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goldfish21
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13 Jul 2022, 12:08 pm

Haven't heard from him in a week. It just dawned on me yesterday while venting about this story to a woman at the beach that the reason he's been out of contact Might Be that he got in touch with the treatment centre he was wait listed for and then got admitted ~immediately. That's a real possibility.. as it happened before the last time he went to treatment - just off the radar and then a few weeks or so later I get a phone call to say hi. So, there's a possibility that an opportunity arose for him to make his next right move and he took it right away and was focused on that process vs. phoning me back. If so, I might not hear from him for 30, 60, or 90 days I dunno - depends how long the deal is And if he can keep from arguing with anyone (he's not very argumentative, but got into it with someone and got kicked out of treatment before.) long enough to complete the stay.

IF that's what happened it's much more acceptable than just ghosting for no reason. Still, he could have made a quick call and told me was going to treatment and would be in touch in several weeks - but I know he's not on top of things like that very well at all sooo kind of par for the course in his behaviour if that's what transpired.


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goldfish21
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18 Jul 2022, 1:22 am

He was last seen visiting his brother last Thursday. Hasn’t been in contact with his mother since - which is abnormal. The place he was staying advised her to report him missing, so she did. His brother and friends are out searching the DTES and Granville Strip/Burrard areas tonight. I’m tired as I only slept 4h or so last night but I might just go hop in my car rn and go take a cruise around those areas myself for a couple hours. DTES is a sketchy rough place.

Hope he’s okay and turns up. Worried, though.. more about accidental overdose than violence.


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kraftiekortie
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18 Jul 2022, 7:40 am

If you know where he might hang out, this might be doable, but quite inconvenient for you. If you don't, it'll be a wild goose chase. Let the brothers find him.



goldfish21
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18 Jul 2022, 2:17 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
If you know where he might hang out, this might be doable, but quite inconvenient for you. If you don't, it'll be a wild goose chase. Let the brothers find him.


I spent 4-5 hours in the middle of the night showing his photos to people in the roughest neighbourhood in Vancouver - a very interesting experience. He had been spotted by several people yesterday/last night and one said I'd missed him by about 20 minutes. He's downtown scooting around on a "really nice scooter," buying down and getting high as a kite.

It was a very interesting experience being around those people. Many were VERY nice, genuinely concerned, and will keep an eye out. I texted pics to 5 people, including a couple dealers, as even these guys have hearts and don't want to see people spending their time down there when they have family that love them.

Ofc I was treated to seeing a few interesting things.. like someone's recently stolen tent complete with belongings inside being sold for $20 to someone else who thought it might rain later. Overall the streets were a bit quieter than normal as people figured it would rain so many were indoors somewhere, and I didn't see one single act of violence. I did see a lot of people helping each other out, though, and a lot of people doing informal outreach work - very touching.

At least now I know the exact corner he'll return to to buy drugs, so if I end up downtown tdy/tonight/this week I probably won't venture around much - I'll hang out there in that area and he'll eventually turn up. Relayed info to his mom so his brother and others can do the same if they're back down there tonight.


*sigh* def a odd combination of feelings caring about someone who's a homeless drug addict at the moment & has slipped into ~full relapse active addiction territory for now. On paper I shouldn't be attracted to him at all, but in reality I am and I do care about him. Hopefully this particular streak of nonsense comes to a swift end and he runs out of money/resources and detoxes and then makes a better plan and sticks to it.


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klanka
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18 Jul 2022, 2:34 pm

I know how you feel as im in love with someone who is acting as if they don't care.
I have only seen her once in the last year, so it is getting easier to deal with. It might be that the best thing would be for you to cut contact. Painful in the short term but it gets better. Although if someone told me to do that I'd not want to, and wouldnt do it!
Hopefully circumstances seperate you or end it somehow like they did me.



goldfish21
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18 Jul 2022, 2:49 pm

klanka wrote:
I know how you feel as im in love with someone who is acting as if they don't care.
I have only seen her once in the last year, so it is getting easier to deal with. It might be that the best thing would be for you to cut contact. Painful in the short term but it gets better. Although if someone told me to do that I'd not want to, and wouldnt do it!
Hopefully circumstances seperate you or end it somehow like they did me.

Nah, I know I'm not gonna do that.

We both know we feel like we'll be long term friends for life.

Plus every once in a while when things get sexual with our fwb friendship, it's Hot.. like 12/10 Hot.

I just have to accept him as he is and that he's going to float in and out of my life fluctuating with his sobriety, and Also that he's not as attracted to me as I am to him and I can't Make Him want to be with me or be sober for me. I'm getting better at all of these things daily. Ofc I'd prefer he were sober and healthy for his own sake, and I'd be down to date him if he were into it - but I know I can't worry too much about things I can't change and can only just roll with what happens and hope that he stays alive. I'll do what I can for him when I can.. such is life truly caring about an addict.


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klanka
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18 Jul 2022, 6:59 pm

It's a bad state to be in. I just watched the documentary about the guy obsessed with trains. He spent years in jail. That helped me see my situation in perspective and just feel grateful for not being like that



kraftiekortie
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18 Jul 2022, 7:26 pm

I know that most people in these sorts of places are decent people. I’m glad you didn’t feel you were wasting your time.

It would have been a wild goose chase for me, though.

I just hope your trust and caring for him isn’t abused.



goldfish21
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19 Jul 2022, 1:15 pm

Went down there last night, showed his pics to more people, several outreach workers, a handful of cops. People have seen him around and some told me of a couple places they've seen him hanging out during the day. One woman said she knows him and would take a note to him, so I wrote a note. She told me she'd take it to him right away and I should expect a phone call within a few hours.. but, no phone call so who knows.

If I don't get a call about work today I guess I'll go down there daytime and check out a couple of his hangout spots.

One outreach worker also told me about a DTES Facebook page to post pics and info it as all of the outreach workers will see the pics and someone will find him. There's something like 7.5K people in the group. Someone will see him and phone myself, his mother, or the police in time.

I was also advised to go check out the lineups for welfare cheques that get issued tomorrow as he'll have to go wait for a cheque.. could spot him then. If he gets a cheque and cashes it, he'll disappear until the money runs out.. such is the cycle.

So many stories like his.. ready to change, go to detox, then there's a several day+ wait to get into treatment and during that time people slip up again. Wtf? How complicated is it to have detox & treatment centre capacities and schedules aligned so people leave detox and go Directly to treatment ??? Very, very, strange that there's such a disconnect - it kills people.


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goldfish21
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20 Jul 2022, 12:16 am

Was downtown searching for another 5-6 hours tdy, in text contact with his mom. His mom, brother, and some friends were searching, too. I’ve yet to meet any of them.

Anyways, his mom texted and said “We have confirmed with VPD that he is safe. We are calling off the search. He will reach out when he's ready”

Disheartening, but I kinda get it. My guess is he’s embarrassed/ashamed and doesn’t want to talk to his mom rn. Also, it’s cheque day so I’m sure he wants to stay high for days right now.

My hope is that he calls me and we put a detox/treatment sobriety plan into action. All I can do is wait to hear from him for now. I’ll be out of the country with no cell for a couple weeks later this summer, though. But w/e, he has family that love him and will be there for him if he calls them I’m sure.

Also, one of his friends relayed that the VPD said he’s staying at a different shelter - so at least he has a place to stay.


This is a systemic failure, IMO. Detox programs and treatment centres don’t align their capacities or schedules so there’s often a lag time between detox and treatment - and it’s during that time people start using again. Addicts say the system is designed that way on purpose to keep them trapped in a cycle as a repeat customer that the detox centre treatment centre can each invoice the government for over and over. Too much $ being made when people are unhealthy vs getting paid for each person that Completes detox/treatment. If that one thing were changed and the “Tell me how I’m measured and I’ll show you how I’ll behave,” took hold of market forces in this industry we’d see a dramatic improvement in peoples’ success getting and staying sober. Makes me wonder if all the detox/treatment places are owned/bought and paid for by the drug gangs.. just keep the revolving door going ‘round. $$$$


It’s difficult caring about a homeless drug addict that isn’t acting like they care about their self right now.


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goldfish21
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29 Jul 2022, 1:08 pm

Got a phone call from my favourite bundle of red flags about 20 mins ago. We're going to meet up in an hour - he sounded Okay. Hopefully follows through and we go grab lunch, talk, maybe catch a movie this eve that we were supposed to a few weeks ago etc. Time will tell - but he did seem committed to meet up and hangout this time.


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goldfish21
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30 Jul 2022, 3:22 am

Was good to see him. He seemed Okay.

Talked - well, mostly he didn’t wanna say much but listened to me.

Grabbed subway for dinner, went and watched Top Gun Maverick (my second time seeing it) for the movie and the air conditioning.

He agreed to come spend the night at my place and then call a detox centre in the morning - seemed to genuinely appreciate the offer and help in the moment. As the evening went on he changed his mind and basically ditched me to go get high.

Next step is a whole lot of No and tough love. You want the bag back you left in my trunk? Come get it. You wanna hangout/be in my life? Get sober. Pretty much the way it has to be.


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kraftiekortie
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30 Jul 2022, 12:53 pm

It’s almost like you like a challenge….life is boring without them.

I’m not equipped for this sort of thing like you are.

I hope it all ends well….but I have my doubts, somehow.



goldfish21
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30 Jul 2022, 1:57 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
It’s almost like you like a challenge….life is boring without them.

I’m not equipped for this sort of thing like you are.

I hope it all ends well….but I have my doubts, somehow.

:lol:

My personal trainer friend Kolt said something similar about me.. “He likes it!” Haha

I suppose I do like a challenge and I Do have a soft spot for this guy all around, especially because he’s attractive physically/personality wise etc, but Also because of his situation, what caused it all, the fact that he Does want to clean up and live a sober life again and has goals etc.

But I just know I can’t enable him or make anything too comfortable or easy. You want it? It’s all there for the Taking. Work for it, get it. I can facilitate providing it, but I can’t Give Him sobriety. He has to do that work. Then the rest of things that provide a stable happy life are all within reach - housing, food, job/work etc I can make all those things happen but Not for anyone that’s f****d up on drugs.

Thing is, we had a frank discussion about what it would mean if he ditched me last night - that it’d break my trust in a big way. And even with having that conversation he still ditched because he was getting dope sick and wanted to go get high to prevent/delay feeling so sick. Sad, really.

Not sure if I’ll hear from him in the next few weeks, then I’m outta here for 2 weeks. Next I hear from him I’m gonna be a firm hardass and just tell him No; you know what you have to do - go do it yourself and check in with me when you’re tallying number of days sober Or have cash to repay the bit of money I lent you before. I’m not going to spend time/money/gas etc to hangout with you if your objective is to get nearer to dealers and then F off. You can walk if that’s your goal. Cya on the sober side!


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goldfish21
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02 Aug 2022, 1:23 pm

I got a phone call yesterday morning from one of the street addicts I gave my number & his photos to. He let me know he'd just talked to him and relayed the message for him to call his mom and he said he'd think about it. It's nice that happened - we know he's still ok And he gets another bug in his ear reminding him to knock it off and get clean. It's pretty amazing how much of a community the homeless world really is.

As much as it was disappointing that he ditched to get high/avoid being dope sick a few days ago, I do hope I hear from him again before I leave for vacation so that I can put different words in his head that Might help spur him into deciding to go to detox/treatment sooner.

It's difficult caring about someone that doesn't seem to care about themselves with all this stuff, but it's just not in me to tell him to f off and excommunicate him from my life. It's pretty simple to tell him he can't be in my life Like This, though, and that he needs to go detox/complete treatment and then reconnect with me and others when he's sober.


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goldfish21
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12 Aug 2022, 2:17 pm

He called me a few days ago and wanted to hangout (like legitimately hangout and spend some time together) - so, ofc I obliged. Turns out when he ditched before he was just being paranoid about some things vs. for other reasons, a state of mind thing.

Since I had the house to myself, I invited him to stay. We spent 3 days and 2 nights together. Discussed a bunch of things, cooked and ate healthy food, went shopping to grab him some needed clothes and things. He also wanted to go visit his mom, and invited me to come - so I did. Met both his parents and had a nice visit.

While he's not exactly sober yet, he did take concrete steps towards it while with me (obtained a prescription to help kick the illicit substances, then will taper down on that while in treatment) and Wants to go to treatment and put all this stuff in the rear view mirror, get back to sober life, back to work, sports, recreation - the good life. Very good mindset overall the past few days. He also has an offer of a place to live at his parents apartment once he completes treatment. He's got a lot of support and things to look forward to vs. feeling like it's pointless to try to better himself, which is good. There are a lot of people in his situation with no support or opportunities who feel trapped and unable to ever get out of the cycle of addiction and poverty they're in - and some of them are so far gone that they try to make others as miserable as them by telling them they're going to be lifers like them with no way out. Very toxic people. Anyways, I know he truly Wants to go to treatment and live a different life - each time he's gone has been of his own volition vs. being nagged by his mother or any sort of social services type official. So much more effective when someone does these things for Themselves vs. out of any sort of persuasion or obligation - much more likely to stick longer term when it's someone's own goal.

We've made plans to read a book together as we both want to read it and I've been putting it off for so long - so that's cool. Gives us a thing to meetup and do together.

I also gave him a phone I found at the beach that was impossible to get back to it's rightful owner despite my best efforts by contacting the cell provider etc. So, now he has a phone number again and Hopefully can hang onto this phone vs. having it stolen. I do believe he'll try. And at least now he knows IF the phone gets stolen he can keep this same number and transfer it to another cheap phone rinse & repeat and stay in touch with me, his parents, friends etc easier.

We also had some conversations about what a potential relationship between the two of us might look like (which he brought up). He had several questions for me, and me a few of him. It's definitely an.. interesting dynamic, considering he's mostly attracted to girls and I'm mostly attracted to guys and he wasn't born male. Yet we find ourselves attracted to each other and contemplating how we might be in each others lives moving forward. At the very least we know we'll remain friends, but for some inexplicable reason I actually want something to work out between us. On paper I shouldn't be so into him, but, I am.. I've only been this attracted to a few ppl ever and the others there wasn't this type of mutual attraction so it'd never have possibly worked out. But with this one, there is mutual attraction and the possibility that things progress into some sort of relationship. In the meantime while we explore what might be, we've agreed to not hookup with other people - which I'm okay with. No real point in having these conversations, discussing possibilities, agreeing to take things slow one day at a time and then not back it up with actions & behaviours that align with seeing if we can make something work, IMO. Even if he's gone to treatment for a few months, meh, nbd, as I pointed out - I didn't hookup with anyone during early covid for somewhere between 1.5-2 years and have no problem not screwing other people while sorting out our feelings for each other and giving him the time and space he needs to do some healing & self improvement.

I do really like how open/honest/transparent and genuine these conversations were, and how pointed his questions were about how some things may be.. like if I had any intent or expectation of dominating his time and isolating him from his friends. Nope. If they're good people and not triggers to use drugs, go hang with your friends all you want. I asked him if he had any expectation of me going to the beach less as The Beach has been the ruin of many relationships :lol: and thankfully his response was also and honest no - which is good, because I'm not going to stop going to the beach and hanging with My friends for anyone. I would leave the beach earlier to go hangout with him, or skip a beach day/night for a date or whatever, but like most beachers, there's no way I'm going to just stop going to the beach and spend every free moment with a significant other. It's very nice to know we'd be on the same page about stuff like that if we do move forward with a relationship in some form.

lol - he told me his mom said she likes me after meeting me in person, and asked if we were more than friends etc. I guess she/they approve of me, which is nice. She also asked him point blank like wtf why's he into you you're a hot mess right now lololol and we both had a laugh about it. I've asked myself the same question and discussed it with him, too. He did tell me that he told his mom in the past that if I were a girl he'd date me for sure.

He's been clear that I'm the only cis guy he's interested in ever and that I haven't "converted him," and I reminded him that he hasn't converted me to all vagina, either, sooooo - we had a moment of mutual understanding. He did once say to me that he'd never date a cis guy.. but he Also told me he'd never do certain sexual things with a cis guy and we've certainly done those things several times, sooo..

Blah blah blah, probably oversharing but idc, if you're reading & following this thread then I feel like you deserve a full and complete update on this most bizarre dynamic and ever evolving fwb situation involving my favourite little bundle of red flags.. which, btw, I told him his nickname when discussing him with my friend and personal trainer, Kolt, is "flags," and he genuinely thought that was funny. :lol: :D

I'll give him time and space, trust that he's doing the things he said he's going to do, told him I won't nag and would prefer to hear updates from him without asking, but that if I don't hear about abc or xyz in a week I'll follow up and ask just in case he needs a reminder that he's let a week slip by without taking the next steps yet. He's cool with that. Also, we tentatively have agreed to hangout on the 16th, to clean my car inside and out, and possibly spend some time reading that book aloud to each other.

Oh, and I keep saying He, which he's fine with, but apparently he's completely neutral about being referred to by male or female pronouns and has really been enjoying identifying as Two-Spirited lately - which fits the gender non-binary androgynous like he rides. Such is the result of natural female hormones supplemented with testosterone injections - which apparently he hasn't done for months but said he plans to get back to doing that on a regular but not constant basis, which I fully support for all the ways it changes/enhances his personality, appearance, voice, sex drive etc - just minimal use to maintain the features he wants to maintain.

Blah blah blah blah hope y'all've enjoyed this latest diary entry. :P


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