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Urthred
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31 Jul 2021, 10:10 pm

So, I don't normally post much here but I am kind of totally lost and I need some outlet for this or I am just going to keep chasing it in my head.

I met this girl online a little while ago and we have a crazy amount in common, like 99% match, and I managed to get a date. We talked all day like over 12 hours together late into the night. I thought we really clicked but a couple days later when I reached out and tried to set up a second date she told me she just "didn't feel a spark" but was alright being friends. So navigating that we agreed to get drinks the other night and again instant connection talked and drank late into the night. I eventually broached the subject with her and she told me I was just to nice and that she only dated as*holes...okay I thought I'm not that nice. Well, later in the evening and several drinks in an opportunity arose and In the course of a joke asked her if she would be upset if I kissed her. She looked surprised at first then paused and looked me in the eyes but wouldn't say anything in response other than she was thinking. After a moment I backed off because of her previous statement desiring friendship and I dunno the realization that we were both a fairly drunk at this point it was not "moral" for lack of better term. We continued hanging out most of the night and she was fun and got way to drunk which I have understood she only does when she feels she is safe with someone. Did I blow my shot here? What is this line I have to walk between being respectful of her and consent and not coming off like an insecure timid idiot. Frankly, I'm out of my depth here and she knows it but have I completely blown this?



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01 Aug 2021, 10:46 am

If she's become such a good friend then maybe ask her if she knows anybody who might want to hook up with you.

Women either are or aren't sexually attracted, in direct contradiction to what Hollywood will tell you. You can't "woo" a reluctant partner into bed with you. When I was single I usually looked for women who would be sexually receptive with the understanding that if a more serious relationship might develop then so be it.


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01 Aug 2021, 10:58 pm

Urthred wrote:
I eventually broached the subject with her and she told me I was just to nice and that she only dated as*holes...

So that's why women like me.


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DW_a_mom
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02 Aug 2021, 2:30 am

I don't honestly believe it when women say "too nice." They usually mean something else that they either don't want to articulate, or don't know how to articulate.

And ... Sometimes "nice" is used to mean "you don't challenge me, you seem too eager to please, and I don't want to walk all over you."

I do think you could have slowly moved in for a kiss when she said "I'm thinking." Even if a woman sees a man just as a friend, sometimes, well, the mood is different. It can be tricky territory, however; keeping communication open is really important.

Attraction is an odd thing. It doesn't always make sense. But one thing to be aware of is that attraction and "spark" can grow and change over time. So who knows. If it is meant to be, the opportunity won't have just magically disappeared because of one blurry evening.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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02 Aug 2021, 5:50 am

Stop texting her and wait.


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02 Aug 2021, 5:54 am

Yeah…I’ve had women who don’t feel challenged by me—so they broke up with me.

I’ve been called “too nice.”

But so what? I stick to my guns. I am stubborn in my “niceness.” I’m not changing.



darkvanilla
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03 Aug 2021, 12:43 am

Here's some advice that I learned in life: quit texting or talking to your date. She'll either 1) start texting you cuz she's wondering why your not texting her or 2) she's really not into you. And if she's not into you, there's plenty of fish in the sea that you can date.

For me, I don't even date right now. Used to do dating apps until I realized they were kind of a waste of time for others to seek validation by dating me.

I also used to be considered "too nice" until I got out of that phase. One Youtube channel that helped me was run by a guy named Darius M. You should check it out.



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03 Aug 2021, 1:45 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
I don't honestly believe it when women say "too nice." They usually mean something else that they either don't want to articulate, or don't know how to articulate.

And ... Sometimes "nice" is used to mean "you don't challenge me, you seem too eager to please, and I don't want to walk all over you."

^ This is true

But I think what else she said may be a continuation of her trying to say something without fully saying it. For me the entire statement of "just to nice and that she only dated as*holes." is where I checked up. This could be taken a couple different ways, including just at face value. However, I know if I were to make that sort of statement to a guy, it would be a warning. A "I have issues and a bag of baggage that makes me and having a relationship with me difficult." My inclination would be that she might actually think you're nice and is telling you that because she doesn't want to 'wreck' you, waste your time, or maybe she doesn't feel she deserves someone nice.

Bare in mind that I'm just speculating on that one statement, it's also entirely possible she was just giving some excuses because she legitimately just doesn't feel an attraction although likes chatting with you. There really isn't enough information to draw a solid conclusion.

Because of that though, I wouldn't say that you 'blew your chance'. If she's up for being friends, why not try that? Get to know her more and gather more of that information. If it turns out it was more about 'her' rather than an attraction thing, if you still like her, you'd probably end up with another chance.


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03 Aug 2021, 3:23 pm

darkvanilla wrote:
Here's some advice that I learned in life: quit texting or talking to your date. She'll either 1) start texting you cuz she's wondering why your not texting her or 2) she's really not into you. And if she's not into you, there's plenty of fish in the sea that you can date.

For me, I don't even date right now. Used to do dating apps until I realized they were kind of a waste of time for others to seek validation by dating me.

I also used to be considered "too nice" until I got out of that phase. One Youtube channel that helped me was run by a guy named Darius M. You should check it out.


Probably best to be careful with that one, if you go too long without communicating with them...they'll move on because they'll figure they have been ghosted.

Also, that guys videos seem great, if you view women as just playthings and objects. But maybe not so great for people who want a genuine relationship with someone they truly come to care about.


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03 Aug 2021, 8:16 pm

Alterity wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
I don't honestly believe it when women say "too nice." They usually mean something else that they either don't want to articulate, or don't know how to articulate.

And ... Sometimes "nice" is used to mean "you don't challenge me, you seem too eager to please, and I don't want to walk all over you."

^ This is true

But I think what else she said may be a continuation of her trying to say something without fully saying it. For me the entire statement of "just to nice and that she only dated as*holes." is where I checked up. This could be taken a couple different ways, including just at face value. However, I know if I were to make that sort of statement to a guy, it would be a warning. A "I have issues and a bag of baggage that makes me and having a relationship with me difficult." My inclination would be that she might actually think you're nice and is telling you that because she doesn't want to 'wreck' you, waste your time, or maybe she doesn't feel she deserves someone nice.


Definitely a possibility.


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04 Aug 2021, 5:35 am

I have been told I am too nice as well.



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06 Aug 2021, 9:59 am

Any woman who straight-out says that she only dates as*holes is a woman you probably don't want to date.


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06 Aug 2021, 3:40 pm

Same as me. I've been told this before and quite recently. Being told by someone you're "to nice" is basically saying they don't feel you're man enough for them. It's literally down to masculinity and only that.

On the other hand, when I'm told I'm "to nice" for a woman that particular lady is effectively ostracised by me. Any future relationship troubles I won't help them with irrespective of how serious they are. If they want someone "bad" then I won't help them if their next partner is genuinely bad. They did after all want someone bad....even if that means domestic abuse as it often results in.......it's their call and I sit on the fence and become an observer and nothing more.

Probably something for them to think about next time.



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06 Aug 2021, 3:44 pm

Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
Any woman who straight-out says that she only dates as*holes is a woman you probably don't want to date.


As a general rule of thumb, a woman who only dates as*holes usually comes back to the nice guys to save them from those very as*holes......only for them to go back to those as*holes again.

Rinse and repeat I guess.



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07 Aug 2021, 6:57 am

Shes been with abusive jerks before, drama attracts her. Being handled.

She doesn't know what in the world else could attract her, and she needs it fast and clear. That spark. She is used to gain with people who are more used to taking charge. And she probably had experience before with people who don't and they turned her off to the point she just wanted to end it.

If that spark is missing, she believes that she wont have a future with the person and sooner or later shell be too bored that shell just hurt the person and have to leave, or even cheat on the person. Thats a lot of distress and responsibility to think about. At this point she should under no circumstances make any choice. She needs to be certain she can have attraction and a future with you. And she sounds very skeptical that it can ever happen because you seem like a good guy and that scares her.

It's possible the attraction she has for you is minimal, or inexistent. She may be thinking about it and maybe some of it somehow makes her wonder, thats why she sticks around. Let me think about it, isnt like "i told you you idiot that we're just friends, stop harrassing me with it." I dont think "let me think about it" is just curteous, sparing you of continuous rejection. But obviously trying again while shes trying to think about it will be a turnoff and overwhelming.

At this point i think what she needs is guidance. Plan, set fun adventures, take charge, show her what is special about you. Do you hike? Such male qualities are especially awesome. When women say they need bad men its actually their impressive qualities they need, but they dont realize it. It's not the drama, this just brings back trauma bonding instincts.


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Rexi
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07 Aug 2021, 10:39 am

When she goes like "let me think about it" given that she has sorta wanted you to not be a bad guy, you could go like "should i just kiss you to show you I can be a bad boy too?". Humor and flirting is essential with women. Don't take my word for it though, read it:

https://coursesfree.org/course/how-to-flirt/

Then at some point they talk about women wanting bad guys. I forgot which video, i dont even know if it was even these.


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