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Crystal1414
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05 Sep 2022, 4:36 pm

I have so much shame. It's a bit overwhelming. I feel ashamed of who I am. Its partly because people around me get annoyed with me constantly. I want to change how I am. Also I am told to not feel shame by the same people who get annoyed. It doesnt really help.

I feel like people do not like me. I'm not fully sure what I'm doing wrong. I know I'm doing something wrong though. I feel like my shame holds me back. I'm ashamed because I have a hard time with stuff and I think people dont like it after a while. At first they just think I'm a bit weird but charming. After a while though they just think I'm weird.

My sister is at an age where she just wants nothing to do with me sometimes. She definitely thinks I'm weird. We get in fights. I feel shame because of it. She has friends that come over. They dont seem to like when I'm around anymore. Yet they always want me to do favors for them. They dont like my conversation topics. They think I have too much to say. Everyone tells me to slow down. That's not easy to do. I have compulsions to say things sometimes. I dont want them to miss out. They accuse me of not listening. I listen a lot. I just tend to go on tangents.

I'm ashamed because I feel like I dont understand how conversations work and I'm always getting in trouble for it. Also I'm not allowed to talk about certain topics. Also I'm no longer allowed to talk about my issues with my sister. Yet she can talk about hers.

I struggle with stuff and when I try to say I'd rather not take my medication I am told that I must or else I cannot stay. It's really frustrating. Like I'm aware that people say I have a mental illness. I'm aware of it but I dont want to do anything about because maybe it's not a mental illness. Maybe the medication makes it worse. Maybe I just need to feel like I belong. I do not like going to appointments. That increases the shame. It feels like they just want to make me quieter or something. I dont fully appreciate it.

I dont know how to deal with my feelings. I dont know how to deal with myself. It's really hard to explain but I have a weird experience of life. I do not fully feel real. I feel like my body is not mine. Sometimes it is but currently it is not. I can't talk about it because it will cause people to view me really differently. They already do though. Sometimes I dont even feel like I can identify with my name. I've been terrified that people know about this and that they think it's funny or that I'm a target for something. Like they talk about me when I walk, sleep, breathe, and do anything at night. Nobody believes me when I say that I dont feel safe. They think I'm an overly cautious person. They really do not understand. I'm pretty sure there are people in the backyard sometimes. Also I feel like I cant walk around at night. I'm scared of windows. I'm scared of the mirror. The thing is I'm pretty sure I have a gift and it's a curse in a way.

I have some insights into the spiritual world but I'm not allowed to mention that. Sometimes I feel like I'm an angel on earth but I'm a man. God doesnt fully approve of me. Sometimes I'm just me though. Medication doesnt really affect these feelings. Just makes my moods more mellow. God does love me though. I'm supposed to do certain things though. I'm not skilled enough to convey the message though. Also christian people seem to like me. Although some of them think I need help. I just have always felt this rift in the 2 worlds. My dreams make more sense when I think of the rift.

However I have shame because not everyone agrees and some people are skeptical. I've had experiences that really do prove some things. I have nothing against being skeptical though. I just dont really enjoy getting yelled at or having mean spirited debates. People insult me when I speak of certain things. I'm just wondering how to feel more okay about myself. Like I'm not depressed but I'm not happy. I just want to make some sense out of my life. I feel like I'm not accepted sometimes.



klanka
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05 Sep 2022, 4:45 pm

Quote:
God does love me though. I'm supposed to do certain things though


Like what?
Whenever I thought God wanted me to do something it turned out to be fake every time.



nick007
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14 Sep 2022, 2:15 am

Your post sounds a lot like my girlfriend except your more paranoid & your family pushes you away. Cass is hyper & moody & often talks a lot & goes off on tangents. She also has OCD, various anxiety issues, & different forms of depression. She has a very close relationship with her family thou but they have their own various mental & physical issues & she has a very codependent relationship with a couple members. She had some extremist religious beliefs pushed on her growing up like pride is a sin, everyone else's needs must always come before hers, & thoughts have power. She's a spiritual person but has a very love/hate relationship with god. The god others want her to believe is very judgemental & spiteful & Cass is a very loving person & can not condone that.

She hates herself & always feels she's the weakest link. She never judges others the way she judges herself. She's her own worst critic. Me & her both have various physical & mental issues & she never judges me or other disableds negatively as she judges herself. The people in her neighborhood had a bit of money & her dad worked long hard hours for one of the people with money. Her immediate family was treated like dirt for being dirt poor & things sometimes got vandalized or stolen & her neighborhood & police acted like that did not happen. She's on a bit of psych meds & hates being on them but things tend to go a bit better for her when she's more stable & she does seem happier even if she doesn't believe it. Psych meds are trial & error & she tends to have aLOT more error or bad side-effects when some things improve.

I'm not sure if you can relate to any of that Crystal. The only potentially helpful thing I can think to tell you rite now which I know is probably very little help is that there are others out there who would be more understanding & accepting of you than your family & others currently in your life are. You may be the weird outsider with others but you are NOT the problem. I think a lot of the problems us autistics have are due to living in a world that is not designed for us, this forum is called Wrong Planet for a reason. I'm sure it's like that for some people with other mental disorders as well. This world values conformity & popularity & plenty of outsiders would never be able to measure up. It may help to find & reach out some fellow outsiders even if they don't fully relate to you, you could still relate to being outsiders in this crazy f#cked-up world. I really wish I could be of more help


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ThisTimelessMoment
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25 Sep 2022, 12:52 am

In my experience the thing that absolutely kills shame is exposure. When I just open up and talk to people about thing things I'm ashamed of, the shame gradually decreases. I've found 12 step groups useful for this as it's a space where I can say anything I need to and there will be no reply or comment or advice or any response at all from anyone else there. That's a safe space with no cross-talk.


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