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firemonkey
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22 Oct 2022, 6:59 am

When you don't want to upset people by rejecting friendship requests, but you're scared/worried that the more they get to know you the more they'll see a reason to reject you.



naturalplastic
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22 Oct 2022, 7:12 am

Could you elaborate?

Are you asking about how to deal with folks ...whom you dont like...liking you, and latching onto you for friendship?

Or

Are you talking about folks that you dont dislike...requesting friendship...but whom you are already convinced would change their minds and stop liking you ... if they really got to know you?

If its the latter then why are you so convinced that you are so dislikeable?



firemonkey
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22 Oct 2022, 8:07 am

The latter. Why? The bullying effect. Bullying related trauma, Low self confidence. Low self worth. Paranoia. Too boring.Socially inept.



naturalplastic
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22 Oct 2022, 1:06 pm

I relate to some extent.

Lately memories of school days have drifted into my middle aged mind that cause me to regret.

I was unpopular in my class in junior but there was this dude who kept trying befriend me, and would just blow him off, and dont why I did that. And there was another guy at my school bus stop who would call it out to me when I was walking home. And I assumed he was like every other school bully who was just trying to set me up to humiliate me, so I just gave him icy silence. Ages later it occurs to me that he could have been just trying make friends with me, and that I missed out on a good friendship.

But that sorta thing doesnt happen now.

Not sure what to say. I could say 'let people be friends with you' and just take the chance that they wont turn tail on you.



himmellaufen
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22 Oct 2022, 2:19 pm

same but reverse; I'm afraid that the more I get to know them, the more I will find reasons to reject them, and I'll just waste my time on them



firemonkey
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22 Oct 2022, 2:22 pm

I think it's me. I'll have an exchange of emails with someone , but sooner or later it fizzles out. It doesn't help that not much of great interest happens in my life. I have a very limited lifestyle .



LeafyGenes
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04 Dec 2022, 2:46 pm

My social life began to turn around when I started getting more used to rejection. I thought rejection was the end of the world, until I learned that "studies have shown" the popular kids in school get rejected from games etc just as often as the unpopular kids, they just don't get as upset about it. I think that was a bit of a turning point for me.

I realised that all my life I had been searching for a couple of special people to be friends with and rejecting everyone else. Now I think that it takes 10 strangers to make 1 acquaintance, and 10 acquaintances to make one friend. That means for every friend you want to make, you need to mix with 100 people, so it's time to get started. It's probably much more than 100, I just made the numbers up. Probably the odder you are, the MORE you have to mix with ordinary people in everyday life, not just wait for some person to come along who is probably a bully anyway.

Another thing that helped is my husband telling me that he didn't like his friends at first but they kept turning up and eventually they were friends. That was the opposite of my "reject most people" approach and made me think.

PS I found it was very very important to "keep in touch" on a regular basis online. Keeping in touch, without trying to fix anything, builds trust in a magical way because people think "this person has kept in touch once a month for a year and nothing bad has happened to me yet" which is the main reason for rejecting others if you think about it - "something bad might happen." So if you feel rejected and give up quickly, often you are missing out.



shortfatbalduglyman
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05 Dec 2022, 1:14 pm

"but you're scared/worried that the more they get to know you the more they'll see a reason to reject you."

you do not have to accept anyone's facebook request if you do not want to.

nobody has to accept someone else's facebook request if they do not want to.

plenty of people have had the nerve to reject my facebook request. i do not have the right to do anything about it.

it annoys me how plenty of precious lil "people" at work (i work at home depot as a lot attendant), have the nerve to call me "buddy" or "amigo", but then when they think i did the slightest thing wrong, it's like "dr jekyll and mister hyde". they do not know me that well. however, i am not perfect. but they are not that great either.