people are inherently and automatically draining, and shouldn't be allowed the same amount of consideration allistic people get.


I did say everyone has a valid argument in this case. The young brother has the right to enjoy life, the husbands has the right to spend time with his brother. and the wife/friend have the right to have a girls trip together,

The boy is not genetically related so I can understand the woman feeling she didn't sign up for this. I can tell you that when my daughter was diagnosed both my wife and my blood relations suddenly found excuses to not visit us anymore. My parents want to spend time holidaying with my daughter but they live in another state and are too old to travel.

So no I don't condone the behaviour and attitude but I also am realistic that most people don't want to share in the burden of caring for somebody else's problem (and yes that is how NTs look at autistic people who have special needs).



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12 Aug 2022, 8:54 pm

I'm curious to know what the 17-year-old brother actually wants to do.



cyberdad
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12 Aug 2022, 9:00 pm

KimD wrote:
I'm curious to know what the 17-year-old brother actually wants to do.


I'm guessing he isn't into getting interviewed by journalists. There's a lot of people on the spectrum who are unable to express themselves and rely on parents, siblings and carers to act on their behalf.



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12 Aug 2022, 9:40 pm

cyberdad wrote:
KimD wrote:
I'm curious to know what the 17-year-old brother actually wants to do.


I'm guessing he isn't into getting interviewed by journalists. There's a lot of people on the spectrum who are unable to express themselves and rely on parents, siblings and carers to act on their behalf.


Of course--I absolutely don't expect any further light to be shed! That's simply not how AITA, advice columns, etc. work.

I do, though, sincerely hope that at least the older brother has his best interests at heart and a realistic plan, more than just a desire to ease his own conscience. (It might be hard for him to think clearly when he's in mourning, too.) Here's hoping that brother knows best!



cyberdad
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12 Aug 2022, 11:59 pm

KimD wrote:
I do, though, sincerely hope that at least the older brother has his best interests at heart and a realistic plan, more than just a desire to ease his own conscience. (It might be hard for him to think clearly when he's in mourning, too.) Here's hoping that brother knows best!


Hard to say. In this day and age everyone puports to be "busy" so a story like this where a brother wants to spend time with his autistic sibling during a holiday he organised with his wife and her friend make him seem like he's somehow unusually caring and kind. But we don't know if he's just feeling guilty? maybe he dumped the brother on his aunt?

That's why stories like this everyone has a reason behind why the feel the way they do,



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15 Aug 2022, 10:59 pm

Her attitude looks as though it's been beaten with an ugly stick.


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15 Aug 2022, 11:02 pm

yeah kid just lost his last parent at 17 years old and she is talking this way?

but maybe she makes him uncomfortable too and he doesnt want to go anyway..


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16 Aug 2022, 10:31 am

I wonder if the 17 year old can sense how much his aunt hates him.


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16 Aug 2022, 10:36 am

CockneyRebel wrote:
I wonder if the 17 year old can sense how much his aunt hates him.
She does not seem to "hate" him so much as she wants to have exclusive "Us Time" with her hubby.  I can understand that, because when my wife and I discussed our vacation plans with her relatives, it was often that at least one (or more) of her relatives would either want to tag along, or would want us to take a child or two with us.  Most of the time, this was not a problem.  It was when Mrs. Fnord's relatives dominated her time so much that I became the "tag-along" member.  This has not happened in the last 5 or 6 years, so I cannot say that it is still true.

In my opinion, the woman in question has every right and reason to object.


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16 Aug 2022, 1:02 pm

Fnord wrote:
CockneyRebel wrote:
I wonder if the 17 year old can sense how much his aunt hates him.
She does not seem to "hate" him so much as she wants to have exclusive "Us Time" with her hubby.  I can understand that, because when my wife and I discussed our vacation plans with her relatives, it was often that at least one (or more) of her relatives would either want to tag along, or would want us to take a child or two with us.  Most of the time, this was not a problem.  It was when Mrs. Fnord's relatives dominated her time so much that I became the "tag-along" member.  This has not happened in the last 5 or 6 years, so I cannot say that it is still true.

In my opinion, the woman in question has every right and reason to object.


I still say if the woman is inviting guests, the Husband can do the same. If this Aunt wanted this vacation to be private with just her husband she shouldn't have invited friends along.

Generally speaking, people who ask the question, "AITA" usually know they are, but want other people to validate their selfishness and/or rude behavior...and to relive that tiny bit of guilt, so that can be fre to engage in even more selfish behavior.



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16 Aug 2022, 1:16 pm

DanielW wrote:
Fnord wrote:
CockneyRebel wrote:
I wonder if the 17 year old can sense how much his aunt hates him.
She does not seem to "hate" him so much as she wants to have exclusive "Us Time" with her hubby.  I can understand that, because when my wife and I discussed our vacation plans with her relatives, it was often that at least one (or more) of her relatives would either want to tag along, or would want us to take a child or two with us.  Most of the time, this was not a problem.  It was when Mrs. Fnord's relatives dominated her time so much that I became the "tag-along" member.  This has not happened in the last 5 or 6 years, so I cannot say that it is still true.  In my opinion, the woman in question has every right and reason to object.
I still say if the woman is inviting guests, the Husband can do the same.  If this Aunt wanted this vacation to be private with just her husband she shouldn't have invited friends along.
Where does the original article say that she invited friends?  All it said about her friends was that her husband would be "fine with her bringing a friend along" (a hypothetical situation).
DanielW wrote:
Generally speaking, people who ask the question, "AITA" usually know they are, but want other people to validate their selfishness and/or rude behavior...and to relive that tiny bit of guilt, so that can be free to engage in even more selfish behavior.
Strange . . . I get a different impression; one of people who stand up for themselves instead of being pushovers, and who want to validate their right to do so.


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DanielW
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16 Aug 2022, 1:54 pm

You may be right. It just seems to me, it happens more often than not. I don't think if someone was sure of their position they would bother to ask the question in the first place.



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16 Aug 2022, 1:57 pm

DanielW wrote:
You may be right. It just seems to me, it happens more often than not. I don't think if someone was sure of their position they would bother to ask the question in the first place.
It is sometimes worthwhile to ask for feedback on difficult decisions.


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