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cyberdad
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17 Jun 2021, 11:40 pm

idntonkw wrote:
I think people can help more by offering sympathy, not advice.


There's a number of WP members who left this site disgruntled because all they got was sympathy for not being able to find a girl friend and little in the way of advice or offers.



DW_a_mom
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18 Jun 2021, 1:30 am

QFT wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
I think for most of us the percentage of the population that needs our positive qualities while being able to deal with our negative ones is going to be pretty small.


Does it apply to NT-s or just to aspies?

I guess I am not sure how to take the word "us" since I don't remember if you are on the spectrum too, or just your son is.


I think what I wrote is true regardless of neurology. I would expect that, on average, NTs engage in more relationships volume wise, but that does not make them the right relationships (I know many NTs who spent decades in very, very wrong relationships, and they might have been more negatively tainted by the experience than you are negatively tainted by the frustration of feeling left out).

I also know far many wonderful men and women that are still single as they reach retirement age.

When you combine divorces with those never married, more people fail to meet the right person than succeed.

We actually don't know if I'm on the spectrum; I tend to assume I'm part of the broader autistic phenotype, now that such a phrase exists. There are ways my family thinks I most definitely am ASD, but I also know that I don't really process information and think like my son does, either. Perhaps I'm just my own rare species.


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DW_a_mom
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18 Jun 2021, 1:36 am

cyberdad wrote:
idntonkw wrote:
I think people can help more by offering sympathy, not advice.


There's a number of WP members who left this site disgruntled because all they got was sympathy for not being able to find a girl friend and little in the way of advice or offers.


I'm not sure there is a best answer on what to offer. Each person is so different.

I know what I wish I had understood better when I was single, but that doesn't mean it is helpful for anyone else. I know the obvious road blocks I can see with some of the posters, but even then there might be more exceptions than I am aware of. Still, I offer my perspective because sometimes it could turn out to be the right words for someone. If everyone keeps throwing spaghetti at the wall something is bound to stick.


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cyberdad
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18 Jun 2021, 1:40 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
I offer my perspective because sometimes it could turn out to be the right words for someone. If everyone keeps throwing spaghetti at the wall something is bound to stick.


That's precisely the point I was trying to make to idntonkw.

It's ok to offer sympathy (as idntonkw recommends) but I've read too many distressed posts from WP members who have been here for years who are frustrated why no girl will talk to them or give them a chance.



kraftiekortie
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18 Jun 2021, 6:11 am

Giving advice is good when it’s offered without making the recipient of the advice feel he/she is inferior to the advice-giver.



cyberdad
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18 Jun 2021, 6:26 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Giving advice is good when it’s offered without making the recipient of the advice feel he/she is inferior to the advice-giver.


Where am I suggesting I am superior Kraftie? I give advice because I went through this and came out the other end.



kraftiekortie
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18 Jun 2021, 6:27 am

I wasn’t speaking of you at all. I was just speaking in general.

I don’t sense you have a superiority complex.



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 18 Jun 2021, 6:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

cyberdad
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18 Jun 2021, 6:28 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I wasn’t speaking of you at all. I was just speaking in general.


Oh ok



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18 Jun 2021, 6:38 am

cyberdad wrote:
I went through this and came out the other end.


Are you referring to financial issues or relationship issues, or what are you referring to?



cyberdad
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18 Jun 2021, 7:13 am

QFT wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
I went through this and came out the other end.


Are you referring to financial issues or relationship issues, or what are you referring to?


Relationships, I went through the "why don't girls ever talk to me" phase. Lasted quite a number of years. Eventually a lightbulb went off in my head and I had options. My secret? I went to Asia!



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18 Jun 2021, 7:36 am

cyberdad wrote:
QFT wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
I went through this and came out the other end.


Are you referring to financial issues or relationship issues, or what are you referring to?


Relationships, I went through the "why don't girls ever talk to me" phase. Lasted quite a number of years. Eventually a lightbulb went off in my head and I had options. My secret? I went to Asia!


I remember you told me about working in Malasia, but I assumed the work was the main purpose you were there, not the girls. Yes you met your wife there but that was just by accident, while the purpose of being there is work.

Or are you saying I assumed wrong, and your actual purpose were girls while you looked for a work that would accommodate that purpose?

In any case, do you think in Asia it is easier to find women because they want to move to Australia and live more economically secure lives? But in this case this is not a true love, thats basically using you.



DW_a_mom
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18 Jun 2021, 2:07 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Giving advice is good when it’s offered without making the recipient of the advice feel he/she is inferior to the advice-giver.


That is always the tricky part, isn't it? I can only hope I never do that, and I certainly try, yet I know on occasion I have (since the person told me I had). It's difficult. I never feel that anyone else is inferior, but this medium isn't always an accurate representation of our intent as we write.


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DW_a_mom
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18 Jun 2021, 2:21 pm

QFT wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
QFT wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
I went through this and came out the other end.


Are you referring to financial issues or relationship issues, or what are you referring to?


Relationships, I went through the "why don't girls ever talk to me" phase. Lasted quite a number of years. Eventually a lightbulb went off in my head and I had options. My secret? I went to Asia!


I remember you told me about working in Malasia, but I assumed the work was the main purpose you were there, not the girls. Yes you met your wife there but that was just by accident, while the purpose of being there is work.

Or are you saying I assumed wrong, and your actual purpose were girls while you looked for a work that would accommodate that purpose?

In any case, do you think in Asia it is easier to find women because they want to move to Australia and live more economically secure lives? But in this case this is not a true love, thats basically using you.


Can I interject for a moment?

A few things:

1. If you go someplace for work without any specific intention of finding your partner but find your partner while you are there, does it matter that looking for dates wasn't the primary purpose? As many married posters here have said repeatedly, more often than not, people meet their partners when they are NOT LOOKING. Live a life that is interesting to you, that keeps you engaged and fulfilled, and you become more attractive. It's one of the weird ironies of life.

2. Please don't be rude to someone who is happy in their marriage by suggesting their spouse may be using them, because that is what your statement sounds like. IMHO true love can be whatever makes both partners happy in life. I realize we are all sold this rosy vision of soul mates and "one true love" from media and fairy tales, but relationships that look like that are extremely rare. Right now running through every successful and happy relationship I know I'm coming to only a few out of hundreds that bear any resemblance to the fairy tale. It's adorable, it's fun to see, but so are all the other successful relationships that each have their own unique reasons for working so well in the long run. People are all unique, and so are their relationships. The right relationship is the one that works for you.

I saw something in my husband the moment I met him and I know with certainty that we were meant to be together, but I don't think anyone sees us as any sort of "true love" couple. It just isn't who we are as individuals or as a couple.


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cyberdad
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18 Jun 2021, 5:24 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
2. Please don't be rude to someone who is happy in their marriage by suggesting their spouse may be using them, because that is what your statement sounds like. IMHO true love can be whatever makes both partners happy in life. .


:lol: I'm used to QFT's line of thinking, I don't think he mean't anything rude, he's just very curious. But thanks for the support, you are of course (as always) providing sensible advice.



cyberdad
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18 Jun 2021, 5:34 pm

QFT wrote:
I remember you told me about working in Malasia, but I assumed the work was the main purpose you were there, not the girls. Yes you met your wife there but that was just by accident, while the purpose of being there is work.

Or are you saying I assumed wrong, and your actual purpose were girls while you looked for a work that would accommodate that purpose?

In any case, do you think in Asia it is easier to find women because they want to move to Australia and live more economically secure lives? But in this case this is not a true love, thats basically using you.


My main purpose was work-experience. However, in the back of my mind I also thought about meeting a girl (the light bulb). In reality I experienced something that I never experienced before dating in Australia. In Australia I was struggling to get girls to be interested in me sexually (let alone talk to me). But in Malaysia it was completely different. They literally threw themselves at me!! I was spoiled for choice, I had every type of Asian female literally tell me they wanted to get married.

I was bought up with conservative christian social values (at that time) so I never exploited my advantage by sleeping with these girls (many other expat men did) but I enjoyed a dating life and got to 1st base more times than I could count. I admit, I was intoxicated by my power and regret I may have broken a few hearts because I was spoilt for choice.

Ironically my future wife was already living in Australia. When I returned to Australia I joined Malaysian societies (I learned to speak Bahasa fluently but tended to communicate in English) and continued my new found status. I honestly never had experienced anything remotely like this among local Australian girls (even the so-called christian ones). I barely had a handful of dates with Aussies but had dated nearly a hundred asian girls and moved in circles where my friends were largely Asian female.

Ironically I did have to wait for my Malayisan born wife though as she was already dating somebody. Eventually waiting paid off :D



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18 Jun 2021, 5:55 pm

Definitely glad you found your niche.