How much to give up in a relationship?

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ChrisInAustralia
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12 May 2022, 5:44 pm

r00tb33r wrote:
Sure, there will be some sacrifices, but which sacrifices are reasonable?

How do you feel about giving up something per demand by your partner, when your partner is not able to provide you a reason that you are able to find rational?

Do you feel partners should (mostly) add to each other's lives, not take away?


This is a pretty open ended question. I'd give up anything that I didn't want as much as my partner in my life. For example when I met my wife I collected the little toys they give away at McDonalds. I sold them because it was not a big deal for me. I loved heavy metal and she hated it. So it was non negotiable, I won't play it loud when she's in the house, but I go to metal festivals, still

If someone wants you to give up something that is a core of who you are, perhaps they are not compatible with you? But every relationship is a negotiation as two people learn to live together. If you love someone, you'll be happy to make some adjustments and if they love you, they won't ask you to lose things you love



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14 May 2022, 4:04 am

r00tb33r wrote:

It's more like your partner sulks for days, clearly showing you that something is wrong, they will beat you up emotionally until you give in to whatever they don't like. Emotional extortion. Works every time.


Many decades ago, I was a champion sulker. :oops: I got rid of that behavior because it was as damaging to me as it was to my partner and to the relationship.

But when I was sulking, there was nothing much I could do about. Sort of like a meltdown. I was stuck.

What I think I wanted/needed and was trying to get from sulking was proof my partner loved me. (Not a very effective way, but there you have it.)

So I think the question might better be: what can I do now to help my partner feel my love for her (and giving up something is probably not it. A hollow victory in the end.)

Each person is different in terms of how they “hear” that you love her. It could be words, deeds, gifts, whatever. You can probably now google the question to get ideas.

So, I don’t think giving up is the issue. It’s more like adding to. I wish you both well.


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14 May 2022, 5:04 am

1. Get to the core of issues. Issues themselves, are rarely the problem.
2. Focus on similarities.
3. Clearly communicate about concessions from both sides.


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14 May 2022, 12:17 pm

Whether giving up is the issue or not, in my opinion you should simply move forward i.e. plan to get married, I mean set a date and place and make the necessary practical arrangements. I happen to think marriage is more than just romance and happily ever after, it's also to some extent a business arrangement. You'll work out whatever needs to be worked out or not. But saying you're engaged but not acting decisively on that is a plan doomed to failure.

Maybe you think the two of you are too damaged to make a life together. This makes me think of all the Holocaust survivors who got married after WWII and created families. I'm talking about waking up every night screaming kind of damaged, but in their society, which remembered years of people trying to kill them, you just went forward with life.


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16 May 2022, 10:02 am

r00tb33r wrote:
Sure, there will be some sacrifices, but which sacrifices are reasonable?

How do you feel about giving up something per demand by your partner, when your partner is not able to provide you a reason that you are able to find rational?

Do you feel partners should (mostly) add to each other's lives, not take away?

Sorry to hear you have so much hardship lately. Feeling like you have to sacrifice a lot is very difficult and heavy a burden. Wishing you relief and equalizing somehow on those issues so that you can feel comfortable and safe in your life and shared activities.

For me would be for partners to respect each others boundaries especially if for example, BPD. I have a lot of triggers so if I'm asked to go through with something that really affects me like watch movies with killers or nudity and some things said about it make me suffer for a long time and need to grasp the concept to why the person said it because of traumatic experiences, I think respecting these things would be important.

I know some people could think I'm trying to control them but I have no interest in that. I'm trying to avoid triggers for me and arguments that's why I try to decrease the incidence of it and select content which can be varied and can be not my choice but have less of those things.

I do realize that it's not living, trying to avoid everything and getting triggered makes life hell for both partners, so thats why I try to get ready to and try to take up more triggering things, and find a way to find safety so I can deal with them, even though it's hard without nice discussions and when someone wants me to do it regardless how it makes me feel. It scares me.

People are not supposed to change themselves, some people would think about being comfortable and doing things as they would when theyre by themselves or with their guy friends but I think relationships are about two people and how they come together. I do think however that there needs to be push from both sides to make each person's wish come true, and people more comfortable, and it might need a lot of effective communication which if it's full of misunderstanding and hurt and fear for both people, is more difficult.

I don't often sulk, but when I do, it's not some immediate issue, it's something that has been more important and it's not to control outcome, it's been going on for too long without an answer, but I can lose hope and I can't communicate because it gets out of hand and arguments and the toxic things that happen within them just are too heavy for me to go through. People sulk on me or deny affection many times until I ever end up sulking, can be years. Sometimes I'm trying to think about the outcome and what to do, and realize things are very bad. Sometimes I take a while to get myself to ask for a day to grasp my emotional vulnerability and try to get it back in balance if possible. I'm scared of breaks, abandonment, I'm scared of missing and I'm scared of giving myself even a day time. I want things to be good, for both. I usually try to focus off my issues and try to deal with them myself instead of sharing all the time, but that goes without sulking, and is intended to help my mind and the relationship advance and maintain the good times, because there is a lot of destruction after arguments. If sulking sometimes I can't focus because I'm too much of an emotional mess and just think about the impossibility and devastation of it all or it's a strong emotional trigger coming back to hit me. I sometimes don't feel listened to and understood, respected. I sometimes feel like a thing will keep repeating, and hopelessness towards that thing or multiple things.

I don't believe in control. I believe that people can't have everything they both want, so I think there comes a time when both have to compromise. They don't have to get everything they want, but neither do I. But maybe they can both get what they want at different times. Then there are non negociables, there I don't want to go and I don't believe I can without changing the relationship so much that it makes me sick and affects me emotionally. I think my fear of heading towards that along with possible lack of interest in me is a real issue.

I want to understand things, so i ask about it, often need reassurance, can make people feel like I am blaming them of wanting something wrong or suspicious or them trying to do it with me. I sometimes don't know how to deal with it so I ask so many things until I have no doubt about it and sometimes say "but if people are in love they would think x" like criticizing on a thing that's confusing, it's probably wrong because I know it harms people and they feel like I don't trust them and I have no compass to guide myself to the light without knowing for sure or running them through these clarifications which they probably also don't want and anger them. But that's when I feel safe and can do things that would normally scare me so badly or things people talk about that are confusing, said confusingly and not clear, without disclaimer. If trust has been slipping away due to an incident, or misunderstanding, it can be hard to regain it. The clarification and reaching a safe conclusion means the person is really, feels just like I do, so that also adds to me trusting them, their feelings, their thoughts but then if sometimes they say things that sound so different, then they dont seem to believe in the meaning that way because when they talk about it in depth and explain they are amazing.

It can be difficult because of me needing so much about some things, on both sides, and limiting the reactions related to certain nudity scenes, and it can make people feel I'm trying to change them but I just want some respect or carefulness. But then that would be walking on eggshells, so nothing is really right. So I have to learn to allow and to feel safe. And I have, it's a gift when I can feel it, towards things that used to trigger me, it feels so close to the person like best friends but best lovers. I need that. Everybody does. Everybody deserves it. I hate to not be a friend, and I hate to not be a lover.

In trying to create the safe place in which we cannot harm, I'm harming. Especially if I ask the person to abstain from talking in ways they don't agree with, and limiting what type activities they can do with me, when and where we can go because big trips freak me out and I get sick from cold and low immunity with people exposure then risk getting kicked eternally off plane lines, if it's a matter of my triggers and triggers make no sense, or matter of concerns that are excessive and come out to be fixable or just part of the ordeal. I think I take everything catastrophic to another level and need to make sure everything is going to work out well plus I didn't travel before and when I did it was difficult. Seems to not be for a good reason and it can really be exhausting for the other person.


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Last edited by Rexi on 16 May 2022, 12:20 pm, edited 8 times in total.

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16 May 2022, 11:21 am

r00tb33r wrote:
I'm not sure that many affectionate relationships would have such firm resolve as ultimatums.

It's more like your partner sulks for days, clearly showing you that something is wrong, they will beat you up emotionally until you give in to whatever they don't like. Emotional extortion. Works every time.
My girlfriend does that cuz of her depression :( People who knew me would think someone like that would be a horrible match for me cuz I'm argumentative, impatient, demanding, controlling, needy, & easily angered but I actually find Cass easier to deal with than most anyone else. I know she's NOT doing that to intentionally hurt me & get her way. She does that cuz she's upset by the situation & she cant really help displaying it. I used to take it personally but I eventually learned that it's not about me, it's about her feeling horrible. I tend to be passive & let her make most of the decisions. I give my input but she gets the final say unless she tells me to decide. I care about her a lot more than I care about those decisions & outcomes. There are times when I'm majorly against a decision because I'm worried about her instead of caring how it would affect me. She says I'm more logical & level-headed about making decisions than she is & I think she's right. She's impulsive sometimes & sometimes she knows things are a bad idea but she feels she has to due to her OCD or feeling horribly guilty for not taking care of herself & putting herself 1st. We discuss things & she agrees with me that something she does/decides would have a certain negative outcome but she has to do it anyway & then she turns to me for support & I have to listen to her constantly b!tch & rant about it for a lot longer than most people would be that upset :wall: Things woulda gone a lot smother for the both of us if she woulda followed my input & she knew that when she made the decision but as the expression goes~ "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink". I hate her bing upset cuz I really love her & care about her but I realize that there's only so much I can realistically do. I'm doing most everything right for someone in my position & I need to follow my own advice about needing to take care of myself as well instead giving until I break & then blaming & taking it out on her.


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Rexi
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16 May 2022, 2:08 pm

We should try to keep this sort of relationship issues discussion in PMs or on another website where we aren't both active, like Cornflake suggested. We will keep needing to tell our side of story every time and it's not possible without sharing from our private information and what issues there are.

Whenever you feel ready for you to start talking to people in PMs about it would be great, and I know you don't have anyone to talk to and need to and I'm always here for you too, we talk to each other daily. They can be your friends or trusted people to help you through.


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16 May 2022, 4:21 pm

^



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17 May 2022, 2:04 am

After many years of repeating relationship failures, I finally learned that helping is only truly helpful when the person is willing to help themselves. I always look for broken partners with huge potential, It's what I do and have always done.

The difference now is that I have this one simple Idea which I always (try to) hold to:

I will offer you support but you must make the effort.
I will encourage you to be brave but I will not take your burdens upon myself.
I will love you unconditionally but I will not take responsibility for your happiness.
I will be there for you when I can but I also have needs.
I will travel down this path with you together, hand in hand, I may carry you for a while but you must learn to carry yourself.

I have been married for 10 years now and life is quite good. :D


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17 May 2022, 2:28 am

Polynechramorph wrote:
After many years of repeating relationship failures, I finally learned that helping is only truly helpful when the person is willing to help themselves. I always look for broken partners with huge potential, It's what I do and have always done.

The difference now is that I have this one simple Idea which I always (try to) hold to:

I will offer you support but you must make the effort.
I will encourage you to be brave but I will not take your burdens upon myself.
I will love you unconditionally but I will not take responsibility for your happiness.
I will be there for you when I can but I also have needs.
I will travel down this path with you together, hand in hand, I may carry you for a while but you must learn to carry yourself.

I have been married for 10 years now and life is quite good. :D

Pretty much what I've been going for.



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17 May 2022, 4:14 am

MaxE wrote:
Whether giving up is the issue or not, in my opinion you should simply move forward i.e. plan to get married, I mean set a date and place and make the necessary practical arrangements. I happen to think marriage is more than just romance and happily ever after, it's also to some extent a business arrangement. You'll work out whatever needs to be worked out or not. But saying you're engaged but not acting decisively on that is a plan doomed to failure.

Maybe you think the two of you are too damaged to make a life together. This makes me think of all the Holocaust survivors who got married after WWII and created families. I'm talking about waking up every night screaming kind of damaged, but in their society, which remembered years of people trying to kill them, you just went forward with life.


I would be inclined to sort out any problems beforehand. Getting married doesn't seem like it'll help.

It might also help to identify the sources of these expectations/compromises. Are they reasonable asks or unreasonable anxiety driven requests. If it's the latter then why and what can be done about it?



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17 May 2022, 4:57 am

I do feel that partners should mostly add to each others lives. If not, then what is the overall benefit of that relationship? What I think is very difficult is accounting for that often sung about point: you don't know what you have until it is gone. I think part of the thinking behind that is that we all take certain things for granted in the other and so do not value those things. Another point to think about is that if you feel that your partner is net not adding to your life (or vice versa), then what can you do to make things better. My sense is that there are many relationships where things can be improved from their current status through clear and open and honest communication.



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22 May 2022, 7:32 am

aspiemike wrote:
If you have children, It is expected that a reasonable degree of sacrifice will occur. Just don't make complete sacrifices on the things you enjoy doing that bring you peace and calm. Sacrificing too much on physical fitness and mental well-being can definitely take its toll on both partners.

Tell me about it! She's gotten so much more demanding since we had a child.


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