Dating Someone YouDont Like Just For Relationship Experience

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What Would You Do? (Read Post Before Voting)
Date her. At least you get romantic and sexual experience which could be beneficial later and you can always end the relationship if you dont like it. 31%  31%  [ 9 ]
Don't date her. It's not worth it to date someone you don't like if you're not attracted to them. Hold out for someone who you are attracted to. 69%  69%  [ 20 ]
Total votes : 29

Wornhat
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28 Oct 2021, 1:43 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Even so. Humans have feelings. Not all relationships last even when you are really into the other person, bit at least you fancied them and enjoyed their company.

What the OP is talking about is using someone you are not attracted to and pretending, acting out a relationship just for some experience.

That will hurt someone more than genuinely wanting to be with them, but having things draw to a natural conclusion.


I agree with you. Pain and pleasure exist in equal portions in the universe, and don’t exist separate from each other. I think what you’re describing aligns with the idea of ‘play’, practicing life with others in order to get better at it and to understand the strange place we found ourselves existing in one day. Play seems to be universally important for all species who participate in it. Maybe the heart break caused by relationships is equally or more important than the comfort caused by relationships. I think a pseudo-reason he are here is to experience. This doesn’t fit into my logic but it does in a secondary backwards kind of way. The comets and meteors don’t care about our feelings or relationships, and perhaps the comets and meteors trump our feelings in terms of importance to Reality.

I think it’s immoral to consciously use someone for any purpose, without their complete informed consent. This is manipulation, and manipulation is only proper in relation to ‘enemy’ figures, never friends or loved ones. But we use people anyways, whether we know it or not. We manipulate subconsciously via our arrangement of words. I was recently called out on this. I was being manipulative when I didn’t even realize it.

It’s almost impossible for me to not go off on tangents, but I think this is still relatively on topic enough to be included. Forgive me if otherwise, correct me with a paddle


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28 Oct 2021, 2:25 pm

HeroOfHyrule wrote:
I'd pick neither option. I'd date her if I only wasn't physically attracted to her, and it wouldn't just be for "relationship experience". If I like her personality and hanging out with her enough to consider dating her then it's not like I "don't like her" just because she's not my type appearance wise. I also have dated overweight people before and the person I was the most attracted to was actually overweight.


Same. If this person is really nice I would consider them "datable". Attraction is about SO much more than appearance. Levels of attraction can also change in a relationship over time spent together.

If the OP just plans on using her purely for experience (with no intention of giving her a chance as a partner), I don't think that's a very sensitive approach.


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Wornhat
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28 Oct 2021, 2:50 pm

I read the original post as more of a hypothetical question than actually asking for advice. I think the question has an obvious moral answer but like all things, truth is intermingled through further breaking down of the concept.


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29 Oct 2021, 5:57 am

Why bother? Us guys who haven't dated by 25 are so out of touch with the vast, vast majority of people that there's basically nothing we can do to turn it around. Better to just go see escorts and let her date a functional human instead.



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29 Oct 2021, 1:35 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:
Why bother? Us guys who haven't dated by 25 are so out of touch with the vast, vast majority of people that there's basically nothing we can do to turn it around. Better to just go see escorts and let her date a functional human instead.


Certainly, with that attitude you’re entirely correct. A 25 year old is still a kid, unless they’ve experienced and overcome an exceptional gauntlet in life.

I’ve been in relationships but I’ve never dated, except for a brief thing last year which made me realize I’m not interested in relationships in general. Those are all social constructs interweaved with primitive impulse. Becoming aware of this can lead to a transcending, if you work with it. I’m not transcended, I am weak, but always learning. There’s lots of weirdos out there who don’t fit in with the societal norms but they do fit in with and uplift the societal abnorms, and it is my belief that the societal abnorms vastly exceed the norms. We just aren’t represented.

And shouldn’t be either, representation isn’t the point.

But you’ll never meet the weirdo who’s weird just for you by thinking that the shows over and walking out early


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29 Oct 2021, 4:11 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Ettina wrote:
In any case, deliberately using someone else for your own gain at their expense is wrong, no matter how much you're angsting over not having had relationship experience.

For the third time, I completely agree. My point is just that stringing someone along like that is wrong because it could very likely lead to them suffering. Shouldn't we also take the suffering of perpetually single individuals into account, and care about finding ways to ease it (though of course not to the detriment of anybody else)?


Absolutely. I think one of the best ways to ease their suffering is to encourage more non-sexual, non-romantic intimacy, so romantic success doesn't make or break your entire social support system. There's a reason women tend to be much less bothered by being single than men, and it's because gender role expectations support women having much closer and more intimate friendships than men. This is also frequently the cause of "friendzoning", because men and women often have different expectations from friendships, so in male/female friendships, women end up doing things that they see as ordinary friend stuff but their male friend sees as exclusive to a romantic relationship.

It starts with children. Many adults are less likely to offer emotional support to a crying boy than a crying girl. In fact, studies that showed people footage of the same 3 month old (in gender neutral clothing) with different names and pronouns used found that when they thought the baby was male, they saw more anger and less sadness in the baby's crying than when they thought the baby was female. People are more likely to be sympathetic and kind to a sad child than an angry child, so even in infancy, boys are getting less emotional support.



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29 Oct 2021, 7:27 pm

Ettina wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Ettina wrote:
In any case, deliberately using someone else for your own gain at their expense is wrong, no matter how much you're angsting over not having had relationship experience.

For the third time, I completely agree. My point is just that stringing someone along like that is wrong because it could very likely lead to them suffering. Shouldn't we also take the suffering of perpetually single individuals into account, and care about finding ways to ease it (though of course not to the detriment of anybody else)?


Absolutely. I think one of the best ways to ease their suffering is to encourage more non-sexual, non-romantic intimacy, so romantic success doesn't make or break your entire social support system. There's a reason women tend to be much less bothered by being single than men, and it's because gender role expectations support women having much closer and more intimate friendships than men. This is also frequently the cause of "friendzoning", because men and women often have different expectations from friendships, so in male/female friendships, women end up doing things that they see as ordinary friend stuff but their male friend sees as exclusive to a romantic relationship.

It starts with children. Many adults are less likely to offer emotional support to a crying boy than a crying girl. In fact, studies that showed people footage of the same 3 month old (in gender neutral clothing) with different names and pronouns used found that when they thought the baby was male, they saw more anger and less sadness in the baby's crying than when they thought the baby was female. People are more likely to be sympathetic and kind to a sad child than an angry child, so even in infancy, boys are getting less emotional support.


Very interesting information. There’s a great documentary called “The Mask You Live In” that’s all about the complete defeminization that our society tries to do to our male children. Examples (from our ‘positive’ male role models such as sports coaches): “GROW SOME BALLS, STOP BEING A p****, ARE YOU A MAN OR AREN’T YOU”


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29 Oct 2021, 11:38 pm

Ettina wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Ettina wrote:
In any case, deliberately using someone else for your own gain at their expense is wrong, no matter how much you're angsting over not having had relationship experience.

For the third time, I completely agree. My point is just that stringing someone along like that is wrong because it could very likely lead to them suffering. Shouldn't we also take the suffering of perpetually single individuals into account, and care about finding ways to ease it (though of course not to the detriment of anybody else)?


Absolutely. I think one of the best ways to ease their suffering is to encourage more non-sexual, non-romantic intimacy, so romantic success doesn't make or break your entire social support system. There's a reason women tend to be much less bothered by being single than men, and it's because gender role expectations support women having much closer and more intimate friendships than men.

I agree with you insofar as I think men having more intimate friendships would be a positive thing, and the lack of those kinds of friendships probably exacerbates feelings of loneliness among men.

I think having more intimate friendships would probably help a little bit with dealing with not having romantic or sexual relationships for a period of time, but I don't think those kinds of friendships are an adequate replacement for having a partner.

As to women being less bothered about being single than men, I think part of that is people who know through experience that it's possible for them to find someone who would be interested in dating them are going to be more at ease about being single, and there seems to be a higher number of men than women who don't fall into this category.

When you've had relationships and romantic experience, it's reasonable to assume that you'll be able to find somebody to date in the future. When you haven't, despite strongly desiring it for several years, you start to lose hope that it'll ever happen for you. You feel that there must just be something so wrong with you that nobody could want you, and that can really take a toll on your self-esteem if you care about experiencing romance a lot.

Personally, I don't feel that life is worth living if I'm going to have to have the rest of the world flaunting their romantic success in my face all-the-while I can't avoid reminders of it and also can't experience any of it for myself. The excruciating emotional turmoil that puts me through is enough to outweigh anything positive that could happen to me in other dimensions of life. I don't know that one can understand just how painful this can be unless they've experienced it.

So while I think more intimate friendships could help with a general sense of loneliness, they're not sufficient to compensate for a perpetual lack of romance.



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30 Oct 2021, 2:06 pm

It would help towards the realization of romance, though.



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30 Oct 2021, 2:08 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
It would help towards the realization of romance, though.

How do you mean?



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30 Oct 2021, 2:20 pm

If you have a platonic yet intimate relationship with a woman, this experience helps you when you have a romance.

She could also help you find someone with whom you could romance.

I’ve had successful platonic, yet intimate, relationships with women.



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30 Oct 2021, 2:23 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Personally, I don't feel that life is worth living if I'm going to have to have the rest of the world flaunting their romantic success in my face all-the-while I can't avoid reminders of it and also can't experience any of it for myself. The excruciating emotional turmoil that puts me through is enough to outweigh anything positive that could happen to me in other dimensions of life. I don't know that one can understand just how painful this can be unless they've experienced it.
Conventional NT wisdom says you gotta surround yourself with people you want to model yourself after. But it's also equally important for those people not to be too much better than you. If they are, those people can be more of a slap in the face than a motivating factor.

Case in point. In college, I used to be friends with a guy who could get any girl he wanted, literally. He had 4 ongoing sex buddies and countless one-time hookups. He was what Red Pillers call a "Chad Thundercock". One day, after he developed a gambling addiction, he tried to steal my credit card number to bet on a Super Bowl game. I was able to thwart him. Then, shortly later, he cold-messaged a female classmate on Facebook to invite her over to "help him study", and had sex with her that night.

That's when I realized his presence in my life was destructive. Under the pretext of him stealing my credit card number---well, it wasn't entirely a pretext---I kicked him out of my life, and he was dead to me ever since.



Last edited by Aspie1 on 30 Oct 2021, 2:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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30 Oct 2021, 2:26 pm

Wornhat wrote:

Very interesting information. There’s a great documentary called “The Mask You Live In” that’s all about the complete defeminization that our society tries to do to our male children. Examples (from our ‘positive’ male role models such as sports coaches): “GROW SOME BALLS, STOP BEING A p****, ARE YOU A MAN OR AREN’T YOU”


I agree with that. I'm very upset by the messages aimed at boys, and especially autistic boys.

I have a thread here about it (which I really should update ... ):

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=398728&p=8831501&hilit=Men+and+Masking#p8831501


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30 Oct 2021, 2:42 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Personally, I don't feel that life is worth living if I'm going to have to have the rest of the world flaunting their romantic success in my face all-the-while I can't avoid reminders of it and also can't experience any of it for myself. The excruciating emotional turmoil that puts me through is enough to outweigh anything positive that could happen to me in other dimensions of life. I don't know that one can understand just how painful this can be unless they've experienced it.
Conventional NT wisdom says you gotta surround yourself with people you want to model yourself after. But it's also equally important for those people not to be too much better than you. If they are, those people can be more of a slap in the face than a motivating factor.

Case in point. In college, I used to be friends with a guy who could get any girl he wanted, literally. He had 4 ongoing sex buddies and countless one-time hookups. He was lol what Red Pillers call a "Chad Thundercock". One day, after he developed a gambling addiction, he tried to steal my credit card number to bet on a Super Bowl game. I was able to thwart him. Then, shortly later, he cold-messaged a female classmate on Facebook to invite her over to "help him study", and had sex with her that night.

That's when I realized his presence in my life was destructive. Under the pretext of him stealing my credit card number---well, it wasn't entirely a pretext---I kicked him out of my life, and he was dead to me ever since.


What were his attributes?


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30 Oct 2021, 2:54 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
If you have a platonic yet intimate relationship with a woman, this experience helps you when you have a romance.

She could also help you find someone with whom you could romance.

I’ve had successful platonic, yet intimate, relationships with women.

Even something like what you mentioned is very difficult to come by. I'm open to making platonic female friends but I just don't know where to meet women I might click with. I don't have a robust social circle that can help me with that.



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30 Oct 2021, 2:54 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
What were his attributes?
He had an almost perfectly symmetrical face, for starters. That's what alpha males have, and it's why they look attractive to women. His body was middle-of-the-road: slightly better than mine, but still lacking the stereotypical bodybuilder look. I know because I went swimming with him. His height was the same as mine.

I almost got a plastic surgery on my face because of him. But the price was too high and the aftercare/recovery was too long.